To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

Yikes.

I thought that many parents had favourites, but that they do their upmost to hide it.

This is terrible behaviour!

There’s so many comments I doubt you’ll see mine.
I was treated the EXACT same way. There’s 18 months between me and my brother. I’m older

i was expected to do my own washing since I was FOURTEEN! Make my own lunches for school at 14. My own dinner from when I was about 17, at most she would buy me microwave meals. She was doing all of this for my brother until he was well into his 20s. When I pulled her up on it, she’d lie gaslight me!
im now 34 with children and a place of my own and all it’s done is cause massive resentment towards my mum. My brother has his own place now, it’s not his fault, but looking back it was Honeslty awful. I send you my love x

Whatever happens, you just remember this when they are in their dotage and need help..Let the spoilt golden boy do it all because you will owe them nothing.

I wish so much you could DM me, I don’t even tho if that’s possible because I can relate so much!! I’m 34 now. It DOES NOT get any better. You have to live with it. I have so much resentment towards my mum for treating me like this!

I moved 4 hours away from home. On the weekend I moved, they all had a lovely roast. Including the girl my brother got pregnant. I wasn’t ‘invited’, it was in the house I was living at. When I told my mum I was really sad about it cos I was moving away the next day, she told me ‘I made you dinner last week’. That dinner, was CHRISTMAS DAY. I had Xmas day dinner used against me. That was 10 years ago I’ve never had Xmas with them since

This is not acceptable I'd have it out with her and 100% remind them that when there older and need help that there darling son will 1000% not return the favour and it will be down to you and you won't be doing it. My brother is favouriteised by my parents but not to this extent but my dad is really poorly at the min and I'm expected to visit everyday even though I have family but my brother is excused I don't see my dad on the weekend because I've told him I need family time also only spend upto an hour with him a day and when he has a winge which he he does I tell him get your golden child to come he's got no children and then my dad says yes your right. You need to tell them and be selfish is there another family member a nan that you could live with? I have 5 children I treat them all the same I put my 2 sons through there test but they both had to save for a car I told them get a really cheep car as for the first 2 years it's like probation haha and then after that look for a car you really want. None of my daughters can drive unfortunately due to being partially sighted but if they could I'd do the same. You need to stand up for yourself more with your mum hope you get sorted x

Keep things courteous until you’ve got the rent money back from them actually in your hands.
After you move out you should not feel obliged to them in any way. My friend’s sister was the golden child and could do no wrong. My friend, on the other hand, came home from her first term at uni to find her bedroom had been repurposed and she had to sleep in the living room. Yet when her parents were elderly and really ill for years it was my friend, not the golden child, who went back and did all the work. Golden child did nothing.
Don’t be like my friend.

Also I do all of this for my daughter and son wash clothes wash bedding clean rooms all ironing and meals for £100 a month each there my children the moment I decided to become a mum is the moment that I swore that I'd take care of them until I couldn't that's a mums job my eldest 2 are 26 and 25 they keep there room generally tidy but it's never my clean haha so once a week give it a blitz. I've just read you had it out with her so glad you did hope it's better now

Good lord, @CinnamonStick77 that's awful! I have a brother, 2 years older than me, and we were treated differently but nowhere near the extent you experienced. He was babied more by our mum and let off with things more by our dad but really he was always less independent than me. So he was happy with the babying and I didn't need it. I'm so sorry that you've had such a shit time with your parents. It's not right the way that they are treating you. I honestly cannot believe that they would rather bin food than feed you for free. You deserve better.

I hope you see this @CinnamonStick77.
I have watched my MIL treat my DH like this for years while her other 2 sons can do no wrong. Even though DH pays her mortgage and bills, apparently he does nothing for her. We live together but I do not talk to her at all. My advice is to keep pulling your family on their shitty behaviour, keep fighting back! Unfortunately, they will not change and you need to get away from them and start living your life. Some people were not meant to be in our lives forever and I can empathise with you yearning for them to snap out of it and realise that you deserve to be treated with the same love and affection your brother is shown. Unfortunately, there are people like this all over the world and they don't see anything wrong with their actions. So please, for your own mental health, get out and never look back. Surround yourself with good people who will love you in abundance because you really do deserve all the love in the world. Your family don't deserve you.

This sounds familiar! But unless I'm the friend in this exact story, it's probably just more common than it seems. Golden children rarely step up to help anyone else, as they believe they're the ones entitled to any and all help.

Wow, this is shocking

Have you shown your parents this?

Why weren't you allowed to do a load of washing? This all seems very unfair - the cooking a roast dinner but your wouldn't be invited to join unless you bought your own portion, this is really bad.

I’m 34 now. It DOES NOT get any better. You have to live with it.

I'm almost 50 and yes still the same. And yes parents will gaslight you and claim it never happened. I can't imagine treating my own children this way and I don't know, genuinely believing I'm not? Believing one just deserves more? Not sure what's going on.

This is genuinely so sad to read but I’m also not shocked as I’ve heard/seen similar.

Please remember how they’ve treated you and do not feel obligated to go above and beyond for them in the future. If you get great in-laws, spend holidays with them. If you have children, don’t leave them unsupervised with your parents. When they need care or assistance with tasks/jobs/appointments, direct them to your brother and don’t feel an ounce of guilt.

This is who they are, this is how they choose to treat you - it’s not a reflection on you, they’re honestly just shitty parents.

it Is very common to see the one providing all running around and care for elderly parents is the unflavoured put upon child. The psychology is horrifying- is the child still desperately trying to prove their worth to their cruel parents?

Your parents as way out of order. Remember to not be their dogsbody in their old age.

For £500 I'd take a look at spareroom and see what you can afford and leave them too it. You should be able to get a double room most places for that (and have access to a washing machine). I bet they'll miss your 500 quid.

I wouldn't even tell them to be honest, just find somewhere and continue saving towards your fantastic future 💐

Well done for confronting them. Take the money, and run. They definitely 'realised'. I gasped with shock when I read about the laundrette, and I've been on Mumsnet a long time. And the roast dinners.
I would reiterate - remember which child was golden when the time comes for them to need support in their old age. I'm furious on your behalf.
You sound diligent and kind.

It’s totally wrong. This is not how normal parents treat their sons and daughters. I am so sad for you.
Also so angry that your brother has sucked up all this toxicity and blithely carried on instead of sticking up for you. He is going to be such a shit partner whereas you my lovely have all the skills you need to spot this kind of batshittery from 100 yards and never let it near you again.
Wishing you all the luck in the world looking for that house share and moving on.

Don’t bother saving for a car. Use the money to move out as soon as you can. Find a house share, get a second job and save for a deposit for your own place.
when you leave pop a list of what they do for him and what they have done for you on the table. Make it clear you see their inconsistency so there is no doubt as to why you have moved out.

I'm genuinely shocked and very upset in the circumstances you now find yourself in.What was your childhood like? Is this since you left school ,is absolutely bizarre behaviour,like a joke,. Your being treated like a lodger so in that case you want a break down of what your rent covers,if electricity etc,shower etc,but I would try and get some advice.
Like most mother's here hearing this story I just want to find you and take you in and look after you,your are being shown no love or even respect,but they are making it harder for you to space them too. Just remember when they are old and infirm not to be there for them,and I bet the sone won't be there either and he should start sticking up for you too. Please try and get put of there.

Wow, disgusting behaviour from your parents. I'm so angry with them on your behalf.

At least you're getting your last 6 months rent back but that's the very least they could do. Bastards!

This going to be hard to hear but you need to hear it.

You’re in a space where you are not actually wanted. I’m not trying to hurt you, I’ve been there. I haven’t spoken to most of my family for 25 years. I felt like as soon as I was 18 I needed to gtfo. My grandmother played favourites with me and my sister and my cousin and my mom was broke. Any man who paid her any attention she would leave me home alone days at a time. My sister eventually ended up in foster care.

For the sake of your sanity - I wouldn’t mention you have an issue with any of it. I would not say a word because the only thing it’s going to bring you is arguments and potentially an eviction.

I would look at it this way - if you’re paying 1/3 of what rent would be and you’re welcome to be there just not treated with the same as your sibling - then take the win. Treat them like housemates. Start saving that other £1000 a month so you have a nest egg. Work on your career / education and use that space. Work on yourself.

Then once you’re ready to leave and you have sorted yourself out , go and don’t look back.

Then when they are old and need something from you - don’t do it. Make yourself unavailable. If they ask why , tell them how you felt about the favouritism and lack of care you received in comparison to your sibling. Then let them sit with it.

The fact is they know what they are doing to you. They don’t see it as wrong.

Your mum sounds absolutely horrible tbh. I can't believe she cooks a family meal every night that includes your brother but not you and that you need to pay £500 per month and he pays nothing.

If you moved out, could you apply for Universal Credit which could cover your rent? I don't think it's a good idea to stay there with such inequality of treatment between you and your brother.

This made for a very sad read, OP. My heart goes out to you. Please know that one day you will be free of these people and can live the life that you wish for yourself.

On a practical note, if possible I would use this time to work and save and educate yourself into a better situation/job. I hope this is possible for you. Wishing you all the best.

You are like Cinderella but they are your real parents! They are completely disgusting.

Do your parents rent their home or do they have a mortgage? £500 is a lot for you to pay when it doesn't even include food. I'm wondering whether they actually make a profit from you.

WOW. You are literally treated like a lodger than a family member.

Honestly, show them this thread and then move out as quickly as possible!