To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

Is this a recent thing or was your childhood the same? What do you both get for Christmas presents fir example?

You need to leave. This is totally weird set up. I can't understand some people I really can't.

I get what you say about affordability of rentals, but have you heard of the schemes that match younger people with older people - you share their home for a reduced rent / free in return for some support. I found 3 schemes on google - your local Citizens Advice or local council housing department may know of others

https://twogenerations.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4rK8BhD7ARIsAFe5LXJoStE_bTPwHtI1-h_P4oTEbZSUnLx5p7wDQplOjSa-Dk4amsXDH4EaAhcyEALw_wcB

https://homeshareuk.org/

https://www.sharemyhome.co.uk/

please check these out - and leave asap.

And like someone else said earlier - remember this when your parents are looking for care and support in their later lives

@CinnamonStick77 I haven’t RTFT but have read your updates and 100% agree with this PP.
This is not normal behaviour for parents. Do not accept this treatment as normal.

I bet that when the time comes your brother will be hopeless at caring for them (purely because he has never had to take responsibility for himself let alone anyone else). Your parents will probably want him to live his best life and not take time out to care for them.
Instead, they will look to you, manipulate, gaslight and emotionally black mail you into being their carers. You will spend £££ on them, spend huge amount of time and effort on them, likely to the detriment of yourself.
And then they will leave everything to your brother in their will.

This is quite unbelievable

@CinnamonStick77 massive squishes.

is your dad as bad as your mum with this or just goes along for a quiet life? What’s the wider family like and your grandparents?

Id be leaving asap and not looking back and going no contact.

you can guarantee when they have aged significantly and they need care and help - hell be nowhere to be seen and they’ll expect you to run around after them.

Make your own way in life asap and go no contact. You don’t need these people treating you like a second class citizen.

"People can't love all their children (all individuals) equally, it is not humanly possible. However, they can treat all their children equally and they should do that"

I don't believe the above for one moment. I think most people do love their children equally.

Something seems to be wrong with your parents. This is completely not normal.

I don't know if it's sexism. If you remove your brother from the equation they're still treating you awfully. Put them in a home

That's what I thought.

That's just awful, OP.

Get in touch with all your friends and ask them to ask around for you for spare rooms in shared houses, quite often they come up by word of mouth.

Get in touch with lettings agents so they let you know when something comes on the market.

I am sure some of the online lettings sites will do a phone alert when a new property in your search criteria pops up.

You can absolutely rent a room in a decent house share with a big kitchen, diner/living room area, washer, dryer, all the bills paid inc. internet... for what you're paying your absolutely vile excuses for parents!

Id sort that and then just fuck off one day when they're out. Don't say a word, just piss off.

I'd stop paying them the rent for a start. What are they going to do about it.

Yes me too

This is heartbreaking and so wrong.
I hope you can find a way to leave asap and never look back.
I bet loads of mothers reading this are disgusted by your parents

They sound like awful people. Leave, and don't look back. And never forget - they're the ones with the problem, not you.
I say this as someone who left where they grew up, now live a plane journey away, and won't move back until/unless they're all dead. And I'd have moved even further if DP had agreed.
You can't fix dysfunctional family dynamics but you can keep it very far away and you can realise it was them, not you, all along.

im the eldest daughter - and I was much like you told to fend for my self. Wlist my younger brother and sister didn’t lift a finger. So I’m not sure it’s just gender based tbh. Just move out. You’ll never change their attitude; they’ll be expecting you to look after them in old age as well.

You need to leave and reduce contact. They are abusive.

When the washing machine is empty just bring your washing down and put a load on. What would happen if you did this?

I've seen this first hand. Not only in my own siblings/mother dynamic, but also in long-term friends who have both sex kids and a massive disparity with treatment of sons and daughters.

Mothers who think they have bred The Perfect Man in their son(s).

Internalised misogyny perpetuating the Man/Boy More Important and not expected to step up with household chores, doing their own washing ironing etc, being bailed out and let off and bad behaviour minimised or excused entirely.

Men who expect to be waited upon by women have been enabled by the women who serve them, often from early infancy. The only way to break the cycle is to say no and stop doing it.

God only knows how many generations that's going to take...

I could go on but I won't bother.

I am in my 50s and the only daughter with 3 brothers. My brothers never lifted a hand to do anything in the house, I worked FT and had to clean/cook etc too, but I was fed!

That was all my mum, a traditional housewife, knew back then in the 70s/80s, she was teaching me to be a "good wife" 🙄 didn't make it right, but somewhat understandable.

What your parents are doing to you is not normal, it is abusive. There is no point trying to reason with them, they are set in their ways. Start making your exit plans and don't look back.

THIS+++++++
The contrast is unbelievably extreme
Take care OP and you need to talk to your parents

Much as I’d like to believe no parents can be this cruel, you have to look at the cases of Daniel Pelka, Victoria Climbie, Arthur Labinjo Hughes to see many cruel parnts do withhold food and care and it stands to reason this would continue into early adulthood.

If this is true, then you need to move out, OP. I struggle to believe that it is true, to be honest. Every example is so black and white - son spoiled, daughter deprived in every possible area - and you describe it all so dispassionately. If it was really happening would you not have challenged them as an adult and thrown multiple tantrums as a child? Would you not also be furiously resentful of your brother?

If you mean that in the sense of "I don't believe you", I can assure you, DP's mother was as bad / worse.
I could give you a long list, but for starters. how about charging rent if DP came home from uni to visit for a weekend.

Agree ... blimey

Oh this is just AWFUL. @CinnamonStick77 You maybe so upset to be tread so badly in comparison with your brother.

You are doing brilliantly - looking after yourself, earning, paying rent. You should be proud of that. Your parents aren’t doing your brother any favours - he sounds quite lazy and not at all independent.

You need I’ve a tough conversation with your parents. Try not to blame them or be angry or pressure them. Simply ask why there is such a disparity in their treatment of you compared with your brother in an open curious way, not an accusatory way. Leav the question there.

If you did want to say more, you could phrase it around : “When you do X it makes me feel Y” Again not blaming just a fact.

Good luck. Your parents should be very proud of you as an independent young woman on her way to supporting herself.