Page 19 | He says 'most women would just laugh', I think he's delusional. Settle a debate please

TheFairSheep · 2025-01-18T23:30:30+00:00

Hi all. I paid for my boyfriend to get a tattoo yesterday as a gift as he has wanted one for a while. I saw these messages earlier of a conversation he had with a friend whilst getting the tattoo. I was (I believe) rightfully disgusted and annoyed. He says it was just banter and 'lads being lads'. He apologised but added that most women in relationships would just laugh if they saw those messages and maybe be a little annoyed but I'm overreacting. We live together and I am pregnant. Am I being unreasonable here? (His friend asked who was doing his tattoo, he sent the screenshot. I have blanked out her details for privacy).

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2025 11:46

RichardMarxisinnocent · 19/01/2025 10:52

Same here. I initially thought the friend was asking if the tattoo was going to be a picture of the OP giving him oral sex, which seemed veeeeery weird, then I realised it was supposed to be "blowy off her" boy "blowy of her“.

Me too!

BringMeTea · 19/01/2025 11:46

Well I would be gutted and questioning how I had ended up pregnant by a goon like this. And if my dh had friends like this village idiot I would be seriously concerned. I am so sorry OP. I think you know he is no good. I would leave him now before the baby is born. Lots of luck 💐

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2025 11:47

LBFseBrom · 19/01/2025 00:42

Just what I thought but what else can realistically be expected from a chap who wants a tattoo and has a partner willing to buy one for him - for his birthday? It is just too tacky and chavvy for words.

Op, why on earth are you pregnant with this person?

Show quote history

Oh behave.

GogAndMagog · 19/01/2025 11:47

Another pair of Neolithic men with barely a brain cell to rub between them.

Next time you are out, star behaving similarly.

'Oh he could dive into my muff any time. I wish'

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2025 11:48

IdylicDay · 19/01/2025 10:40

Exactly what I wanted to say but didn't have the courage to. I would never be with anyone that had tattoos or even wanted them. It is almost always a certain type of rough person. His attitude is not a surprise.

Show quote history

Hahahaha!

XiCi · 19/01/2025 11:49

Think of the message as a gift from the universe and get out now while you have the chance

Garlicnorth · 19/01/2025 11:51

Oh, OP, I'm sorry I cross-posted with your reply about bipolar disorder. It's great to hear you're on an even keel now and it's understandable that you feel your parents might take what you had to say the wrong way. If it's too risky to talk to them, how are you fixed for sensible friends, an aunt maybe, or do you have a therapist?

Wonderi · 19/01/2025 11:51

Plastictrees · 19/01/2025 11:16

@Wonderi Your partner sending messages saying he wants to engage in a sexual act with another woman, written in a crude and disgusting manner, wouldn’t bother you?

The same partner keeping naked pictures on his phone of another woman and refusing to delete them also wouldn’t bother you?

If he sent the messages then I would have been more annoyed.

But it was his friend who sent them and then he joked back.

There’s nothing to suggest in the messages that he would have gone through with it.

It’s just very childish behaviour.

The bigger issue is OP going through his phone though.

If those were my bfs messages I’d cringe and think it was childish but I wouldn’t end my relationship over it.

However, if my bf had gone through my phone and read my private messages, then I absolutely would end my relationship over it.

CuddlyDodoToy · 19/01/2025 11:52

TheFairSheep · 19/01/2025 11:41

I think the answer to this is far too complicated to really delve into in a mumsnet post, however the crux of it is I have bipolar disorder which has unfortunately resulted in not a total estrangement from my family, but a definite disconnect. True mania can be very very difficult for families to deal with, particularly when it is undiagnosed and therefore unmedicated/untreated and very misunderstood.

I have been diagnosed for years now, on medication and fully engaged with the mental health team. It has however (I fear permananetly) affected my relationship with my family. Isolation breeds loneliness and low self esteem which will have no doubt added to 'putting up' with red flag behaviour.

There's obviously more to it but that's the jist.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear this. Mental illness is a bastard and bipolar is particularly difficult.

I understand the bit about loneliness, but you don't have to settle for this man. You deserve better. He will only make you feel bad about yourself and ultimately, more lonely.

Do your parents know you are pregnant? If you want to continue with the pregnancy (without him) it might be a way of reconnecting with them.

I suspect your relationship has a poor prognosis and that it will end soon, whether you end it or he does. I suggest you take control of the decision and break from him now. You will then have enough time to consider whether continuing with this pregnancy is in your best interests.

Good luck.

TaffetaRustle · 19/01/2025 11:52

@Wonderi the op is pregnant and vulnerable she needs to do everything she can to protect herself

Garlicnorth · 19/01/2025 11:52

Just looked at the poll! Bloody hell, "most women would laugh" my arse! Most women would say get rid of the sleazebag and have clearly explained why.

He says 'most women would just laugh', I think he's delusional. Settle a debate please

Violetpuffin · 19/01/2025 11:53

He is disrespectful - banter as a concept is just a loose term for misogyny. It’s highly unlikely to get better in the future. Were I in your shoes, I’d seriously consider a) staying with him, b) having a child with him.

StrawberryDream24 · 19/01/2025 11:57

I agree on principal I shouldn't have looked through his phone

I don't.

I'd rather you looked and knew.

Tink3rbell30 · 19/01/2025 11:59

Eww why are you shagging that? 🤢 and now bringing a poor baby into it

IdylicDay · 19/01/2025 11:59

TheFairSheep · 19/01/2025 11:41

I think the answer to this is far too complicated to really delve into in a mumsnet post, however the crux of it is I have bipolar disorder which has unfortunately resulted in not a total estrangement from my family, but a definite disconnect. True mania can be very very difficult for families to deal with, particularly when it is undiagnosed and therefore unmedicated/untreated and very misunderstood.

I have been diagnosed for years now, on medication and fully engaged with the mental health team. It has however (I fear permananetly) affected my relationship with my family. Isolation breeds loneliness and low self esteem which will have no doubt added to 'putting up' with red flag behaviour.

There's obviously more to it but that's the jist.

Show quote history

Wouldn't you need to go off your bipolar disorder meds while pregnant? I thought that was always the advice as it can cause severe deformities.

MissUltraViolet · 19/01/2025 11:59

Wonderi · 19/01/2025 11:11

This wouldn’t bother me.

I probably wouldn’t laugh it off as I don’t thin k it’s very funny, I just think it’s
childish, the friend especially and something a 14yo would say.

But I wouldn’t be angry about it.

The bigger issue here is you going through his phone.
The messages are nothing compared to that.

If I was you, I would be able to get over the messages.
If I was him, I don’t think I would be able to get over someone going through my private messages.

I do wonder if he will stay with you after this but to be honest it sounds like this relationship isn’t working anyway.
If you wasn’t pregnant then I’d be advising you to end things as life’s too short.

You’ve read all this and come to the conclusion that he should end things with her, because of her behaviour?

Wow, I guess some women really do deserve men like this.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2025 12:02

TheFairSheep · 19/01/2025 11:41

I think the answer to this is far too complicated to really delve into in a mumsnet post, however the crux of it is I have bipolar disorder which has unfortunately resulted in not a total estrangement from my family, but a definite disconnect. True mania can be very very difficult for families to deal with, particularly when it is undiagnosed and therefore unmedicated/untreated and very misunderstood.

I have been diagnosed for years now, on medication and fully engaged with the mental health team. It has however (I fear permananetly) affected my relationship with my family. Isolation breeds loneliness and low self esteem which will have no doubt added to 'putting up' with red flag behaviour.

There's obviously more to it but that's the jist.

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear this,

Can you reach out to your 'team' about this

Because I feel your life is going to get even harder if you have a child with this excuse for a man
You will be fighting to bring up your child alone whilst dealing with the way he'll treat the pair of you

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/01/2025 12:04

He's wanted a tattoo for a while so you've had to pay for it? He couldn't afford it himself?

OP, this excuse for a man is carrying more than one red flag around with him.

ChristmasFairy2024 · 19/01/2025 12:04

I’m sorry @TheFairSheep but you do not need to be treated this way. I don’t think it’s funny and whilst I know some of my dhs friends ‘banter’ like this I know that he doesn’t. The fact you are bipolar concerns me as I feel he sounds the type to use your mental health against you? You aren’t being unreasonable and regardless of hormones or mental health everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2025 12:04

Wonderi · 19/01/2025 11:51

If he sent the messages then I would have been more annoyed.

But it was his friend who sent them and then he joked back.

There’s nothing to suggest in the messages that he would have gone through with it.

It’s just very childish behaviour.

The bigger issue is OP going through his phone though.

If those were my bfs messages I’d cringe and think it was childish but I wouldn’t end my relationship over it.

However, if my bf had gone through my phone and read my private messages, then I absolutely would end my relationship over it.

Show quote history

No that isn't the biggest issue

And quite frankly he sounds like the kind of dick that would say all that in front of her.

penelopelondon · 19/01/2025 12:07

StrawberryDream24 · 19/01/2025 11:57

I agree on principal I shouldn't have looked through his phone

I don't.

I'd rather you looked and knew.

I agree. I once had serious suspicions of my BF and secretly looked into his phone to see he was hooking up with men for no strings casual sex. I would have never found out had I not looked into his phone. I dumped him the next day. It was not right to look into his phone, but it was much much worse what he was doing. Looking into his phone saved me from a bad marriage and a couple of STD's.

Plastictrees · 19/01/2025 12:12

MissUltraViolet · 19/01/2025 11:59

You’ve read all this and come to the conclusion that he should end things with her, because of her behaviour?

Wow, I guess some women really do deserve men like this.

Show quote history

It’s a ludicrous post, I’m not going to bother to respond to it. Some people really need to raise the bar.

Plastictrees · 19/01/2025 12:14

HollyKnight · 19/01/2025 11:37

It doesn't take 2 years to reveal you're a disgusting misogynist. Look how he talks to her. That won't be a new thing.

Show quote history

Sometimes it does - men tend to keep views like this at least partially hidden at the beginning.

The OP has described having mental health difficulties which have undoubtedly impacted her relationship choices.

The most important thing is moving forwards from this.

WoolySnail · 19/01/2025 12:14

I'm so worried that you're just going to push on and not end things "just because of a few messages".
Its not just about those awful messages, it's part of a bigger picture and I honestly don't see this ending well.
He's shown you who he is with those messages, refusing to delete his ex's nude photo (which he easily could retrieve from his recycled box, and I'd put money on it he did) and many more things that made you think to pick up his phone and check it.
Follow your gut, you know this isn’t right x

unsync · 19/01/2025 12:17

I would not be tying myself to someone like this with a child, especially if you have only been together for two years. Pay attention to what he's been showing you about himself. He has already dismissed and trivialised your feelings. He does not respect you. This will only go one way.