He says 'most women would just laugh', I think he's delusional. Settle a debate please

[TheFairSheep]

Hi all. I paid for my boyfriend to get a tattoo yesterday as a gift as he has wanted one for a while. I saw these messages earlier of a conversation he had with a friend whilst getting the tattoo. I was (I believe) rightfully disgusted and annoyed. He says it was just banter and 'lads being lads'. He apologised but added that most women in relationships would just laugh if they saw those messages and maybe be a little annoyed but I'm overreacting.

We live together and I am pregnant. Am I being unreasonable here? (His friend asked who was doing his tattoo, he sent the screenshot. I have blanked out her details for privacy).

He's a vile, thick, immature, illiterate misogynist.

Neither my DH nor any of our name friends would speak like that.

In fact DH was once part of a WhatsApp group through a hobby where a couple of the blokes came out with shit like that. DH and the rest of them were disgusted and cut contact.

I completely agree.

As I said if she wasn’t pregnant I would definitely end the relationship.

He’s got naked photos on his phone and she’s going through his private messages.

There are way bigger issues than this ‘banter’ with his friend.
The relationship obviously just doesn’t work.

But the poster is pregnant and living with him.
She has no relationship with her parents and has severe MH issues.

If she leaves, where will she go?
What support will she have whilst pregnant and with the new baby?

If this was an abusive relationship then I would tell her to pack a bag and go today.

But I don’t think it’s responsible for posters to be telling OP to leave over a childish message, especially when it’s likely to put her in an even more vulnerable position.

Especially when half the posters actually have more of an issue with the fact he has tattoos/OP has paid for one of them as a gift.

He’s completely disrespectful. He won’t get better and the longer you’re together, the harder it will be to leave and build a better life - one that doesn’t leave you feeling anxious, sad, disrespected etc. whether with another man or alone. ‘Lad’s banter’ like this went out of fashion at the end of the 1990’s!
And for what it’s worth, I’m an English teacher with a tattoo and I am judging him solely on his behaviour and attitude to you.

OP you are obviously intelligent and insightful, it is so sad that you have ended up estranged and isolated - I know how often this can happen. I’m glad you’ve got support from your mental health team, could you speak to them about what is happening here? You really need IRL support. It could be that your family would very much want to hear from you, but this is obviously complicated and will take time if you did want to get back in touch.

Have you accessed any psychological therapy via your mental health team? This can help to improve your self esteem, and therefore your relationships as you are less likely to accept toxic behaviour.

Do you work? I think it’s really important you maintain independence so you aren’t dependent on this man, he cannot be trusted.

Take care of yourself OP.

Ok. Just because you have a mental illness it doesn't mean you have to settle for less. There are people who will love you, bipolar n all. Kind, supportive, empathetic people. You do not deserve this. This man is not what you deserve. Having a mental illness is hard enough without punishing yourself with shitty relationships out of fear of loneliness. If he tells you he's the best you're going to get, he's lying.

You are clearly an insightful person and - despite ignoring it - you do recognise that his behaviour is not right. That puts you in a better position than a lot of women who end up in shit relationships like this. The window to change that is tight now because of the pregnancy. As soon as you have this baby you are somewhat stuck with him (your boyfriend) in your life, as is the baby stuck with him. But you shouldn't force yourself to end it if it's something that doesn't feel right to you. In which case I would strongly suggest that you make plans to separate and co-parent because the less time you and the baby spend with him, the less influence he will have on you both.

Something to be aware of though is if he turns out to be a complete bastard, he could cause you a lot of trouble. It is not unusual for nasty men to use their ex's mental illness as a way to punish and control them; malicious reports to social services, not returning the baby after contact, malicious police reports. Because of that it's very important that you follow your medical/support team's guidance on managing your condition, even if you disagree with it, so that it can't be used against you at a later time. Good luck!

If that is how a grown man communicates, looks like he's illiterate and / or thick as pig shit. Grim :(

😄

Utterly vile. It doesn’t matter if he thinks this is ‘normal’ laddish banter. It’s disgusting so I would be thoroughly put off, no matter how normal or otherwise it is.

I also find the implication that the tattoo artist would be up for ‘a blowy’ with him is beyond gross too. I doubt she is interested in illiterate misogynists. Do they think she would be up for it just because she is (presumably) attractive? Would they feel the same if it was a less attractive woman?

I would be ending the relationship and cutting all ties if it was me. It won’t get better.

Also NO. Why act like a caveman (or woman)?

I think you need to rethink the person you are with and probably get some more support. This person is not respectful to you.

OP I usually wouldn't say this to a pregnant woman but being as you are only 8 weeks along I would seriously consider your options. Parenting is extremely hard and from what you've said here, I don't think this relationship will last so you need to plan for being a single mum. When the relationship ends you'll be co-parenting with this idiot until your child is 18. If he's treating you like this now, he'll be even worse when he's not in a relationship with you.

That’s absolutely disgusting. I wouldn’t laugh and I wouldn’t associate with men who spoke like that.

How fortunate this man has now discovered that you are not "most women".

I think the time has come for your to reconsider your options!

There is ZERO chance of that happening.
This is not a man who is caring and protective, this is a man who wants children for the kudos of being able to dominate and impregnate a woman.
He wants her to be incapacitated and occupied with pregnancy and child rearing so that he has all the power and he is free to do whatever he likes. This will include bigging himself up as much as possible by having it large with the lads and engineering sexual liaisins with as many women whom he can gather into his 'harem'.

You are correct.
The lady tattooist will probably be quite well off and would not piss on this illiterate degenerate if he was on fire.

Gross.

His friend is an illiterate turd with the IQ of a slug and mentality of a horny 14 year old virgin.

Your boyfriend isn't much better, he also attempted to gaslight you on top of it.

Who still uses text speak in an era where we have zero character limit? Bizarre.

Oh God it gets worse. He sounds like a chav.

Thick people.

Op was your pregnancy planned? Does he want to be a father?

I'd think very carefully about continuing with this pregnancy, you'll be tied to this disrespectful dickhead for decades. Doesn't sound like he'll be a positive male role model.

Also why couldn't he pay for his own tattoo?

Lovely. How wonderfully insightful and non-misogynist he is. Seriously is he 12? He doesn’t sound mature enough to be a dad!

Pay for his own tattoo?!
That would be completely counter productive!
He needs to establish the principle that if he wants something she has to pay for it. It's very important to make sure she knows who's boss otherwise she might expect him to help with his own child and that would ruin his leisure time.
He's a man, he must not be restricted in any way. The whole point of having a female partner is that she does all the drudgery, the unpleasant boring low status stuff, she is the one whose life is restricted and diminished whilst he gets all of the glory.

In all seriousness OP don’t settle because you are estranged from your family and feel you have no one else. You can still live a very lonely existence in an unhappy relationship. You deserve better and someone who will love and respect you, have a think about what you want out of life and your next steps and look after yourself.

This ⬆️

That's how I read it, too. I didn't realise that "her" meant the tattooist, not his partner.

It's definitely a worrying exchange.