Ex kicking off over present

[Woodstocks]

My step child turned 8 last week and wanted expensive branded rugby boots. My husband gifted them to him but bought a used pair. Now his ex is kicking off and spoiling the present for the son by berating the present because they aren’t brand new shoes.

Are we unreasonable for not buying a growing child brand new boots that get used once a week at practice? We ourselves also buy the majority of clothes from charity shops.

The way the request was phrased it sounded like the son asked for the boots and then got told to ask his dad for them (probably because they aren’t brand expensive!) and now she’s kicking off that he doesn’t love his son and doesn’t want good things for him because of this.

I think this is absolutely fine..I even know secondary school parents who pass down football boots to those in the younger years.

My children got a lot of second hand gifts aged 8 and younger. It is harder now they are older as what they want you can't always find in charity shops etc but I really don't think it's an issue.

Branded items are so expensive for what they are. If that's what the child really wanted, then I would have explained to them that it would be new boots only, nothing else. I think even they would have then changed their mind, as being honest, what kid just wants rugby boots for their birthday when it's only a weekly hobby and not something they are really into.

Sounds like it's the ex with the issue. Maybe next time she should buy the boots and leave dad to get something else.

Common practice where growing feet are concerned, anyone want Nike cricket shoes size 6 worn once!

Listen. I don’t give a flying fig to your opinion and I have a perfect grip on reality thank you very much. This ‘check your privilege’ nonsense on here is getting tedious.

IMO it’s grim to gift second hand boots, but hey we’re all different.

As for resorting to name calling, trot on, anyone that name calls can’t be taken seriously and I certainly won’t interact with them any further if that’s their level of intelligence.

I think the difference is in some clubs it’s normal, and a lot of the time you’d knew where they were coming from, it’s a choice people make. The OP’s DH bought second hand boots to gift and I’m sorry but if my child had been gifted second hand boots for a birthday present they wouldn’t have been going near their feet. We have horses and when my children were growing up show jackets and things were regularly bought/sold/swapped as they grew but never worn boots.

@Calochortus

I think the difference is also probably it being rugby. They're practically swimming in swamp some weeks. Most weeks they come home completely covered in mud from a public field (that dog walkers aren't supposed to use but do) so they have to be hosed down in the garden before going near a shower (or their kit going near a washing machine). You quickly get a lot less squeamish about another kid's stockinged feet having been in the boots before your kid's. 😂

I made the point about it being a wealthy area to show that people round by us aren't doing it to save money: they can afford new boots but choose not to, I assume on sustainability grounds. But if it's a choice between high quality, branded, barely worn boots, or brand new cheap ones, then my kids would pick the former every time.

It's very common in the horse riding world to buy and sell second hand clothes and equipment. Makes sense when products are so expensive and barely used children's items.

You bought him second hand boots for his birthday and you wonder why this was upsetting?

So much privilege here. My kids have second hand birthday and Xmas gifts especially if it's an item we couldn't afford new. I have second hand clothes and shoes, the kids have had second hand clothes and shoes, we have second hand furniture, electrical equipment. Most of it is better quality than cheap brand new items and certainly nothing to be upset about unless you're a money grabber.

I think this was poor judgement. Many people are 'funny' about used shoes. I buy a lot of 2nd hand but it wouldn't occur to me buy used shoes as a birthday gift. This is just odd. If the new pair were beyond budget, I would have simply opted for a different gift.

Think you have just handled this badly.

Second hand stuff is great, and for a gift (people can receive gifts outside of birthdays) then fine - I buy second hand shoes for my kids from Vinted, no way I'm paying £30 quid new for something they grow out of.

However for birthday it should be new, the kid didn't want other stuff, he wanted boots. You should have just bought the boots, you don't need to explain anything to an 8 year old. Also you probably could have paid via Klarna etc. If they were practically new how did anyone find out they weren't?

Finally the ex, why are they not buying the boots if they wanted them new?

Whole year from
one birthday to the next to put a little by for presents.

My son has also had about 10 pairs of studs and Astro barely used over covid and I cleaned them within an inch of their lives and gave the the charity shop, most appeared new and hope someone with kids and maybe struggling would make use of them.

I don’t think your unreasonable for not wanting to purchase high end rugby boots for an 8YO but I think it’s a bit naff to buy second hand ones from a charity shop and then wrap them up for his birthday!

You are absolutely not unreasonable, the ex is. Of course it's sensible to buy a used pair for a fraction of the price, when the child is going to be using them once a week and will likely grow out of them by the end of the season. Also better for the environment.
To all of those people saying "used shoes are gross" - he'll be wearing them with socks, to run around a muddy field, not eat his lunch out of them. A brand new pair would probably look exactly the same after one use.

It's just common sense. My kids do speedskating, and their club actually rents out skates and skinsuits (the cut-proof suits skaters wear) for the season. It would be prohibitively expensive to buy new every year because the kids have outgrown their gear.

Yeah i've always heard shoes is something you should never wear second hand as it can damage your feet. Especially as they are a birthday present they should be new. Who wants secondhand things as a present?

I think there's two distinct AIBUs here though. Was your dh unreasonable to buy second hand rugby boots? Categorically not. I bought my son some Canterbury boots second hand myself fairly regularly and a bit of dettol spray and the job was good. Was he unreasonable to give something second hand (unless an antique or similar) and especially footwear as a birthday present? Abso bloody lutely. Nothing to do with privilege, most people just intrinsically know what's good form. My ds rides, but at age 14 he's 6ft tall and in a men's size medium. None of the horsey brands do stable wear for men so I scour the charity shops for stuff for he can wear to get covered in poo and grass and he's got a wardrobe full of Crew, Superdry and Hackett to trash while mucking out or practising. It would never enter my head to wrap any of it up for a present. I actually bought him riding boots as part of his birthday present this year and they were new. Tbf, the market in men's second hand size 10 riding boots is quite small anyway 😄 but it would never enter my head to buy second hand boots as a gift. Nothing to do with grimness, being privileged or working overtime (I'm salaried so I could work 24/7 and wouldnt earn any more!) Everything to do with knowing how to behave in certain situations.

Agree with the present thing, but wearing barely worn 2nd hand boots for a couple of hours (if that) once or twice a week will not damage feet.

I wouldn’t have a problem buying second hand sports kit if I couldn’t afford new. Personally I wouldn’t want to wear someone’s smelly old shoes and wouldn’t expect my kid to. I work hard so they can have these things. I’d say mum probably couldn’t afford them so said why don’t you ask for them as a birthday present. To then get sent second hand ones I’d be fuming too! It’s like oh you’re just the step child these will do. Very sad. Sell them on and buy him the pair he wants from the sports shop!

I bought my dc second hand football boots, astro trainers, running shoes, trainers and they never complained. Also secondhand cadet boots. They need so many different types of shoes I'd be bankrupt if I only bought new. Ds went to a public school and they had a shop where you could get any used shoes for £5.

No some children with none will be very grateful! I just wouldn’t expect someone to give them as a main birthday present

The football boots that an 8 year old has worn a few times before growing out of the them (ie. hours in total), will not be old and smelly.

My sons have worn and passed down many, many pairs of second hand boots. It's wasteful.
Young children (we're talking about 8 year old here) could do well to learn that while their parents work hard to provide what they need, it is not good sense to spend upwards of £50 on a pair of boots that will be worn a few times, when there are perfectly decent secondhand ones available.
Lots of kids play on all weather pitches so they don't even get muddy.

I agree about buying new for a present though.

@CleftChin I would draw the line at secondhand gum shields - though I think that the situation described by your ds also happened at dd's school. Ds had his gumshield made especially for him at some expense and he certainly didn't pass it around!

I think the fact it was a gift for a birthday is the issue. You don't buy people second hand presents. I would have given dc the choice of here is x amount towards new boots or there are these second hand (hope they were decent condition btw) that Iv seen online. Which would you prefer.
Also depends on income of the family and how much is usually spent on gifts

More people should give 2nd hand presents. Would prevent a lot of waste.