To want to know where 5k has gone?

[Digitaldedado]

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k
DSS mum got hold of this information and started being really demanding around the money, wanting to buy him a car for his birthday late last year (before he had even passed his test) DH and I wanted to wait until
He had passed.
Long story short, DH caved to emotional blackmail from DSS's mum and put the money into his bank account - without telling me (but that's a whole other story)
Fast forward to now, DSS has passed his test but there has been 0 sign of a car being purchased, he's been driving his mum's. Every time DH asks about it, has he seen anything, does he need help etc - he just doesn't answer or changes the subject.
DSS's mum has had money issues in the past and doesn't have a steady income so we are both slightly concerned that maybe the money has been diverted towards other things and he'll just use his mum's car in exchange. Which wasn't the agreement.
AIBU for wanting to know where the money has gone and what the intent is?

Ds3 booked his driving test on 4th Jan for 12th Feb.

Blimey, whereabouts do you live @Threeboystwocatsandadog? It's a six months waiting list here. DD has just failed hers and just wondered how to get another test date more quickly.

Tbh I can understand. Teenagers are expensive and everything is expensive at the moment. If his mum needed the money for household bills (101 unexpected things could have happened) then I do understand her child helping her. Is it ideal? No. But the money went into his account and it’s up to him whether to keep it to buy a car or to use some or all of it to help his mum.

Please stop asking him about it. He’ll tell you if/when he wants to look for a car to buy.

I don’t know your step son’s mum or her situation but I do know children/teens who have helped their mums financially because they could and wanted to.

When I saw this thread @Digitaldedado I did remember your last one about it, and the one after that about a different issue which has now been deleted.
Like many posters at the time it was very concerning.
This money problem is a huge issue absolutely but the real, real problem here is with your DH, who very much sounds like he is unlikely to ‘cave’ into pressure from anyone.
I am not sure if this post will be allowed, or if it will stay up, it is written with concern.
You need to get yourself out of this marriage. If you don’t you will never be at peace.

Oh, and maintenance is rarely actually “enough”. CMS level maintenance is the bare minimum, and most court ordered or even private arrangements don’t actually cover 50% of a child’s needs and housing costs. Added to that, a lot of resident parents are completely stretched for time and unable to earn as much as the non resident parent.

And heaven help the resident parent if they want to try to provide the extras for their child(ren) that they might have been able to afford if still married (music lessons, sports lessons, school fees, etc).

Well he will if his mother has money problems and it’s keeping a roof over his head. Agreed that wasn’t what the money was for but he needs to be asked directly.

It’s strange. Maybe the son made a deal with his mother to drive her car and use the money for something else eg. insurance?

If I was your DH I would want to know where the money has gone. Why can’t he ask a straight question and get a straight answer? It’s not that difficult surely. Though who knows whether it would be the truth that said. But the money has gone anyway and I’m not sure how much further you should personally get involved; leave it to your DH, his dad? I’d make sure I wasn’t going to be put in that position again.

Yes I'd still want to know exactly where the money is now. Especially with him being vague. Get Dh to grow a pair of bollocks and ask him, ask him to show Dh which day it hit his bank account and where it is now.

Yeah I really think this needs addressing. Your DH shouldn't have given him the money. That much is obvious.
He needs to sit his son down and say "son I'm worried you're not interested in getting a car when I've given you the money. Has something happened to the money? I'm not going to be mad at you, but I need you to open your banking app and show me you still have my money. We worked really hard to save that for you and it means alot to me."

Ah in all honesty if it's not your money I'd just ignore it all. It's your DH's problem. He knew what she's like and didn't take that into consideration.

That is really sad especially for DSS.

Can you and your husband sit down with DSS and explain husband and DSS will go car shopping and see the reaction.

Depending on reaction, calmly ask DSS if he still has the money and to be truthful.

I would avoid getting angry or saying negative things about the mum in front of DSS.

DSS could be very upset over this and feels conflicted.

Good luck!

It’s a tough one. If his mother has spent his money then I’d be fuming (and probably would suggest putting further maintenance payments aside into a bank account for SS until the money had been paid back…!)

But we had a similar scenario - but GPs gifted the money (£5k). Covid hit so it took 18 months to get a driving instructor. Meanwhile he spent £1.5k on some (worthwhile) training. Then two failed tests six months apart. Then he became disabled and had to quit driving, and was long term sick from work, so it all just got spent. There is now nothing left. But at least nobody else was pressuring him to spend it!

I think that DSS's mother is relevant as she was the one that put the pressure on OP's husband to provide the £5k for a car before OP's step-son passed his test. OP's DH caved in to the emotional blackmail from his ex-wife and sent the money without consulting OP.

If DSS's mother insisted on her son getting the money early before passing his test so that he could have a car for his birthday, surely she would have insisted that he buy the car once he receive the money?

I agree.

My BIL (and the rest of the family, tbh) thought that his ex was financially abusing their son. It turned out that he had a gambling addiction.

Someone I know failed their driving test just before Christmas. They used some test booking app or other, and have a test booked for next week.

Someone I know failed their driving test just before Christmas. They used some test booking app or other, and have a test booked for next week.

Oh really? I wonder if it's one of the bots that charge about £200 because there's a loophole that means they somehow book huge amounts of test dates? DD isn't keen on that.

This is the kind of thing my mother in law would have done. Funnily enough we don’t see her much as my husband has absolutely nothing but resentment there (and her behaviours haven’t got any better). As an adult my husband is still coming to terms with the financial abuse and realising that often it was her wants that created a lack of actual needs (she wanted x, y or z and decided she “deserved” it which is why they didn’t have money for rent / bills / food and his own finances filled the gap, often without his consent. She’s never repaid him and still demands lavish gifts, which she does not get!)

Please be gentle with your step son. If he lives there he must have felt that he had absolutely no option to keep the roof over his head. It’s a really scary position for a kid to be put in and with the power imbalance between him and his mum it’s really not his fault. His dad doing things behind your back is equally problematic but I get the impressed you’re dealing with that! If this has happened before I’d suggest therapy as the anger and resentment will be growing and needs a safe outlet. Above all give him security, let him know there’s always a space away from her if he wants to take it. Feeling like he’d lose his home / not be able to eat etc. is a horrible position for anyone, let alone teenager. Reassure him that regardless of anything else he has that safety net with you / his dad.

I know it’s too late now but your DH shouldn’t have put the money into his son’s account. He should have gone with him to buy his first car and paid directly at the time. Your DSS would still have got the car and DSS’ mum couldn’t have ‘borrowed’ the money.

Apologies it’s very early I don’t get this

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k

did you mean “whatever he’d saved”.

also which money did your dh transfer, that’s not clear at all. 5k of his own to match dss’s supposed 5k?

you say on your previous thread though that there’s no way he could have saved 5k with a year’s worth of part time jobs. So that 5k probably never existed. Perfectly possibly he’s spent dh’s 5k - if that’s what happened- and his dm has nothing to do with it

OP, you are a mug.
I suspect you have been for a long time.
Women with self worth whom were respected by their spouse wouldn't be used like this.
Unfortunately you have neither of the above, have tolerated it, so really cannot be surprised.

We teach people how to treat us.
You are clearly an ATM to your spouse and his child and ex wife.
Only you could've changed this and kept your savings in your account.

OP and her DH have matched what DSS saved, out of joint savings, to which OP contributes more as she earns more.

It is entirely possible the DSS simply spent the money, but DSS's DM was pushing for him to have the funds early, and for her to take him car shopping instead of OP and her DH.

As no car has appeared, quite rightly, this raises questions.

And to answer someone else up-thread, this was not a general gift of money for the DSS to do as he pleased with. It was specifically towards a car, so no, he cannot spend it on whatever he wants or hand it to his Mother, and OP contributed to that sum significantly, so it very much is her business.

You and DH (joint money) contributed 5K to match the 5K he claimed he had saved?

10K on a car for an 18 year old, 5K of which you never saw was saved and the other 5K was sent without your consent because your DH claimed ex wife coerced it from him? Now your stepson won't tell you where any of this money is or where the car is?

😂😂😂

I just went on autotrader and you can get a run-around for far less.

What on earth is going on in your family that this is happening? Dishonesty with money (your DH), avoidance and stonewalling (your husband's son), still involved ex-wife pulling strings etc.

What a mess! Pull your money out of savings. Find your anger with your own husband and detach from his son and the entire circus. 🎪

Good grief OP!

It would seem your DSS has learnt from your DH to give into his mom and give her everything she demands and has given her the money.

Going forward I would separate your finances from your DH .

What country are you in , as you said DS started to learn to drive at 16 ?

This. You need to stop focussing on DSS and your husband's ex. YOUR husband has removed joint savings without your consent. That it has gone in all likelihood on paying his ex's credit card bill or some other spurious reason is neither here nor there.

I would remove my portion of the joint savings, including the portion for a car that I didn't consent to and put it into a solo savings account for the time being until such time as your spineless husband can rebuild trust.

He's an adult. You can pay him an allowance if you choose to do so. He can decide what to do with any money given to him. No need to pay his mother.

Wild to buy a car for someone who's only had 10 lessons, he'll crash it within a year.