To feel abandoned by my Mum

[Lovelamp]

DH and I have a 7mo LO. I work part time from home around baby, he works FT outside of the home. Both self employed running a company. He works away occasionally, a lot over next few months but nothing can be done about that. We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful, but we are on the up now.

I've always been close to my Mum but less so over the last few years as she has had some lifestyle changes that have affected her time - a new partner and new job that she works 6 days a week (neither new any more). We are an open and honest family and since before I became pregnant i had a couple of frank conversations with her about it being hard to maintain our relationship because of how busy she is etc. She doesn't even have time to speak on the phone most of the time. When I was pregnant and we had conversations about it and she promised that she would semi-retire in January (now) after getting her state pension in December and would be around more and able to offer help and support. She has reminded me of this willingly quite a few times since LO was born. It's not just for help that I want her to do it, she has no time to spend with people inc her partner, my sister, other grandchildren etc. She has no life.

At the moment whenever we do see her, it's about an hour once a week and it's on her terms if she finishes work early, which we don't find out about until on the day.

I have no other family who can offer practical support and my in laws live over an hour away so although they can help if we really need it, it's not a day to day thing.

Well it's January and there is no sign of her working less. I've brought it up a couple of times (as has her partner) and we just get brushed off. I just feel so sad about it. She helped loads with my sister's kids when they were little (and they have a lovely close relationship as a result) and I can't help but think if she really wanted to be around more, she would do it.

It's so upsetting and if I'm honest I find it embarrassing when my friends Mum's ask if I have any help and I have to say no (I know this bit is unreasonable and I'm lucky my Mum is around even if not helping, I'm just being honest). My friends all have villages and I'm a bit jealous. I just never in a million years thought I'd have to go through early motherhood without my Mum's help and support.

When I'm not sad, I'm mad and I've thought about being less accommodating of her drop-in visits, but I know that's just mean and I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

AIBU to feel abandoned by her?

Although you say it’s not, it’s obviously to help with your LO as you are working part time and have no childcare and expected your mum to help out. You don’t like the responses from people are now trying to change it to you wanting to spend time with her.

Pay for your own childcare and let your mum live her life. Stop being entitled.

It sounds like you are making all the moves to see your mum but she’s not able to prioritise you.
Have you tried reaching out to your sister and her children more?

Good point.

"We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful"

This is why you need childcare. Not having it is having a negative effect on all of you.

But I'm only working a couple of hours a week now?

I probably shouldn't have mentioned that at the top, it's just context and is not the main issue.

You come across very entitled. In no way are you abandoned and you mustn't insist on your mum stopping working unless it's damaging to her health. Any other reason is an unfair pressure on her, imo. She is her own person capable to making her own decisions. You can be disappointed in them, but that is on you entirely.

Maybe she loves her work? For some people their work is very much a big part of their lives. I'm very fortunate to love my job and even if I could retire wouldn't.

Firstly, stop expecting more from your mother than you do from your own partner, the father of this child. You seem to accept he can disappear 5 days a week because you like the money it brings in, well maybe your mum likes the money her work brings in too. If you need more support, he needs to change his working hours, as its his company, he's able to do this.

I know you want to see your mum more, but it's not reasonable to expecther to work less in order to facilitate that.

Secondly you seem to have a worrying lack of empathy for your mum, it's all about your picture, what you want to see. This is a woman of retirement age still working 6 days week and drinking on her day off. That does not scream happiness. She may also be nervous of retiring, it's big life change, many people feel useless once they retire, she may be scared of this, which you don't seem to have even considered.

Dear OP I fully understand where you're coming from and ignore the judgy harsh comments. It's not entitlement to want to spend more time with your mother and also have her spend time supporting you with her grandchild. You're not asking for a daycare service. You're also speaking from how your family dynamic is and when your dynamic is a certain way you expect things to be a certain way. You honestly can't win on the Internet these days. Speak to her and tell her all these things and how her busyness is affecting your relationship and others around her and even herself(6 days is a lot near retirement). If she doesn't oblige I would just heal and release any expectation. Hopefully she'll come around but if not the village you need will eventually be there, sometimes you have to look for it or create it.