Not admitting to DH about my sexting with other older men

[Sundayschildseizestheday]

About 10 years ago, I was active online and started chatting sexually to men online. I had some very sexual experiences.

I did this whilst DH was out in secret acting out sexual fantasies online. Ive since found out he knows about it, I didnt delete my chats and he read them. I found out he knows because I read his internet history.

Anytime he subtly and cautiously brings it up I avoid the subject with him and, being totally candent, most of the time remind him of all his faults.

I can see why my actions caused DH to act the way he did and how much its impacted his self esteem. He has changed as a result.

I have no need for the conversation personally, I'm over it, forgotten about until I found out he knew and if I regretted it I think I would have had the conversation by now.

AIBU not having the conversation and taking accountability?

I've read most of the comments and I've read the OP's update and I honestly think he should leave you. You aren't taking any accountability for what you did and it's really affected him. Even from your latest update you find fault with him as your defence mechanism. You aren't suited, let him go and find someone who can be faithful, love him the way he is and not add to his self esteem issues.

This post and updates can’t be real surely?

You’re really a nasty piece of work OP. He deserved that conversation a long time ago. You’ve been very very unreasonable.

Poor man.

LOL, how is everything 'worse'? It is the same but you now know more of what he feels - and you don't care.

I hope he posts here for advice on leaving you. He deserves a happier and emotionally healthier life.

What’s a reverse?

You sound like my DH's ex. Alex, is that you? While she was gaslighting and blaming my DH for her "sexting addiction", it absolutely wrecked his mental health. I hope he leaves you, he deserves better.

Im with you on This!

I’m actually laughing now because this can’t be real, I refuse to believe it is, right from the initial post to the progressively worse, brassneck updates🤣

Well.... morality is a brilliant thing of human beings.
Practicality is another, especially nowadays.
What does it give you, if you admit to this?

So you went from not having spoken to him (and not wanting to) on Sunday morning, to you had a few drinks over the weekend and had a whole conversation about it?

Of course you did.

On the very, very slim chance this is real - leave him. You are an awful person and don't deserve to be in a relationship.

I agree. Leave him alone, your behaviour is really toxic.

the conversation isn’t about him OP. It’s about you and your actions. All this ‘you did this but you did that’ is why couples struggle to communicate and relationships break down. stop deflecting - you’re very dismissive of his feelings.

you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging how he feels. All the stuff you wrote about how he feels that’s deep stuff. And you’ve basically gone ‘you feel like you’re not good enough, I’ve made you self conscious and you feel I’m always going to be looking elsewhere but it’s alright because you did something else to me’. Crazy.

wow.
everything you have quoted your dh as saying is right. But you quote it as if it is unreasonable.
Are you really are so self centred and so unable to see how this might effect the person you love?

It is a pretty daming update. If it is real, then you are not a nice person. Relationships are about mutual love, respect and care for each other. Everything you have said so far is about you making your point and proving your are right compared to him.

Really feel sad for him that he has waited 10 years to have this conversation.
He should leave you.

Why ask for advice when u clearly and selfishly made ur own mind up anyways. Personally I think ur a narcissist who would shit ur pants if ur husband actually got the balls to kick u out. U know he won't which is why ur an utter cunt to him. I hope u don't have sons who end up with girls like their mum.

Your behaviour is despicable. I care about strangers on the street more than you care about your husband. I hope he finds the strength to leave you.

You're an awful person.

Have you ever even apologised to him for it all?

We tried therapy this week and the therapist AGREED WITH HIM. Its all about me and what I want.

I dont think Im gaslighting and I think Ive taken accountability by saying it happened.

Your therapist and everyone on this thread.

You’re completely in the wrong and your behaviour has been vile.

Even this post is attention seeking. You are boasting about your behaviour. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are a narcissist. Whether or not you are willing to investigate that and then get therapy to help you to stop being so selfish is up to you.

@Sundayschildseizestheday accountability is more than acknowledging what you’ve done, it’s recognising the impact of your actions on others, being genuine in wanting to correct or resolve the problem and learning so you do better in the future.

From this thread it seems all you’ve done is admit but diminish, dismiss and deflect. You see no issue with what you’ve done, you don’t seem to care about the impact this has had on your husband and you bring up (although don’t specify) past behaviour of his to justify your actions.

It really doesn’t sound like you care about your husband at all and just want him to get over this which is not fair or reasonable. You state you are over it so he should be too but you can’t dictate someone else’s emotions. You also have only just given him the opportunity to confront you and explore his feelings which takes time. Personally I’m not sure why he’s staying, you do sound like you have a narcissistic personality which is very challenging to live with.

Are you for real?! Your DH has clearly stated that this has impacted his self-esteem, you have noticed yourself that he has changed and has lower self-esteem and yet you blame him for not letting go of something so significant.

If you're not prepared to listen to what he says and actually do something about this then why are you even bothering to go to therapy? Continue to bury your head in the sand, avoid taking any responsibility for your behaviour but at least have the decency to let him go. He deserves someone who respects and values him, in the ways that you clearly don't.

My advice to him would be to LTB.

Im a lovely and kind person who looks after my whole family.

I just dont see what Ive done wrong, he watched some porn before and I chatted online with men.

He also said it has affected him mentally and physically. He cant understand why Im not that sexually open with him and its always on my terms or why I had those intense chats with other men.

I just cant believe this.

How sleazy. I hope he dumps you and finds someone lovely.

Then you tell him to stop the porn, you don’t cheat on him.

And you did cheat.

You can't see why he finds actual human interaction more upsetting than watching a video? Jesus, you are so lacking in self awareness. He should leave you.