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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not admitting to DH about my sexting with other older men

122 replies

Sundayschildseizestheday · 18/01/2025 22:21

About 10 years ago, I was active online and started chatting sexually to men online. I had some very sexual experiences.

I did this whilst DH was out in secret acting out sexual fantasies online. Ive since found out he knows about it, I didnt delete my chats and he read them. I found out he knows because I read his internet history.

Anytime he subtly and cautiously brings it up I avoid the subject with him and, being totally candent, most of the time remind him of all his faults.

I can see why my actions caused DH to act the way he did and how much its impacted his self esteem. He has changed as a result.

I have no need for the conversation personally, I'm over it, forgotten about until I found out he knew and if I regretted it I think I would have had the conversation by now.

AIBU not having the conversation and taking accountability?

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 19/01/2025 13:19

WhoPutTheBomp · 18/01/2025 22:37

You did the sexting when your husband was secretly out, how does that work, did you not notice his not being at home?

He was secretly out because he wasn’t being candent with her.

PizzaPunk · 19/01/2025 13:22

Sundayschildseizestheday · 19/01/2025 10:37

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

Give it time and he will.

Notimeforaname · 19/01/2025 13:27

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

This is exactly what my abusive ex used to say to me.
You don't care for him or his needs, you have "no need" for a conversation. Therefore you are putting all of your own needs and feelings above his. Lovely. Leave him.

5128gap · 19/01/2025 13:31

Not sure what you're asking? You can obviously avoid the conversation. However it's entirely up to your husband whether he accepts this or not, isn't it? He may decide to insist on threat of leaving you, or maybe just decide to leave you anyway. He knows what you've done and the balls in his court as to how he responds. Not sure what people on here can say to help really. If you're not going to discuss it you'll just have to wait and see what his next move is. Personally if I were him I'd leave you, as you sound very cold and uncaring of his feelings, and I'd not want a partner like that.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 19/01/2025 13:35

This is one of the weirdest MN threads I've read for a while. I don't think OP will be back. I hope her partner wises up.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/01/2025 13:40

You know what this has cost him, how it had harmed him and you can't even be bothered to have a conversation about it, he means that little to you. I hope he realises you don't GAF about him and finds a way to be free of you.

CatsndtheBear · 19/01/2025 14:04

It's either a reverse or you are an incredibly abusive and nasty person indeed.

ginasevern · 19/01/2025 14:08

Yeah hun, you're right. You can do what you like behind your husband's back and if he feels hurt that's tough shit. That's the way any good marriage usually works.

hoxtonbabe · 19/01/2025 14:56

Naunet · 19/01/2025 11:29

Are you seriously this emotionally unintelligent? Do you know what resentment is? Do you love your husband and care for his feelings?

I'm struggling to believe this is a genuine post.

I agree. No way can this be a real
post. The initial post was bad enough but the update is even worse.

orangewasp · 19/01/2025 15:02

I was going to say you're either a massive arsehole or this is a reverse but have just read that it isn't a reverse.

BonneMaman77 · 19/01/2025 15:06

If you wish to stay married and he wants to talk about it why would you not?

All of us have histories, some of us accept that every decision and experience makes us who we are today. Some us prefer to erase some of our past. You’ve made a decision, so you say. But as your husband was impacted directly then he has a right to know or in the least a right to a conversation and answers.

I wonder if you’re afraid of the talk afraid that he will leave you and also maybe not wanting to admit to yourself how your actions in the past make you feel about yourself today.

Mockingjay876 · 19/01/2025 15:28

Really hoped there are no children involved in this shit show.

PurdyPaws · 19/01/2025 15:35

Sundayschildseizestheday · 19/01/2025 10:37

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

What you have done is horrible and the arrogance of not feeling the need for a conversation. He could still leave. I know I would. I hope he does.

Betchyaby · 19/01/2025 15:46

So you're both tiptoeing around a serious issue because he knows, but he doesn't know you know he knows. Sounds healthy.

sometimesmovingforwards · 19/01/2025 15:53

You sound like a wrong ‘un.
And if he knows about this and is still with you, he sounds pathetic.
So on balance, you should just stay together as the odd couple in your own crappy little dysfunctional marriage of deceit and dependency.
Honestly though, nobody else really cares, it’s your crappy lives to live as you see fit.

Likewhatever · 19/01/2025 15:59

There is no love or remorse in your post at all. You’d do it again tomorrow if the urge arose. YANBU not to have the conversation, the only one who will get hurt will be him. I think you should let him go.

Biffbaff · 19/01/2025 15:59

Candent?

CorvusNoir · 19/01/2025 16:48

Biffbaff · 19/01/2025 15:59

Candent?

Candent is a great word. It's an adjective that means 'glowing with heat or emitting light as a result of being heated'. It is now considered an archaic word. Bring it back, I say...

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 19/01/2025 18:25

Sundayschildseizestheday · 19/01/2025 10:37

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

He knows about it - so you have nothing to lose.

If you talk to him, own what you did, then he might gain some sort of trust again, and his self esteem might improve.

Why would you NOT talk to him? He clearly tries to talk to you about it. So do the decent thing and accept his veiled invitation. And don't go on the attack!

Maybe he is staying with you because he fears being alone, or can't face splitting up, or can't afford to split up - none of that makes a good healthy relationship.

Do you actually love him? Care about him?

What are you afraid of?

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 19/01/2025 18:41

@errors what's a reverse? Do you mean the husband is probably the op, & not the wife?

Original poster
Sundayschildseizestheday · 21/01/2025 10:28

Thank you for comments. DH and I had a few drinks over the weekend, it came up.

DH said it had tormented him for years, after reading my messages and seeing this other sexual side to me that I didnt do with him. He said it has lowered his self esteem to a point where he cant look at himself in the mirror. Hes in okay shape but said because some of the men were likely to be uglier and fatter than him and I was soooo open with them sexually it made him feel dreadful. He also finds my comments on his physique insulting given the state of the men I was speaking to so freely.

DH also said he has a real panic inside that he doesnt meet my needs and I wont let him understand my needs properly so thinks Im looking elsewhere for it as well. He also had the cheek to say I wasnt being true to myself.

DH said he is angry, frustrated and is in a cycle of sadness. Thinks my lack of accountability has shown him what level of respect I have for him and how I treat him day to day just compounds all this. I apparently have zero respect and only bothered about myself, saving my image of being a great person.

I pointed out that DH has made lots of mistakes more than me and there was no comparison. He tried to justify his actions to say that it wasnt about keeping score and my actions were my actions, just because he had mistakes doesnt mean mine are irrelevant.

AIBU here in that I was right to not have this conversation? Everything is worse.

OP posts:
Billydavey · 21/01/2025 10:40

Wow

you cheat on him, gaslight him, criticise him, take no responsibility for your actions, divert attention by highlighting his mistakes. You are abusive.

he needs to get out. Poor bloke

KimberleyClark · 21/01/2025 10:47

Biffbaff · 19/01/2025 15:59

Candent?

I think she meant candid.

KimberleyClark · 21/01/2025 10:48

Sundayschildseizestheday · 21/01/2025 10:28

Thank you for comments. DH and I had a few drinks over the weekend, it came up.

DH said it had tormented him for years, after reading my messages and seeing this other sexual side to me that I didnt do with him. He said it has lowered his self esteem to a point where he cant look at himself in the mirror. Hes in okay shape but said because some of the men were likely to be uglier and fatter than him and I was soooo open with them sexually it made him feel dreadful. He also finds my comments on his physique insulting given the state of the men I was speaking to so freely.

DH also said he has a real panic inside that he doesnt meet my needs and I wont let him understand my needs properly so thinks Im looking elsewhere for it as well. He also had the cheek to say I wasnt being true to myself.

DH said he is angry, frustrated and is in a cycle of sadness. Thinks my lack of accountability has shown him what level of respect I have for him and how I treat him day to day just compounds all this. I apparently have zero respect and only bothered about myself, saving my image of being a great person.

I pointed out that DH has made lots of mistakes more than me and there was no comparison. He tried to justify his actions to say that it wasnt about keeping score and my actions were my actions, just because he had mistakes doesnt mean mine are irrelevant.

AIBU here in that I was right to not have this conversation? Everything is worse.

Has he cheated on you or not? It’s not clear from your posts.

Satinscrunchie129 · 21/01/2025 10:53

You have a really limited time on this earth. Do you want to spend it with your DH? If so, get therapy and stop behaving like this.

Or let your DH live his life in peace. You both need help to move forwards.

But life is too short for this sort of thing.