Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

[Foreverstar]

AIBU to be both hurt and disappointed that my partner of over 3 years has arranged (behind my back) to go to visit his Mum who has moved abroad for a week with a couple of other relatives and didn't even discuss it with me. His reasoning for not telling me was that I'd not like it...obviously telling me after he booked it makes it so much better...not!! The best bit is that he's not particularly close to his family. We have also not had a holiday ourselves for a long time as we've both been working hard to pay off some debts and he'd previously said we'd visit his Mum for the first time together. I'm not sure what I'm asking but he just thinks it's fine, he's stressed and needs a break from all of us (I have two children) and he'll come back ready to crack on with life/jobs etc. I know he's been particularly stressed of late but feel I've had plenty to deal with too and a joint holiday would have been nice/fair. He moans about taking time off work, spending money and me organising anything yet a family member has arranged this and he's seemingly fine with it. I'm not sure how to get past the hurt and disappointment to be honest. I have arranged something for his birthday at the in a few weeks which is before he goes away but feel it's marred by this. I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break! It feels like he's discarded me yet he's talking about plans for the future and tells me he doesn't get why I think he won't come back etc.
How do I deal with this, I'm currently driving myself potty and can't stop thinking about it and how crap it makes me feel...

Are your children his? Are you married? Do you live together and have a joint account?

No wonder you can't get past the hurt and disappointment; he has acted incredibly selfishly with what I assume is family money. What's the talk about him not coming back? Is there a risk he's walking out on you all?

I can see why you'd feel that way but I don't think he's done anything wrong. He's probably been swept up in his relatives plan. Are the children his? If so, I'd be more inclined to say he is BU as he just assumed you'd care for them by yourself.

He’s going to visit his mum/ family - that isn’t always in the same category as ‘holiday’.

I would be incredibly unimpressed if a partner started trying to put limits on me visiting my family ( who are abroad in a popular holiday destination).

Not ideal that he said he would go with you first, but would the logistics have worked with you/ him + your kids?

No the children aren't his, he has his own house but effectively lives at mine. Not got a joint account but gives me money each month and pays on top of that for other things.

What was his reaction when you had a go at asked him? Was he apologetic?

If they are his kids get him to take them with him and you have a break. If not then why would your kids be taken to see his family - unless you have childcare if you went

Of it’s been organised by family and he’s just going along with it, I can’t see the problem. Can you afford to pay for a holiday for yourself and your children? If not, and they’re your kids not his, then what’s he’s supposed to do? Never visit his own Mum?

The issue is not the going. It's the not discussing it first. That's common courtesy.

In that case I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

What will you have to juggle more of when he's not there?

I think a trip to visit family abroad falls into a slightly different category to a holiday. I think he’s entitled to visit family on his own dime when he likes.

I hope you can get something organised for both of you at some point though, I can see why you’re keen to get away with him for a break.

You begrudge your partner having some time away from you and your two children who aren't his in order to go and visit his mum who lives abroad? Really?

For what it's worth, your kids are not his responsibility. He's allowed to take a break from them. If you need a break from them, where's their actual dad in all this?

What would discussing it achieve when OP is feeling so hurt and disappointed over some that is a non issue.

I’m guessing if he’s having to reassure her that he’s coming back when he just wants a family visit for a week, there are bigger problems.

Book you andnthe kids to go away to see your mum or best friend and tell him afterwards.
There are some really cost effective deals out there. Perhaps a Friday to Monday so kids only have 2 days of school.

It hurts but go enjoy sometime with someone special in your life like mum or a bestie and get a different perspective.

Bloody hell, he's allowed to visit his mum, isn't he?

So you're just boyfriend and girlfriend with no shared responsibilities? Then, no, he doesn't have to ask your permission to visit his Mum, nor does he need to take you with him.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I thought there would be mixed views but yes it's the fact he's just gone ahead with it without even mentioning it and money is tight and whilst we don't have a joint account we are investing in a few things for our supposed future so to do this without even talking to me has especially hurt though he thinks because he's investing in things for our future that should make me feel happy and comfortable with it all. He's not a great communicator at the best of times and 'discussions' can quickly escalate to an argument and he then just leaves until things cool down so it's hard to try and talk to him about it, he doesn't understand when I say that him simply acknowledging how I feel would help a lot!

I think YABU.

It’s not really a holiday as such though is it. He is going to visit his family who happen now to live abroad.

if his mum lived 50 miles up the road and he went to visit and decided to stay a couple of nights you wouldn’t feel upset about it would you?

im not saying that your feelings are wrong but I do wonder if this reaction is about something bigger than a family visit or as you put it a holiday.

it is time to sit down and have a proper adult conversation about your relationship and what it actually is moving forward.
He might be there all the time but technically he is just someone you are dating just now because you and he have separate everything. It feels like a full on partnership because he’s there and gives you money to cover his costs that accrue due to him being there but are you properly in a commitment with plans for more.

Of course he is; it's the lack of communication that is hurtful. It's not like his mum's a quick car ride away; there's a cost associated, and the OP says he moans about her spending money and taking time off.

The issue for me would be less about him going and more about him not even discussing it. I can see why he would want to visit his mum alone or with family. But a discussion needs to be had to agree what's reasonable. Particularly if him going to do that will be at the expense of you having a family holiday.

To be honest though, I don't think the plan of you going on holiday for the first time and meeting his mum for the first time was a good one! Maybe he's realised that.

I'd want to make sure you now have something planned in at least as a family - but not with his mother!

@comedycentral No, she said he moans about himself spending money and taking time off.

If he's spending his own money and taking time off work to visit his mother who he presumably hasn't seen in a while then I think he's perfectly reasonable.

Respectfully, it is unreasonable to complain about him taking a break to visit his mum abroad while you are stuck at home with the kids “juggling everything” - they are your kids and you don’t live together, so that’s your responsibility anyway.

I can understand your disappointment, however you speak as though you are far more entwined than you actually are - you live apart and have your own bills etc. When you mentioned paying off debts, whose debts are you talking about? Yours, his or joint?

Why does he need to discuss it? It none of her business. What "family holiday"? They're not a family. The don't share finances, children, a home, a joint account, They're not engaged or married. They have separate properties. They're boyfriend and girlfriend, and he kips at hers sometimes, that's all.

If OP wants a "family holiday", then she can take her kids on holiday.

So it does, need to put my glasses back on 🤓

I think there's a communication breakdown somewhere in the relationship and a good honest chat from the OP is the only way to move forwards or she'll feel resentment.