To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

Ah the family calendar...
DB is definitely the favourite in our family.
He and his wife/kid are all June birthdays. DM likes to have a calendar with a photo of the birthday person on their month, so all of them together in June, then each had a month individually, because they should have their own photo.
That got us to the month before my birthday (only October birthday in the family). Lots of lovely pictures of autumn leaves because "I got bored of birthdays by then"

I think realistically they didn't want me to come back after university, so they just spiralled.

I'm applying for as many viewings as I can, and I'm also going to set aside a chunk to get a therapist

Your posts sound so bad, but unless you've experienced it- unfortunately this is the truth of the many children. I know from experience. I'm estranged from our mother- through my choice. As the woman is just beyond terrible. I'm sorry this is your experience.

But I will say that there are flat shares, specifically set up for young working people, up to the age of 25. It is based upon affordability, ( just use Google, as I can't remember the company). Good news about getting your money back hopefully, save that towards a rent in advance deposit. xx

@CinnamonStick77 Well done, it’s not easy to address something like this. Therapy is an excellent idea too. I hope you find somewhere lovely to move into soon. I think you will be just fine OP.

I have sons but I’d never treat them differently OR spoil them like this. Your mum is doing him no favours and she’s going to ruin your relationship. I pity any woman he gets into a relationship with in the future. So sorry OP.

Delighted to hear you've started the conversation.

I hope the cash is forthcoming very soon and hopefully shared family meals too

Well done for raising it with them and that's a good outcome to be getting rent back.

Good luck with the search and do ask around your friends, at your age I got to hear about house shares early from friends before they got advertised.

my parents didn’t want children and their contempt for my sister and I was equal. But it wasn’t as bad as what you’re describing they sound like horrible people. I’d be doing everything to move out and got NC

Blimey OP, that sounds toxic. Move out, don’t look back! If it was me, they’d probably not hear from me again.

The only thing I’d say is that I happily do my sons washing/cleaning as he’s neat, tidy makes little work. His sister on the other hand is like a whirlwind and you can’t see the carpet in her room to hoover as its knee deep in clothes that I can’t tell if they’re dirty or just tried on and rejected. So thats why I “housemaid” for him but not her, but she knows she’s only got to tidy up and I would. Making you use the launderette and not including you in family roasts is outrageously mean.

DH’s mum used to charge him rent and not his siblings, treating children differently is a recipe for resentment, they’ve not got particularly harmonious sibling relationships in their 50’s and a big part of it stems from being treated differently.

Round here, I’ve seen a scheme where older people rent a room in their house cheaply in exchange for a bit of household help/company etc. Maybe look into that too OP. Good luck.

Your mother didn't realise? Like hell she didn't. No one can be that 'unknowing'. Doesn't matter though OP. With luck you will be out of there soon and don't look back.

Your original OP is one of the saddest things I've read on mumsnet and the fact that you had to ask...💐

You should ask her! Say what’s with the double standard why do you clean all his stuff top to bottom and not mine? What’s the actual reason?

I’d be very curious to know

I think realistically they didn't want me to come back after university, so they just spiralled.

Oh @CinnamonStick77 that is so sad. You sound so reasonable and balanced and sorted. You should be proud of yourself for being so mature and thoughtful.

Do move out and make a little distance. Don’t visit. Let them miss you! Have a wonderful life with people who value you.

Big unMumsnetty hugs.

I don't believe your mother. That blather about not realising is just more of her contempt and the sooner you're out of the house the better.

I wonder if your parents will start charging your brother rent once they haven't got you subbing his lifestyle anymore? I don't know how I'd behave in your situation as I don't think I've come across anything so grossly unequal in my own life or that of my family members, including those of my elders who grew up in the first half of the twentieth century. But the advice from pps to do all you can to move out and put at minimum a lot of distance between yourself and your parents is good. You deserve so much better.

Sorry just saw the update. Sorry OP it’s not ok to be treated like that and they’re completely in the wrong. I don’t get how parents can be so blatant like this but I’ve seen it so many times.

Remember this when they’re old and in the care home lol

The staying with an older person could be good if you have the right fit but could also be risky. How much housework, and when, possible personality conflict. I wouldn't want op in another situation where too much was expected of her or became uncomfortable. Otoh it could be great if she found the right person.

This. 💯

That's a quick turn around. Get out of there as soon as you can.

You poor girl... it's THEY who should be paying for you to see a therapist.

I really do not understand some so called humans... I can't get my head around SO many discrepancies between how they treat you and your brother.

If they can blithely chuck the remainder of a roast, then imply that YOU are wasteful with money, that is beyond disgusting.

Don't let this treatment of you, colour how you treat yourself, or other people as you live the rest of your life.

I wish I could hug you, and make you feel better, somehow?

You can't rewrite history, but your future is very much up to you, coz I'd rather sleep on a friends sofa, and live out of a suitcase, than have that shoved in my face everyday.

OP, you are a stronger woman than I, and I hope, if nothing else, the way you've been treated, at least you'll have strong boundaries about how you'll never be treated this way, in the future, by ANYBODY.

💐 please accept this as a very small token, and your parents really don't deserve any consideration from you.
They certainly don't deserve such a daughter as you.

I think it’s much worse than your parents favouring your brother - they sound like they actually don’t like you at all and want you to move out.
I could never get over being treated so differently and would find it hard to have a relationship with them going forward.

Wow what horrible parents I would cut all ties completely

Oh bless you OP. My heart broke for you reading all your updates. Just keep reminding yourself it’s NOT YOU….ITS THEM! Was it always like this or just since you moved back? I think you need to focus on new relationships and build your own family, get out asap, write down all these hurtful things and give your awful parents the list when you leave.

I'm sorry, OP, but your parents are horrible for treating you so differently from you brother. And taking £500 off you a month while charging him nothing AND paying for all his bills, doing his laundry, cleaning and feeding him?!?

Bet they also think you should 'help' them more while he does fuck all.

YOu need to move out and go low contact with them. Let golden boy look after them as they get older.

Your posts are heartbreaking to read.

There was a difference between how my brothers and I were treated when we were younger, but nothing anywhere near what you are experiencing.

I couldn't imagine treating any of my children so differently, your parents do not deserve to have you in their lives They will grow to regret their treatment of you when they need help and support in their later years. Distance yourself from them and focus on your own well-being and needs. You will meet people in your life who provide the support and care you deserve.

I’m so sorry OP, the situation you are in is so toxic. I had similar but not quite as bad as you. Some random examples - My brother was allowed to pick which room he wanted, if he wanted to swap rooms they would do it while I was out of the house or away with no warning, going through my stuff. His new room would be redecorated for him, but I would always just have his old stuff/wallpaper etc. I never had a set of drawers or wardrobe I could use as my mum would store her 20 plus year old clothes and old towels (things she would never use!) in them so I had to keep my stuff in bags. She would expect me to hoover and do chores despite being in school and working part time,yet my brother wouldn’t have to do anything even though he had left school and wasn’t even attempting to get a job. There is a lot more than this, and I did get the courage to ask her one day why she had done certain things- she flat out just told me she wanted to protect my brother -despite being at my expense.
It is not a nice feeling when you feel unwanted in your own home. The best thing I did was to move out. I’m low contact now, my brother is still very close to her. I think you need to do what you have to, to protect yourself before your self worth is whittled away by your parents.