Did I raise shallow kids?!!

[rubberduck68]

My ex-husband is rich, and I’m not: I bailed with little money and a small home for me and our kids that I paid for, grateful to get out of the toxic relationship. He has a massive mansion house four hours away (he moved) and two holiday homes abroad, and a live-in GF twenty years younger than him. We have shared custody amicably for ten years, but our adult kids have recently both moved in with him and have said they will be staying there until he buys them their own homes nearby. I was not consulted about this, not even a polite heads-up. On the rare occasion that I talk to either of them (both early twenties), all they do is talk about their privileged lifestyle and the family unit they are creating as a foursome. I feel jealous and excluded, but also a bit annoyed with my kids that they are being quite shallow in following his cheque book. He's emotionally challenged and not very loving or affectionate, and they know that. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset?

It's probably the case that they don't want to bite the hand that feeds them. My mother couldn't afford to keep the family home once we became adults and she had to buy my dad out, so I lived with a wealthy relative who happened to be NC with my DM. They would throw thier toys out of the pram if they caught me on the phone to my DM or if they knew I was meeting up with DM. Until I was able to move out I did lose contact with my DM somewhat, but the alternative would have been a dingy bedsit in a rough bit of town or stuck in a far too small house with my DM and feeling like a burden.

I am very close with my DM now, she was hurt at the time but understood I had to do what I did to have a decent standard of living.

Being honest with yourself, if you were in thier position, living in today's world, which parent would you pick?

Money can't buy love, but it can buy a new house. I'm with team kids on this.

This is probably why they didn't tell you. You don't get any medals for being independant. If a more comfortable lifestyle is available to them, why should they be made to feel bad or like they are 'regressing' for accepting it.

Neither! I would not have picked either of my parents to live with past the age of 18... I left home with flames at my heels and never looked back!

Yeah let's see how that works out when my ex husband marries the GF and leaves everything to her, I hope the kids have some life skills to fall back on then!

Cold hard cash is more important to them than a relationship with you. The don't want to bite the hand that feeds them.

Independent living was much more affordable when you left home but bully for you anyway.

You sound like you have written them off even though they are only in thier early 20s. A year or so with dad isn't going to turn them into failures.

ETA and how long into your independence did you meet and marry a rich man?

Did it bother them when they were younger and he didn't make much effort to see them frequently? Maybe more than they let on? Possibly on some level they are now trying to make up for what they missed out on back then, and have proof of his love and wish to look after them, meanwhile they are secure of you.

I have not written off my kids. I am just surprised by their recent choices, geographically and communication wise. You are right though, it was more affordable when I was their age, it's insane now. Some of the comments on this thread are adding clarity to that, which I am taking on board.

20s is a selfish age. They’ll come around again. Just keep communication open. Are they sons or daughters?

Have you told them that you miss them and want to spend a some time with them.
Can you suggest popping up to the nearest city for the day and grabbing lunch together.

BTW are the boys or girls?

Instead of resenting them why not be happy for them? You come across as quite bitter … and have every right to be! But it’s hard to stay in touch with a parent who is criticising you for having a nice life, living in a fab house etc … far more enjoyable (and likely to improve your relationship) to celebrate their good fortune and start being positive about their decision

How old are they, exactly ? It's not unusual for boys to be very very self centred at this age. Very hurtful. But keep going. Always texting at least.

I agree with other posters, I'd say I know you are having a great time and I'm so happy, but I miss seeing you, so I'm going to come stay at the hotel, and I'd like to have dinner with you at least. Let's book a date now. And not take no for an answer. Force the issue. And text and remind them many times, 2 weeks before, a week before, a couple of days before : 'looking forward to dinner on Friday'. That kind of thing.

Again, have not written off my own kids. I was established in my own well paid career with my own home when I married.

I agree with pink roses: I'd play dumb and ask if everything was ok, if I'd done anything to hack them off, because I find their lack of thought and respect and correspondence extremely hurtful.

There is a back story. We have heard it. The plot involves a wealthy lifestyle, deep pockets and the willingness to drop hundreds of thousands on free houses. I don't think we need go looking for the secret twist to explain the motivations here.

I see a lot of parents putting themselves down for things which i honestly think are more to do with much wider social influences, eg their children’s peer group. Your kids are still quite young adults. If their workmates are all about posh clothes and holidays and big nights out (common at that age) it’s going to be a while before they stop wanting to compete and think about the values that are really important to them.

Possibly they feel a bit conflicted about this already and that is leading to awkwardness with you?

Try to grit your teeth, not take it too hard and see these years through. They're singing for their supper as their poxy dad has said he'll buy them a house in exchange for barging in on conversations and this weird cult they've created. Whatever. He'll either buy the house and they'll become more available and independent or it'll never materialise and they'll realise he's messing about and not want to live with their father all their adult lives. Hang on there. You married a weirdo. He's being weird. Just keep in touch. It'll settle eventually.

If your dc didn't have much contact with their dad then they might be a bit enthralled by getting to know him better as an adult. He and his gf are pulling out all the stops to make life 'wonderful' for them, at the moment. It's not surprising their heads have been turned.

It all seems part of you exh's need to control and dominate.

It is likely that when they were discussing moving to exh's he told them not to tell you 'you know you're mum, she'll get upset and put a spanner in the works / prevent you from leaving' or something similar. There's nothing you can do against that kind of gaslighting.

The skills of independence and resilience that you have given your dc will not be lost, and in time, when the fairy-tale life falls apart (as it surely will) they will fall back on those essential life skills.

In the meantime, you have to carry on being your usual, reasonable, loving self. Against the backdrop of their newly glamorous life your dc need to be assured of familiarity and stability in another corner of their world (even if they don't realise that).

I say this because I've been there with my adult dc. Disney dad who creates fantastic opportunites for them but (as he always did) lets them down when he doesn't get his own way or when something better comes along.

He’s manipulating them using his money and at that age they are pretty selfish anyway.

It may end in tears eventually when they realise for themselves what he is really like.

Sorry OP. Keep in touch but don’t force the issue.

You seem to be wearing 'poverty' or 'a difficult start' like a badge of honour.

The way you have raised your dc is still a huge part of them, but there is no point in them turning down a 'leg up' when offered.

Potentially, they might even be thinking "well, he did nothing for us, or Mum when we were kids, might as well take it from him now", even if it is sub consciously.

I can't understand the thinking of "I raised them, so they shouldn't want to take anything from their Dad" at all.

I know exactly what you're going through! ExH isn't rich but has far more disposable income than myself and a wife who earns more than him.

My adult DC moved in with him as they were taken out every weekend for meals, holidays regularly (ex owns caravan in a beauty spot). He gives both kids large sums of cash regularly as well as deposits for cars/flats etc.

They remember he was abusive towards me and the youngest often commented how he wasn't too nice to her as a teenager. But they're there for the £££.

I regularly message but get no reply for days or even weeks. They're quick to message when it's a birthday or Christmas coming up, or need a favour (no doubt they've asked their father or step mum first though!).

It's shit and there's nothing I can do about it!

OP did all the work while they were growing up and their dad couldn't be bothered to see them. Now they are living with their dad and hardly have any contact with their mum, despite her efforts. She can be pleased about them getting on the housing ladder and upset that their relationship is no longer close.

Yeah, they sound horrible and grabby.

I think it’s in the title. You keep insisting to other posters that you aren’t judging your kids; but you felt proud of them when they were being independent, and now they are living with their dad, you are conflating their lifestyle choices with them being “shallow”. If you take a breath and are honest with yourself, do you actually feel less proud of them at the moment because of this choice? Or is there part of you that feels like you raised them with the values you personally approve of, but they’ve cast that aside and that’s both hurtful and disappointing? People are quick to sense how you feel about them even if it’s unspoken, and not many people hold their hands up to spend time with someone who makes them feel uncomfortable or judged. If you want to feel closer to your kids, you could try reflecting as much pride in them as you always have. They are still the same people, with the same skills for independence. They shouldn’t have to wear a hair shirt when it’s not needed, you could try showing some happiness for them - I’m so glad you have a chance at these opportunities, etc. Sometimes in life, we can be right or we can be happy, but if you value your close relationship with your kids, you might want to let go a little of your view on what the right way to live their lives is.