To feel abandoned by my Mum

[Lovelamp]

DH and I have a 7mo LO. I work part time from home around baby, he works FT outside of the home. Both self employed running a company. He works away occasionally, a lot over next few months but nothing can be done about that. We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful, but we are on the up now.

I've always been close to my Mum but less so over the last few years as she has had some lifestyle changes that have affected her time - a new partner and new job that she works 6 days a week (neither new any more). We are an open and honest family and since before I became pregnant i had a couple of frank conversations with her about it being hard to maintain our relationship because of how busy she is etc. She doesn't even have time to speak on the phone most of the time. When I was pregnant and we had conversations about it and she promised that she would semi-retire in January (now) after getting her state pension in December and would be around more and able to offer help and support. She has reminded me of this willingly quite a few times since LO was born. It's not just for help that I want her to do it, she has no time to spend with people inc her partner, my sister, other grandchildren etc. She has no life.

At the moment whenever we do see her, it's about an hour once a week and it's on her terms if she finishes work early, which we don't find out about until on the day.

I have no other family who can offer practical support and my in laws live over an hour away so although they can help if we really need it, it's not a day to day thing.

Well it's January and there is no sign of her working less. I've brought it up a couple of times (as has her partner) and we just get brushed off. I just feel so sad about it. She helped loads with my sister's kids when they were little (and they have a lovely close relationship as a result) and I can't help but think if she really wanted to be around more, she would do it.

It's so upsetting and if I'm honest I find it embarrassing when my friends Mum's ask if I have any help and I have to say no (I know this bit is unreasonable and I'm lucky my Mum is around even if not helping, I'm just being honest). My friends all have villages and I'm a bit jealous. I just never in a million years thought I'd have to go through early motherhood without my Mum's help and support.

When I'm not sad, I'm mad and I've thought about being less accommodating of her drop-in visits, but I know that's just mean and I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

AIBU to feel abandoned by her?

@Babymamamama @sandrapinchedmysandwich I am not pressuring her. I did not proactively bring it up between my LO being born and this month. She brought it up quite a few times. I have mentioned it to her once or twice this month as in "are you still planning on dropping your hours at work". I'm actually not bringing it up because I don't want her to feel pressured.

I imagine she’s keeping the job as it means she has control over her own life. If she leaves then she has to be at everyone’s beck and call as Mum and Grandma.

Sometimes you get to a point where you’re exhausted from being needed for decades and just want to be a person in your own right, if that makes sense?

But you don’t want her to give up work to have time for herself. You want her have time for you and LO. So when you come to her about it, regardless of wether you mean to it just looks self serving.

maybe she doesn’t feel ready to retire no that it’s here, or doesn’t want to have less money etc. it’s a big step, let her get there in her own time.

I think you might need to organise some paid childcare even one day a week. Stop waiting on your mum to retire , be proactive.

Yes that makes sense and I think you're right. It's a shame if she does feel that way, if much rather she work a bit less and just draw clear boundaries about what she does / doesn't want to do in terms of helping or hanging out with us. I want her to have a full life too. For so many years we were her life, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing!!

So many older people don’t want other to know when they’re retired or on reduced hours as there just becomes this HUGE expectation for childcare and errands and hospital appointments.

especially women. Family members making continuous plans for your free time.

I don't want her to give up work. I'd like her to reduce her hours. I want her to do it because she said she wanted to and also so she can live a fuller life, part of that fuller life being for me and her GC and her partner to spend more time with her. More than one thing can be true.

Thanks for your understanding. I'll take yours and others advice about building a village. X

I have no huge expectations of childcare or other help. I've been self sufficient from my parents for the majority of my adult life and have no plans to change that.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. It's her life, not yours! You sound so immature, grow up and sort you're on child care out and if you want more of a relationship, fit in with her busy life. I hope she is able to retire soon and enjoy life with her partner, rather than having to be at your beck and call !

How do you know she will spend more time with you lol when she's retired.
She might take out a membership at the local gym or go travelling.

I hear you Op, it’s sad. I’ve got friends with doting grand parents, huge families with cousins, aunties, uncles falling over themselves to help. They go away on holidays together, some take the kids away for a week so the parents get a break!

My Mum hasn’t ever come to us, can’t be bothered and makes no effort at all. it’s been months since she called. It makes me so sad, but I won’t change her and have to make the most of my friend network, who do like to hang out with me!
But I know how sad it is.

So many helpful responses, thank you. A healthy number of judgemental responses as always too 😂 which have actually also been helpful on this occasion as it made me say how many people think it's all about childcare when it's not.

For once, I'm glad I posted here as I do feel I've got some different perspectives and it's made me think about the situation a bit differently. Despite the fact that I've turned down nearly every childcare offer she's given me since my child was born, I do think that my mum is perhaps anxious that when she reduces her hours, she will get lumbered with more childcare than she wants to do.

While I like to think that she knows me well enough for this to not be the case, she really did go above and beyond with my sister's children. It hasn't occurred to me that she might think this will be expected of her or even that she might expect it of herself (she does like to make us all equal!).

I genuinely do only want the best for her, and I'd like to see her drop her hours even if she did so without any intention to spend more time with us (although obviously that would be upsetting!).

I'm lucky to have a good relationship with her where we can talk openly and honestly. I'm going to bring it up with her again, from a different angle, and make sure she knows that there will be no significant childcare expectation on her if and when she decides to reduce her hours at work. I genuinely just want my mum around a bit more!

I get it OP and I do think you are getting a hard time here.

As it turned out my parents emigrated on retirement so weren't around at all for visits etc. when dd was born. DH and I don't have any family around and used nursery care for DD which was fine and we'd have done this anyway but having someone to call on for an emergency would have been nice whether a grandparent or aunt. But that's modern life for you.

My parents show no interest in my daughter and live very far away so I just get on with things.

As Mel Robbins says 'Let them' - you have to let people do as they please as you won't change them but you have a choice as to how to react to that.

In your position I'd let your Mum do as she wishes. The plus side is you can do as you wish too so build your life with friends and your nuclear family as your main focus.

I think the upset here is that you thought things would be different and I do feel for you.

Clean her house for her then.

Yabu. Stop trying to control how she lives her life and pay for some childcare if you need it.

Mel Robbins - Let them

My son was in the British Army for many years. He was abroad for most of it. He married a woman from another country. I have met her once. They have three children. I met the eldest one as a baby, but not the other two. I get regular updates via the parents' Facebook pages, and it appears that they are all doing very well. I think that it's unlikely that I will ever see them in real life, but that's OK. They live 400+ miles away.

You say there's no expectation of childcare, but then you casually mention wanting to have your nails done. I bet your mum feels like I'd she comes for dinner she will be expected to engage with the baby rather than relax after 6 days of work. I, too, would rather go out drinking. She's had enough of babies. She is clearly not buying you 'missing her' that's why she makes sure your meetings are brief, and she has something to be right thereafter. Pay for childcare like everyone else, rather than analysing your mum's life, how much she drinks, how much she works, where she goes. Honestly.

But why doesn't she have much time for him either?

And I'd be hurt if my mum had preferred the pub to me and my family every time!

@Nanny0gg I am hurt!

Honestly. 😂

Don't know about your family @PierceMorgansChin but in mine we don't manipulate each other, we say what we mean and mean what we say.

Are you sure? Mu mum has never avoided me, but I've never tried to use her as a babysitter. I was attending gym daily, had my hair and nails done, paid for childcare or asked friends to have my baby and I would have theirs when they needed. You keep saying how honest and open your family is but your mum actively avoids you and you are posting on MN instead of talking to her. So much for that amazing communication

@Lovelamp I'm really sorry this is happening. To me, it's naturally normal to want your mum with you, especially as you were very close.

I couldn't have done without my mum. She lived on the opposition of our city but came over every morning. I really needed her emotional support and advice - not childcare.

It's opposite now, my mum had dementia and it's my turn to support her.

I wish you all the best, motherhood is tough, I didn't take to it immediately and my mum helped me become the mum I am now.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum. Sending love ❤️