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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

111 replies

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:27

AIBU to be both hurt and disappointed that my partner of over 3 years has arranged (behind my back) to go to visit his Mum who has moved abroad for a week with a couple of other relatives and didn't even discuss it with me. His reasoning for not telling me was that I'd not like it...obviously telling me after he booked it makes it so much better...not!! The best bit is that he's not particularly close to his family. We have also not had a holiday ourselves for a long time as we've both been working hard to pay off some debts and he'd previously said we'd visit his Mum for the first time together. I'm not sure what I'm asking but he just thinks it's fine, he's stressed and needs a break from all of us (I have two children) and he'll come back ready to crack on with life/jobs etc. I know he's been particularly stressed of late but feel I've had plenty to deal with too and a joint holiday would have been nice/fair. He moans about taking time off work, spending money and me organising anything yet a family member has arranged this and he's seemingly fine with it. I'm not sure how to get past the hurt and disappointment to be honest. I have arranged something for his birthday at the in a few weeks which is before he goes away but feel it's marred by this. I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break! It feels like he's discarded me yet he's talking about plans for the future and tells me he doesn't get why I think he won't come back etc.
How do I deal with this, I'm currently driving myself potty and can't stop thinking about it and how crap it makes me feel...

OP posts:
Lifestooshort71 · 25/04/2025 10:51

Memo to self to check the date before I get swept up in a zombie thread

Ilikeadrink14 · 25/04/2025 18:07

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:32

No the children aren't his, he has his own house but effectively lives at mine. Not got a joint account but gives me money each month and pays on top of that for other things.

Edited

Then you’re not really together, and I don’t see why he can’t do what he wants. He obviously wants to be able to please himself and not have a commitment, so it’s his business. He even has his own house. You aren’t a couple in his eyes, just mates. If he wanted commitment, he would make things official. He hasn’t because you are allowing him to use you. Either put up with this, or bin him and find someone who cares.

MummaMummaMumma · 23/05/2025 21:24

If he has his own home then you don't "effectively live together" you mean he stays at yours most of the time. So he doesn't pay half your bills etc?
You don't live together, you don't have joint finances and the kids you be left to look after are yours, not his.
Why should he run it past you? And why do you have an issue with him going to see his mum?

SpryCat · 23/05/2025 21:57

I think he’s stressed and wants to get away from you and children and be on his own. He doesn’t live with you, he stays at yours but has his own place.

Missj25 · 04/07/2025 21:48

Pinkissmart · 20/01/2025 19:31

He’s going to visit his mum/ family - that isn’t always in the same category as ‘holiday’.

I would be incredibly unimpressed if a partner started trying to put limits on me visiting my family ( who are abroad in a popular holiday destination).

Not ideal that he said he would go with you first, but would the logistics have worked with you/ him + your kids?

She’s not putting limits on him seeing his family ..
Posters missing the point as usual 🙄..

You would tell your partner you are booking & going away , it’s common courtesy ..
Partners tell each other important shit like this !

Missj25 · 04/07/2025 21:51

Ilikeadrink14 · 25/04/2025 18:07

Then you’re not really together, and I don’t see why he can’t do what he wants. He obviously wants to be able to please himself and not have a commitment, so it’s his business. He even has his own house. You aren’t a couple in his eyes, just mates. If he wanted commitment, he would make things official. He hasn’t because you are allowing him to use you. Either put up with this, or bin him and find someone who cares.

Edited

And you’re clearly disoriented writing your post

Missj25 · 04/07/2025 21:52

Lifestooshort71 · 25/04/2025 10:51

Memo to self to check the date before I get swept up in a zombie thread

🤣🤣🤣

MyBusyWriter · 06/07/2025 00:19

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/01/2025 19:38

Bloody hell, he's allowed to visit his mum, isn't he?

But I would expect after being in a relationship for 3 years that there would be some sort of discussion given that it’s eating up vacation time that they could use as a couple to travel together never mind the fact that by not discussing this with her he didn’t even give her the option of going if she wanted to. I would expect travel to include both of us and be arranged together after a year of dating exclusively let alone 3

MyBusyWriter · 06/07/2025 00:20

MummaMummaMumma · 23/05/2025 21:24

If he has his own home then you don't "effectively live together" you mean he stays at yours most of the time. So he doesn't pay half your bills etc?
You don't live together, you don't have joint finances and the kids you be left to look after are yours, not his.
Why should he run it past you? And why do you have an issue with him going to see his mum?

I mean after 3 yrs I think it’s just common courtesy to discuss travel plans with your partner and invite them along and give them the option. He’s acting like a single man. Also what if OP wanted to use their vacation time for them to travel together and he is eating their vacation time and not even discussing it with her?? This would be a relationship deal breaker for me

SpryCat · 06/07/2025 22:53

He wants to go visit his mum, his promises are broken as he does what he pleases and he sees no reason to please anyone else.

SpryCat · 06/07/2025 23:08

Is the debts yours that you’re paying off? You said moneys been tight, would he have had to pay for your flight? Is this just a family get together with everyone expecting mum to pay for everybody’s food?

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