Page 6 | Best response to MIL telling me to clean less?

roses2 · 2025-01-19T12:32:42+00:00

MIL is a staying for 5 weeks (a whole other thread). I like a clean house. I will sweep the kitchen floor every day after dinner, and once per week hoover the hallway in between the weekly cleaner visit and wipe down kitchen counters. Her house is dirty and cluttered. She’s asking me why do I clean so much, it’s pointless. Not to me it’s not. She’s just used to living in a house with 50 years of dust build up and cupboards full of items she never uses. Her comments about me cleaning are driving me insane. mumsnet people what is the best response without outright me telling her that her standards are filthy?

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/01/2025 19:14

Thankyouforthrdayz · 19/01/2025 15:08

We are all different. You and MIL shouldn't judge each other. She's happy and healthy with her standards at her house, as you are with yours.
If you choose to spend time in each others houses you have to accept each others ways.
Just tell her "It's how I like it".

See, I totally disagree with this. If someone's standards (or lack of!) made me uncomfortable, I'd stop visiting. And indeed have, on many occasions.
People can absolutely choose to live how they want; just like I can choose not to be around it! 🤷‍♀️

soupfiend · 19/01/2025 20:20

roses2 · 19/01/2025 18:11

I did it once and only because I wanted a saucepan and couldn’t find one due to the clutter so I asked her why does she have three toastie machines and suggested we declutter.

why assume I did it repeatedly!

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You said 'every time I try to empty her cupboards'

Which suggests some regularity, or at least not a one off event

Elsvieta · 19/01/2025 20:53

"I'm not like you, I can't live in dirt".

Elsvieta · 19/01/2025 20:59

HagsRule · 19/01/2025 17:47

Saving this thread as I'd like tips for managing my MIL about this too!

I like things clean, uncluttered and tidy and MIL is a hoarder and doesn't bother about dusting or things like that. Each to their own. Yet every time she can, she likes to bring up that I clean too much. I don't know how she manages to, but it always, always comes across as a dig at me.

For example we were all round at a family gathering the other weekend and the cousin's house we were in had just finished getting an extension done. The cousin was saying how much dust there was during the process and I sympathised and said I'd had that too on a much smaller scale with our radiators being replaced recently. MIL then piped up "I'm still finding dust in my house from when I first moved in (2 years she's been in, it was a new build) but unlike you, I don't care about dust, you obsess too much about cleaning."

Maybe I do, but regardless, I think what annoys me is that I would never, ever dream of criticising her house cleaning standards, and there's been a few times I've had to clean the toilet at her house before I used it, as it was totally rank!!!! DH helps her with IT stuff all the time and he said to me that behind his mum's TV was gross, with dust and crumbs and mouldy food things. Again, he didn't say anything as he knows she'd kick off and be all upset if he did say. Yet she gets to make out that I'm some sort of unhinged over-cleaner? I'm actually not, I'd say the OP actually cleans more than me, I hoover maybe fortnightly unless there's crumb carnage. I do use a dust and pan a lot after toddler dinner time. Anyway, my MIL's constant criticism is annoying. I want to just have a good response that shuts her up from now on.

How about "You don't clean enough"? Seems like a reasonable response to "You clean too much". Maybe followed by "DH saw mouldy food bits behind your TV" or similar? And then let her "kick off and be upset" all she wants, and stick to your guns. Why does that matter more than her upsetting you? If you want her to stop, she has to experience some consequences for what she's doing.

HagsRule · 19/01/2025 21:38

Thanks @Elsvieta , you're totally right of course. Unfortunately MIL's a person who likes dishing it out but cannot take it back. V frustrating. I am dealing with it by just smiling nonchalantly and changing the subject. No reaction (externally anyway). Drives me nuts inside though. We hosted Christmas at ours and when everyone was relaxing with drinks etc I put dishes away in dish washer and sorted the carnage of the kitchen and she told me I was making her nervous and to just leave it until the next day.

It only took me about 10 minutes and also, I'd rather go to bed with things cleaned up and not trying to tackle dishes and work surfaces covered in caked in food the next day with a hangover. She does that though and it takes her AGES to clean it up, practically the whole morning. I clean as I go, the way my mum used to. It's the chef way! She uses every pot and pan, leaves food to stain or stick to work surfaces and to me that just adds more work later on. But that's my opinion, I prefer my way, she prefers hers but I think we just have very different standards and preferences. Which is fine, but I don't think it's necessary to try and keep making out that her way is better. It's just different.

Loub1987 · 19/01/2025 21:42

Piss off

FoxInTheForest · 19/01/2025 21:43

roses2 · 19/01/2025 13:13

No, he takes after her!

Saying the same thing on repeat is probably the best approach. I might start decluttering too whilst she’s here as she freaks out every time I try to empty her cupboards and ask why she needs 3 cheese toasie machines!

she lives abroad and is visiting hence the 5 week stay.

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That's probably why she's making comments to you then, that's very intrusive and I wouldn't be happy with someone emptying my cupboards or questioning why I have things.
Its rude of you regardless of whether its common to have 3 toastie makers or not.

Elsvieta · 19/01/2025 21:53

HagsRule · 19/01/2025 21:38

Thanks @Elsvieta , you're totally right of course. Unfortunately MIL's a person who likes dishing it out but cannot take it back. V frustrating. I am dealing with it by just smiling nonchalantly and changing the subject. No reaction (externally anyway). Drives me nuts inside though. We hosted Christmas at ours and when everyone was relaxing with drinks etc I put dishes away in dish washer and sorted the carnage of the kitchen and she told me I was making her nervous and to just leave it until the next day.

It only took me about 10 minutes and also, I'd rather go to bed with things cleaned up and not trying to tackle dishes and work surfaces covered in caked in food the next day with a hangover. She does that though and it takes her AGES to clean it up, practically the whole morning. I clean as I go, the way my mum used to. It's the chef way! She uses every pot and pan, leaves food to stain or stick to work surfaces and to me that just adds more work later on. But that's my opinion, I prefer my way, she prefers hers but I think we just have very different standards and preferences. Which is fine, but I don't think it's necessary to try and keep making out that her way is better. It's just different.

What do you actually mean, though, by she "can't take it back"? If you give it back, what choice does would she have? What could she do? What's the worst that could happen? Why not be brave, and decide that you won't be bullied any more and that her feelings don't matter more than yours? (Especially in your own bloody house). The sky won't fall. She'll sulk a bit or whatever it is she does, and the world will keep turning. She has no power over you unless you give it.

MzHz · 19/01/2025 22:15

roses2 · 19/01/2025 13:13

No, he takes after her!

Saying the same thing on repeat is probably the best approach. I might start decluttering too whilst she’s here as she freaks out every time I try to empty her cupboards and ask why she needs 3 cheese toasie machines!

she lives abroad and is visiting hence the 5 week stay.

Show quote history

But you’re just as rude! In her house she lives as she wants to. You’ve got no business emptying her cupboards ffs.

all the responses on here are a joke. There’s no need to be a bitch about this at all. Just say “you do you” and leave it there. Repeat as necessary

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 20/01/2025 09:09

roses2 · 19/01/2025 18:11

I did it once and only because I wanted a saucepan and couldn’t find one due to the clutter so I asked her why does she have three toastie machines and suggested we declutter.

why assume I did it repeatedly!

Show quote history

"she freaks out every time I try to empty her cupboards and ask why she needs 3 cheese toasie machines!"

That's why. "every time" means multiple times.

SnappyLineSwan1961 · 25/02/2025 22:39

Tell her I can't bear lazy people there is no need for clutter everywhere smile x

5128gap · 25/02/2025 22:59

People who don't clean much often think that those who do are wasting their lives doing something dull and unpleasant when they could be doing something more fun or worthwhile. It's far more likely when someone tells you to stop cleaning they think they're telling you to let it go, relax, live a little etc, rather than trying to sabotage your efforts to have a clean home out of jealousy because theirs is dirty. Next time just tell her "it's OK MiL. I enjoy it" and see if that stops the comments.