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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner booked a holiday for himself excluding me

111 replies

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:27

AIBU to be both hurt and disappointed that my partner of over 3 years has arranged (behind my back) to go to visit his Mum who has moved abroad for a week with a couple of other relatives and didn't even discuss it with me. His reasoning for not telling me was that I'd not like it...obviously telling me after he booked it makes it so much better...not!! The best bit is that he's not particularly close to his family. We have also not had a holiday ourselves for a long time as we've both been working hard to pay off some debts and he'd previously said we'd visit his Mum for the first time together. I'm not sure what I'm asking but he just thinks it's fine, he's stressed and needs a break from all of us (I have two children) and he'll come back ready to crack on with life/jobs etc. I know he's been particularly stressed of late but feel I've had plenty to deal with too and a joint holiday would have been nice/fair. He moans about taking time off work, spending money and me organising anything yet a family member has arranged this and he's seemingly fine with it. I'm not sure how to get past the hurt and disappointment to be honest. I have arranged something for his birthday at the in a few weeks which is before he goes away but feel it's marred by this. I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break! It feels like he's discarded me yet he's talking about plans for the future and tells me he doesn't get why I think he won't come back etc.
How do I deal with this, I'm currently driving myself potty and can't stop thinking about it and how crap it makes me feel...

OP posts:
battairzeedurgzome · 21/01/2025 10:29

Visiting family is a different experience from going on holiday; for a start, your partner's time won't be fully at his own disposal. And you are not living together in the same household, so it is not a given that you will take holidays together.

strawberrysea · 21/01/2025 11:25

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/01/2025 19:37

You begrudge your partner having some time away from you and your two children who aren't his in order to go and visit his mum who lives abroad? Really?

For what it's worth, your kids are not his responsibility. He's allowed to take a break from them. If you need a break from them, where's their actual dad in all this?

Spot on

strawberrysea · 21/01/2025 11:27

You keep saying that money is tight but I don't understand what you mean by that? You don't live together and you don't share finances so why is what he does with his money and of your business.

Your children aren't his responsibility and it sounds as if he's already fairly generous in regards to sending you money every month.

caffelattetogo · 21/01/2025 11:36

Given that you don't live together, aren't married and they aren't his children, I can't see the issue. I went on loads of holidays without DH when he was my boyfriend, and when we were engaged. It's only now we need to manage work holidays with the children's school holidays that we always holiday together. Also, he's with his family, and that's important time for them together.

MagpiePi · 21/01/2025 11:38

Maybe his mum doesn’t want to host you and your kids? Maybe the siblings don’t want it to be all about a holiday for you and your kids?

There is a completely different dynamic when there are just family members to when there are partners and their children there too.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/01/2025 11:57

He didn’t mention it until booked because he knew you’d not want him to go without you. YABU. You can’t control everything. He is allowed to visit his mum without you.

ImmortalSnowman · 21/01/2025 12:12

Money is tight but he's paying you monthly and top ups? He must be giving you enough money to cover the food he eats and the extra bit of electricity he uses. Everything else you would still be paying if he wasn't there.

You sound jealous (and self centred) because he's spending money on his family and not you and your children. He's going to visit his mum with his family. He doesn't need to include you or are you trying to isolate him?

Sort your finances out, tell him he needs to only stay a couple of nights a week - which he will likely give you money to do anyway - and stop saving for "future" things with him if money is that tight.

If this was a man asking this you'd be getting a shredding for expecting a woman to provide for your children and not see her family.

bumbledalong · 21/01/2025 12:18

It's not a holiday

He's just going to visit his mum with other family members who have organised it.

Sometimes mums like to see their kids without the children's partners being there too as that changes the dynamics!

You don't live together and don't have children together so you're absolutely over reacting.

xRobin · 21/01/2025 12:26

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:40

Thanks everyone for your replies, I thought there would be mixed views but yes it's the fact he's just gone ahead with it without even mentioning it and money is tight and whilst we don't have a joint account we are investing in a few things for our supposed future so to do this without even talking to me has especially hurt though he thinks because he's investing in things for our future that should make me feel happy and comfortable with it all. He's not a great communicator at the best of times and 'discussions' can quickly escalate to an argument and he then just leaves until things cool down so it's hard to try and talk to him about it, he doesn't understand when I say that him simply acknowledging how I feel would help a lot!

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable, it just sucks for you.
He shouldn’t have to ask to see his family, but it would have been courtesy to say “by the way I’m booking this…”.
Did he avoid telling you beforehand knowing you’d perhaps remind him you were supposed to go with him and he didn’t want to feel torn or guilty? They say it’s always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
He has chosen you and your children, it doesn’t mean it isn’t overwhelming for him to have a microwave family (ready-made).
My partner chose me and my little girl but sometimes he does struggle adjusting to the extra people who look to him for love/support etc. and he is also absolutely god awful at communicating.
Maybe, while he’s away, organise a day trip just for you and your kids, use the time to create fond memories for your children. x

YouveGotAFastCar · 21/01/2025 12:33

We plan life together in general which is why I'm hurt

Thats your crux.

You plan life together. He’s planned this without you and referred to needing a “break” from you all.

Talk to him.

WeightLoss2025 · 21/01/2025 13:10

Foreverstar · 20/01/2025 19:32

No the children aren't his, he has his own house but effectively lives at mine. Not got a joint account but gives me money each month and pays on top of that for other things.

Edited

Then you're being ridiculous.

With all due respect, saying that you're going to be stuck at home juggling everything is just bonkers... they're your children 😅 That's what parents do! It doesn't matter that their own father does nothing....your BF is not their parent, or even their step parent so he shouldn't be made to feel guilty that you're left at home with your own 2 children.

You've only been together 3 years, you don't live together, but it seems like he's good enough to contribute to your household and some on top... and your giving him a hard time for going away with his actual family?

I'd say you'd need to cop yourself on a bit tbh. If I was in his shoes, I'd be running a mile from you, totally controlling behaviour.

xRobin · 21/01/2025 13:46

WeightLoss2025 · 21/01/2025 13:10

Then you're being ridiculous.

With all due respect, saying that you're going to be stuck at home juggling everything is just bonkers... they're your children 😅 That's what parents do! It doesn't matter that their own father does nothing....your BF is not their parent, or even their step parent so he shouldn't be made to feel guilty that you're left at home with your own 2 children.

You've only been together 3 years, you don't live together, but it seems like he's good enough to contribute to your household and some on top... and your giving him a hard time for going away with his actual family?

I'd say you'd need to cop yourself on a bit tbh. If I was in his shoes, I'd be running a mile from you, totally controlling behaviour.

Show quote history

I think the last part of this is quite harsh.
We only have small snippets of their life through what OP has shared, it doesn’t come across as controlling to me.
It seems there may be some insecurities and not a lot of open communication from her partner.
He deserves to go away with his family but OP deserves communication from her partner.

I’d be completely thrown if my partner booked a holiday without discussing it, mostly because I’d have been impressed he knew how to 😂

BeaAndBen · 21/01/2025 13:54

I’d be completely thrown if my partner booked a holiday without discussing it, mostly because I’d have been impressed he knew how to 😂

In fairness, the boyfriend’s sister did all the arranging, so he didn’t even have to do that!

WeightLoss2025 · 21/01/2025 16:28

@xRobin I actually don't think it's harsh and I do believe this behaviour is controlling.

If I had a boyfriend who I had been with for 3 years who had two children that weren't mine, we didn't live together, didn't share finances (but I still contributed to the household and paid more on top), weren't even engaged and he gave me a hard time over booking a break away with my family (or for any other reason for that matter) that would be a hug red flag and I would run a mile.

If roles were reversed here and OPs boyfriend was guilting her about taking a break to go see her Mom and her BF was moaning that he was going to be left at home with his own children we would all be saying that this is incredibly controlling behaviour and to rethink the relationship.

Vannymcvan · 24/01/2025 21:57

I hate to say it but you may have plans for a future together, and you may spend a lot of time together, but after three years you're just dating. You're not engaged, nor have you committed to living together. So whilst you might be disappointed, both of you can make your own plans. You might want to have a frank discussion about how serious the relationship is.

ChiliFiend · 24/01/2025 22:35

I'm finding all the "you are being unreasonable" responses really depressing. Of COURSE he should have talked about it with you; that's the sign of a mature and loving relationship - even if it's just to let you know what his plans are and talk through any feelings you might have about it.

Pherian · 24/01/2025 22:44

You’re delusional.
You don’t actually live together. He comes to your place every night.

You’re not engaged. You have no joint accounts.

You need to have a conversation about what’s going on and if you’re. Not living together and sharing bills and no plans for the future - stop being stupid.

WeightLoss2025 · 24/01/2025 22:48

ChiliFiend · 24/01/2025 22:35

I'm finding all the "you are being unreasonable" responses really depressing. Of COURSE he should have talked about it with you; that's the sign of a mature and loving relationship - even if it's just to let you know what his plans are and talk through any feelings you might have about it.

Talk through any feelings his GF has about him seeing his own mother and spending time with his family?

Riiiiiight...

Factchecking7 · 24/01/2025 23:03

I think it's fine, he's visiting his mother & what on earth has his birthday got to do with it. If I wanted to visit my mother I would expect to without a partner getting in a mood about it and saying they couldn't ' get past it. Sounds ridiculous. You have children, why wouldn't you be looking after them, it's quite normal.

ChiliFiend · 25/01/2025 07:48

WeightLoss2025 · 24/01/2025 22:48

Talk through any feelings his GF has about him seeing his own mother and spending time with his family?

Riiiiiight...

Show quote history

They'd talked about doing this trip together, and now he's booked it just for himself without telling her. Of course he should have given her a heads up, and had a proper grown up conversation about it. It's not that difficult a concept.

ThatCoralShark · 25/01/2025 07:55

You don’t actually live together though op and don’t share finances, he is allowed to go and see his mother, and doesn’t need to take you and your children with him.

I suspect he didn’t mention it as he knew you’d want to tag along. But in going, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, he hasn’t even organised it a member of his family has.

EMUKE · 08/04/2025 10:14

I know this has been a 3 year relationship but I’d be enforcing my 5 year plan. If this was me I would 100% be questioning this relationship. I’m sure you have discussed the future ect but how committed is he if he easily plans a break away without discussing with you?! Please also be reminded you live separate and they are not his children so the comment “I don't have a holiday to look forward to, I don't get to share the experience of his first visit to his Mum's, I'll be left at home with the boys, working full time, juggling everything like I do whilst he gets his much needed break!” Is all on you. Why wouldn’t you book a holiday for you and the kids? Juggling everything like you do? I’d reevaluate your life. You’re lucky you have a property, you have healthy kids, you have a full time job. If this is your biggest issue you’re doing ok. You don’t live together, you aren’t married, you don’t have kids together, you don’t get to have the 50/50 life. After 3 years if someone wasn’t committed to me & my kids I’d be gone.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2025 10:20

comedycentral · 20/01/2025 19:30

No wonder you can't get past the hurt and disappointment; he has acted incredibly selfishly with what I assume is family money. What's the talk about him not coming back? Is there a risk he's walking out on you all?

How is it family money? They’re not family. He has a girlfriend with children and they each have their own house.

I’d be very cheesed off if someone I wasn’t living with told me I shouldn’t be visiting my mum if I felt like it.

comedycentral · 11/04/2025 08:36

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2025 10:20

How is it family money? They’re not family. He has a girlfriend with children and they each have their own house.

I’d be very cheesed off if someone I wasn’t living with told me I shouldn’t be visiting my mum if I felt like it.

Show quote history

I have no idea how to respond now, this thread was from January and can barely remember the context - I've probably answered in thread? Or someone else has.

Strangeworldtoday · 25/04/2025 10:39

Sounds like hes come into a family, stepped up looking after kids whoes dads a deadbeat and contributes to your house financially even though he also has his own.
Let the man have a break and spend time with his family, sounds like he spends a lot of time with yours already.