To feel abandoned by my Mum

[Lovelamp]

DH and I have a 7mo LO. I work part time from home around baby, he works FT outside of the home. Both self employed running a company. He works away occasionally, a lot over next few months but nothing can be done about that. We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful, but we are on the up now.

I've always been close to my Mum but less so over the last few years as she has had some lifestyle changes that have affected her time - a new partner and new job that she works 6 days a week (neither new any more). We are an open and honest family and since before I became pregnant i had a couple of frank conversations with her about it being hard to maintain our relationship because of how busy she is etc. She doesn't even have time to speak on the phone most of the time. When I was pregnant and we had conversations about it and she promised that she would semi-retire in January (now) after getting her state pension in December and would be around more and able to offer help and support. She has reminded me of this willingly quite a few times since LO was born. It's not just for help that I want her to do it, she has no time to spend with people inc her partner, my sister, other grandchildren etc. She has no life.

At the moment whenever we do see her, it's about an hour once a week and it's on her terms if she finishes work early, which we don't find out about until on the day.

I have no other family who can offer practical support and my in laws live over an hour away so although they can help if we really need it, it's not a day to day thing.

Well it's January and there is no sign of her working less. I've brought it up a couple of times (as has her partner) and we just get brushed off. I just feel so sad about it. She helped loads with my sister's kids when they were little (and they have a lovely close relationship as a result) and I can't help but think if she really wanted to be around more, she would do it.

It's so upsetting and if I'm honest I find it embarrassing when my friends Mum's ask if I have any help and I have to say no (I know this bit is unreasonable and I'm lucky my Mum is around even if not helping, I'm just being honest). My friends all have villages and I'm a bit jealous. I just never in a million years thought I'd have to go through early motherhood without my Mum's help and support.

When I'm not sad, I'm mad and I've thought about being less accommodating of her drop-in visits, but I know that's just mean and I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

AIBU to feel abandoned by her?

Your mother has a life, OP - good for her! She is under no obligation to provide childcare for you. Or to bail you put so you can have treats. I get that you and your partner work hard, but did you not plan properly for this before you decided to have a baby?
Just be glad your mother is fit, active and happy.

have only read OPs comments. It is "wah wah wah i chose to have a baby and my mum is living her best life and can't give me all the free childcare my other friends have wah wah wah"

Instead of a) being pleased for your mum and b) arranging your life with your partner so you both share the load of working and family stuff.

And i am always sceptical about so many posters who have friends who are aghast that granny isn't prostrating herself to support their daughters - i have never ever encountered that in my life.

I would think about trying to involve your in-laws a but more as to be honest it DOES sound like your mum has made her choice.

An hour is not that far away. Plan to meet MIL in the middle for a day or invite her to yours for the day and you visit her? Plan a night out and ask her to stay over or go their way for a date night?

I agree with the pp, you sound lonely - totally understandable that you want your mum. Have you shared how you feel with her? Perhaps she's worried about leaving work and falling into doing regular childcare? Have you made it clear that's not what you're wanting?

I'd look at childcare options if you can afford it - babies are hard work, especially when you're trying to run a business around them. Part time childcare will alleviate some of that pressure you're probably feeling and perhaps reassure your mum that you just want your mum, not a babysitter.

Thank you for your empathetic response. I really am more upset about her not being around as opposed to any potential childcare, despite what other posters are trying to make out.

I am not that close to my sister and she too works long hours, but I do enjoy spending time with her occasionally and I should reach out to her more. I also have a couple of friends who have very recently went on maternity leave themselves, which is going to be lovely. DH is a supportive husband and father, but working away means 4am Monday until 7pm Friday, which can be tough.

I just love my Mum so much and it's not how I imagined this period of my life would be. I am so happy she has a partner and I want her to have a full life, I just wish there was more room for me and my LO in that full life. I guess I just have to make peace with that and make the most of what she can offer, as I really don't want our relationship to suffer more.

My Mum doesn’t live in the UK, my DP doesn’t have any contact with his Mum and both of our Dads have died. We knew all of these things before we decided to have a baby and planned accordingly.

It’s hard, of course it’s hard when there’s a tiny person needing you every minute of every day whilst still needing to earn money to keep food on the table, but it’s a choice you made and you need to find solutions without expecting your Mum to sacrifice her own time to help you. It would be nice if she wanted to, but she doesn’t have to.

It doesn’t sound like she has abandoned you, she just isn’t prioritising you, which she no longer needs to.
If you see her almost every week, that’s more than most people have.
I think you need to organise alternative childcare and completely get rid of the idea that your Mum should be helping.
Then try and organise future plans with your Mum that are less “look after my kid” and more “I miss you”. Organise a date in a month’s time and then she might find it easier to make herself free for it x

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable. She will have her own reasons for wanting to carry on working, you can't expect her to give up work because you want her to look after your child.
She hasn't abandoned you but she is prioritising her own life. Which surely is ok at this stage of her life?

Maybe your mum just isn't that interested in coming round and playing grandma.
She sounds quite busy and has her own life.
Have you said it would be nice to see her just for a cuppa? Maybe she thinks you are expecting her to look after the baby and go off and leave her.

Was she involved with sisters kids when they were babies? Is she one of those who deal better with older children?

In the kindest way op grow up your a mum now this is what you wanted and you have responsibility now for the next 18 years your child comes first before you.
Just how it was for your mum.
Your mum has her own life now shes done her child raising years she is now living her life how she wants.
She not there to play mummy any more or to give you free child care.
You choose to have a baby and thats your responsibility not hers.

@Lovelamp nobody is trying to 'make anything out'. Replies are based on what you've written. Do you have a good network of friends who might support/encourage you? A DH who helps with LO? A good childcare facility? You need to make a network instead of hoping your mum will change - much as it might hurt that she isn't more involved, it's her life.

OP, I think you're having a hard time here. But I also think you need to think about your mum's point of view. Your mum is probably afraid to retire, because of the drop in income, maybe she feels guilty that she half-promised to spend more time with you but cannot bring herself to drop hours, she has friends (ok, maybe at work but she will enjoy being with them) and a partner and a house to clean and other stuff to do...

Being a mother of a daughter who has a baby can be complicated. Sometimes you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Make yourself more mum-friends, cut your mum some slack and try to see her whenever she's not working - (but you may need to make an appointment!).,

I think you need to change your perspective really. The tone of your post is all about you feeling hard done by. You want more of your mum's time and help, you're not happy she hasn't reduced her hours as she said. You're feeling hurt and from what you've said you've made this clear to your mum (several times).
I'd ask you to flip this round and see things from her perspective. She's presumably an older lady who's worried about her finances and can't afford to retire. She's working six days a week which is my idea of hell. She must be tired and seriously lacking in down time. She still makes time to see you each week even though she probably has loads to do and is tired - but can probably sense you're upset with her and want more from her.
If I was you, yes I'd feel sad that I couldn't have more time with my mum but I do think I'd be more empathetic and concerned for her. I wouldn't tell her off and tell her I struggled to maintain a relationship with her (that must have hurt!). I'd actually be thinking about how i could help her rather than what she could do for me.
I'd say this "Mum, I miss you. I wish we could have more time together but I know it's not possible at the moment. I worry you're working too hard. You raised a family and now you're working 6 days a week when you should be thinking about retirement. You must be exhausted! How about one night after work you come to our house. You can put your feet up with a glass of wine and we'll make you dinner. If you prefer I can take you out for lunch one weekend."

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat thanks for your reply, I think I'm getting a hard time too, but I did post on Mumsnet so what did I expect 😂.

I do think she is afraid to retire / work less, but it's not only about money. It's so frustrating as she doesn't like the job, she works alone so it's not about friends there. She does often say she doesn't even have time to clean the house so you've hit the nail on the head there! If she loved her job or was out there living her best life as some PP's have referred to, I'd probably find it easier to be more understanding. She does just love being busy, which I do relate to as I'm the same.

I appreciate you sharing that it's hard being the mother of a daughter who has a baby. I will try and cut her more slack and be a bit more persistent in trying to book an appointment to see her properly! Thank you xx

Gordon Bennett! Having the baby is your responsibility, do you think your mum had lots of people around to help her when she was bringing you up? The early days of having a baby are tough for everyone, with or without help.

I know that I sound really harsh on you but very few mothers get the help that books and films seem to suggest that they might. You worry and push your way through it but you do come through it.

I think you are clearly feeling sorry for yourself at the moment as life is hard. However think about how this has come across on this thread and therefore how your honest conversations have maybe come across to your mum. Try to find some ways to solve your issues without it being your mum's fault/issue. Look for ways to support your mum and you may find your relationship improves. I wonder if you are really missing your partner during the week and missing your mum as fill in company. You have a relationship as well as her and maybe need to focus on finding ways for your DH to be around more.

I know how you feel, and it's completely natural to need your mum when you become a mum yourself. You need mothering right now and your mum isn't available for that, and that hurts. My parents and my in-laws are all abroad so it's really hard as we don't see them regularly at all, which makes creating the bond with the grandkids difficult, tbh. And I'm not gonna lie, having the free, accessible childcare now and again so my partner and I could have some time together would be nice, but I've made peace with the fact that won't happen, and we'll need to wait for the kids to be older and pay for babysitters now and then.
It's OK to mourn the situation you wish you had. It's OK to feel jealous and angry that others have that on tap and not you. There's not much you can do but make peace with it, I'm afraid. You'll get through this and hopefully when your mum has more time, you'll have quality time with her.

Just to add too that she may not want to 'intrude' on your relationship, both with your DP and your baby. There's a world of difference between 'wanting' to come and see you and the baby and actually being able to, too.

I hope you work out some time to see your mum.

Once a week is quite a lot and I’m surprised your 7 month old doesn’t recognise her. We saw my grandma much less frequently and while I can’t remember being a baby, my brother and I had a great relationship with her and it was special when we saw her.

It does sound like she’s doing a lot with work and social life and if I were her daughter I’d be hoping she eased off a bit but I don’t think you should really be aggrieved.

You probably know and do this already but if ever you do broach it, couching it in the positive about wanting to spend more time with her is much more positive than couching it in terms of her missing out on the baby. People tend to dodge guilt and you don’t what that dynamic at play. If every time she pops round she gets puppy dog eyes from you and suspects reproach behind tales of exhaustion then she may not be enjoying her time with you all.

I wonder if the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree too as I think from your post you haven’t really taken proper maternity leave and this is probably increasing the pressure on you. Was it financially impossible for you not to work during this time or was it at least in part a choice?

Thanks for your response, I appreciate what you're saying and how some of my posts have probably come across.

I have invited her for dinner on many occasions, she isn't interested - on a weeknight she is too tired (completely fair). I've offered to have her and her partner for Sunday lunch a lot too - again, she's not interested. She's kind of set in her ways and she'd rather go out drinking on her day off (again, fair, whatever she wants).

We've taken them out for Sunday lunch a couple of times but tbh shes more interested in getting rid of us so her they can go to pubs afterwards. I don't begrudge her this, but it would be lovely to see her once a month or so in a nice relaxed setting that isn't her calling in for an hour after work or squeezing us in at the start of other plans.

@MagnoliaGirlie why does OP need mothering?

Friends can be a village too. 💐

No you aren't coming across as a bellend. You come across like you miss your mum and really want her around at this early motherhood time.

When my DGC was born, my DD was living abroad. I managed to spend 6 weeks with them across different visits in
DGC's first few months, partly staying with them and partly giving space but being around, because to me that was a time people need their mum's, or at least want to know they are around in case they do need them, and it's a chance to bond with DGC. We were always close.

Now, several years later, she never calls, doesn't even respond to texts for several days, never makes time to put DGC on the phone or for a video call. She is working hard, has lots of friends and a busy social life of which I see lots of pics on social media. I'm happy for her, but desperately miss my daughter. I don't think 'getting on and living your life' is meant to exclude making time for your family, except in our modern individualistic culture where people have come to see 'family' and 'living your life' as separate things.

However as some others have said, maybe she is struggling financially?

Have you openly told her that you miss her?

@Lovelamp are you concerned about your mother's drinking? Not saying someone drinking on their day off is any actual reason for concern, but if she's choosing that as he main way to relax when she's off then it's not ideal. Not sure how you'd approach that one though.

I can understand you feeling disappointed she is not as available as you'd hoped, but abandoned no!
Kindly she is living her life as she wants
She may feel you just want childcare as you have mentioned it frequently in your post
Most people do not have, nor need a " village" to help bring up your child.
Your mistake is to compare your situation to friends who you perceive do have this.
Things are not always as they appear.
When I had my first DC, we were living with my seriously unwell DM and juggling caring for my child and her!
To others it must have looked like I had childcare on tap.
Make the best of your situation.. and create your own " village" which doesn't have to be family.