I don't know how to have a normal life

[babasaclover]

I have been incredibly depressed. Even getting up and showering / eating / drinking water has been like a marathon.

I've recently come out of that somewhat and being able to get myself back on track, I've started going to the gym and it has helped the mood exponentially. So now I'm in limbo and not living a 'normal' life. I go to the gym / swim and then when I get home I simply wander the house unsure what to do with the day. I do the housework washing etc but it's not enough I'm wasting the weekend. Tbh I'm wasting my evenings too.

Can you help me structure a day please? What things should I be doing? Appreciate the weather is rough but I can't simply hibernate until spring.

I had an awful upbringing. AIBU to think I can ever trust my own judgement to know what is normal?

Do you or can you work OP?

I didn't want to read and run, I can't help right now but wanted to reassure you that you're not alone and how positive it is for you to ask for help x

If you work it provides a good structure to your day.

I work full time so those hours are accounted for - it's more like I don't know what to do when not on the clock if you see what I mean. Technically I'm free so I should be doing something with my time?

I agree I would be lost without work.

I work full time so Monday to Friday are mostly dealt with bar evenings.

It read as though you might not.

How about reading? Crafting? Taking up a new social sport? A lot of cricket clubs are starting women's soft ball teams that are friendly.

Don't forget that having downtime is absolutely fine and normal.

Its good you're getting out to the gym but it sounds like you now need to become at ease with your own company. Could you take yourself round Hobbycraft and pick up a kit or whatever takes your fancy and learn a new skill just for fun?

It sounds like you’re scared to relax and do nothing because you’re scared of getting ‘stuck’ again and equate it with being ill. What do you do to rest and relax?

Thanks so much. It's taken a lot to manage to write this post

When you say you are wasting your weekends and days what do you mean? Are you bored or just feel you should be doing something?

There’s nothing you ‘should’ be doing. You can try out different things to see what you enjoy doing.

Sign up for the library and take out some books, do some baking, watch a show or documentary, go to the cinema, go out to the shops, get your nails done, join a book club or art class, volunteer, get a gold fish, pick up knitting or crocheting, get a Lego set or a jigsaw, do Wordle or times crossword, cook something new from scratch, get a colouring book, do a night course, go for a walk, do Yoga, call family or friends, de-clutter, go to antique sales or look around charity shops, visit a local cafe, paint…

Yes exactly that! I'm also scared to not go to the gym cause I fear I'll be out of that routine and it's helping so much.

Literally if not work (from home so able to hide a lot of the depressive traits) I'm on sofa watching tv. It can't be the best use of my time.

I work full time so Monday to Friday are mostly dealt with bar evenings

Right, you asked ‘how to structure a day’, so probably best to clarify ‘how to structure my evenings and weekends’.

Maybe make a timetable of things and that in itself becomes routine. Housework. Shopping. Hobbies. Relaxation. Exercise. Put it on a timetable and stick with it until it’s routine.

I would go to the gym/swim twice a week in the evening and then once on the weekend.
So after the gym, go home and make dinner, shower etc and then it’s pretty much time for bed.
The other evenings can you see/call a friend, or take up another hobby? Or cook a more extravagant dinner that takes more time? You do need some time where you’re not actually doing anything as well, so can you watch a series/movie for the evening? Play computer games?

I think you sound fairly busy- working full time and going to the gym etc.

I was brought up thinking if you sat on the sofa, watched a film, had a lie in etc you were ‘lazy’, wasting the day. I’m comfortable now sitting in my own company, recharging my batteries. It’s taken a long time and encouragement from my husband to give myself the permission to relax.

Perhaps you feel the same.

I don't think anyone can tell you what you 'should' be doing as everyone has different interests and one person's day off would be unbearable for someone else.

On my Saturdays off I take DS swimming then I go (usually alone) to a music club before lunch. After lunch if I lived in a perfect world I'd also walk the dog then go and watch a live rugby match locally or at a stadium.
In reality we mooch around the house, doing chores, laundry, sometimes going out for food, or into town.
Most evenings I sit on the sofa with my dog either watching something on Netflix or reading. Every evening I do Duolingo for around 15-20 mins and since lockdown I have learned Italian to a fairly conversational standard with the free version.

Sundays I take DD to rugby in the morning then spend the afternoon making them do homework or music practice.

On my days off without kids I walk the dog or go for a bike ride or run, go to shops or cafes, potter around the house and/or read.

I'm so pleased that you're coming out of a depressive phase, my DH has severe depression and I'm just stitting tight waiting for him to feel better. 💐

Get a cat. Just feeding them twice a day gives you some structure. Many other benefits too.

Hi OP, just wanted to tell you how amazingly you're doing to be getting out of the house to work and go to the gym. That must have been (and continue to be) a big challenge when dealing with depression. You don't mention any of the people in your life or any social plans at all, what is your support network like? You mention your upbringing was awful, do you have any family and friends who are positive influences in your life now? A partner/kids? If not, it sounds like you may benefit from finding some social activities that will help you to find some good friends or at the very least some likeminded acquaintances to hang out with doing something you enjoy. The gym is great but can be quite a solitary thing to do so I wonder if any team sports might be a good idea, if that's your thing? Or a walking club, book club, whatever it is you're into. Wishing you well and hope you find some happiness in your life, you deserve it x

Working full time and going to the gym is good, nothing wrong with spending your spare time relaxing watching TV, we all need a bit of down time. If you do really feel like you need more you could look for social groups, there may be some through the library, church's, local charities. If your area has social prescribers they will know about what is going on. If socialising isn't what you're looking for there are free courses online you can complete or use duolingo or similar apps and YouTube to learn another language.

Not the same situation but I have recently gone from living with exDP and having a dog who gave me structure outside of work to living alone and feeling a lost and that I have nothing to get up for at the weekends if that makes sense. I too go to the gym but still feel like I always need to be doing more. Reading has actually been great for me as it feels like I am doing something but also relaxing instead of sticking netflix on and doom scrolling which feels like a complete waste of time.

I bought on Alexa and programmed my routine into her so she tells me to do things.

I've challenged myself to read 12 books this year, so she tells me at 9pm It's time towards my reading goal.

I play music or an audio book through it whilst crocheting, it's easy to learn and keeps your hands busy from doom scrolling

We have a long coastal walk here so I pack up my bag with water, soup and a bread roll and walk a different leg one Sunday a month.

Similarly a local nature reserve is good for a stomp around and only takes an hour to do a route at our one but you feel like you've accomplished something and always see deer or storks they aldo take volunteers either in the cafe or for conservation. They also run workshops for drawing /photography / stainless glass

I'm out of the house 7-7 most days so by the time I've got in, eaten and showered, reconnected with Dd and done bedtime, I only have an hour or so for myself.

I unashamedly sit and read, then go to bed at 9 and read some more!

It's amazing that you're taking these steps like gym to help your mental health OP. Be kind to yourself and self soothe however you need to. Books are excellent, booze and dairy milk not so much 🤪

I think the real issue here is how you are viewing your free time as something to be filled. It doesn’t sound like you are enjoying going to the gym either even though you’re getting some benefit from it? I think you are still at a level of depression where you need to focus on treatment (maybe go back to your doctor to discuss your medication if u are on it). You are in “I must fix myself” mode, in my broad experience that means that you are sicker than you realise. Get professional help and in the meantime try to find anything that will genuinely help you to relax/ give you some level of enjoyment and try to be kind to yourself.
My other advice would be don’t post about mh in AIBU, go to the mh board.

Check out your local college and see if there are any evening classes. A language, cookery, pottery, photography, counselling, etc. There may be something that takes your fancy. Or do an online course.

Take up another sport. One where they have a group, check out your local leisure centre, badminton, squash, netball, etc.

Or you can get the craft magazines where you can learn lace craft, knitting, crocheting, cake decorating, etc.

The world is your oyster. Good Luck!

I’m so pleased to hear you are feeling better. Well done for the steps you have taken.

I don’t know if this is of interest for you but I think this is something ChatGPT could help you with. I asked it for something similar to give my WFH days more structure as I found I was feeling really sluggish and a bit blue. Generic example below but you can refine it depending on what you think you have energy for and would like to achieve. Mine is quite precise eg I built in a slot for 20 mins of yoga, spoke about what I would eat etc, when and how I’d do chores, what relaxation looked like / when phone should go away etc.

7:30am - Wake up.
7:45am-8:30am - Walk to get coffee
8:30am-9:00am - Shower then Breakfast
9:00am-11:30am - Work
11:30am-11:45am - Mid-morning snack and short break
11:45am-1:00pm - Work
1:00pm-2:00pm - Lunch
2:00pm-4:00pm - Work
4:00pm-4:30pm - PM snack and break
4:30pm-6:00pm - Work
6:00-7:00pm - YouTube workout or yoga
7:00pm-8:00pm - Supper
8:00pm-11:00pm - Relaxation, personal time, or light tasks.
11:00pm - Bedtime
11:30pm - Asleep