To think I might be autistic but masking all my life?

[21degreescooler]

My DD (9) has been diagnosed as autistic. I had never considered it before but she was referred after ADHD diagnosis.

I was diagnosed privately with ADHD but never tested for autism.

I was very surprised by my DD’s diagnosis as she never seemed autistic to me. She is similar to me at that age. She is outgoing and sociable, but struggles with transitions, regulating emotions and sometimes with social skills ( it is mild, but it’s more like not picking up more subtle social cues- interrupting, not appreciating when people have had enough of a certain activity, or when her behaviour is becoming too much)

I now wonder if I’m autistic too? I’m sociable, but think have learned social skills later than others, sometimes struggled to make friends ( by that I mean, knowing HOW to make friends in new situations- I found university difficult at first.)
I do have lots of friends now, but I feel it took a long time to learn how to make them.

i don’t think anyone would consider me autistic- im warm and friendly, empathetic, and think I have learned to read social cues.

but sometimes I have noticed people have taken a real aversion to me and I’m not sure why ( it’s rare, but enough for me to notice they’ve taken a dislike, but I’ve never known why)

when I was younger, I was quirky and good fun. Also a bit shy and socially awkward. I used to actively study people in social situations to see how to behave at parties - does anyone NT do this?

I still dread social functions at work, but have learned how to deal with them. Now people would probably think I’m a good networker and at ease in social situations.

I’ve struggled to understand my shyness- I feel awkward in some situations but at ease in others. I’m very confident speaking at a conference where I get to talk about my area of expertise, but shy and nervous in meetings where I’m put on the spot.

all of this could be NT, but am I BU to think maybe this is mild autism?

OP be kind to yourself not because you may or may not have something, but because you can respect yourself and you know you struggle with personal interactions in some way.
You sound like you are doing well with friendships, so congratulate yourself that your efforts have worked and you are capable of learning interaction skills (I'm a work in progress myself!).

As others have said, why would you need a diagnosis if you've found coping mechanisms? I've had similar thoughts (pretty sure most of the world has at this point thanks to social media!). I used to doodle all the time, very messy and unorganised, struggled to complete homework or start it even if it was easy, struggled with learning to tell the time, the one who never remembered what lesson was next, tripping over own feet, hyper behaviour then zoning out, always getting told off and having "not working to her full ability" or "lazy" all over reports despite scoring highly in tests and exams...lots of stuff. The only reason I have considered getting a diagnosis is for dd who has a few traits but is also managing and seems to have less traits than me but always gravitates towards the ND lot, even before she knows. I asked on here before what the point was and got ppl saying it was basically just nice to "know" , but I can look up hacks or whatever without a diagnosis and see if they help. It's hundreds of £ we need right now id rather have in my pocket.

My point is so many people are looking for assessments - private or NHS- that the NHS and SEN in schools are overwhelmed.

The OP is an adult, copes well in life, has learned how to cope with whatever difficulties she has faced.

What's the point now of wanting a 'label'? She has clearly educated herself about it and understands what helps/doesn't. She doesn't need a 'label'.

Not everyone needs 'labels'. Most people learn/adjust/cope and get on with life. We appear obsessed with labelling everyone who might have some aspect of these conditions. Unless they are children, who are seriously affected, labelling is no real help.

There's loads of people who've lived here all their lives also struggling and ignored.

It's not a label, it's an explanation.
Looking back over my life I'm clearly not NT, it might be some comfort to know I have a recognised condition as opposed to the odd person some folk wrote me off as.

Are you comparing your current life in the UK to that of a refugee family?

Honestly I’m not minimising your struggles and I know this isn’t what this thread is about but I want to say I feel like autism has been watered down.
if you have social anxiety, that can count as your “social deficit”. For example, to name a few, I have a number of inherent social deficits like not recognising jokes or sarcasm to the point it created real problems, I had a monotone tone of voice, I didn’t interact with my peers.
I screamed for hours because of labels in clothes and certain materials. I also have bowel issues, hypersensitivity and a number of co-morbidities.
I had a lot of support to get to where I am today talking on an internet forum

Or what’s more likely- autism misdiagnosed as personality disorders which happens very frequently in women.

The poster has given us a small snapshot of traits but could have traits that she would not be aware of.

To make a blanket statement that she isn’t autistic is quite arrogant.

I also know of many people who went for assessment and didn’t get diagnosed. And women age 30+ are massively under diagnosed.

I did the tests that GP use for referral and the questionnaire my DS did during his assessment and scored highly but GP said that while she would refer she didn't think it was worth going for a diagnosis as I was functioning fine so I haven't bothered as yet. I sometimes think I definitely am autistic and that it explains a lot but other times I think I am just crap socially. I would say based on DS diagnosis there isn't much support or help afterwards so would depend why you want a diagnosis. How about sensory issues? I don't really have these and DS does and that makes me wonder if I am not actually autistic

I've often felt like i have possible ADHD and autistic traits, OP. I think far too much about the way people look at me, almost always found it incredibly difficult as a young child to look people in the eye - I'd actively avoid their eye contact - and social situations would be endured and tolerated rather than enjoyed.

I've certainly felt like I've masked a lot during life. I've actually managed to get by pretty well, and made a lot of good friends, but I needed to push myself to contribute in class, and I've had times where people have ghosted me and I've never figured out why.

I'm also wondering whether my brain chemistry was altered before being born as a result of my birth mum being a drug addict on heroin, so it would have affected dopamine etc (which is obviously something that impacts ADHD too). I just think getting a diagnosis personally might explain a lot, but it might not necessarily benefit me to be someone else, as it is who I am, and I've coped this far in life. A diagnosis on a piece of paper might reinforce my feelings of so-called inadequacy about certain bad "traits".

Completely agree. Late diagnosis here and was massively helpful for my mental health and ability to manage my life.

Why are you being so rude?
(Also why are you assuming I'm pursuing anything with the NHS?)

I don’t necessarily want a diagnosis or to use up NHS resource.

Id possibly pay for a private diagnosis, but as many have said on this thread, there isn’t much point as I’ve found ways of coping. It just answers a lot of questions- why I seem to be shit at some things despite being an otherwise confident, intelligent adult.
It helps me understand my DD and hopefully make me a better parent if I understand myself better.

im not planning to do anything with a ‘label’. But I disagree that they aren’t necessary- they can be a huge help to people. Isn’t that why people go to therapy? To better understand why they made certain choices and react in a certain way. It’s very human to want to understand ourselves better.

if it’s important to you then I think you should get one for self development.
I personally think autism has been watered down, but if you know you are autistic it will explain a lot of things

@Lovelybitofsquirrel3 i think thats because they realise autistic people can get jokes and sarcasm etc.
Sometimes the communication issue is more selective mute or unexpected facial expressions. Or talking about something others are not interested in and not varying topic.

I would describe it in some people as not socially motivated. So prefer to not bother going to activity clubs especially if they have past that special interest. Even if their friend is going.

Yes there are more people trying to get on waitlists but crucially its the length of the wait over 2 and half years here. And not 1 appointment. So another 2 -3 school years of kids behind them due to covid.

And annoyingly the kids i know it was or should have been really obvious back well before 2020. Its just our school senco didnt seem to believe in sen!
Sp a huge wave of kids. But some of whom should have been moved to sen schools or sen secondary.

i find some noises unbearable, but generally ok with fabrics etc. ( my DD isn’t)

was a very fussy eater as a child and even now am quite funny about food textures.

Interesting you say about selective mutism. I was like this as a child when my mum asked me to explain things that i didn't want to express, and my daughter is showing similar traits too. Is it an autistic trait?

Eh?
It seems like you've made several wrong assumptions about me, and then gone on to judge me on your wrong assumptions.

yes i was only listing a few examples, there were many others I experienced that were present in childhood. If you have communication or understanding deficits I think that should count.
i don’t think social anxiety alone should count as the only social deficit

No they do not.
By saying this you have clearly shown you do not know about autism assessment or differential diagnosis.
You clearly have a large chip on your shoulder regarding autism, maybe deal with it yourself rather than throwing it at others

You're overthinking aren't you? We're all different in some way or other, but we're not all autistic.

Eh?
Nobody said everyone was autistic.

I totally agree with you. Every man and his dog {Yes, I have heard of ''autistic dogs'' }

petcheckurgentcare.com/signs-of-autism-in-dogs/

is wanting a diagnosis now- even for people in their Forties, Fifties and Sixties- it's like a sort of club ''I suffer from XYZ but masked all my life''...well, if one can manage, and hold down a good job, why use up NHS resources when there are young children who clearly do have genuine difficulties?

Tons of children daydream, don't like crowds, dislike itchy labels or scratchy clothes, have obsessive interests from an early age, don't understand jokes, it doesn't mean they all need a diagnosis.

A friend's son is so violent towards her that he did get a diagnosis- and he now lives in a residential home , but she had to practically lose her life on a couple of occasions for this to happen. He is just too dangerous to be around her.

Another local young man needs two strong carers daily- these are the people who really do need the help.