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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

111 replies

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:27

AIBU to be both hurt and disappointed that my partner of over 3 years has arranged (behind my back) to go to visit his Mum who has moved abroad for a week with a couple of other relatives and didn't even discuss it with me. His reasoning for not telling me was that I'd not like it...obviously telling me after he booked it makes it so much better...not!! The best bit is that he's not particularly close to his family. We have also not had a holiday ourselves for a long time as we've both been working hard to pay off some debts and he'd previously said we'd visit his Mum for the first time together. I'm not sure what I'm asking but he just thinks it's fine, he's stressed and needs a break from all of us (I have two children) and he'll come back ready to crack on with life/jobs etc. I know he's been particularly stressed of late but feel I've had plenty to deal with too and a joint holiday would have been nice/fair. He moans about taking time off work, spending money and me organising anything yet a family member has arranged this and he's seemingly fine with it. I'm not sure how to get past the hurt and disappointment to be honest. I have arranged something for his birthday at the in a few weeks which is before he goes away but feel it's marred by this. I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break! It feels like he's discarded me yet he's talking about plans for the future and tells me he doesn't get why I think he won't come back etc.
How do I deal with this, I'm currently driving myself potty and can't stop thinking about it and how crap it makes me feel...

OP posts:
Completelyjo · 20/01/2025 19:55

He’s allowed to visit him mum without you. That’s literally all there is to it.

SometimesCalmPerson · 20/01/2025 19:57

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:40

Thanks everyone for your replies, I thought there would be mixed views but yes it's the fact he's just gone ahead with it without even mentioning it and money is tight and whilst we don't have a joint account we are investing in a few things for our supposed future so to do this without even talking to me has especially hurt though he thinks because he's investing in things for our future that should make me feel happy and comfortable with it all. He's not a great communicator at the best of times and 'discussions' can quickly escalate to an argument and he then just leaves until things cool down so it's hard to try and talk to him about it, he doesn't understand when I say that him simply acknowledging how I feel would help a lot!

Are your feelings reasonable though? Maybe if he could predict an explosive reaction from you he decided it would be better to tell you after it was booked so you couldn’t stop him. You’re saying that he is doing things to invest in the future but also telling him that it’s not enough. If you put someone in a position where they are automatically wrong, they will behave accordingly.

Cm19841 · 20/01/2025 19:59

You maintain separate households. You do not share children. You do not have joint finances. He does contribute financially when he is with you and pays for things on top. He is not responsible for your choices. I'm sorry you feel a great weight on your shoulders but you give the impression of being far more coupled than you really are. Unless you're not telling us something about your commitment to each other, because on paper you're just boyfriend and girlfriend.

I would reflect on why he booked without telling you and what that indicates about how he currently feels. He may want to see his family, he may want to join the trip because a relative did all the admin around it, he may really want a break from your children, a break because he is stressed at work. He may just want a break and at this point he doesn't need your permission. I'd also think about why you are reliant on him and expect him to be there with you for you to not feel resentment.

I think it would be healthy if your relationship was in a place where he discussed it with you before booking because you would be supportive and not feel resentment.

Original poster
Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 20:00

To be fair we effectively live together, we have holidayed together in the past as a family i.e. with my children who he absolutely sees as his stepchildren and I have met his mother numerous times so wouldn't be a first meeting with her just a first visit to her home abroad. We plan life together in general which is why I'm hurt. We both work long hours and I was looking forward to going together as we previously discussed. My children's father does the bare minimum but we have an amazing friend who's a bit older and has retired and she will always look after the children for us if we plan anything so childcare wouldn't be an issue coupled with the bit of time they have at their Dad's.
I think those that have mentioned him getting swept up in family plans have a point - his sister was planning it and asked him, he's stressed, fancied a break and generally doesn't like saying no to anyone really!
Thanks for all the responses, I do appreciate them and the different viewpoints.

OP posts:
Fuckingpissedoff1234 · 20/01/2025 20:01

I can see where you are coming from in terms of not mentioning it to you before booking, but not the actual going.
If you are in a serious, committed relationship (living together or not) it's only respectful to talk to each other about your plans before booking, not after arranging it with everybody else. I think mature relationships differ in this respect to younger relationships as it's more common not to go down the living together route, but still expect to be treated with the same respect as any serious, committed partnership.
However, your children are your responsibility, not his.

DaftyLass · 20/01/2025 20:02

Going to see his mum is fine.

Not being able to talk to you freely about while it was in the planning stage, says there are communication issues, and that's not fine.

It does very much sound like you feel he has a responsibility to be there looking after your children, and that when he spends his money on himself , he should be checking with you.
Those are big things to work out.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/01/2025 20:04

My parents live abroad. If I visit it would be the same as though I visited them in say Birmingham or (other city). It is never a holiday and it's just a lot of sitting round the kitchen and char the same as if I was just day visiting in Birmingham. I suspect you aren't missing much.

BeaAndBen · 20/01/2025 20:04

There is nothing to discuss, though, is there @Foreverstar?

You don’t live together, you don’t have joint money, they aren’t his children you are looking after. He doesn’t have to run anything past you ahead of making plans.

He and another member of his family (brother or sister?) are going to visit his mum abroad. The other person made the arrangements. Your boyfriend told you about it.

Did you have plans for that week that depended on him? Were you both supposed to be attending something? If not, I don’t think you are being reasonable.

Catofthesouth · 20/01/2025 20:04

Maybe he should spend more time at his own home. See you 2 nights a week. Do his own cooking and washing etc. you’d both be less “stressed”. Bet he gets supper, washing and all that at your house. Leave him to sort himself for a bit.

HelloCello · 20/01/2025 20:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Catza · 20/01/2025 20:06

You know... 6 months ago I would have said you were unreasonable and that your partner is perfectly entitled to go on holiday by himself. Having just separated from my partner who enjoyed his freedom for all the years we've been together, I say take it as a sign. A sign that he doesn't really value the relationship the same way you do, that he doesn't see you as part of the family, that he is going to continue to break his promises. And if he is a poor communicator, you won't even be able to have a calm discussion about how to move forward. So think where your line in the sand is. I wish I drew mine much much earlier.

Completelyjo · 20/01/2025 20:08

To be fair we effectively live together, we have holidayed together in the past as a family i.e. with my children who he absolutely sees as his stepchildren and I have met his mother numerous times

No of this really has anything to do with him going to see his own mother.

Redcandlescandal · 20/01/2025 20:09

I think YABU. You don’t really live together or have joint finances and your children aren’t his.

If you want a holiday with your DC surely that’s your responsibility, not his. You definitely need to back off telling him he’s out of order for visiting his own mother!!!

Cornishclio · 20/01/2025 20:14

I think if you don't live together, have children together or shared finances he can do as he wishes. Save up for a holiday for yourself and your children.

LizzoBennett · 20/01/2025 20:17

I think you know why he didn't mention the holiday to you. He knew you would want to come and he didn't want you to come. He knew it would cause a big argument either way so he decided to have the argument after booking the flights rather than before in order to seal the deal. He should have told you beforehand, but something tells me that you're a strong character and he took the easier route to 'win'.

meganorks · 20/01/2025 20:17

mrsm43s · 20/01/2025 19:52

Why does he need to discuss it? It none of her business. What "family holiday"? They're not a family. The don't share finances, children, a home, a joint account, They're not engaged or married. They have separate properties. They're boyfriend and girlfriend, and he kips at hers sometimes, that's all.

If OP wants a "family holiday", then she can take her kids on holiday.

Show quote history

Boyfriend of 3 years and she says they pretty much live together. To not even mention it till its a done deal seems a bit sneaky. Could have just been a conversation.
They might not be his kids but they've discussed going on holiday together, and even to his mums, so it would seem curteous to mention it to her. I don't think he's wrong to want to go, but I can't see how it wouldn't come up in conversation unless he's purposely not told her.

mrsm43s · 20/01/2025 20:18

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 20:00

To be fair we effectively live together, we have holidayed together in the past as a family i.e. with my children who he absolutely sees as his stepchildren and I have met his mother numerous times so wouldn't be a first meeting with her just a first visit to her home abroad. We plan life together in general which is why I'm hurt. We both work long hours and I was looking forward to going together as we previously discussed. My children's father does the bare minimum but we have an amazing friend who's a bit older and has retired and she will always look after the children for us if we plan anything so childcare wouldn't be an issue coupled with the bit of time they have at their Dad's.
I think those that have mentioned him getting swept up in family plans have a point - his sister was planning it and asked him, he's stressed, fancied a break and generally doesn't like saying no to anyone really!
Thanks for all the responses, I do appreciate them and the different viewpoints.

No such thing as effectively living together. You either share financial and practical responsibility of a joint home or you don't. If you both have separate homes, you don't live together.

He can't "see' your children as his step children. It doesn't work like that,they either are or they aren't. Since you're not married and he has no financial or legal responsibility for your children, he's not their step dad. He's their mother's boyfriend.

You haven't been on family holidays together, you're not a family! You and your children are family, He is your uncommitted boyfriend.

Cm19841 · 20/01/2025 20:18

Why do you not live together? Are they joint debts you are paying off?

Totally my opinion, but when you do not live together it is very hard to think of your partner as your children's step-father.

Other posters have pointed out he should spend more time at his own home and his time doing his own domestic things, rather than come to yours. While I don't think he has to answer to you, he can be respectful and consult if you're carrying his domestic load.

Wonderi · 20/01/2025 20:52

YABU

You aren’t married, you don’t live together and you don’t have kids together.

There would be no reason to need to run it by you first.

It sounds like if he did mention it, you would want to be invited and he obviously didn’t want that and so didn’t want to upset you.

You are annoyed he gets a holiday and you don’t but yet admit finances are tight - which one is it.

Of course you’re going to have to continue working and looking after your 2 kids.
They aren’t his kids and I don’t know why you’d be upset over this.

You seem more annoyed about not being invited, than him not running it by you first.

He can go and see his mum without you.

Branleuse · 20/01/2025 21:46

I think yabu.
Why would you even want to go?
I think if his relatives wanted to go see her and he wanted to go with them, i don't see why he needs your authorisation?

I know you have a lot on your plate and are stressed, but i really don't think visiting his parents should be considered a holiday.

Eenameenadeeka · 20/01/2025 21:46

If he has his own home and you don't share finances and the children aren't his, he sounds like a boyfriend not a partner, he doesn't need to ask permission to go anywhere. If money is tight, it makes sense that you wouldn't spend on going to visit his Mum, that's important for him but not you. You've said you're left at home caring for the children, but they aren't his so that's not his responsibility.

Branleuse · 20/01/2025 21:53

i have been with my husband decades, and I do not feel the need to discuss it if i wanted to visit family for a bit. Whats to discuss? As long as it doesnt clash with anything important.

boobleblingo · 20/01/2025 22:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

People in decent relationships don't need to "even the score".
OP needs to communicate with her boyfriend, not play stupid games.

Poppyseeds79 · 20/01/2025 22:15

Why do you think he won't come back OP?

Fuckingpissedoff1234 · 20/01/2025 22:23

Eenameenadeeka · 20/01/2025 21:46

If he has his own home and you don't share finances and the children aren't his, he sounds like a boyfriend not a partner, he doesn't need to ask permission to go anywhere. If money is tight, it makes sense that you wouldn't spend on going to visit his Mum, that's important for him but not you. You've said you're left at home caring for the children, but they aren't his so that's not his responsibility.

Surely it's not about, "asking permission". I've never felt the need to ask for permission for anything as a grown adult whether living on my own or married/cohabiting. In fact, I would actively avoid getting into a relationship where I was treated as a child that needs permission to do anything.

It's about having the respect for your partner to let them know prior to finalising arrangements? Not doing so shows a certain lack of consideration and respect as to how important that person is in your life. It sends a very definite message that, "you are not that important and I don't need to consider you". That has nothing to do with living together or not, but to do with a commitment to whether you see the person as important in your life, or whether you expect them to fit around you.