Did I raise shallow kids?!!

[rubberduck68]

My ex-husband is rich, and I’m not: I bailed with little money and a small home for me and our kids that I paid for, grateful to get out of the toxic relationship. He has a massive mansion house four hours away (he moved) and two holiday homes abroad, and a live-in GF twenty years younger than him. We have shared custody amicably for ten years, but our adult kids have recently both moved in with him and have said they will be staying there until he buys them their own homes nearby. I was not consulted about this, not even a polite heads-up. On the rare occasion that I talk to either of them (both early twenties), all they do is talk about their privileged lifestyle and the family unit they are creating as a foursome. I feel jealous and excluded, but also a bit annoyed with my kids that they are being quite shallow in following his cheque book. He's emotionally challenged and not very loving or affectionate, and they know that. Am I being unreasonable to feel upset?

The pro wealth posters who are piling on OP are missing the point - her ex has kept his money to himself until now, and is now using it to separate the kids from their Mum. And its worked.
He's pathetic, he's waited all these years to get his own back and he's using his money and their kids to do it. She's right to be upset. Its not jealousy to be upset that your kids are easily bought and lack a moral compass.

I wonder if you have given them security in your relationship with them.

But he might make them anxious he will withdraw his affection.

If they don't see that, then the insecurity can be controlling. They want to have 2 parents in their lives but more they need to work hard to keep him. Sometimes people don't see this manipulation until they are much older

Obviously they are benefiting financially from it. But it could be only a small part that is adding excitement and making it harder to see their dad is being manipulative

Your op doesn't suggest this is the case but something to consider

If he makes good on helping them each buy a property, if this is with no legal strings (eg property would be in his name or requiring his permission to sell) that’d help them a lot in life.

I think you’re U for judging your DC for choosing to live and work there or wanting money from their wealthy father.

Would say nothing until if / when it looks like purchases are going ahead. Then I’d advise the DC to think about and probably seek professional advice about the terms/conditions/tax etc, on what it means for them. If they choose not to, or to listen to their father, and are ‘locked in’ to his control, their choice.

If he doesn’t go through with it, is stringing them along, then their current living arrangement seems unlikely to last, medium term.

I’d not visit them uninvited but would invite them to you and suggest locations nearer them to get together.

You have mixed up a range of topics as though they belong together when they don't:

1. You and ex dislike each other; you have no need to communicate, so just stop engaging with him now.
2. Your young adult kids moved far away and don't talk often. Whatever has happened, you need to build up the relationship again gradually; suggest a weekend away on neutral territory. Remember also that your children are not a unit; if one says no then you should still see the other one!
3. Fretting about whether early 20s living at home are "shallow". Answer is no. I expect they really do not enjoy your judgement here, and please know that everyone knows when their mum disapproves regardless of how you put it, so own it. You'll need to make a conscious effort to put that aside to try to build a relationship again.