Not admitting to DH about my sexting with other older men

[Sundayschildseizestheday]

About 10 years ago, I was active online and started chatting sexually to men online. I had some very sexual experiences.

I did this whilst DH was out in secret acting out sexual fantasies online. Ive since found out he knows about it, I didnt delete my chats and he read them. I found out he knows because I read his internet history.

Anytime he subtly and cautiously brings it up I avoid the subject with him and, being totally candent, most of the time remind him of all his faults.

I can see why my actions caused DH to act the way he did and how much its impacted his self esteem. He has changed as a result.

I have no need for the conversation personally, I'm over it, forgotten about until I found out he knew and if I regretted it I think I would have had the conversation by now.

AIBU not having the conversation and taking accountability?

And you are not lovely and kind. By any stretch of the imagination.

@Sundayschildseizestheday you say you're a lovely and kind person who looks after your whole family. You're not even looking after your husband and certainly not coming over as lovely or kind on this thread. Even a therapist agrees with him. So I beg to differ.

This can’t be true?
You think your husband watching porn in the past is the same as you having actual conversations with real people about acting out fantasies?

He’s told you how it made him feel and you don’t give a shit! Your therapist said the same and you still think you’re right? Leave the poor man to find someone who is kind to him as you sound like an arsehole!

You are not a lovely a kind person stop kidding yourself, you sound horrendous and selfish to be honest. Even a therapist agrees with him and you still won't have it. Take a long hard look in the mirror. I hope your husband finds someone deserving of him.

One rule for him and another for you.
He sounds whiney and self absorbed.
Could you just be done?
It is all about how he feels and his ego.
You have my sympathy OP.

So you have intimate conversations with other men. DH reads your chats. You check his internet history. You refuse to engage in a conversation.
If this is marriage, I'm glad I'm single.

Jesus Wept... OP, you have the emotional intelligence of a fuc*king Tea Spoon if you genuinely cannot see that you are the one majorly at fault here.

not often I find someone so lacking in insight into their own behaviour and how they impact others. This is one of the most extreme threads I’ve come across on mumsnet that really defines a sociopath.

You sound like a bit of twat, you know you've done wrong but you don't want to admit it out loud and can't have a grown up conversation with the man you supposedly love?

Awful!

@Sundayschildseizestheday the fact you can’t see what you’ve done wrong means that you are not really taking accountability of the impact of your actions.

Watching porn is a fairly normal thing that is permitted by a lot of partners in committed relationships. This isn’t true in all cases but is generally something that needs to be agreed on as a boundary for each couple.

What you did is beyond what most people would permit in a committed relationship. You had conversations with real people online, discussed sexual fantasies that you’ve never even shared with your husband, you were vulnerable with strangers who used what you said got their own sexual gratification. What you did would be considered by most as infidelity.

Your husbands reaction is totally normal and understandable. He is deeply hurt as you lied and involved yourself sexually with people outside of your marriage. He likely feels deeply hurt and betrayed as well as confused and sad that you never shared this side of yourself with him. There are probably also feelings of rejection that you have chosen strangers online over him which no doubt makes him feel deeply insecure in your relationship.

Would you be fine if he started online relationships with women? Telling them his most secret fantasies. I can’t believe you wouldn’t be bothered.

Im really unsure whether this thread is real given how obtuse you are being about how this has affected him.

Christ, I hope he leaves you.

Are you kidding me???
'He watched some porn and I chatted with some men online'

You are deranged to ever put those in the same bracket.

Please seek therapy. You are a real narcissist and / or sociopath.

You are totally deluded.
You are the polar opposite of a nice and loving person.
kind loving people do not treat their spouse this way.
I wouldn’t wish a relationship with you on my worst enemy

Thank you, he is whiney and self absorbed. When he starts talking I can feel myself just drifting off he just droans on.

As for the other comments, sociopath I dont think so, it is real and the majority of comments on here support me.

We are seperating, he had the cheek to tell me I was dillusional, self absorbed and a really horrible person for avoiding accountability for my actions. His whiney and self absorbed actions made me do it so its his fault and cant see how some ppl on here cant see that.

Surely no one can be this emotionally dense. He told you how his actions have impacted him and you minimise and tell him he is wrong

Oh he made you do it did he?

Well guess what, now you can do it all the time.

"had the cheek to tell me I was dillusional, self absorbed and a really horrible person for avoiding accountability for my actions. "

At least he's perceptive tbf to him

Its exactly what he said- his actions dont excuse mine.

Emotionally dense? He is in the wrong here, I wouldnt be talking to other older men if it wasnt for him being whiney, self absorbed and not tough. It wasnt that bad or irl although he thinks I could have gone there because of this.

Crikey you really are a piece of work aren't you!

God you sound awful.

Do you not think any of us who think you sound awful have a point OP?

Sorry but I think if you re-read the thread you’ll find the majority of comments are very much in support of your DH and his position.

I won’t pile on to the bandwagon with calling you narcissistic etc, but I will give you one piece of earnest advice:

life is short, too short and we truly never know how long we have. It sounds like you are not happy in your marriage and even counselling is not helping to mend what is broken. It may be a hard decision to make, but for the sake of both you and your husband, and your mutual long term health and happiness, please end this relationship, gift yourself and him the chance to find some joy and peace elsewhere.