Ex kicking off over present

[Woodstocks]

My step child turned 8 last week and wanted expensive branded rugby boots. My husband gifted them to him but bought a used pair. Now his ex is kicking off and spoiling the present for the son by berating the present because they aren’t brand new shoes.

Are we unreasonable for not buying a growing child brand new boots that get used once a week at practice? We ourselves also buy the majority of clothes from charity shops.

The way the request was phrased it sounded like the son asked for the boots and then got told to ask his dad for them (probably because they aren’t brand expensive!) and now she’s kicking off that he doesn’t love his son and doesn’t want good things for him because of this.

I live in a very naice area, million pound plus houses, most kids in private schools, fancy cars and holidays, designer handbags etc and our local football and rugby clubs all have boot banks where you swap outgrown sports shoes for the next size up. Everyone does it. My kids are currently wearing at least third hand boots and they're completely fine. We can absolutely afford new but for something that's worn for, at most, a hour twice a week for six months or so it would be incredibly wasteful to buy brand new each time.

Depends on your definition of 'used', age of the child, level of play in rugby and what your budget is.

I buy DS second hand rugby/football boots but they usually still come with the box, no marks or signs of wear and mainly only worn a handful of times (you can tell from the inside sole if they were well worn or barely worn)

Younger children grow out of sizes quicker (I think we got 4ish months out of one size of rugby boots) than older children. Same for if its just one day a week or multiply days they are being use. My DS only has rugby one day a week - one week is a match week the next is training.

I can not afford to buy my DS new boots for rugby and football every time they outgrow the last ones. Itrs expensive and there is a massive market for second hand rugby/football boots, esp the branded ones.

I gift my children second hand gifts all the time esp as they are both under 8 years old. 99% of the time you can not tell they are second hand items and they really don't care. They see me purchasing things (rarely albeit) for myself second hand (vinted/ebay/charity shops) so it's not something they see as 'low' as some PP have said. My children are grateful they have the items they want (branded boots) than something they don't like (sports shop generic version)

If they're popular/coveted brands I suggest you get yourself to Vinted!

Was the child pleased with them until the ex started grumbling about them?

I don't care if anyone does it it's is grime. You saying even wealthy people do it like it makes it any less gross, it is still gross

Our club have a boot library, they take boots in good condition and give out to other kids.

Boots are expensive and sometimes the kids might only get 2 months out of them

I once bought a pair of size five football boots from a teenager in one of my classes who had grown out of them. For a birthday gift though I think nicer to get new if you can.

So many folk on here with more money than sense!

If ex isn't happy she can always buy new ones herself. No? Didn't think so.

My dad used to give me and my brother secondhand things as gifts. Often things that were his own stuff he didn't want anymore.

When I did the same to him and his wife and gifted them things they could tell has been used he went ballistic and called me rude and selfish and asked where I was spending the pocket money I'd get all year. (Pocket money my mother gave me I'll add because he did everything he could to not pay child support)

I wouldn't gift anyone secondhand footwear unless I knew they were comfortable with that. My own father would tell me something was as good as new when it very very clearly wasn't and he would fit right in in vinted now if he were alive, describing his used trainers as "good as new" when they're obviously quite frequently used and have scuffs and wear and tear and his foot shape embossed inside 🤮

I think a lot of people would be upset at a close family member buying charity shop clothes and shoes as gifts and I think it's one those things where it's best to know if they person you're expecting to wear them, actually feels comfortable doing so and with children, that they won't be bullied. If his father can't afford new expensive ones then it's ok to say no. Or offer to go halves with his other parent for new ones.

To answer a few questions, child turned 8 and plays once a week at hobby level. He is enjoying it but is not very advanced and most likely won’t pursue this professionally. But it’s good to get kids active and involved in sports even if they are at a lower level.

He also got other presents and the boots looked like new- in fact I thought they were and only noticed they weren’t when it all kicked off.

My husband wont be taking a second job just to buy stuff for an eight year old that is a want and not a need at the end of the day.

I guess we could have spoken to him and said that if we are buying new and high brand boots then there won’t be any other presents at all as it exhausts the budget but then there would be long faces when there’s nothing on the day to unwrap apart from a pair of boots which will get worn once a week and outgrown very soon.

In your opinion. Which you are, of course, entitled to. But other people are entitled to different opinions; your word on the subject is not law, although you seem to think it is.

Shoes mold to your footshape as you wear them. It's not great to wear second hand shoes and especially not sports shoes where you need the support to avoid injury. I wouldn't put my son in second hand shoes at all

There seems to be a disproportionate number of people in here who claim to buy all their clothes from charity shops. Is it really true that they do that? Is it virtue signalling? Is it trying to get other posters on board and to illustrate how frugal they are? It’s odd. I don’t know many people who buy much other than the odd random thing from a charity shop. I’ve never heard anyone exclusively buying their clothes from there.

Why do you have say what your husband spends on his child?

I’m absolutely sick and tired of hearing “check your privilege” trotted out on here. Some people can afford things and others can’t. It’s that simple.

OP it was a terrible idea to give second hand boots for a birthday present, that’s just grim.

in my childs football club, all the boots are re-used, they are washed, antibacterial sprayed etc - makes total sense as some of these boots cost £50 each and the kids grow out of them so quickly, my child has 3 pairs and apart from one (a gift) the other two are used....

Personally, unless money is hugely tight, I wouldn'tbuy second hand boots as a present, but I'd have no problem with second hand, barely worn, boots as a way to get boots when needed and as others have pointed out, it's pretty common to have lightly worn boots move around between players.

Similarly, for sports activities I will pay for the appropriate footware, but the basic level versions. If DC want fancy branded stuff, that is usually purchased with christmas/birthday money - I'll kick in the amount I'd pay for "regular every day" ones, and they put in the difference. DS just bought £120 basketball shoes under this approach and we're both happy with the result. I'm certainly not buying him £120 shoes... and he's playing basketball 4 times a week and at a dcent level.

I wouldn't buy second hand boots for a birthday present. Unless money is very tight I think it is unreasonable.

8 year olds playing sport for a short amount of time do not make their footwear sweaty or gross.

I have raised 2 football and rugby playing children, handing down barely worn boots was very common, encouraged and welcomed, not just for the cost saving but the waste. During the winter when matches are often cancelled boots might only get a few wears before they're outgrown.

Both of my children played football and most of the boots could be washed in a normal washing machine.

Re-using second hand (often barely worn for all the mentioned reasons) boots is far less gross or a problem than so many other aspects of PE. And whilst yes, support and conforming to your feet is a thing, if they've only been worn a few times, over thick rugby socks, they haven't had the chance to wear in for a perons's feet really anyway. It's not like running shoes or hiking boots.

If you want grim and disgusting, I just had to replace my son's gumshield because one of his friends bundled into the changing room saying he'd forgotton his, and just grabbed my son's and shoved it in his mouth! DS says that some other kids do that, then (best case) rinse them off and give them back!!! We both thought that was well over the line and so I bought him a new one with strict orders to keep it in his pocket!

We buy second hand sports shoes for all of us and they're never sweaty or dirty! Most of them you can barely tell they've been worn! But we do deliberately search for pairs that are in great condition or "like new"...

I agree if you can afford brand new then great, but if you can't, then there is a huge second hand market out there for this kind of thing. Just have a look on Depop or eBay....