Did I raise shallow kids?!!

[rubberduck68]

My ex-husband is rich, and I’m not: I bailed with little money and a small home for me and our kids that I paid for, grateful to get out of the toxic relationship. He has a massive mansion house four hours away (he moved) and two holiday homes abroad, and a live-in GF twenty years younger than him. We have shared custody amicably for ten years, but our adult kids have recently both moved in with him and have said they will be staying there until he buys them their own homes nearby. I was not consulted about this, not even a polite heads-up. On the rare occasion that I talk to either of them (both early twenties), all they do is talk about their privileged lifestyle and the family unit they are creating as a foursome. I feel jealous and excluded, but also a bit annoyed with my kids that they are being quite shallow in following his cheque book. He's emotionally challenged and not very loving or affectionate, and they know that. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset?

Maybe they know it, but just being practical? It's expensive to live on your own these days...

Are they working, and where he lives more convenient for their jobs?

It's very expensive to rent pretty much anywhere at the moment, so makes sense to stay living with parents for as long as possible.

Why is it rare for you to talk to them? How often do you go and see them? Invite them out for dinner etc

It must feel awful. But they are materialistic because the world us and they are strip mining him for his assets. Try not to take it personally. Tey to keep a relationship with them. Once they have their houses and are launched on theur careers hopefully they will feel safe ketting you back in their lives. Don’t give up and leave him their only choice as parent.

That does sound very hurtful, but I think all you can do is keep communications open, show an interest in their lives, meet up with them, even if you have to travel to see them, remind them that you're a family too.

Don't blame yourself that they're adopting their father's values for now. He's probably being very welcoming to them , so they're not seeing the dick of a man you knew. He won't be able to keep it up forever though, he'll start to try to control them.

It is very hurtful, but having it out with them will probably push them further away.

Keep up the communication - don't let your understandable jealousy be a wedge between you. Your ex can offer them material things but you can offer emotional support, interest in their lives and buckets of love. Those things are priceless so keep remembering that.

They both got jobs up there after moving. I contact them regularly, at least weekly and seldom get replies. If I am talking or FaceTiming with one or both of them and their Dad or GF comes into the room, they hang up or pause me. I have offered to go up there, e.g. for one of their birthdays and I was told it would be awkward. They don't want me around, and I get that they are compartmentalising but I am trying to keep the bond going but it's hard.

JFC, its not jealousy!

Could you go up for a weekend, stay in a travellodge and then meet them and go out for dinner?

It doesn't sound like they are shallow but more that they don't know how to navigate the relationship with their mother whilst living in their father's home

I've suggested that a couple of times (I'd have to stay in a hotel because of the distance) and I just get told "No" with different excuses. I feel that just turning up would be kind of weird. FYI ex was invited to birthday and milestone celebrations for kids growing up, whilst they lived with me, no matter how awkward that was, but it's tumble weed in this direction now that they live with him; I'm excluded from all events.

This is the world we live in.

They are doing what is practically best for them.

Try to separate this from your relationship with them/love.

Be happy for them that they now have an easier life with more opportunities. Encourage them to make the most of their privileges.

Carve out an adult/adult relationship with them that independent of their choice of residence.

Maybe just go up and say I'm here, let's do coffee. Make it almost impossible for them to not see you.

It does sound like they are distancing for some reason

I am assuming you went through a divorce (you say ex-husband).
How come you ended up with so little?

So they moved in with their father w/o even letting you know?
If there is no back story (breakdown in your relationship with them for some reason) then yes, they sound shallow. But if you've had shared custody then your ex raised them as well.

I’m always wary of these posts .. my kids don’t talk to me I don’t see them often. I always think you must know the reason why your kids are so distant. They suddenly move out of home into their dad? I just think there is a backstory to this we haven’t heard.

YANBU to be upset at their attitude, but you can't force a relationship. They may have been coerced into distancing from you in return for material wealth, but they could have spoken to you and explained the situation.

He is a very competitive and bullying man so I did not want to go to court with him, because he could afford a lengthy legal battle and I could not. I paid my way with my own career, and he paid some child support until the kids hit 18. "Shared custody" looked like me saying, "you can see them when you like" and him only bothering a handful of times a year. There is no back story between me and my kids, we've always got on very well. He triangulated the kids against me in the marriage, was always calling me names and putting me down infront of them, which was one of the reasons I left, so I have no doubt that he's doing that now. I take the high road and say only nice things about him to them. But really my patience is pretty thin right now.

YANBU. It would break my heart. All you can do is stay in contact as much as possible. Show keen interest in their lives - their work, their relationships, their wellbeing. Let them know that in your view, material wealth is not the only important thing in the world. It is important and you are glad for them if their father is generous and pays for homes to set them up in adult life. But their emotional wellbeing is equally important and you will always be around to discuss life decisions or issues, to celebrate good times and support them during tough times, whenever they want.

I think I would put my foot down about celebrating birthdays and any milestones like graduation etc with them. Even if it is not on the day itself, I'd book a night in a hotel or B&B and meet them to take them out for dinner. Give them very thoughtful presents, even if you can't afford to spend a lot, choose things that show you pay attention to what they enjoy. Make sure his wealth doesn't eclipse your central presence in their lives.

Exactly what I was about to say. And if not, your kids are awful.

Nope. I've always had a lovely open relationship with my children.

Sounds like they're early 20s? Their brains haven't fully developed yet. Be consistent, book a hotel and go for dinner, they'll grow up and realise eventually.

So much respect for you for doing what you did. its crap what is happening with your children. theyre young and are looking out for themselves at the moment. they may not be gifted a home if they had too much contact with you, which is horrible, but at the moment all you need to do is reach out and ensure they know you love them. when they are older and wiser they may have regrets and will hopefully reach out more.

He may be running you down and tainting their view of you. Ensure you are confident and secure in the alternative message. Say to them - I never criticise your father because I think it's unfair to load onto you any reasons we split up. That way when he criticises you, they will have your more mature attitude in the back of their minds.

And let them know that materialism is not the only valuable way to live. It is one choice, but not yours. You chose to live a simpler life, putting values such as love and security, tranquillity and wellbeing above new cars and kitchens.

I think it is quite common for young adults to break away from their key parent in their early twenties, but they return. DS1 was pretty offhand with us for about three years then suddenly beca,e very appreciative and loving. The important thing is not to respond to their dismissiveness, but to stick to your own values: you value showing them you are a constant loving presence in their life, whether they take you up on the offer or not. Don't let his impact on them reduce your offers of affection and attention and time.

If they were my children I would be completely honest about how their lack of communication is making you feel. They are adults now. Young adults are sometimes thoughtless but it doesn't mean it can't be talked about. It's not so much that they live with their dad and he has lots of things that you can't give them, but the fact that they aren't prepared to have proper, regular conversations or meet you. And they should be prepared to do that, unless there is something else going on you have every right to expect them to be more respectful.

i mean... their dad is mega rich. they live in a mansion with him and probably get anything they want/need. does there need to be a back story here?

They'll be back when the houses don't materialise. He won't buy then shit. I can guarantee it. It's a hook to hold over their heads as a way to punish you. I wouldn't worry. Just be consistent. Tell them your door is always open and you're there no matter what and then let them find out the hard way what a dick he is. That's on them, they're adults.