Ex kicking off over present

Woodstocks · 2025-01-20T12:17:44+00:00

My step child turned 8 last week and wanted expensive branded rugby boots. My husband gifted them to him but bought a used pair. Now his ex is kicking off and spoiling the present for the son by berating the present because they aren’t brand new shoes. Are we unreasonable for not buying a growing child brand new boots that get used once a week at practice? We ourselves also buy the majority of clothes from charity shops. The way the request was phrased it sounded like the son asked for the boots and then got told to ask his dad for them (probably because they aren’t brand expensive!) and now she’s kicking off that he doesn’t love his son and doesn’t want good things for him because of this.

PierceMorgansChin · 20/01/2025 12:19

I wouldn't wear used shoes/boots and I would not allow my daughter to wear them. Gross

yeesh · 20/01/2025 12:22

second hand shoes is gross tbh, especially for sport where they would be more sweaty and dirty.

Dotto · 20/01/2025 12:24

How used were they? Assuming they were clean, barely used and not smelly at all I don't think he was being unreasonable.

I'm not sure I've love a sweaty pair of 2nd hand sports shoes though personally. What does the 8yo think?

HPandthelastwish · 20/01/2025 12:24

What sort of gift? A just because gift which would be fine or an actual birthday or Christmas gift? Which would be less so.

DD rugby club have used boots that you can have for a £5 donation to the club but I wouldn't give them as a gift.

Pamelaaaaarrr · 20/01/2025 12:25

Despite the previous posters, it's actually really usual for people to have secondhand football boots - especially with growing children who don't get much use out of them. (Husband has been a coach for 10 years, we see a lot of children and a lot of boots). They are expensive. My SS would rather have an expensive secondhand pair rather than a cheap pair from Sports Direct. There's a big market in secondhand football boots. If the ex wants brand new shoes, she's welcome to procure these for herself.

Dotto · 20/01/2025 12:27

Pamelaaaaarrr · 20/01/2025 12:25

Despite the previous posters, it's actually really usual for people to have secondhand football boots - especially with growing children who don't get much use out of them. (Husband has been a coach for 10 years, we see a lot of children and a lot of boots). They are expensive. My SS would rather have an expensive secondhand pair rather than a cheap pair from Sports Direct. There's a big market in secondhand football boots. If the ex wants brand new shoes, she's welcome to procure these for herself.

That's interesting.. I suppose any bacteria and fungus will be killed by a good spray.

DaisyChain505 · 20/01/2025 12:27

It’s none of her business at the end of the day.

Tell her respectfully to mind her own business.

If your step son is happy with them that’s all the matters.

Wolfhat · 20/01/2025 12:27

I also buy vast majority of clothes second hand. I would absolutely buy a pair of occasion heels for a one off event second hand but I would buy new for trainers/ everyday shoes.

I think particularly exercise footwear as they can stretch to fit the foot, get scuffed or stretched and are obviously quite quickly damaged. Normally I would say it depends by what you mean second hand? Ive seen basically new 'second hand' where the child tried them on once in the house and didnt get on with them or quit the sport and theyve been gathering dust.

That said, it was a present and Id feel a bit let down, particularly if it didnt have the box and wasnt shiny and new, thats part of the fun. If it was out of budget it maybe should have been a conversation. Yes but theyll be second hand or you can choose your own new ones from this selection.

EauNeu · 20/01/2025 12:27

Hmm, buying used boots maybe, sounds like it's not that unusual, but as a birthday present it may seem stingy if that was the only gift or unless your partner is very strapped for cash

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/01/2025 12:29

My DS has 15 pairs of football boots, in varying sizes. All only worn at most a dozen times, all look almost new. Is it really gross to pass them on to second hand?

FindusMakesPancakes · 20/01/2025 12:29

Round here it is entirely normal to pass outgrown football/rugby boots on. The kids trade them at school as well.

Most of the time, they have barely been worn, let alone remotely worn out.

Edit to add: I have never paid or asked for money for secondhand boots, but only because I can afford not to, and as most of them are being handed on, I am also being given a pair by someone else. It is all a bit circle of life. Would happily pay for secondhand if it fitted with the local 'system'.

shoofly · 20/01/2025 12:30

Personally I wouldn't be a fan of used shoes/ boots but when DS2 tried out rugby they had a box of boots so that kids could see if they liked it first.

But if he's only training once a week surely a decent pair from Decathlon isn't too expensive?

SuperMaybe · 20/01/2025 12:30

Id buy second hand sports shoes for my kids but would buy new for everyday shoes.
Lots of second hand stuff is in amazing condition.

CurlewKate · 20/01/2025 12:31

I used to give my children the option-an excellent condition second hand expensive pair or a new pair of cheaper ones. Or the expensive ones as a birthday or Christmas present. This applied to most sports equipment.

Pamelaaaaarrr · 20/01/2025 12:32

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/01/2025 12:29

My DS has 15 pairs of football boots, in varying sizes. All only worn at most a dozen times, all look almost new. Is it really gross to pass them on to second hand?

Nope - anyone who is in the kid/teenage football bubble knows it's completely normal!

ObsidianTree · 20/01/2025 12:36

How much is a pair brand new? How much did you pay for the second hand ones? Were these his only present? If you paid under £30 and that was his only gift, then I'd be annoyed too.

Penguinfeet24 · 20/01/2025 12:38

I'm sorry, I'd never buy used sports boots, especially not for a birthday. If you couldn't afford them then I would have just said no to that particular gift or given him what I could afford in cash and let him pool his birthday money for them.

CleftChin · 20/01/2025 12:39

No problem with second hand rugby boots, but it's a rubbish present. (and I speak as someone who's happy with second hand presents, and has both given and received them when it's something that otherwise would have been too expensive)

New boots for a present, or second hand rugby boots because he needs them, and something else for the present.

Paisleyandpolkadots · 20/01/2025 12:39

He'll be wearing socks after all and charging about in the mud. The ex sounds quite odd. Now some sports equipment is critical. I'd never consider a secondhand helmet - you can't know whether somebody came off a horse and hit hard with it. But lightly worn rugby boots wouldn't get me concerned.

mumonthehill · 20/01/2025 12:40

I agree that passing down used rugby/football boots through clubs is totally normal. However I do think if it is a birthday present then new would have been nice. In my ds sport they also pass on kit etc as well second hand.

TammyJones · 20/01/2025 12:40

Pamelaaaaarrr · 20/01/2025 12:25

Despite the previous posters, it's actually really usual for people to have secondhand football boots - especially with growing children who don't get much use out of them. (Husband has been a coach for 10 years, we see a lot of children and a lot of boots). They are expensive. My SS would rather have an expensive secondhand pair rather than a cheap pair from Sports Direct. There's a big market in secondhand football boots. If the ex wants brand new shoes, she's welcome to procure these for herself.

Interesting ....makes sense though.

TangerineClementine · 20/01/2025 12:43

My DSs play football, it's perfectly normal for kids to wear second hand football boots (and I assume the same is true for rugby), maybe not for a birthday present though. So I think YABU as it's his birthday.

hattie43 · 20/01/2025 12:50

I wouldn't ever buy second hand gifts as presents . For me maybe if it was something I loved but definitely not for someone else .

DwarfPalmetto · 20/01/2025 12:50

It's none of ex's business what presents your dh gives. Saying dh doesn't love his son is just horrible and wrong. Ignore her.

You gave ss the present he asked for. If he is happy, that's all that matters.

Codlingmoths · 20/01/2025 12:54

Wolfhat · 20/01/2025 12:27

I also buy vast majority of clothes second hand. I would absolutely buy a pair of occasion heels for a one off event second hand but I would buy new for trainers/ everyday shoes.

I think particularly exercise footwear as they can stretch to fit the foot, get scuffed or stretched and are obviously quite quickly damaged. Normally I would say it depends by what you mean second hand? Ive seen basically new 'second hand' where the child tried them on once in the house and didnt get on with them or quit the sport and theyve been gathering dust.

That said, it was a present and Id feel a bit let down, particularly if it didnt have the box and wasnt shiny and new, thats part of the fun. If it was out of budget it maybe should have been a conversation. Yes but theyll be second hand or you can choose your own new ones from this selection.

Trainers / everyday boots for sure, but my son’s footy boots are usually in very good condition and his little brother wears them. I don’t think it would ne obvious at all that they are second hand He is still pretty young, at the age that he outgrows them at least every season, and if you need a new pair halfway through the season that’s only half a season each pair; you only wear the boots on grass.