To think I might be autistic but masking all my life?

[21degreescooler]

My DD (9) has been diagnosed as autistic. I had never considered it before but she was referred after ADHD diagnosis.

I was diagnosed privately with ADHD but never tested for autism.

I was very surprised by my DD’s diagnosis as she never seemed autistic to me. She is similar to me at that age. She is outgoing and sociable, but struggles with transitions, regulating emotions and sometimes with social skills ( it is mild, but it’s more like not picking up more subtle social cues- interrupting, not appreciating when people have had enough of a certain activity, or when her behaviour is becoming too much)

I now wonder if I’m autistic too? I’m sociable, but think have learned social skills later than others, sometimes struggled to make friends ( by that I mean, knowing HOW to make friends in new situations- I found university difficult at first.)
I do have lots of friends now, but I feel it took a long time to learn how to make them.

i don’t think anyone would consider me autistic- im warm and friendly, empathetic, and think I have learned to read social cues.

but sometimes I have noticed people have taken a real aversion to me and I’m not sure why ( it’s rare, but enough for me to notice they’ve taken a dislike, but I’ve never known why)

when I was younger, I was quirky and good fun. Also a bit shy and socially awkward. I used to actively study people in social situations to see how to behave at parties - does anyone NT do this?

I still dread social functions at work, but have learned how to deal with them. Now people would probably think I’m a good networker and at ease in social situations.

I’ve struggled to understand my shyness- I feel awkward in some situations but at ease in others. I’m very confident speaking at a conference where I get to talk about my area of expertise, but shy and nervous in meetings where I’m put on the spot.

all of this could be NT, but am I BU to think maybe this is mild autism?

Every single person on the planet is different.
What point are you trying to make?

Absolutely hate this attitude. Why do you think you know who is deserving of help and who isn’t?

This is exactly what autism is- and invisible disability.

How do you know what difficulties people experience behind closed doors? Suicide rates are very high in ND women in particular.

just because you don’t deem it obvious doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

To me this sounds all quite normal. These are normal experiences and feelings.

It's also normal for everyone to "mask" in social places, especially work.

No. We all have spikey profiles.
My boyfriend is autistic. He can be violent when he has a meltdown due to sensory issues, yet he is has a Masters degree and a semi-decent job. I am his first girlfriend, and he is in his 50s. So had zero skills with people and women.
I have a criminal record due to meltdowns too. But I am also the kindest and most empathetic person when you get to know me.
We were both diagnosed in our 40s.

This is a ridiculous reply.
By the same standard is a stage 1 cancer parient not allowed to seek help because a stage 4 patient needs the help more?

I don't think some folk realise how little autism was even mentioned when some of us were children, or that it was often considered a male condition and not properly diagnosed in females - lots of folk are becoming more aware later in life of behaviours and responses that are actually due to not being NT.

It's nothing to do with wanting to be autistic or wanting to be in a club, it's simply finding a potential explanation for years of struggles, masking, feeling isolated, being accused of being rude or uncaring and so on. It's ok to need an official diagnosis and it's also ok to not need one. Any autistic person is entitled to support.

I understand people thinking that everyone is now saying they're autistic but honestly it doesn't mean they are trying to push for a diagnosis that they haven't got.

I've struggled all my life. In so many areas. On the outside people wouldn't think so, but those who know me behind the scenes have suggested it to me.

I'm not so sure that everyone has to mask all the time. You're perhaps referring to adapting, which is different.

The other thing is, a disease or disorder by definition has to manifest in a way that makes the person somehow "abnormal".

The point with masking is that sometimes it can cover abnormal coping, behaviour, responses. So things look normal but aren't.

That doesn't seem to be the case with the OP, literally everything she has described is common. The kind of social awkwardness, watching people as a young person for behaviour cues, the kind of masking, needing to take a day off now and then to recharge. Huge numbers of people experience these things, especially during the teen years. Maybe more than those who don't.

If we have a "disorder" where the symptoms are the same as completely average normal behaviour and experiences, we have a problem with our concept of the disease.

Are you qualified to diagnosed OP?

I've found recognising a lot of myself in descriptions of autism in women a huge relief. It's allowed me to accept that I will always find some things difficult and not beat myself up about finding them difficult.

I don't think the fact that I might not tick all the right boxes for an actual autism diagnosis matters. I'm happy with the private knowledge that, for whatever reason, some bits of my brain are wired the same way as lots of women with autism and have been my whole life. Now they make sense. I don't need every other thing to match too (for me several do, and some don't).

If I could go back 45 years to when I was at primary school, then knowing and getting help might have been really useful, and saved me decades of social disasters. It's too late now though.

It’s about the impact it has on your life.

masking isn’t about coping and functioning normally in a workplace setting, for example. That’s not what we mean by masking.

masking is having to hide your true self which has a massive negative impact on you as a person.

an example would be- autistic people have special interests but have to hide them. Or- some people need to pace about or move to regulate their nervous system but are unable to do this as it looks ‘odd’.

There’s such a huge lack of understanding as displayed in this thread.

if the ‘traits’ are impacting your life to the point where you can’t cope. Eg: myself in my 20s self harming as I didn’t understand why I didn’t understand people!

I’m too tired to read everything but don’t let people on here dismiss you. There’s some real awful women on here who are just nasty because they hate their lives.

If you feel you need an assessment, please pursue it

You have similar traits to me - I have adhd but also the social skills problems, disliked for unknown reasons etc. When I do online autism tests I am always 50/50. Whatever that means, maybe that I possibly have some traits.
im just assuming that is the case but am retired and can’t see I need any further diagnosis.

There is a ND mumsnetteres thread if you search.

@BertieBotts
I have ADHD and everything that entails. I can't relate to the symptoms of Autism at all. Not one bit.
In fact, in my world view ADHD would be on the North Pole, the NT on the Equator and Autism on the South Pole. The closer someone with Autism is to the Equator, the closer they are to me but at any given time the Equator is closer still than the other hemisphere.

The disorders used to be seen as two VERY distinct entities to the point of being mutually exclusive. Then it changed and it became possible for an individual to be diagnosed as having both. Fair enough, I'm sure it sometimes happens.
But I think along the way clinicians forgot that dizziness + headache doesn't equal flu AND meningitis AND brain tumor AND stress at work AND Iron deficiency AND eye strain.

For me, I'd much rather keep my disorder distinct as it is and keep on receiving the very tailored help and advice that actually benefits me.

Here's an article that explains how adhd and autism are not the same whilst also not mutually exclusive:

https://www.oxfordcbt.co.uk/what-is-the-difference-between-adhd-and-autism/

And @BertieBotts feel free to ignore my flat-earther map of the world 😂
Though I swear by it

The link might be helpful to many on this thread.

What difference will it actually make though

Oh OP, I hate how hostile this thread has seemed from the start. It doesn't inspire much confidence, but I swear the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board is a more supportive environment!

As I have told people in the past who have been wondering about the possibility that they might be autistic, firstly you need to decide what you want from that knowledge. Some are hoping for reasonable adjustments at work, evidence for PIP, or other empirical impacts, others simply seek the relief of having their experiences explained and understood. It sounds like an official diagnosis wouldn't offer you much besides the validation; there are tests you can do on the internet, some of which are the same as those used in a professional capacity by psychiatrists, but beyond that I'd look into adult autism charities for any real-life support. Online, you can find forums and social media groups full of people with similar experiences, as women are so often diagnosed later in life.

The most important effect of being diagnosed autistic in my late teens, in all honesty, was understanding and validation. I could view my life and my struggles through a different lens, and for the first time connect with similar people and develop coping strategies that would actually work for me. I made my first truly close friends and I used those coping skills to get myself through university. Forgiving myself for not meeting neurotypical standards and expectations quite possibly saved my life, honestly. I hope you find some of that same relief in whatever answers you seek.

Wishing both you and your DD the best!

I genuinely don't understand ...........

@21degreescooler I still dread social functions at work, but have learned how to deal with them. Now people would probably think I’m a good networker and at ease in social situations.
I’ve struggled to understand my shyness- I feel awkward in some situations but at ease in others. I’m very confident speaking at a conference where I get to talk about my area of expertise, but shy and nervous in meetings where I’m put on the spot.
all of this could be NT, but am I BU to think maybe this is mild autism?

This used to be described as being an' introvert' - and it was a personality trait rather than a 'problem'.

There were 'introverts' and there were 'extroverts'
It pretty much summed up the world when some people could get by and live quite happily and comfortably (and preferably) with a small amount of social interaction from others - whereas some people needed (preferably) a large amount of social interaction from others to be happy and comfortable.

@WeylandYutani Maybe you didn't pick it up as you saw how she was as normal, because that is all you have both known.

• maybe how she is, is 'normal' - *why is autism perceived as 'not normal'?

Why can't we all just accept people as they are? ..............with all of our quirks / foibles / idiosyncrasies /?

Why do we need to label people in order to 'excuse' or 'understand ' behaviour and patterns of thinking which may not align with what we personally think to be acceptable and 'normal'??

Yes, there are some people who think so far out of the box that it's difficult to understand where they're coming from ........

there are indeed sociopaths / psychopaths / narcissists - they are not the vast majority tho ...........

............ in the VAST majority of ordinary cases, surely we can just try and live with other people?

Why do we have to have a label ??

@YourFunLeader You missed out the validation someone feels when they have a diagnosis

• people didn't used to need 'validation' - they just used to 'be'

Today, people seem to need a label so that other people will let them 'be'

People have always suffered from discrimination.
People always will suffer from discrimination

How far have we actually moved on from the days of judging someone because of the colour of their skin?
Or their religion?
Or their political beliefs?
Or their sex?
Or their age?
Or their social manners and norms

The problem seems to lie in the fact that some people just can't accept that others are 'different ' to what they perceive to be 'normal' and, therefore, aren't 'acceptable' - wtaf??!

@21degreescooler I’ve found ways of coping. It just answers a lot of questions- why I seem to be shit at some things despite being an otherwise confident, intelligent adult.

Sounds like most of us actually 😊 - it's what we do to just get by in life

It helps me understand my DD and hopefully make me a better parent if I understand myself better.
im not planning to do anything with a ‘label’. But I disagree that they aren’t necessary- they can be a huge help to people. Isn’t that why people go to therapy?

'Labels' don't necessarily help people - labels just help to place you in a helpful 'box definition for admin purposes' - regardless of who you actually are.

It means that people don't actually have to think about you as an individual person - they can just treat you as a statistic and treat you 'accordingly'.

I agree. The spectrum is so large as to be meaningless now. There is a huge difference between someone who is wholly independent , possibly married with children and a successful career and someone who is non verbal, incontinent and could not survive independently.

I feel the needs of those children and young adults with profound autism are being overlooked in the explosion of diagnoses of older people who would have never met the criteria in previous years.

Everyone around me is either in the queue or been diagnosed privately when to be honest having known them for years its merely menopause symptoms. It's ridiculous.

No one here can say if you are autistic or not but does it matter.
Have you thought what the purpose of getting a diagnoses would be. It might explain things but apart from being able to explain how you feel will you actually change anything or seek help.

Do you think it will benefit your daughter if you have a diagnoses of autism too?

@ilovemyspace and @Willyoujustbequiet very good and pertinent points made.

You are literally describing everyone

Very well said

I think an awful lot of people would say that University was difficult at first because it was a new situation;
that on rare occasions other people have taken a dislike to them; that they sometimes watch how others behave at parties and try to emulate it; that they dislike work social functions but have learned to cope successfully; that they are confident when they have advanced warning to talk about things they know a lot about but feel shy when put on the spot; that that they are uncomfortable in some situations and at ease in others. These seem like very common, in some cases universal, experiences.

A lot of autistic people (esp women) have been badly let down because diagnoses have been missed, and haven't had the help they needed.

But I also think that the amount of information / misinformation thrown at us on social media is leading many people, esp women, to see very common, neurotypical traits (eg feeling awkward in some situations and at ease in others) as suggestive of neurodiversity.

Eg, not specific to your post, but a common one on social media is disliking scratchy labels. Whilst sensory sensitivity is common in autism, it's also present, to a lower level of impact, in neurotypical people. And if someone who dislikes scratchy labels in a very standard, neurotypical way believes it's evidence of autism, they may (consciously or unconsciously) overemphasize it during screening or full assessments. I'm 💯 convinced this leads to misdiagnosis in some people.

We're in a weird place culturally, where both under diagnosis and overdiagnosis are occuring, in different subsets of people .