Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not admitting to DH about my sexting with other older men

122 replies

Sundayschildseizestheday · 18/01/2025 22:21

About 10 years ago, I was active online and started chatting sexually to men online. I had some very sexual experiences.

I did this whilst DH was out in secret acting out sexual fantasies online. Ive since found out he knows about it, I didnt delete my chats and he read them. I found out he knows because I read his internet history.

Anytime he subtly and cautiously brings it up I avoid the subject with him and, being totally candent, most of the time remind him of all his faults.

I can see why my actions caused DH to act the way he did and how much its impacted his self esteem. He has changed as a result.

I have no need for the conversation personally, I'm over it, forgotten about until I found out he knew and if I regretted it I think I would have had the conversation by now.

AIBU not having the conversation and taking accountability?

OP posts:
soberserene · 19/01/2025 10:49

Ok.

ThDanielDay · 19/01/2025 11:05

"Any time he broaches my infidelity I play dumb and instead attack his character to bully him in to dropping the subject and feeling shit about himself instead. AIBU?"

StrawberrySwitchblades · 19/01/2025 11:12

If this is real, you’re some piece of work OP.

Unless he’s done something terrible you haven’t yet mentioned.

bottlemom · 19/01/2025 11:13

Sundayschildseizestheday · 19/01/2025 10:37

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

There isn't a time limit on him leaving you for this behaviour. Maybe he will the next time you try and make him feel shit for mentioning it 🤞.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2025 11:15

Where was he when you were doing it? Are there children living in this unpleasant environment?

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 19/01/2025 11:24

Of course you should talk to him.

He knows you behaved in a way that most people would consider cheating.

You are now snooping in his Internet history etc.

And passively aggressively blaming him for his ‘faults’ when he alludes to it.

Whether this is a reverse or not have an open honest conversation.

Otherwise the relationship is not a relationship.

Naunet · 19/01/2025 11:29

Are you seriously this emotionally unintelligent? Do you know what resentment is? Do you love your husband and care for his feelings?

I'm struggling to believe this is a genuine post.

Shrinkingrose · 19/01/2025 11:32

Not wanting to discuss or apologise, but gaslighting him and brining up his faults is really crappy abusive behaviour.

housemaus · 19/01/2025 11:47

So you betrayed your husband, whenever he brings it up you turn it back to be about his faults not your own, and you don't regret it even though it's apparently destroyed his self esteem?

You sound like a genuinely awful person. Poor bloke.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 19/01/2025 12:02

I’m also confused about where he was at the time.

If he was out indulging in his own sexual fantasies then whatever, I don’t really give a shit about either of you.

If he was out at work or with friends etc and it was only you doing the online cheating, and you gaslight and DARVO him whenever he subtly tries to give the opportunity for you to fess up then you’re disgusting and abusive.

And yes you absolutely should allow him the opportunity to know the full truth either way. But then, he’s a simp for staying with you knowing what you’ve done. So, again, whatever really. Can’t get too worked up for either of you.

DangerPigeon · 19/01/2025 12:06

I'm confused, why are you posting a thread about this now if it was ten years ago?
Does he still bring it up, or do you still feel guilty about it?
Do you think you should discuss it with him?

mmmarmalade · 19/01/2025 12:30

Sundayschildseizestheday · 19/01/2025 10:37

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

He hasn't left but he might use your actions at that time, and now, to justify actions he is taking... that you currently have no knowledge of.

StormingNorman · 19/01/2025 12:33

This all sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

Get it all out in the open, hash it out…and stop snooping on each other.

AquaPeer · 19/01/2025 12:35

It seems obvious to me that he needs to bring up the conversation since you don’t care either way so why would you.

do you mean he tries to bring it up and you refuse to engage?

I feel for him but he doesn’t really have a point tbh- he’s not left you and presumably doesn’t want to discuss breaking up and can’t even appear to get into a proper conversation about it so he’s stuck with your attitude really.

Satinscrunchie129 · 19/01/2025 12:37

@Sundayschildseizestheday if this is genuine then you need to seek therapy to discover why you did this.

It’s ok to admit you were wrong, chaotic and immature. But you need help to rebuild boundaries, trust and know why

it’ll really help you!

Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2025 12:38

I don't understand any of this. But I suddenly feel old, so very, very old. 😐

AquaPeer · 19/01/2025 12:41

Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2025 12:38

I don't understand any of this. But I suddenly feel old, so very, very old. 😐

IMe low self esteem and people who missed out on RL attention from their preferred sex when they were in their formative partner finding years get really excited chatting to sub par men online. It probably felt great to get the attention from the made up men

sometimes people who are just unfaithful types but they tend to just do it irl

2025willbemytime · 19/01/2025 12:42

Sundayschildseizestheday · 19/01/2025 10:37

Thank you, no reverse here and thinking about all comments.

Still not feeling a need for a conversation because he has stayed with me. If it was that bad would he have not left?

Cruelly naive. Life isn't that simple.

Satinscrunchie129 · 19/01/2025 12:45

AquaPeer · 19/01/2025 12:41

IMe low self esteem and people who missed out on RL attention from their preferred sex when they were in their formative partner finding years get really excited chatting to sub par men online. It probably felt great to get the attention from the made up men

sometimes people who are just unfaithful types but they tend to just do it irl

Show quote history

So true. Just wish therapy for this behaviour was less taboo

appleandbrie · 19/01/2025 12:49

Wow you’re nice aren’t you

ArtTheClown · 19/01/2025 12:49

When he brings it up you "remind him of his faults".
You cheated on him and now you are gaslighting him.

FallenRaingel · 19/01/2025 12:53

You should be avoiding the conversation, it's likely to end with him kicking you out and filing for divorce.

Don't be all shocked pikachu when he just does it.

Lyn348 · 19/01/2025 12:59

So you were cheating on him over the internet but YOU don't want to talk about it because YOU'RE over it now? And you deflect it all back on him by pointing out all his faults?

OP, you're a liar and a cheat and this is an abusive relationship. In case you still haven't worked it out (because you seem to be very low in emotional intelligence) YOU are the abuser.

LemonPeonies · 19/01/2025 13:04

What's wrong with you? You're over it so he needs to be too? Sound like a narcissist.

AquaPeer · 19/01/2025 13:06

FallenRaingel · 19/01/2025 12:53

You should be avoiding the conversation, it's likely to end with him kicking you out and filing for divorce.

Don't be all shocked pikachu when he just does it.

I imagine the whole point is OP doesn’t care about him enough to be too concerned about this prospect. People want divorces all the time, it’s just life

Swipe left for the next trending thread