To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

Wow I cannot believe your parents treat you and your brother so differently. I would feel resentful in your position. I cannot believe they make you pay£500, expect you to buy and cook your own meals and don’t allow you to have milk etc. all
on A minimum wage job. Find a way to
move out and live with some like minded, trustworthy people. Let’s see how much your parents want to treat your brother when they are worse off by £500 per month.

That's a disgusting way to treat your own child. Does the disparity come from your mother or both? What does your dad do or say when it's shown

Good luck getting out of that toxic place as soon as you can

I had the same treatment when I lived at home. To be honest I left home just before I was 20 and left them to it.
I felt like an unpaid skivvy and felt it was about time to make my own way in the world.

It sounds like they don't actually want you living with them OP because they are doing everything to get you to leave.
Isn't anyone kind to you in the house ? Get out of there asap and never return go No Contact. Take everything you want to keep of yours when you go , or it will be binned and lost forever .
Wishing you the very best of luck .

This cannot be real.

On the off chance that it is genuinely your experience, I'd be out of that house like a shot, even if I had to live in one room forever, and I'd probably never speak to parents like these again.

This is ridiculous. Have you asked them why this is the case? Copy and paste your message here, edit it slightly as needed and send it in a message to your mum and dad explaining you are feeling hurt and want to understand why this has been happening. Good luck. This is really hurtful treatment of you.

Please move out. Anything would be better than this.

Please remember this when your parents are old as it's generally the daughters who do the bulk of the caring for elderly parents. Do not get guilt driven to help them out.
If this is all true, this is abusive behaviour from your parents regardless of how they treat your brother.

Find a way to move out, a house share, flat share. I was treated like this by my parents. Only girl and 3 boys. From 12 I had to do chores for my pocket money - boys didn’t. Long list of examples of me not counting but boys did, even to the extent putting me in danger more than once from when I was 6.
Your mother’s attitude won’t change so leave her to it and make a happier life for yourself.

We've spoken.

According to my mum she just "didn't realise" it was that bad.

We've agreed that they'll pay me back my last 6 months of "rent" and I'll be stepping up the search for my own place

Jesus. I'm so sorry, they're abusive bastards. I would try to get out any way you can, and consider going extremely low or no contact with them in future.

Well that'll help. Well done and good luck with your search.

So they didn't even need your money then.

Excellent. Get that money and move out. Best of luck, you can do it.

That sounds like it went okay with your mum OP. Well done for addressing it. I hope things improve for you. It does sound very cold and distant. I can't understand it at all. I really hope it's not as bad as it sounds. Take care of yourself ❤️

My in-laws are like this with their daughter. She's the favourite. Gets everything she ever asks for. Still lives at home at 40, rent free. My husband gets nothing from them but will bend over backward to help them. It's infuriating.

The smallest whiff of them needing care she would literally leave the country and live/work elsewhere. Would only come back for her inheritance

You are being reasonable - and the double standards with which many parents treat sons vs. daughters is quite common. Unfortunately many women like your mother, raise men like your sons who are useless partners.

I was lucky to be raised in a gender egalitarian household but I seem to be a bit of an anomaly in that regard.

Have you tried asking your mom why she employs a double standard?

This is not normal to treat two children differently

Woah, I treat my DN and her dog who live with me, better than your mother treats you.

Hope you come to an arrangement and are treated better from here on.

Reading that in detail I am sorry that your parents are such massive fuckwits you even had to ask.

The difference in treatment is abhorrent and I would want to go NC with them.

Really well done on having the conversation! Is there anyone from uni or at work or anything who might want to flat share with you? It can be easier to find a whole property than a single room sometimes. Don’t give up on looking. One of my best shares was when I responded to a ad from someone looking for someone else to go flat hunting with, rather than looking for someone to fill a room in an existing share.

Stay aware of what’s happening though, I suspect they’ll demand more of you than your brother as they get older.

I was going to ask the same and I'm not sorry to ask. It's a genuine relevant question and it would explain a lot rather than going around the houses.

£3000 is a good lump sum for you to pay the deposit on a room in a shared house and the 1st months rent.

Now you need to be proactive and search several times a day so you are one of the first people to get a viewing.

I hope you get your money back & get out Op.

I had an ex like this. His little sister was even expected to pack his bag for him when they were going on a trip.

No wonder we never worked out.