To feel abandoned by my Mum

[Lovelamp]

DH and I have a 7mo LO. I work part time from home around baby, he works FT outside of the home. Both self employed running a company. He works away occasionally, a lot over next few months but nothing can be done about that. We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful, but we are on the up now.

I've always been close to my Mum but less so over the last few years as she has had some lifestyle changes that have affected her time - a new partner and new job that she works 6 days a week (neither new any more). We are an open and honest family and since before I became pregnant i had a couple of frank conversations with her about it being hard to maintain our relationship because of how busy she is etc. She doesn't even have time to speak on the phone most of the time. When I was pregnant and we had conversations about it and she promised that she would semi-retire in January (now) after getting her state pension in December and would be around more and able to offer help and support. She has reminded me of this willingly quite a few times since LO was born. It's not just for help that I want her to do it, she has no time to spend with people inc her partner, my sister, other grandchildren etc. She has no life.

At the moment whenever we do see her, it's about an hour once a week and it's on her terms if she finishes work early, which we don't find out about until on the day.

I have no other family who can offer practical support and my in laws live over an hour away so although they can help if we really need it, it's not a day to day thing.

Well it's January and there is no sign of her working less. I've brought it up a couple of times (as has her partner) and we just get brushed off. I just feel so sad about it. She helped loads with my sister's kids when they were little (and they have a lovely close relationship as a result) and I can't help but think if she really wanted to be around more, she would do it.

It's so upsetting and if I'm honest I find it embarrassing when my friends Mum's ask if I have any help and I have to say no (I know this bit is unreasonable and I'm lucky my Mum is around even if not helping, I'm just being honest). My friends all have villages and I'm a bit jealous. I just never in a million years thought I'd have to go through early motherhood without my Mum's help and support.

When I'm not sad, I'm mad and I've thought about being less accommodating of her drop-in visits, but I know that's just mean and I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

AIBU to feel abandoned by her?

Because it's a pretty existential change in someone's life, and specially postpartum is quite a vulnerable period. My mum came to visit me as often as she could and having her support, her care, her attention as a mum to me, as well as a grandma to my children, was priceless and really, really helped. When you're a mum, you tend to give so much of yourself caring for your children, having your own mum caring for you once in a while is really precious. I'm not talking about my mum treating me like a child at all, but she was/is really supportive, specially when I was really struggling and I needed a shoulder to cry on that wasn't my DP (some things, only another mum would understand them).

She hasnt abandoned you, dont be silly. Her kids are grown and independent and she's living her life, which she has every to do.

You do sound a little resentful, but i can understand that, but theres nothing you can do. Have you spoken to her?

Support is needed, yes, not sure about mothering.

If someone I knew had started working 6 days a week and not been available to even talk on the phone, both coinciding with a new partner, I'd be worried they were being abused, including financially abused.

I understand why you would say that but this isn't a concern.

The attitudes on here make it really clear why so many new parents struggle. Being an adult doesn’t mean never needing support, or wanting to be with the people you love. If that’s growing up then I’m a shit grown up.
if my mum had said she wanted to spend lots of time with DD and I and then didn’t do that I would have felt hurt too.
im really hearing that you feel disappointed and lonely OP and that makes me feel sad for you. I think maybe you just need to accept that your mum for whatever reasons isn’t going to be there as she said. I agree that meeting more people and building that “village” outside of family is important. Some on my closest friends now are from when DD was tiny, 12 years ago!

I have been on occasion, but no I’m not worried. She definitely drinks more than she should, but I don't think she's an alcoholic, functional or otherwise. I'd say that a combination of her generation and demographic has led her to believe that alcohol is the only way to unwind and the main thing to do in your leisure time. She has no other interests!

She's probably just looking down the pipeline, rising utility, fuel and food costs and talk of undoing the state pension triple lock. It might feel like working if she still can is the safe bet.

@Lovelamp you are actually sounding really entitled!! this is not about her having time to herself, it is about providing you with childcare!! you are a mum and you just have to adjust to it and do it yourself! even babies sleep sometimes!

She 100% does not know what the triple lock is

❤️ thanks for your understanding. I think you're right and I'll continue trying to build my village outside of my immediate family.

My MIL raised 3 kids, and then had her daughters children regularly and for weeks on end during school holidays etc.
By the time me and DH and BIL and SIL had kids, she was having none of it, just had enough of little children I think!
It’s a shame as she’s not as close to the younger kids, but it is what it is, poor woman was just exhausted I think!
If she’s not just bored of babies, maybe your mum enjoys working more than you think? Or maybe needs to work financially more than you realise.

She sounds like a workaholic?

Why is she working 6 days a week at 66 in receipt of her state pension?

Could she be being domestically abused by a controlling partner?

Re your situation you need formal childcare both for you & LO.

Oh it's been no secret in the family that I wouldn't get the same level of help my sister got. I don't have a problem with that at all.

She's so lovely with my LO when she's here, and she's delighted I've finally had a child (or at least she says so!). On reflection I think she really loves me and my LO and she's offered to be around to help because she thinks she should, but deep down she doesn't actually want to.

When she's here she always offers to take baby out for a walk and give me time alone - but I usually refuse as that's not what I want, I want to spend time with her. All that said maybe subconsciously she is worried that if she's available more she's going to get lumbered with a lot of childcare, as she did with my sister. I think she likes the excuse to get away / offer / pop in at her will.

Yes I do think we have workaholic tendencies in the family tbh.

No I don't think her partner is controlling.

Can I ask why you think formal childcare is necessary?

She has got a life - she’s living the life she wants to 🤷‍♀️

Shes done all the child rearing, doesn’t want to get involved, and now she wants life to be more about her.

Perfectly normal. 🙂

This. You are imposing your own expectations on her based around your need for support. Of course she doesn't have lots of time to chat on the phone if she works 6 days a week.

Perhaps she enjoys her work and this is part of her identity. She should retire when she wants to and you need to stop banging on about it.

I agree with the formal childcare too. Me.and my partner worked full time while my 1st was at nursery part time and the days she was home with us when we were wfh, trying to split the day between us, were really, really, really rough. Always feeling like you're failing at everything f because you can't give your all to anything, always needing to catch up for lost hours in the evening and in the weekend, very little time left for freetime. It was quite miserable.

What do ppl do who ha ent got a mum they just get on with it.

This is your husband problem to help with and not your mum's

Perhaps she likes working. It's not for you to put pressure on her to make different choices.

Yes, but unless the reason they haven't got a mum is that she's a nightmare and they're no contact, they would be entitled to be sad about it.
I don't think having a mum who makes noises about spending time with you and then pretends she didn't say it is that much better.

Very good point in the final paragraph here. @Lovelamp you’ve also said that you’re not using formal childcare, which as others have pointed out is not ideal as you’re not doing either role (work/ childcare) fully. This will be adding to your stress, especially as you say in another post that your DP is away Monday-Friday.

Another thing to mention is that if your sister is several years older than you, your mum probably had more energy at that point for helping with childcare/ babysitting. Combine that with how much she’s working, and it’s not surprising that she doesn’t have much time to spend with you, as disappointing as that may be.

To be fair if my kids expect DH/I to retire before we medically need to (like everyone our age, we could, but why???), I’d think they were one roll short of the dozen. If it’s so we could help with kids etc I’d be less than impressed. We never had help as no relatives closer than several hours drive away and most a flight. We just pulled up the big people pants and got on with it, including some kids with SEN and physical disabilities. Hard but doable. When we retire it will be because we are no longer physically or mentally capable of working as we have that work ethic.

I’m sure there will be a brigade arriving saying hope you never need help/expect anyone to visit you later in life then. Personally, I think that’s quite ingenious in a way. Making sure kids have exactly what they need educationally/pastorally including paying private school fees if that was what a child needed, paying for expensive sports/hobbies throughout childhood/teenage/uni years, paying to put them through uni, paying privately for reduced waiting times for required surgeries, supporting them to get on the ladder in a tough housing market etc. Somehow it would all count for nothing should you not quit your job and commit yourself to assisting your grown children look after their children. Tis the way Mumsnet works.

I feel so sorry for you as you sound like you really love your Mum and you're missing her. I don't know what the answer is other than to keep up the communication, even if it is one-sided, and be open to her fleeting visits.

Meanwhile, others are right to encourage you to build your 'village' with friends. My own mother wasn't great with young children so I developed strong friendships with people my own age and we helped each other through hard times and enjoyed the good times. My two best friends (of over 40 years now) didn't have close relationships with their mothers so we were well suited.

Look after yourself and don't feel guilty for wanting more of your Mum's company or involvement.