Did I raise shallow kids?!!

[rubberduck68]

My ex-husband is rich, and I’m not: I bailed with little money and a small home for me and our kids that I paid for, grateful to get out of the toxic relationship. He has a massive mansion house four hours away (he moved) and two holiday homes abroad, and a live-in GF twenty years younger than him. We have shared custody amicably for ten years, but our adult kids have recently both moved in with him and have said they will be staying there until he buys them their own homes nearby. I was not consulted about this, not even a polite heads-up. On the rare occasion that I talk to either of them (both early twenties), all they do is talk about their privileged lifestyle and the family unit they are creating as a foursome. I feel jealous and excluded, but also a bit annoyed with my kids that they are being quite shallow in following his cheque book. He's emotionally challenged and not very loving or affectionate, and they know that. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset?

We live in a capitalist society. Money is everything. I don't even mean that sarcastically. Money provides security, opportunity, health, comfort etc etc. We idolise the rich and vilify the poor. It is not that they are shallow but that they see this. They have eyes and brains.

Did you always have a good relationship with the kids growing up?

Were they happy children? Have there been arguments or big fall outs?

It's weird that they're not replying to you at all.

I see. I thought when you said "We have shared custody amicably for ten years" it meant that you'd had a reasonable co-parenting relationship.
Do you think they might be resentful that they could have had a more financially comfortable upbringing?
I think you could have found a solicitor who would agree for their legal costs to be paid after divorce ie after the financial settlement, which would surely have resulted in a more equal share of the marital assets.
I guess the kids are benefitting from that now, though why they have cut contact with you I can't imagine.

I mean, YANBU to "feel upset", but that question, at the end of your OP is very different from the question in your title thread.

YABU to think your dc are 'shallow'.
You said they have jobs near where he lives. They'd be unusual to not appreciate being put up in luxury rather than having to scrabble around to find a house share.

On the rare occasion that I talk to either of them (both early twenties)

I think the fact you don't speak to them often, is a completely different issue.

I have 3 x adult dc, and speak to all of them very often. Usually on WhatsApp rather than F2F. All of them have lived some hours apart from me for some of their lives and one still does, but there's not reason we can't have a bit of a chat - or even share a joke / meme / picture of the dog - on one of several different WhatsApp chats we are in.

You can't blame your ex for the fact you, as a family, haven't developed that natural chat.

OP says she feels jealous and excluded so why wouldn't you believe her about how she feels?

We did have that "natural chat" until they recently moved in full-time with him.

I was very reasonable with my offer of co-parenting arrangements, but he didn't take me up on it. Re. solicitors it is usual for each party to pay their own legal fees. He is from a very rich family and had already moved a lot of money out of my reach. I was advised it would have taken years and three full hearings, during which I'd probably have lost my share of the equity – and the chance to put a deposit on my own home – in paying those legal fees. I chose independence and I've never regretted it.

Does he have to consult with you over buying your adult children homes or them moving in? They are adults and you no longer have any reason to speak to him – isn't it their job to tell you?

I can't blame them for accepting accommodation and homes bought for them? Who wouldn't? I would in a heartbeat. I'm not sure why wanting to live comfortable is shallow. You say they both have jobs, so it's not as if they are absolving themselves of the responsibility to work.

If you feel like your relationship with them is floundering then that's really upsetting, and I can understand that. Do you think they are getting a negative, judgemental and disapproving attitude off of you? That's only going to push them away if so.

They are all adults, no consulting required, but secrecy is not cool either. I didn't find out until they'd moved in with him! I don't know how your family works, but big life events like moves are always chatted about for us. I hope I haven't been disapproving to them, I've tried not to be but maybe it's sort of seeped out!

If they don’t want to meet in the area where they live with their dad, how about proposing a trip somewhere else? You need to keep trying and eventually find a new way to meet up with them on a regular basis.

I would bet they will be back with bells on as and when they have children - rich Dads with young GFs are not known for providing practical support and/or childcare.

I would expect them to tell you, as their mum, but not him – it was unclear who you thought should be doing the consulting with you (or just telling you, as it's not really a 'consult' conversation).

I can only imagine they didn't tell you because you would give them a hard time about it. That may not be true, but that's usually the reason.

That is a very good idea. Somewhere neutral for us all perhaps, maybe a weekend away over Easter or something like that? Thank you

I think it's more likely they are seeking a closer relationship with their father after living with you for most of their lives plus on a practical level they have a nicer house than if they rented. They probably have a slightly Idealised view of him too. (Which will adjust as they live there a bit longer).

Over time I think their relationship with you will rebalance back to one that feels fairer.

Your feelings are 💯 understandable. I'm not there yet but I can see how hard it can be for adult children to forge their own path and the difficulty memories with your former husband make that worse.

It must be common for children in their 20s to be a bit dismissive and lack understanding of what their parents did for them.

I think keep contact light and regular and it will come right over time.

Are you not pleased for them ...
A help on to the housing ladder for my kids would be a weight of my mind
And you have your freedom if they are living with him .
Seems like a win win all round to me

Ive lived on my own for years and i find it cheaper.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I suspect their fathers largess is dependent on them all but cutting you off.
They are shallow, its v hard not to raise one like that in todays world. They are hedging their bets on the wealthier parent. They will come back to you, but probably not until they have milked their farther for all he's worth

They were both carving their own way with flat/house shares and jobs. I was proud of them for being independent and for the life skills I had taught them, now they have regressed back to a rent-free house, meals cooked for them (the GF treats them like little kids) and I feel having put so much effort into making them independent they've just given up. That might sound harsh, but I had no leg up from my parents, and I turned out just fine, which includes having my own career and house. I hear what you are all saying about how great it is for them, but it's the easy option and not a solid reflection of how life is for most people.

Do you think that perhaps you might be coming across as a bit judgey to them? And that you disapprove of their life choices?

They are working, there's nothing wrong with parents helping their children out.

Nothing wrong with wanting better or more for yourself, OP.
I wouldn't say it's shallow, as long as one can use the bit of jealousy to kick start their own arse.
👍

It's probably not helpful to think of it in terms of regression. They're being pretty smart! And maybe they're trying to protect you by not continuing the call with you when their father is there.

Have you told them that you would like to see them more often/that you miss them? But be happy for them that they are having it easy just now, still equipped with the skills you've taught them when they need them?

Have faith that ultimately you have instilled the right things in them and they know that you love them. I think at that age, most people would enjoy living in a mansion house and being spoiled. Let their dad buy them property, this will help them out so much in the future. I would probably just ask them if they'd come on holiday with me somewhere or drive up to meet them halfway. If he and his girlfriend are placing 'conditions' on the financial agreements, your children will see through it in time. Hang in there.

How horrible for you but they are early 20s which means there's so hope. Early20s tend to be the most self absorbed time. Keep the contact open and hope that it chances when they mature.

This probably boils down to me and my ex coming from completely different worlds – his privileged and wealthy, mine not. I've tried to raise the kids ( and I had to do it on my own because he wasn't that interested) to stand on their own two feet without the trust funds, but I guess it was always going to be an uphill battle.

But they are working. They are not sitting around on their arses. And you know that they can live independently, and do practical things.

If you want to keep a relationship with them then maybe think about how you are coming across to them. Just being super upbeat and positive