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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know where 5k has gone?

131 replies

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 21:28

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k
DSS mum got hold of this information and started being really demanding around the money, wanting to buy him a car for his birthday late last year (before he had even passed his test) DH and I wanted to wait until
He had passed.
Long story short, DH caved to emotional blackmail from DSS's mum and put the money into his bank account - without telling me (but that's a whole other story)
Fast forward to now, DSS has passed his test but there has been 0 sign of a car being purchased, he's been driving his mum's. Every time DH asks about it, has he seen anything, does he need help etc - he just doesn't answer or changes the subject.
DSS's mum has had money issues in the past and doesn't have a steady income so we are both slightly concerned that maybe the money has been diverted towards other things and he'll just use his mum's car in exchange. Which wasn't the agreement.
AIBU for wanting to know where the money has gone and what the intent is?

OP posts:
8misskitty8 · 18/01/2025 23:45

What sort of person steals from their own child ?

mrsm43s · 18/01/2025 23:45

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 22:07

@mrsm43s
I know it doesn't matter really, but it's just sad. We've worked hard to be able to him and it's just gone and DSS won't directly benefit from it.

I get that. Yes, it's sad, but he knows you & DH gave it to him, and he knows why he doesn't have it now.

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:50

@Naunet we have separate finances - I have more more disposable income so I contribute more into savings.

OP posts:
Naunet · 18/01/2025 23:53

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:50

@Naunet we have separate finances - I have more more disposable income so I contribute more into savings.

But this is a gift, a very large gift for HIS son, he cannot reasonably expect you to contribute more to it and then have no say in what happens to it.

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:56

@Naunet - no it's not a reasonable situation, but I can see why he sent him the money to get his mum to stop being abusive.

OP posts:
Whatzzitz · 19/01/2025 00:01

DH needs to ask his ex if she took the cash and what her plans for repayment are?

SnoopysHoose · 19/01/2025 00:04

You say the money was put into DS account , if that's the case why do you think his mom took it? DS likely spent it himself.

Boysnme · 19/01/2025 00:06

Calochortus · 18/01/2025 21:35

I’m sure I read a thread about £5k and a car a few months ago, it’s very similar.

Unless you share finances and you’ve contributed to the £5k for the car you have no right to ask. The way I see it is if someone choose to gift money you can’t dictate what’s it’s spent on. Also DSS’ mothers financial situation is nothing to do with you and clearly your DH isn’t that bothered.

Edited

You absolutely can dictate what it’s spent on if it’s very clear upfront that this is why you are being gifted the money.

This was not a gift for DSS to waste on just anything (although it sounds like it’s his mum that’s done that not him).

Lesson learned for OP and her DH. Don’t give him cash if you want it to go on something specific, buy the item direct yourself

Bumcake · 19/01/2025 00:07

What a weird story. I’d have thought his dad would have wanted to get involved in the car buying, why would he just hand over a wedge and peace out? The face he’s given away a chunk of your money without consultation is beyond the pale really.

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:07

8misskitty8 · 18/01/2025 23:45

What sort of person steals from their own child ?

I thought the OP's husband paid the money into his son's account? If he's old enough to be driving, his mum won't have access to his account? Surely the issue is dad's decision to pay the money directly without consultation? Particularly as the OP contributed a lot to the fund? Anything else is a distraction. Blaming the boys mum is wholly unfair, in my opinion. This is DH's responsibility alone. Assuming the boy's around 17/18, if £5k turns up in his account, it's unlikely he's got the emotional maturity to think though the minuteia of who made it materialise. He was probably just chuffed, frankly! I'd be really cross if I was OP too. But throwing shade on mum and her previous 'financial problems' is a smokescreen. How many of those financial issues were due to dad mismanaging money and sponging off other people, I wonder?

Shushquite · 19/01/2025 00:14

I would still be more angry with your dh, swindled you out of 5k. If he took/ spent the money without telling you first. Then I would demand the money back from him. Especially, since it was mostly yours.

It was a combined gift you planned on giving it together. He just took it and took all the glory. Are you sure your dh sent it to your sds account?

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:19

Digitaldedado · 18/01/2025 23:56

@Naunet - no it's not a reasonable situation, but I can see why he sent him the money to get his mum to stop being abusive.

I can't understand this at all. If he's old enough to drive, he must have agency. Just to clarify: did the money go to mum or to DSS? I have two boys of my own and two DSS. To be honest, we'd never collaborate on a big expense like this. Other than food, clothing, shelter, DH's financial arrangements in respect of his children are his business and responsibility. Same with me. I love them to bits. But they have a mum and a dad. Neither of which is me. Mine no longer have a father but they're my responsibility ultimately. OP should have just got him a card and a novelty air freshener when he passed his test.

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 19/01/2025 00:19

The money was always going to be his. So it was just a matter of when.
The plan was for DH to get involved in the car shopping and DH has been asking DSS when do you want to go etc - radio silence. Which generally is how he behaves when he is trying to protect his mum or when he is trying to avoid confrontation.
We've not seen any indication of high spending by him, no new clothes, tech etc

OP posts:
Partybagprick · 19/01/2025 00:20

Your DH needs to pay you back for your contribution towards the £5k that he handed over without your consent. That money has effectively been stolen from you (morally if not legally). He sounds feeble.

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 19/01/2025 00:22

It went into DSS's account, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's been manipulated by his mum to give her some / all of the money as I couldn't understand why there was an urgency to give the money in the first place.

OP posts:
Hdjdb42 · 19/01/2025 00:22

Husband needs to.ask her for that 5 k.

Greyish2025 · 19/01/2025 00:25

Hdjdb42 · 19/01/2025 00:22

Husband needs to.ask her for that 5 k.

He Dosen’t know for sure that she has it

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:31

Digitaldedado · 19/01/2025 00:19

The money was always going to be his. So it was just a matter of when.
The plan was for DH to get involved in the car shopping and DH has been asking DSS when do you want to go etc - radio silence. Which generally is how he behaves when he is trying to protect his mum or when he is trying to avoid confrontation.
We've not seen any indication of high spending by him, no new clothes, tech etc

He has agency. Just ask DH for your contribution back and let him fund his children's lifestyles going forward. Of course your step-son loves his mum. She's his mum! If you'd like a good relationship with him going forward, you might want to drop the accusatory antipathy towards her. It's just really unfair. If he's sponging off you, he might not have been financially supportive of his child/children thus far either? If he's old enough to pass his test, he's old enough to decide what should be a 'special' landmark for him. Who paid for the test? Who pays for the insurance on mum's car? The only thing that's about you here is that you've paid more for this young man than you you should have been asked to. You're right to be miffed. I'd be cross. But it's not his mum's fault. Ask for it back and don't make that mistake again - gifting people cash - unless you're happy to just let it go when they do with it what they will. If you enjoy your relationship with your DSS, let this go.

ImmortalSnowman · 19/01/2025 00:34

Is he still paying maintenance @Digitaldedado?

No sign of the car and £5k has already been given to his son he should be telling ex wife that he won't be paying anymore until the £5k is reached and when his son is ready to go buy a car with his matched savings, then he can get the money.

Thought his mother was buying him the car for Christmas/birthday but expecting his dad to pay for it? No car, no more cash until there is.

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:36

Digitaldedado · 19/01/2025 00:22

It went into DSS's account, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's been manipulated by his mum to give her some / all of the money as I couldn't understand why there was an urgency to give the money in the first place.

If he's really that readily manipulated, he shouldn't be driving. Surely mum would just nick the car? This is becoming more vitriolic about the young man's mum as it goes on. He's NOT your child. He loves his mum. Whatever your husband has told you about her, the lad loves her. Your husband shouldn't have taken your money or gifted it without consent. Now stand down, learn from it and step-away!

StormingNorman · 19/01/2025 00:37

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:31

He has agency. Just ask DH for your contribution back and let him fund his children's lifestyles going forward. Of course your step-son loves his mum. She's his mum! If you'd like a good relationship with him going forward, you might want to drop the accusatory antipathy towards her. It's just really unfair. If he's sponging off you, he might not have been financially supportive of his child/children thus far either? If he's old enough to pass his test, he's old enough to decide what should be a 'special' landmark for him. Who paid for the test? Who pays for the insurance on mum's car? The only thing that's about you here is that you've paid more for this young man than you you should have been asked to. You're right to be miffed. I'd be cross. But it's not his mum's fault. Ask for it back and don't make that mistake again - gifting people cash - unless you're happy to just let it go when they do with it what they will. If you enjoy your relationship with your DSS, let this go.

Show quote history

It is his mum’s fault if she’s taken the money off him and everything is pointing to that. What the mum spends on him - driving test, car insurance, lessons etc - is totally irrelevant. The money was gifted to DSS for a specific purpose. It wasn’t given to him for car insurance and if he needed OP and his dad’s help with that then a different conversation was needed.

And of course getting your first car is a “special” landmark; it’s a right of passage for a young driver. Why would he not think it’s special? It should have been a happy experience for DSS and his dad’s to go out car shopping. Instead it’s been ruined for all of the by the impecunious mother.

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:41

ImmortalSnowman · 19/01/2025 00:34

Is he still paying maintenance @Digitaldedado?

No sign of the car and £5k has already been given to his son he should be telling ex wife that he won't be paying anymore until the £5k is reached and when his son is ready to go buy a car with his matched savings, then he can get the money.

Thought his mother was buying him the car for Christmas/birthday but expecting his dad to pay for it? No car, no more cash until there is.

I'm assuming the son isn't 11. If he's not in full time education post-16, no maintenance will be due. Has he even paid CM, ever? Or is he just one of these men that says: "I ain't paying till little Johnny is 18. Etc." It's absurd to suggest that a £5k gift precludes paying child maintenance too. Also, he's not the OP's child. So any maintenance he pays towards his child has nothing to do with her.

Peachy2005 · 19/01/2025 00:43

All he had to do to stop ex being abusive was block her - or am I missing something?

No more money, no more cars, unless funded by ex-wife/young man himself…I think it was established on the previous thread that the DS didn’t even need a car especially.

Your DH did a very stupid thing…he needs to pay you back @Digitaldedado and learn his bloody lesson for good!!

Original poster
Digitaldedado · 19/01/2025 00:44

Bloody hell why would he not pay maintenance? He always has and will continue to until he is out of FT Ed.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 19/01/2025 00:45

BornSandyDevotional · 19/01/2025 00:36

If he's really that readily manipulated, he shouldn't be driving. Surely mum would just nick the car? This is becoming more vitriolic about the young man's mum as it goes on. He's NOT your child. He loves his mum. Whatever your husband has told you about her, the lad loves her. Your husband shouldn't have taken your money or gifted it without consent. Now stand down, learn from it and step-away!

Show quote history

Of course he loves his mum. That doesn’t mean he can’t love his dad and step mum. His mum has exploited that love for her personal gain.

OP’s DH shouldn’t have given the money the way he did, but that in no way excuses the money being misappropriated.