To think I might be autistic but masking all my life?

[21degreescooler]

My DD (9) has been diagnosed as autistic. I had never considered it before but she was referred after ADHD diagnosis.

I was diagnosed privately with ADHD but never tested for autism.

I was very surprised by my DD’s diagnosis as she never seemed autistic to me. She is similar to me at that age. She is outgoing and sociable, but struggles with transitions, regulating emotions and sometimes with social skills ( it is mild, but it’s more like not picking up more subtle social cues- interrupting, not appreciating when people have had enough of a certain activity, or when her behaviour is becoming too much)

I now wonder if I’m autistic too? I’m sociable, but think have learned social skills later than others, sometimes struggled to make friends ( by that I mean, knowing HOW to make friends in new situations- I found university difficult at first.)
I do have lots of friends now, but I feel it took a long time to learn how to make them.

i don’t think anyone would consider me autistic- im warm and friendly, empathetic, and think I have learned to read social cues.

but sometimes I have noticed people have taken a real aversion to me and I’m not sure why ( it’s rare, but enough for me to notice they’ve taken a dislike, but I’ve never known why)

when I was younger, I was quirky and good fun. Also a bit shy and socially awkward. I used to actively study people in social situations to see how to behave at parties - does anyone NT do this?

I still dread social functions at work, but have learned how to deal with them. Now people would probably think I’m a good networker and at ease in social situations.

I’ve struggled to understand my shyness- I feel awkward in some situations but at ease in others. I’m very confident speaking at a conference where I get to talk about my area of expertise, but shy and nervous in meetings where I’m put on the spot.

all of this could be NT, but am I BU to think maybe this is mild autism?

@Newyearbutsameoldproblems i can relate to that. It makes some bad life choices seem to make sense.

I’m relatively happy with my life, but I think I’ve found it hard work to have a ‘normal’ life.

Not true. I have known of several people who were assessed and told they were not autistic. They very much wanted to be diagnosed too, and got mad about it.

I think there is a fairly big overlap between ADHD and autism, I am diagnosed ADHD as well and I relate to a lot of what you are saying. Sometimes I read or hear a comment and I go "am I also autistic?" but ultimately, when I read the experiences of autistic women there is a lot that I also just don't relate to at all. I don't know what I would gain from a diagnosis (I am already on ADHD meds and happy with that because they help me).

The other thought which comes to me every so often is whether it really matters exactly what specific variation you get diagnosed with - there are common threads between all these similar things and they don't really know exactly how it works, so it could be that in the future it gets merged together, similar to how autism and aspergers have been.

I listen to podcasts by a few different ADHD presenters and some of them are AuDHD - I tend to find them all useful and interesting. Am I ADHD? AuDHD? Does it matter? Probably not. I take what works for me and I am long past gatekeeping myself because I don't have an official piece of paper.

And I understand that a diagnosis could help you understand why things can be harder to decipher and perhaps help those close to you as well.

In what way would this help? If you identify things you struggle with or don't understand easily, what difference does it make if that's because you're autistic or it's just a trait and struggle of yours? What will 'it's because of my autism' add? Will those close to you only make allowances for your comfort/accept that this what you're like for 'this is what you're like' if it's because of a diagnosis?

I have only even known the other way around (and my personal experience too).
A hastily diagnosed PD label (usually EUPD) in a woman that is actually autistic. Get put on strong meds for years, that were not needed at all.

@YourFunLeader Don't be so ridiculous.

OP, you might be, or you might not be. For what it's worth, you sound a lot like me, especially carefully observing people to watch how to fit in and behave. I'm autistic, but I hadn't even considered it until my son was diagnosed last year! Suddenly a lot of things made sense. Worth going for an assessment if you think it might help you understand yourself.

Not on the NHS. And you don't see a therapist to get a diagnosis.

You are on a bit of a mission on this thread, aren't you?

Neurodivergent conditions are sometimes misdiagnosed as personality disorders, yes. Not usually the other way around as far as I am aware. Sometimes they are comorbid. It could be that some of them actually do exist in the same sort of category of behaviour patterns we have observed but don't really know the root or mechanism of yet.

Agree - I know of one person who had an assessment as an adult and was told she had no signs

I don't know why you are receiving such terse answers op.

The DSM isn't that easy to understand at first reading.

I am not an HCP but I have a DD with an official autism diagnosis which was missed until she fell apart at university. My DD can look people in the eye, give presentations confidently and can pass in a social situation as NT, in other words she is high masking. She experiences many other difficulties not evident to others though.

Do you have any sensory issues by any chance op?

Btw there isn't really such a thing as mild autism as the spectrum isn't from mild to severe. A person with autism, as far as I understand it, has a "spiky" profile ie they can be extremely proficient in some things and can have extreme difficulties in others.

You might be but its likely you would have struggled with life a bit more. Or that the fact you do not struggle now would rule out diagnosis.

My dd is awaiting dianosis and im not sure which side it is from though perhaps her dad adhd (always leaves every light on etc) and my side the asd (my mum whilst very caring can be very difficult and stubborn).
I had a small group of 3 friends at school (though not keen on 1 of them) and not really interested in the rest of the year.
They left for 6th form and i made some slight friends on my alevels.
But degree i thought i was friends with my coursemates and my floor but they excluded my completely when choosing 2nd year house (i probably got on better with the boys instead). Made better friends y2 but still only small group and several were from abroad.
I dont think im shy but that the english nature possibly doesnt suit me. I prefer up front people.

Dd is similar gets on better with the boys at school and finds the girl drama about make up etc boring! L
I think the reason she struggles is she is stubborn and rigid. Whereas i try to fit in. And compromise. But as with the school parents even then i have ones that dislike me (though some blame me for dd behaviour)
I would say a lot of asd mums are actually quite confident so perhaps that why they think the dc being quite/shy/not interested in socialising is unusual. In fact i woyld class 2 as quite bossy/very chatty. I wouldnt say any of the mums seems noticeably autistic.
Although several could seem quite hyper/energetic so perhaps more adhd presenting

The thing is, we know that ADHD and autism are spectrum disorders, and that they are often inherited. I cannot say you do or do not have autism, but if it helps explain how you feel and behave/react, I cannot see why others on this thread find this a problem.

Both my kids have Adhd, with one also diagnosed with autism. Both DH and I have strong traits of Adhd (DH's brother has a formal childhood diagnosis) and DH has many similarities to our autistic child.

We have no interest in seeking a formal diagnosis for ourselves. Whether we do actually have Adhd or autism is not important to us.
What we do appreciate, though, is the insight into why we and our children behave and think the way we do. It has helped us cope and learn and shape our parenting.

ADHD/ some form of autistic spectrum disorder/ ASD- it is absolutely rife. Every day. Parents are obsessed with it as explanations for their own or their child's difficulties. SEN and NHS assessment systems are overwhelmed by it.

Last week I was at my GP and in the waiting room a man came in translating for a Ukrainian woman whose son 'has diagnosed ADHD and was on medication in Ukraine. They are registered here and she needs to know what to do to get his medication.'

Answer 'The Dr will refer you after an appointment but there is currently a 16 month waiting list for initial assessment here and that has to happen before medication will be prescribed on the NHS.'

'But he was assessed and she can get the medication privately but it is very expensive.'

Answer 'He needs an NHS assessment and the initial awaiting list is 16 months and increasing all the time.'

You could have described me. I don't necessarily dread work situations but I feel like I MUST have a few drinks to get through.

I've never had a diagnosis. My partner has wondered but FWIW I don't think I'm autistic as if anything I'm TOO emotionally perceptive (so am always just overthinking things and hyper aware and worried about what people think of me). So basically just a bit crap socially. I suspect I have ADHD though (no formal diagnosis but the internet tells me I have it).

@YourFunLeader I’m not sure this is the right thread for you to be on, you’re being quite rude and belittling. It might be best if you take a step back.

@21degreescooler Are you in ADHD meds? This is anecdotal evidence but a fair few ND people I know who are initially diagnosed ADHD and on meds find that after a year or so their autism (that was overshadowed by the ADHD) becomes apparent.

This is not someone seeking a "trendy" diagnosis for their child though.
OP is talking about herself.
It is horrible to spend a lot of your adult life struggling with things, and not knowing why. That is why adults get assessed.

@YourFunLeader seems to be very invested in shutting down anyone wondering if they have any neurodiversity at all.

Can I ask why you ah e such a strong opinion on this?

i know it’s everywhere on social media, but they think that around 20 percent of population is neurodiverse. Many people won’t have been diagnosed as children. Of course it’s going to be a lot- that one fifth of population!

Oh OP, it probably wasn’t wise to post in AIBU. Try posting in Neurodivergent mumsnetters instead, you’ll probably get a kinder response!

I’m late diagnosed AuDHD. For me the Autism diagnosis came firs. I waited ages to ask for the ADHD assessment worrying people would think I just wanted medication - ironically it’s a game changer for me! I said at my assessment I knew there was an overlap with Autism and ADHD and my assessor pointed out some were overlap but some were ADHD. I asked if I’d met criteria. She said you had to get 4/6 to be meet criteria..I got 6/6 😆

Autism is one thing. ADHD is another. Combined is special again! I’d describe my brain as being in conflict. One side craves stability, routine, order, predictability. The other craves excitement, the unexpected, spontaneity! ADHD makes me sociable. Autism means I miss social cues. I hate eye contact. I like affection with people I feel close to - I can be very huggy. But I HATE unexpected touch, especially from people I don’t know well. If someone touches me unexpectedly, it’s like I feel their hand print on me all day.

I’d say read up more about Autism in women and especially the overlap and how combined presents. A desire to be sociable but only learning to do it through observation and practise is very much like me!

I was diagnosed as autistic as a child and part of the reasoning was because I didn’t interact with peers despite opportunities to do so, was very formal in the way that I spoke, couldn’t understand jokes or sarcasm, and a number of other deficits. I also had hypersensitivity and meltdowns due to over stimulation caused by things like materials or labels in clothes or light being too bright.
I have support regularly from services.
nowadays you only really need anxiety caused by socialising which counts as a deficit to be diagnosed as autistic. I had actual inherent deficits in my communication and understanding and still do. and I know autism is a spectrum but I don’t like that you don’t have to reach as much criteria as you used to.

That poor mother and child. I cannot imagine being a refugee and then having to contend with a new Healthcare system.

Yes - on meds. And never realised that maybe the autism is more noticeable now. That makes sense.

Ooh am I in fashion? First time for everything 😆

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, generalised anxiety disorder, chronic fatigue…and yet once I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD it all finally made sense. It’s bloody hard work to get someone to agree to refer you and even longer on waiting lists. But I don’t think you want to listen to reason or lived experience somehow 🤷🏻‍♀️