To feel abandoned by my Mum

[Lovelamp]

DH and I have a 7mo LO. I work part time from home around baby, he works FT outside of the home. Both self employed running a company. He works away occasionally, a lot over next few months but nothing can be done about that. We have had a tough few months with work since LO was born and I've had to work a lot without childcare help. It has been v stressful, but we are on the up now.

I've always been close to my Mum but less so over the last few years as she has had some lifestyle changes that have affected her time - a new partner and new job that she works 6 days a week (neither new any more). We are an open and honest family and since before I became pregnant i had a couple of frank conversations with her about it being hard to maintain our relationship because of how busy she is etc. She doesn't even have time to speak on the phone most of the time. When I was pregnant and we had conversations about it and she promised that she would semi-retire in January (now) after getting her state pension in December and would be around more and able to offer help and support. She has reminded me of this willingly quite a few times since LO was born. It's not just for help that I want her to do it, she has no time to spend with people inc her partner, my sister, other grandchildren etc. She has no life.

At the moment whenever we do see her, it's about an hour once a week and it's on her terms if she finishes work early, which we don't find out about until on the day.

I have no other family who can offer practical support and my in laws live over an hour away so although they can help if we really need it, it's not a day to day thing.

Well it's January and there is no sign of her working less. I've brought it up a couple of times (as has her partner) and we just get brushed off. I just feel so sad about it. She helped loads with my sister's kids when they were little (and they have a lovely close relationship as a result) and I can't help but think if she really wanted to be around more, she would do it.

It's so upsetting and if I'm honest I find it embarrassing when my friends Mum's ask if I have any help and I have to say no (I know this bit is unreasonable and I'm lucky my Mum is around even if not helping, I'm just being honest). My friends all have villages and I'm a bit jealous. I just never in a million years thought I'd have to go through early motherhood without my Mum's help and support.

When I'm not sad, I'm mad and I've thought about being less accommodating of her drop-in visits, but I know that's just mean and I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

AIBU to feel abandoned by her?

Your mother is allowed to live her own life.
(lucky she got there, imo).
If you decided to have a child, it does come with vast, life-changing consequences.
I presumed adults were aware of this.

All I'm hearing is how she should be helping you and how her lifestyle affects you. God, how entitled 😬

It’s possible that she was able fo afford to work less when your sister had her kids. These days many are working all hours under the sun to keep their head above water. If she’s working 6 days then it’s unfair to expect her to run around for other people.

She was able to afford to work less then, and I have said I do not have expectations to get what my sister got.

It's not only about the child though is it. If you read my post, I found the situation upsetting before I was even pregnant.

It's about the effort that goes into maintaining a relationship from both sides. It's not only romantic relationships that take work. Based on some of these comments many people on here seem to have no expectation to maintain a relationship with their parent / child beyond childhood, it's bizarre.

@dottymac think you need your eyes tested

This! To me, it is so natural to bring support to your family and your loved ones in times of need. I helped my mom plenty when she needed it, and my siblings, and vice versa. It's not about childcare, it's about care.

Wow, your mother is working almost every day in the week and you are complaining because she isn't looking after the child YOU chose to have. The world does not revolve around your choices. You are beyond self absorbed.

If I may grab at your last sentence, OP, it's very interesting.
I'm from another country, 45, and the examples I saw for myself as a kid helped me to make a decision not to have any children myself.
Largely people of my age and similar there, they resent their parents being still alive (roughly in their 80s for my generation) and there's very little effort to keep these relationships, as you said, in general.
It's because my parents' generation were, at the best, disgustingly emotionally abusive, worst cases physically.
My step sister is in a MH asylum, my cousin decided he didn't want to live anymore at 28.
Our parents were shit except few.
When rid, people are usually relieved (the 45 -55 age range).
Myself included.
Sorry - dire.

YANBU. Is your child her first grandchild? Some people can't face aging and having to fulfill other roles associated with "old age". Becoming a grandparent can be a great psychological shock to people who lack awareness of their age/stage of life (or self awareness in general). The same is true for many people when becoming parents.
She may not be "abandoning" you on a conscious level, but she certainly seems to want to run away from the new situation.

I think I'm probably older than you and younger than your mum...but when I look forward 10 years or so to when my kids might have their own kids, I'll definitely still be working! Life is expensive, mortgages have long terms...I will absolutely not be retired at that point no matter how much I'd like to be, or even reducing hours. Do you know for sure it's even an option for your mum?

Visun

That's hurtful if she made the effort for your sister. There's nothing you can do about it though. I would just lower my expectations of her and prioritise yourself in future. The village works both ways. Make sure you are too busy if she needs you in future. She can hardly complain when she didnt offer support to you.
Is moving closer to your in laws an option?

This sounds like a quick route to a broken family and even more bitterness!!!

Op I’m sure your mum isn’t trying to leave you out. we all say well try harder to do things but that isn’t really so easy when it comes to practicalities. Most people don’t have a lot of support/ childcare as their parents are older/ working etc and babies are tough!! Try and stop seeing it as you do and just talk to her when you can and ask her to visit more. Tell her you miss her
And arrange a nice night in/ dinner or something fun

It's not her first grandchild, far from it. She became a grandparent at a ludicrously young age. However I do think you're right that there is something going on at a subconscious level.

I'm not asking her to retire. I don't want either of my parents to retire - in our family when you retire, you die 😂

Before I was pregnant I told her how hard it was to maintain a relationship with her as she was never available. When I was pregnant I told her I was concerned she would never see her grandchild.

She said she would reduce her hours in January. She said this many times. She hasn't and she's now being a bit evasive about it. If she doesn't want to, that's fine, just say?

I feel a bit cut adrift and that I haven't had the support (mostly emotional, some practical) that I became accustomed to throughout the first 30 odd years of my life.

I totally understand what you are saying, you aren't unreasonable to feel disappointed by the situation.

I spent years trying to get my mum involved in my children's lives (not childcare) but she always had an excuse as she worked full time and was tired which I understand. By the time my younger brother had kids she was almost retiring and bent over backwards to be there for him and now does regular childcare for them. My children are still asleep primary school and she could do the same for them but she doesn't want to. I understand that my children came along at a different time but she hasn't made any effort to bridge the gap if you like.

It breaks my heart when we are together as a family and I see how she is with my nieces, she knows them so well and is very much a part of their lives. I have went LC as I find it too hurtful as she just doesn't know my children, especially my youngest well at all.

If your mum is state pension age then it is possible she is reaching a point where she is expecting you to start supporting her.

It sounds like you have had children fairly late if she already became a grandma at a young age and is now at state pension age.

You say that she needs to work to keep afloat financially and that even with her state pension kicking in she'd still need to work. You say she doesn't have time to clean her house or keep up with friends.

My ExH and his new wife have just had a baby. His parents are absolutely not supporting him emotionally or financially or any other way because they are old and have some health concerns. Equally, they now need support - his dad just had an operation and needed carers to come in and people to drive him around.

You've had a baby at the point the parent- child relationship starts to change from parent emotionally and practically supporting the child to the adult child supporting the starting to worry about infirmity and ill health parent.

From what you've said your mum is not in a position to support you. Needing to work despite getting state pension is a very financially vulnerable situation to be in and she may have been hoping you would start to help her out.

Obviously with a small baby you won't be helping her out anytime soon.

Appreciate your thoughts.

I don't think she is expecting me (or my sister) to support her practically, financially or otherwise. She is fit and active. I agree her financial situation is worrying and I wish I was in a better situation to support her with that, but unfortunately we've had our own troubles in that department recently. She doesn't particularly like her job but she does enjoy working, I don't think she would stop even if she could and as I've said other posts I don't want her to stop.

Thanks.

The time when I needed childcare badly was the last three months of 2024 and I didn't ask her because I knew she wouldn't be able to help. We managed to muddle through without. I actually work very little now and childcare is no longer something I really want or need, I want to enjoy being a stay at home mum to my child as I felt I didn't get to enjoy that experience last year.

I just find the situation confusing, from my conversations with her (and usually initiated by her) it seems that she wants to be around us more and help, but for some reason she just can't or won't prioritise doing so.

I'm not adverse to putting my child in childcare if I really needed to do so. However I do think I'm more reluctant to do this because my mum has always been very vocal about how she doesn't think "strangers" should look after babies until they're a bit older (18m+). Her opinion not mine before I get flamed! As it stands my child has a place from 15m but I probably could bring this forward if I needed to. But as I've said, childcare not currently a big priority!

If I have understood you correctly, you see your mum at least once a week? Yet you feel abandoned?

It just doesn’t make sense.

If ever you need to go back to work fulltime OP, you will then realise just how difficult it is to maintain relationships with others. It’s really hard. I’m a new grandparent, and work fulltime. I do look after my granddaughter overnight once a month, even though she’s still quite young. But it comes at the expense of not really having time for myself, or me and dh as a couple, as other weekends we also set time aside to meet up with my dd and dgd. I also have to make time at the weekend to take my elderly mum shopping, and have two dogs to walk and housework stuff. Your dm probably would love to be in a position to spend more time with you, but there’s only so many hours in the day.

So you don't work? Apologies if you've already said that and I missed it.
Totally different in that case. She is working 6 days a week and has 1 day off. You might find she doesn't have the most positive feelings towards you not working and still wanting more from her!
I work 5 days and as a PP has said it's nigh on impossible to fit everything into your short time off.

I'm also not sure how you feel abandoned when you see her once a week sorry.

I can reassure you on one issue, @Lovelamp -

My children saw my parents about once every 6 weeks for the first 5 years of their lives and slightly less after that as weekend commitments ramped up because we live over 2 hours apart. They couldn’t have been closer to my parents, their relationships were absolutely lovely.

DS1 would ring to tell my mum terrible jokes every time he heard a new one, DS2 would talk to them for ages the night before each birthday as a Last Night As An X-Year Old tradition, DD insisted on every picture she drew or thing she did be photographed and WhatsApped to my parents so she could chat about it on Facetime later. They had in-jokes, shared special things they did together, and they loved each other very much.

An hour a week is way more regular than 6 weeks. Your child at 7 months is too to notice much but as she grows she can easily have a strong and loving relationship without being in one another’s presence all the time.

I’m sorry you are lonely. I’m sorry your mum has to work so hard and can’t keep on top of other things in her life.

It does get easier.

You say you want her around more to spend time with her, but mention help innumerable times.
As you pointed out, your sister is older and had young children some time ago.
Your Mum's working, not gallivanting around.
Stop pressuring her, arrange your own childcare and make the most of what time you do have with her.
She'll have her reasons for working 6 days a week, so let her be.

@Lovelamp
You write that your in laws live an hour away . How often do you and your family see them? There is a tendency for some Mums to cut out their husband's family. Many in laws are desperate to be asked to help. My sister's son had a baby six months ago. She lives an hour away but will be doing a day a week childcare even though it will mean a very early start and late finish.
Your husband is clearly working long, long hours and he can't easily visit his parents. Might you invite them to do a day a week childcare? They might well be thrilled.
I found the Mums who always had their own mothers in tow were very often claustrophobic and exclusive. The playgroups I go to often have the same pairs of mothers and grandmothers who sit apart from others. Most new mothers are up for making new friends and these can be some of the best friends you will ever make. Be open to having fun meeting other mums. Ditto, explore the opportunity to befriend and make use of your in laws. You might surprise yourself at the strength of these new relationships.