Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

[Foreverstar]

AIBU to be both hurt and disappointed that my partner of over 3 years has arranged (behind my back) to go to visit his Mum who has moved abroad for a week with a couple of other relatives and didn't even discuss it with me. His reasoning for not telling me was that I'd not like it...obviously telling me after he booked it makes it so much better...not!! The best bit is that he's not particularly close to his family. We have also not had a holiday ourselves for a long time as we've both been working hard to pay off some debts and he'd previously said we'd visit his Mum for the first time together. I'm not sure what I'm asking but he just thinks it's fine, he's stressed and needs a break from all of us (I have two children) and he'll come back ready to crack on with life/jobs etc. I know he's been particularly stressed of late but feel I've had plenty to deal with too and a joint holiday would have been nice/fair. He moans about taking time off work, spending money and me organising anything yet a family member has arranged this and he's seemingly fine with it. I'm not sure how to get past the hurt and disappointment to be honest. I have arranged something for his birthday at the in a few weeks which is before he goes away but feel it's marred by this. I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break! It feels like he's discarded me yet he's talking about plans for the future and tells me he doesn't get why I think he won't come back etc.
How do I deal with this, I'm currently driving myself potty and can't stop thinking about it and how crap it makes me feel...

THIS. If you’ve been with someone for 3 years, you don’t plan a trip away without mentioning it. I m amazed at the amount of posters who say they would be cool with it.

Imagine the conversation that morning - the usual bye/have a good day/see you tonight, and then he says oh, I’m off to Peru at lunchtime, catch you next week … Nah, not many people would be happy with that

@KiKitchensinktoday I totally agree, I'd be miffed if my partner booked a holiday without even mentioning it. I can't imagine doing this to my partner nor him me...it's just bizarre to me that some people have relationships like this

Yabu. It's a bf/gf relationship still if you have separate houses and no shared dc.

Imagine the conversation that morning - the usual bye/have a good day/see you tonight, and then he says oh, I’m off to Peru at lunchtime, catch you next week … Nah, not many people would be happy with that

Or, more realistically “My sister and I booked a trip to visit Mum in March. We’re going on the 9th and are going to stay for 10 days.”

Can’t see a problem with that.

Why the focus though on whether living together or not? Surely if you are living together and have no DC the same "rules" would apply?

It's just common courtesy to let your partner know your plans prior to booking?

From a personal perspective (happy to be flamed for this), but when I have reached a point in any relationship, living together, married or living separately where I've not told my partner about my significant plans in advance it's because I've lost respect for them and I am no longer considering them in whatever I do.

I think it's odd it wasn't discussed generally

I actually think this relationship is already doomed OP. You say that 'He's not a great communicator at the best of times and 'discussions' can quickly escalate to an argument and he then just leaves until things cool down', and now he's booked to go and see his Mum and you're not happy about it, yet he doesn't even live with you, and the children aren't his. It really sounds like 6 of 1, and half dozen of the other, ie, you're as bad as he is, and if you can't communicate before you've even moved in together, then I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I mean he's literally told you "he's stressed and needs a break away from you, and your kids". I'm not sure why you're arguing against that with him? You'd be better off addressing why that actually is vs labouring the going away without you bit?

He's already clearly said he's not wanting to go there with you and your kids. And his actions have shown that. That's the bit you need to be talking about.

I do think that visiting a parent is very different to going on holiday, but he should’ve told you about it. Do you think he suspected that you’d object to him going and that’s why he didn’t say anything?

It’s important to accept that even though his Mim lives abroad, visiting her may still be important to him, even when money is tight. This is unlikely to change, because she’s his Mum.

I should have left out the word "permission" but I stand by what I said.
I'm married with children, so if either of us need to go away for any reason, we would need to run it by the other person first- to make sure that the other person could do 100% of the childcare on their own at that time or there wasn't an important event on etc.

When we were dating, but not living together and didn't have children, if his family were taking a trip, he would tell me- but not ask. Eg "Me, Mum and Sister are going to visit uncle Bob on the 25th" which he has done- he's told her he's going in advance, he hadn't just disappeared.

But he did mention it (which is why OP made the thread).

If he hid it or told her on the day/day before, then it would be rude.

But they don’t live together or share kids etc and he knew they had no plans during that time, so discussed it with his family members and then booked it and then told OP.

I don’t understand why he’d have to wait before booking it to discuss it with OP.

What difference would it make if he booked it and then told her vs planning it but ringing her to tell her and then booking it.
The outcome is still the same.

The only time you need to run it by someone first, is if there may be a reason you can’t go eg because you can’t afford it as a family, have kids etc and so you would discuss it and see if you can make it work.

In this situation there’s no need to discuss it beforehand, as he can discuss it once it was booked, which he did.

OP is just jealous because she wants a holiday.
You wouldn’t say “the best but is that he’s not even close up his family” or moan about leaving you to parent your own kids, if you were only annoyed about it not being discussed with you beforehand.

I don’t think he’s in the wrong for going.

I do think it’s pretty crap that he didn’t have the decency to discuss it with you first. I’m not saying he needs your permission to go, he doesn’t but in a healthy relationship I’d think it was normal to discuss going abroad before you booked anything.

I also don’t think that you ‘needing a break’ is his problem. They’re your kids and if you need a break from them then it’s up to you to facilitate that.

In my world a relationship long term is a couple living together etc not seperate houses,finances children etc

Nothing is stopping the OP from taking her children on holiday whenever she wants.

Considering she’s moaning that her BF is “leaving” her to parent her own children alone for a week in fairly sure she isn’t going to jump at the idea of taking them away alone though.

The person who said this is about communication is right. He is telling her something significant in the context of going on a trip which is wrong and the OP is getting the point.

As a pp pointed out the significant thing is he is doing this to take time out from the whole set up. The very thing the OP sees as a reason for her to be included in his family’s trip. That’s quite a bombshell. That is what needs discussing. And no people pleaser ever gave that as a reason to do something. They would say I’m doing it to keep my sister or mother happy.

In the context of just visiting his mum with his sister then telling the OP of his plans as he has done is enough. He isn’t asking for permission. She should be able to take his decision on board even if she doesn’t like it. The fact the OP can’t is telling. Even if they were married she should be able to accept he is off to see his mum without her and the children.

In the context of saying I am stressed and need to take time out from this situation, he should have done that separately. Again this isn’t something the OP should try to negotiate. But she should have the ability to see this isn’t the time to tell him about all his responsibilities to her and her family. Unless she wants to force a choice. Which she is entitled to do.

This is the beginning of the end, but as usual, loads of posters want to explain away the signs.

He has his own house - if he needs time away from OP and her children, he could have that.

They've been together 3 years, so thisisn't some fly-by-night relationship. I had separate finances when I was married, so would it still have been ok for me to spring this fait accomplis on my then-husband?

Even if he got 'carried away', what it shows is that he has no care for the OP - she doesn't figure in his thoughts the way he would figure in hers. He doesn't consider her a partner in the way she considers him to be her partner.

Add that to his 'inability to communicate' (I would say he can perfectly well communicate via his anger) and how he won't even acknowledge her feelings (why would he? He doesn't care about them) and we have a man who doesn't give a shit.

He's also now shown how he believes that future plans are 'his' not 'ours'. As a PP says, this isn't about permission, it's about consultation.

Give him space, OP, forever. Staying with him will only be dragging out the ending and wasting more of your time and energy.

I am not sure he is as commited to your relationship as you are, which I think is the bigger issue here.

I can see you are understandably jealous. He gets to swan off leaving you with the responsibilities...but as others have said, those aren't his responsibilities and the children are yours. Visiting his family isn't really a holiday and by the sounds of the plans, it's going to be a lot of relatives getting together which could be really boring for you.

Why after 3 years do you still have your own homes? This to me is a sign he already doesn't want to commit too much to you. Also you are moaning about not getting a break but later say the kids dad will have them...so why not arrange a child free weekend with your boyfriend or sort out your own holiday?

What are your joint debts? I am not sure how these are joint and worry whose name they are in as you are not married. If you wanted to free up money then I would suggest moving in properly together then you wouldn't have two mortgages or rents to pay, two sets of bills etc.

Personally I don't think this will work in the long run if you want more from him. He is happy with the way things are, he stops over with you when he wants, I expect you feed him and do his laundry but he still has a bolt hole when he gets fed up with your kids as however much you claim he sees them as his step children I don't think he does.

Blimey you can never win on MN. You don’t live together so are “not committed”. But if you did live together you’d be accused of moving a stranger in with your children 🤷‍♀️

However what jumps out at me is the line “he doesn’t understand why I think he won’t come back”. This is a pretty odd conclusion to jump to from a visit to his mum and makes me think there are other issues. Either you’re incredibly insecure, you think that either the freedom of not being with you and the kids will make him see things differently or you think his family will be encouraging him to consider this relationship (or a mix of all three).

Imagine if mum lived in a dull uninteresting place - instead of abroad?

Going to see mum in *dull midlands town - no thanks - Mum lives in nice warm foreign land -

He’s allowed to go and see his mother with his sister - even if you get married - he’s still allowed.

You can be miffed all you like - that has no bearing on him going.

You've never heard of "LAT" relationships then? One of the fastest growing arrangements amongst adults within the UK.

There are many and varied reasons why people might chose not to share a roof with someone else, but that doesn't mean the commitment to their long term relationship is any less.

I know a couple who are long-term married (over 30 years), who don't live in the same house midweek.

These days with more women being capable of financial independence, they are not reliant on having to live with a man in order that he can "provide" for them and therefore there are many other constructs of relationship than just dating, living together or married.

My situation for last 9 years lol

It’s not a holiday though is it. It’s a visit to his mum with his sister.

My DH’s mum lives abroad and he’s often said ‘ I am going to see mum on her birthday/before Xmas/on the anniversary of dad’s death etc. I’ve looked at flights and I’m going on Saturday …’.

We are a couple but we’re also too separate adults too.

More like, im going up to see my dad next weekend. Its my only opportunity for a while.
I may or may not check with him, but i can't imagine he would be sad to not have to come

You would leave your 2 Dc with a retired friend for a week? Give or take the ‘bit’ of time with their Dad?

OK, he should have discussed this with you in advance.

But tbh he’s spending the cost of one flight. Meanwhile he seems to contribute to the cost of your two kids in daily life, and the holiday you took them on?

It is ok for him to visit his Mum. Family visits are not necessarily great holidays (ask me how I know!)

But the general communication issue is one to address. Not sure how. Best discussed when out of the immediate context. Both think about ways that a conversation turns into a row. could asking questions rather than giving opinions make a difference? Explaining how you feel rather than making accusations about behaviour (“I feel ignored when I am not given information “ rather than “you always do this you are selfish and ignore me”). Etc.

He only 'effectively' lives at your house and still has his own place. You don't have a joint account. Your kids aren't his. You don't have joint finances and he gives you money for things. He absolutely doesn't have to ask you before booking a trip overseas to see his family and of course he doesn't have to take you with him. You're not joined at the hip.