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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think 8/9 year olds shouldn’t be doing this

333 replies

Pluggoo · 19/01/2025 15:28

Walking up a big hill with a busy road next to it (known to speeders) to go and meet their friends alone. All in year 4. Then playing on a field to play football. Walking back home mainly alone. 10 minutes walk to get home

OP posts:
Pickingmyselfup · 20/01/2025 08:00

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/01/2025 07:35

The stats agree with me. A child is more likely to be harmed or kidnapped by someone they know, not a stranger.

My statement isn’t careless, it’s accurate.

I think I agree with you there. Being a small petite female (or just a female in general) I'm also at risk from a man who wants to do me harm so there comes a point where age makes no difference in that respect.

With age comes maturity so what to do if someone approaches you/tries to drag you off the street/how to cross the road.

Independence is so important and I do think a lot of us (definitely me included!) are guilty of not allowing that because we fear the consequences.

So whilst 8 is maybe a little young for doing the suggested, start smaller and build up.

My 9 year old is technically allowed to walk home but I don't trust him. So I've decided as of today instead of meeting me in the playground he can meet me outside of the school gates and wait for me there. It may as well be in the school playground with being how close it is but I won't be there, I need to trust he will wait for me. We've had almost 2 years of him leaving his classroom alone and finding me in a different playground so we are just building from there.

Once he's proved himself capable and trustworthy he can meet me further away gradually until he starts year 6 in September and then he can walk home. I won't be far behind him anyway so I can likely keep an eye on him.

Then in a few years I'll be doing it all again with his brother!

It's so much easier when they are babies and you can't let them out of your sight!!

PurpleThistle7 · 20/01/2025 08:12

I have an 8.5 year old and wouldn't let him do this. He plays out in the estate but we walk him to school and to his friends outside this road. If he was walking in a group... maybe? But there are so many bands of teenagers at the parks round here and I just don't think a group of small children can manage that.

I'm not worried about adults, that is a tiny probability and I can't spend too much time on it. Traffic awareness can and is being taught. But my son won't be going to the parks on his own for a good couple years yet. My daughter was allowed around 10 but to meet a friend, not on her own as we had a bad experience with that the first time she did it (from another girl inher class). Now that she's 12 she is out and about on her own of course, but she's still a bit worried when she comes across a large group of teenagers - as we all are!

sanityisamyth · 20/01/2025 08:53

Pluggoo · 19/01/2025 15:35

They just seem so young. Surely they aren’t old enough to know the danger signs?

That's what parents are for. Tell them the dangers. When are they supposed to be allowed to go out by themselves? What makes a Year 5 child magically more equipped overnight compared to a Year 4 child?

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 10:16

@AmethystRuby

the risk from a stranger is tiny? are you serious??? he will be alone not with his friends. walking alone at 8 years old. the risk is tiny? that statement is wildly careless.

The statement is true.

diddl · 20/01/2025 10:26

That's what parents are for. Tell them the dangers.

Young kids can forget though and strangers can be persuasive.

Even adults are scammed/conned!

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 10:31

SouthLondonMum22 · Yesterday 23:55
No one has said that there's no risk. Of course there's a risk but it is a fact that the risk from a stranger is tiny.
We can't avoid risks completely. In that case, even teenagers wouldn't be able to gain any independence.

AmethystRuby · Today 03:59
the risk from a stranger is tiny? are you serious??? he will be alone not with his friends. walking alone at 8 years old. the risk is tiny? that statement is wildly careless.

I agree AmethystRuby, I also think this statement is ridiculous. It’s almost as if predators aren’t targeting vulnerable children out on their own 🙄

And I do include teens as vulnerable, I certainly bloody was. SA increases in teen years, esp for girls.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 10:48

sanityisamyth · 20/01/2025 08:53

That's what parents are for. Tell them the dangers. When are they supposed to be allowed to go out by themselves? What makes a Year 5 child magically more equipped overnight compared to a Year 4 child?

Children are just not equipped to handle predatory adults (who are clever in concealing their intent) or who can use physical force to overpower a child/ minor. Adults find it hard to spot the dangers, so it is unrealistic to expect a child to be able to manage this and keep themselves safe.

Also re: road safety awareness is all well and good but does nothing to protect against reckless (feckless) drivers who break the rules. Green man on pedestrian crossings should be safe, but not always, my DN was nearly killed on one.

Safety chats are important but just not as much of a safeguard as we might wish to think.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 11:00

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 10:16

@AmethystRuby

the risk from a stranger is tiny? are you serious??? he will be alone not with his friends. walking alone at 8 years old. the risk is tiny? that statement is wildly careless.

The statement is true.

“The risk from a stranger is tiny” makes it sound like a stranger couldn’t do much harm, like tweaking an elbow or something.

Stranger risk is real. I met some disturbing individuals who actively looked for young people to molest, they are out there, it is (sadly) no myth and they do travel. One man stuck in my mind, he didn’t want to go back to prison but described a compulsion to offend that he couldn’t control and was interested in local schools. Bloody terrifying.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 11:12

That said children/ teens will reach an age of independence and that is normal and just part of life that they will go out on their own at some point. We can only do our best to prepare them. I am not looking forward to this chapter but it is inevitable.

Can we just round up all the b*stards and feckless drivers do you think? And sail them off to the arctic?

BertieBotts · 20/01/2025 11:41

There are two ways to quantify risk, though. One way is about how serious the risk is. A papercut = small problem. A stranger could potentially kill or traumatise a child, which is obviously a very big problem.

The other is about how likely something is to happen. A papercut is very common - most people get several a year. Being murdered or abducted by a stranger is extremely unlikely.

I think the poster saying that a risk is tiny was referring to probability and not severity.

We aren't very good at judging risk as humans, though. We put way more emphasis on things which are on the extreme end of the severity scale and this seems to diminish the importance of the probability factor. In general, I don't think humans are well wired to judge probability - we seem to use our own experience, plus learned experience from others, in order to do this, and that doesn't map very accurately onto the big picture. The other problem with this is that because we consume news media, we get a really skewed picture of what the probability is for various things because we didn't really evolve to understand the world in that way.

If you think back before mass media existed, you'd hear about terrible things which happened in your own immediate circle, your physically local area and then maybe second or third hand experiences from others - that would be about it. Our brains still react to news reports that we hear as though this is the scale we're hearing about it from. So when we hear about two high profile child murders in a year, it basically makes us believe on some level that child murder is much more common than it really is because it's as though we are taking in an account from somebody who is physically or emotionally close to us, rather than being a representation of something which happened in another city. If you think about something which is less commonly in the news, but affects a couple of your social circle each year - maybe losing a parent, or being diagnosed with a serious illness. We can come to see child murder as being as likely as those things, and that is terrifying. Of course you'd want to reduce that risk.

In reality though, stranger abduction is so rare that it basically makes no sense to worry about it - it's about the same as the risk of dying from a general anaesthetic, or the risk of death from skiing or horseriding. It is a real thing which happens, but most of the time we don't think about it and don't consider it a likely outcome - we would only avoid that thing if for example the person was especially vulnerable (like a very young baby, or letting someone go out skiing with no training and no protective gear).

It makes a lot more logical sense to worry about things like childhood obesity leading to future health problems, difficulty socialising leading to isolation and depression, addictive behaviours possibly leading to drug/alcohol abuse. But because those things don't register as being as urgent as children being killed/abducted by a stranger, we consider strangers the bigger risk.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 11:56

Yes that does make sense but I didn’t get the information/ news from media, I got it firsthand in my personal life and professional life working alongside the police and probation services.

I don’t actively worry about strangers or road crossings but take sensible steps to mitigate the risk, ie I don’t let my young children go out on their own, hold their hand crossing the road etc. Due to what happened to my DN I also make sure traffic has actually physically stopped before crossing with the green man.

It is right that we are shaped by experience and it certainly heightens your tendency to side with caution if you have been a victim of violent crime. I will never disclose this to my children as that in itself would be harmful for them mentally, but I will always be a protective mum.

Gogogo12345 · 20/01/2025 12:22

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 11:56

Yes that does make sense but I didn’t get the information/ news from media, I got it firsthand in my personal life and professional life working alongside the police and probation services.

I don’t actively worry about strangers or road crossings but take sensible steps to mitigate the risk, ie I don’t let my young children go out on their own, hold their hand crossing the road etc. Due to what happened to my DN I also make sure traffic has actually physically stopped before crossing with the green man.

It is right that we are shaped by experience and it certainly heightens your tendency to side with caution if you have been a victim of violent crime. I will never disclose this to my children as that in itself would be harmful for them mentally, but I will always be a protective mum.

Even that doesn't guarantee safety though . There was an 8 year old girl killed in a zebra crossing holding her mums hand down the road from me some years ago.affer an driver sped straight through it

Natsku · 20/01/2025 12:34

Well said @BertieBotts people worry a lot more about the extremely unlikely risks but worry a lot less about the much more likely risks. Independent mobility in childhood is linked to a decreased risk of obesity so by not allowing children to go places by themselves to avoid the very unlikely risk of abduction or similar, parents increase the much more likely risk of obesity.

NovemberMorn · 20/01/2025 12:39

Natsku · 20/01/2025 12:34

Well said @BertieBotts people worry a lot more about the extremely unlikely risks but worry a lot less about the much more likely risks. Independent mobility in childhood is linked to a decreased risk of obesity so by not allowing children to go places by themselves to avoid the very unlikely risk of abduction or similar, parents increase the much more likely risk of obesity.

What's to stop the parents taking kids to the parks and sports events?
There is no way I would have let my 8 year old do this trip alone.
The alternative is not that a kid has to stay in, eat crap and get fat.

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 12:54

What's to stop the parents taking kids to the parks and sports events?

It's not the same. For so many reasons, it's not the same. Growing up we would be out playing in the streets from the moment school finished until we were back in for our tea. We'd cycle our bikes to the park, play, then cycle home. Not only is the physical movement constant and not the same as being ferried to and from places in a car, the social and developmental benefits for children are beyond what can be provided by a parent chauffeuring them around.

We'd be out in the fresh air, negotiating our childhood social lives, learning how to navigate our community, problem solving, working things out together without adult intervention, going to the shops by ourselves and learning to manage our own money, looking after each other, figuring out how to deal with arguments and fallings out, playing games passed down from older siblings, making up our own games, learning how to deal with boredom without an adult guiding everything, playing with a mixed age range of children.

It's a far better childhood by every measure and far better for a child's developing brain.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 13:01

Natsku · 20/01/2025 12:34

Well said @BertieBotts people worry a lot more about the extremely unlikely risks but worry a lot less about the much more likely risks. Independent mobility in childhood is linked to a decreased risk of obesity so by not allowing children to go places by themselves to avoid the very unlikely risk of abduction or similar, parents increase the much more likely risk of obesity.

I think this is flawed logic. We are constantly out with our kids, walks, parks, swings, bikes, woods, farm parks, out in town, local attractions. Playing/ running about in the garden or friends houses etc.

We are just with them, as a family. They are no less active for being with a parent. I cannot see how the obesity argument holds weight (pun!) and equates to children going out by themselves as being healthier?

NovemberMorn · 20/01/2025 13:07

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 12:54

What's to stop the parents taking kids to the parks and sports events?

It's not the same. For so many reasons, it's not the same. Growing up we would be out playing in the streets from the moment school finished until we were back in for our tea. We'd cycle our bikes to the park, play, then cycle home. Not only is the physical movement constant and not the same as being ferried to and from places in a car, the social and developmental benefits for children are beyond what can be provided by a parent chauffeuring them around.

We'd be out in the fresh air, negotiating our childhood social lives, learning how to navigate our community, problem solving, working things out together without adult intervention, going to the shops by ourselves and learning to manage our own money, looking after each other, figuring out how to deal with arguments and fallings out, playing games passed down from older siblings, making up our own games, learning how to deal with boredom without an adult guiding everything, playing with a mixed age range of children.

It's a far better childhood by every measure and far better for a child's developing brain.

All very 'Famous Five'...but times have changed.
The amount of traffic on the road has increased drastically, for a start.
An 8 year old, walking alone, along a busy road known for speeders....I think any parent would be neglectful to think this was OK.

Very lazy parenting to think that caring about the safety of your young childs welfare is in some way contributing to him being overweight.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 13:10

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 12:54

What's to stop the parents taking kids to the parks and sports events?

It's not the same. For so many reasons, it's not the same. Growing up we would be out playing in the streets from the moment school finished until we were back in for our tea. We'd cycle our bikes to the park, play, then cycle home. Not only is the physical movement constant and not the same as being ferried to and from places in a car, the social and developmental benefits for children are beyond what can be provided by a parent chauffeuring them around.

We'd be out in the fresh air, negotiating our childhood social lives, learning how to navigate our community, problem solving, working things out together without adult intervention, going to the shops by ourselves and learning to manage our own money, looking after each other, figuring out how to deal with arguments and fallings out, playing games passed down from older siblings, making up our own games, learning how to deal with boredom without an adult guiding everything, playing with a mixed age range of children.

It's a far better childhood by every measure and far better for a child's developing brain.

When you find this magical safe never-never land please do let the rest of us know as sounds idyllic.

Unfortunately we live in the real world where no sane parent can these days Mary Poppins it like this anymore, and just throw open the front door without a care and wave a hanky after the DC as they skip off, maybe with Winnie the Pooh and pals.

Apologies for the mixed Disney metaphors! 😆

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 13:11

@NovemberMorn

All very 'Famous Five'...but times have changed.
The amount of traffic on the road has increased drastically, for a start.
An 8 year old, walking alone, along a busy road known for speeders....I think any parent would be neglectful to think this was OK.

Depends where you live. Thankfully I live somewhere where 8 and 9 year olds still go out with friends and without their parents.

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 13:12

@Mumtumtastic

When you find this magical safe never-never land please do let the rest of us know as sounds idyllic.

Yes I live in this place. I have also worked all over in schools and have seen the same. I live in Scotland.

It's not magical and safe. It's the real world and children learn to navigate it just fine.

NovemberMorn · 20/01/2025 13:15

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 13:11

@NovemberMorn

All very 'Famous Five'...but times have changed.
The amount of traffic on the road has increased drastically, for a start.
An 8 year old, walking alone, along a busy road known for speeders....I think any parent would be neglectful to think this was OK.

Depends where you live. Thankfully I live somewhere where 8 and 9 year olds still go out with friends and without their parents.

I agree 8 year olds should be out and have time away from parents....not on a busy road with speeding traffic zooming past though.

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 13:19

@NovemberMorn

I agree 8 year olds should be out and have time away from parents....not on a busy road with speeding traffic zooming past though.

We'll have to agree to disagree here, but navigating your neighbourhood and wider community means learning to walk along some roads that are busier than others. Teach them to cross only at proper crossings. The OP's child is walking ten minutes to a field to play football. An 8 or 9 year old should be capable of walking ten minutes away from their home.

If the child isn't capable, fair enough. It's certainly something to work towards in that case.

NovemberMorn · 20/01/2025 13:34

Yourethebeerthief · 20/01/2025 13:19

@NovemberMorn

I agree 8 year olds should be out and have time away from parents....not on a busy road with speeding traffic zooming past though.

We'll have to agree to disagree here, but navigating your neighbourhood and wider community means learning to walk along some roads that are busier than others. Teach them to cross only at proper crossings. The OP's child is walking ten minutes to a field to play football. An 8 or 9 year old should be capable of walking ten minutes away from their home.

If the child isn't capable, fair enough. It's certainly something to work towards in that case.

Certainly agree to disagree, I call it parental neglect, you obviously see it differently.

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 13:47

Gogogo12345 · 20/01/2025 12:22

Even that doesn't guarantee safety though . There was an 8 year old girl killed in a zebra crossing holding her mums hand down the road from me some years ago.affer an driver sped straight through it

Wtaf is wrong with people. That poor girl and her mum

People seems to be advocating the safety of Scotland (I love Scotland but not the knats). Could be cultural and less crowded than England? Gen pop is 5.4 million vs 56.5 million in England.

So the less evil and careless feckers about the safer things are. Not sure what the answer is for built up areas where we have more of them and more traffic to deal with.

Maybe we could petition the government to bring in legislation that anyone who has harmed a child/minor (or adult) either with intent (bstard abuser /predator) or by reckless behaviour (careless twt) aka mown people or kids down at crossings or drunk drivers etc must, after serving their sentience, clearly display that they are an evil or careless tw*t for a length of time proportional to the crime. I’m thinking some kind of led sign like a ankle tag but worn higher up. It wouldn’t solve everything, but would help us give them a wide berth. A very easy visual prompt to teach our DC too, win win.

Probably violates a hundred human rights laws though, shame, would really help us know who the dangerous and evil tw*ts are. Likely a lot of us would move to Scotland..

Mumtumtastic · 20/01/2025 13:50

Sorry the * has made the msg look weird!