What do you do at weekends with secondary age children?

[Roseyposeypie]

Just that really… what do you do at weekends if all your children are secondary school age? We’ve lost our way a bit. DC1 (GCSE years) has loads of homework, has been ill a lot over the last year which has prevented days out and often wants to see friends. DC2 (just started secondary school) is tired a lot and reluctant to get out the house. I no longer have any idea what weekends are for. They just seem so dull and I feel stressed and like I’m failing all the time. We do eat together but often that’s about it. It wouldn’t matter if the DC were happy and busy with friends all the time but it’s more just permanent lethargy and it’s getting me down. What’s normal for other families?

oops, the poll was accidental but let’s say:
YABU = it’s normal for families with secondary age children not to do much together at the weekends
YANBU = at least part of the weekend should be for getting out and doing something fun together

I have just one 16 year old daughter left at home now. She is becoming more and more independent. I am useful if she needs a lift somewhere inaccessible by public transport but she tends to go out with her friends and has lots of studying to do. She is also desperate to find a Saturday job.
However, she does enjoy a weekend away with me or a meal out. I think the way to most teenagers' hearts is through their stomachs.She loves going out for something to eat with parents, older siblings, grandparents anyone really.
But ultimately it's healthy and normal for them to grow away from you. They'll likely be leaving home soon for university or whatever.

Saturday
DD gets up and does a 3hr shift in Barnados - she wanted to earn money but is too young for a proper job so I said if she got a voluntary job I'd pay her £5 an hour, meets a friend and goes to Costa or the cinema - promptly spending the money she just earnt.
Then as she's autistic comes home and decompresses.

Sunday
DD plays rugby then goes to her dad's.

I spend very little time with her now but we always eat together so catch up then or as her study buddy.

If I want to spend proper time with her I generally have to make it worth her while so a theatre trip or a meal out, or an evening at a spoken word poetry slam.

DD is 14. Music school on Saturday mornings, church on Sunday morning. We always get a takeaway on Friday night and take turns choosing. Otherwise it’s gaming and homework. I keep wondering if she’ll decide she doesn’t want to come to church with us any more, but no sign of it so far.

Friday- dd2 chilled in her room and pampered. She was tired and had an early netball match the next day.
Ds 1 and 2 went boxing and gamed
Dd1 went out with mates for food and drinks and stayed at a friends house

Saturday
Both boys did football in morning then chilled out chatting to mates and gaming online
Ds2 had a tutor session.
Dd1 still at friends back at 2 moaned about being hungover then went to work
Dd2 netball match then went to a friends for a grazing board night they all took a different themed board
Rest of us had an Indian takeaway

Sunday
Ds2 football match
Ds1 gaming and home work
Dd2 netball match
Dd1 slept til 1 (working late) and now doing uni work
Ds2 second football match
Ds2 now in the bath but then wil be doing homework

Typical weekend. We often go out all together for food, last weekend we went the Trafford centre (kids choice not ours)

At that age mine (boys) used to love visiting the shops for clothes and coffee/MacDonalds, bowling, cinema, visiting the garden centre for a milkshake, cycling and climbing.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I barely see her all weekend. She’s constantly out at her friends houses, in town, here there and everywhere. She occasionally pops in for a change of clothes and says hi then she’s off out again. She would be out every single day after school too if I let her. I’m very pleased she’s got a busy social life but it would be nice to see her once in a blue moon. Sadly the days of cute family trips out seem a distant memory.

At that age I'd have been mortified if my parents had organised things for me to do. I wanted to be out with my friends, or reading, or just chilling. Saturday evenings we spent as a family, but otherwise not much was planned.

I'm not convinced it's all that great an idea to have a lot of family time at that age - some, certainly, but we've noticed an increase in the number of of graduates starting work with us who've never really done things without their parents, and in a lot of cases they really struggle with quite basic things (not all graduates, obviously, but a significant enough proportion that several of us have noticed it). They're all fairly smart, but they don't have the same coping skills, social skills or maturity that the graduates had even 10 years ago. I've spoken to several who tell me they don't really have friends; they just hang out with their family outside work. They've never been exposed to different opinions or lifestyles and they've no idea what to do if someone disagrees with them.

Obviously some family time is important, but friends and hobbies are important too.

I love the bucket list idea and low pressure of only doing something once a month. My issue is DD13, DS16 is usually refereeing one or both days or has something on with cadets but is also happy to play a board game or come on the odd dog walk. DD is just in that phase where she doesn’t want to do anything, she doesn’t spend much of the weekend with friends and when she does she’s asked me to organise it which is annoying. They do game a fair bit with friends (particularly the ones in US where we used to live but came home 2 years ago) and they’ve started going to the gym on Sunday afternoons together. I’m just at my wits end when DD says she’s lonely or bored but then won’t engage with any of my suggestions.

we’re strict on some tech rules so at least they don’t just disappear for hours on their phones in their rooms. And in fairness they did let me drag them to London on the train yesterday just to see some friends for lunch. We usually have dinner together and I’ve instigated Sunday evenings as Durrells night so we watch that as a family before everyone showers and gets stuff ready for school and goes to bed - been temporarily replaced with Ted Lasso but at least I know we’ll have some time at the weekend hanging out even if it’s just to watch telly

Individuation time. This is when my DC work on spending non-directed time in the relative comfort of their own spaces, honing social awareness in their friendship groups, figuring themselves out and sort of curating their fledgling independent lives. I offer auxiliary services such as food prep and transport when required. DP is like you, worrying they're not making the most of their time, harrying them to be more visibly active, while I feel there is significant intrinsic value in 'down time' and small niches of autonomous decision making at a point in their lives when they really control very little.

I was just saying the same to DH this weekend. We used to have our lives dominated by DDs very intensive sport which i voided ridiculous training schedule and weekend competitions and travelling. Youngest is sporty so our weekend does still Involve some events but dd gave up her sport so we are a little adrift.

We had a chat with both kids last night and have a list of things we’d enjoy- driving range, movies to watch at home, food ideas and games nights. But homework and studying for for exams take up some time and the wider family also give us opportunities to do things suited for younger kids but as a family.

it’s nice in many ways as dd hasn’t got a social group or BF etc so she is happy to be with us and I know this won’t be forever so am enjoying our relaxed time.

Mine are adult now, but half of Saturday and half of Sunday was taken up with sports, either clubs or school. Then a bit of homework, some teenage lolling about or socialising with friends, meals, and weekend was done.

@Citygirlrurallife We also have Durrells night! Well, we got to the end over Christmas so have now started on the back catalogue of Call the Midwife. That should last us a while.

You get your life back!
Ds is gcse but never gets any homework- he's not lying either. I've emailed about it. He's a recluse, so hides all weekend.
Dd is yr8 and either at her hobby or at her mates'.

We watch TV Fri, Sat, Sun nights. They won't come anywhere with us anymore, unless it's enforced visits to family old people, because they've realised we can't actually make them. Dd is more amenable, but only if she's at a loose end.

To be fair, that means they still do more with us than I did with my parents at that age. No Internet to distract me, but my dad controlled the living room TV, so I watched it in my room. They wouldn't have wanted to watch stuff I liked at that age.

From memory took them to and from sport. Beyond that, not much. They’d catch up with friends, hang out, see a movie. We always ate together. I’m fortunate to live in a city with reliable and safe transport so after 13 or so they’d take themselves off to wherever. My son spends most of his time at home, chatting/gaming with mates online.

Homework/revising
Youth drama group
Gym/exercising
Watching tv/films
Seeing friends

We don't really go out anywhere much anymore as 1 or 2 of us generally have plans

We go for walks when the weather is better

Interesting. We have a family take away on a Friday and special meal on a Saturday.

DS2 and I sometimes watch tv together. We used to go for walks but they're not interested any more (15 and 17).

Older one has homework / revising. Golf with friends in summer.

Planning a monthly meal out this yeas as well.

I would like to do more with them but I need time to do my own thing at the weekend or I feel overwhelmed. Plus DS1 has LD so that makes it hard too.

It’s just so wholesome and reminds me of the main time at the weekend we did stuff as a family was watching whatever BBC drama was on on a Sunday evening!

I do wish mine would get out and see friends more, I blame them being able to socialise online and therefore not have to leave their houses

Same! We have implemented this too and hopefully it sticks for a while (mine are 11 and 8), Saturday nights are my favourite.

Are you sure a lot of it isn’t just the season OP? Winter can make us tired. My two are still young with boundless energy but I just want to hibernate until spring.

Sports clubs, going out with friends/each other sometimes, watching films/TV/gaming together (we have 3 close in age) plus homework and sorting out their rooms (occasionally).

We generally eat together Sat and Sunday nights, occasionally a takeaway or go out. Usually watch some TV/film on a Saturday with at least 2 of the kids.

Sometimes take them out individually, usually to the cinema.

Rarely meet up with family (aunt and cousins mainly)

Plenty of time for all 3 in their own rooms.

We rarely all go out on days out at the weekends apart from a visit to family a few hours away a couple of times a year.

DH and I take time out at weekends to meet our friends/exercise and a couple of times a year we each have a weekend away with friends. Of course there are always jobs to do every weekend too.

This seems to work for us, we still have time with the kids and if they want to go out somewhere, we'll take them, but they need a lot of downtime alone and time to spend with each other and sometimes their friends. They are all ASD so I imagine they spend more time at home at weekends than NT kids.

@Roseyposeypie I agree with the weather/season making a big difference to energy levels. I don't think you're failing at all, it's definitely normal in my world for weekends with teens to feature fewer days out and activities together as a family

Also, with teens, the little connections are really important. I've painted one DD's nails this weekend, done a bit of jewellery making with another, had a chat about holidays over a cup of tea with the eldest. None of these interactions lasted that long, but they chatted away during each one which I think is really important

Football for us. DS1 is at uni now, DS2 is 15. But for years basically weekends have been football training, matches, and also we have season tickets for our local team that we go to as a family. I’m not sure what we’d have done if we hadn’t had football, because enthusiasm for weekend trips to castles, museums etc waned around age 14 (although on holiday they’re still happy to go to these things, just not at weekends).

OP why is your DS2 always tired? Surely at age 11/12 he should have boundless energy.

Homework. Ours is just endless fucking homework. It's really starting to get me down. They're in school in Germany and they're so proud here that the school day ends at 1 and the kids can do enriching activities from then on but in practice this means there is a ton of homework and study for tests where they still need some support and that comes about 80% from me. Some weekends - maybe about half of them - they have to do about 4-5hours of study with support from me. I don't know how much longer I can go on effectively working 7 days a week, but I don't know what to do about it either.

Was this written by AI?!!

We wouldn’t be able to afford a family meal out every week. You’re in quite the privileged position there. It’s over £100 every time for us.

we have Sunday roast together instead.

my kids are now past secondary age. Dd1 is at uni so try to spend lots of times with her when she is home. We might go for breakfast/brunch some weekends. Probably once every 6 weeks or so. Go for dog walks, they’re still happy to walk around a national trust house. Dd2 and I go to the gym together. We might pop into town and do a bit of shopping or for a walk down the beach in the winter and a swim in the sea or paddle boarding in the summer. Occasionally we still do a bigger day out such as a zoo or theme park. In the summer we have a lot of BBQs and just hang out in the garden together with a few drinks and the big paddling pool.

my advice OP get s to find things you enjoy. Though we do spend a lot of time together I’m also pretty active independently. So if they can’t be bothered I’ll just go and do my own thing.