To want to know where 5k has gone?

[Digitaldedado]

We promised DSS we'd help him buy his first car, so we'd agreed to match whatever we'd saved, which we were told was 5k
DSS mum got hold of this information and started being really demanding around the money, wanting to buy him a car for his birthday late last year (before he had even passed his test) DH and I wanted to wait until
He had passed.
Long story short, DH caved to emotional blackmail from DSS's mum and put the money into his bank account - without telling me (but that's a whole other story)
Fast forward to now, DSS has passed his test but there has been 0 sign of a car being purchased, he's been driving his mum's. Every time DH asks about it, has he seen anything, does he need help etc - he just doesn't answer or changes the subject.
DSS's mum has had money issues in the past and doesn't have a steady income so we are both slightly concerned that maybe the money has been diverted towards other things and he'll just use his mum's car in exchange. Which wasn't the agreement.
AIBU for wanting to know where the money has gone and what the intent is?

Why did you contribute to it?

It's your DH's choice/responsibility, I wouldn't have given my money to a step child (who is almost an adult), especially with a money grabbing mother on the scene.

You'll never know.

So mum has paid for his test, lessons and insurance? You wanted to ring-fence £5k for a car? When he can use his mum's? And she can put him on her insurance? And he's not your kid? Blimey. Get your money back from dad of the year and just slip the boy £40 a month or something. He's not your son. He never will be. You might hate his mum but he loves her. Goodness gracious!

Not every step parent has to step parent in the same way. Some even like, love or feel a sense of familial responsibility to the step child.

You sound lovely as well though.

Thank you, I am lovely.

And not a mug like the OP.

Think it’s time to put the bottle down. I’m not the OP and you are oversharing your own insecurities. This thread isn’t about your and your DC’s stepmum.

But as you asked, if I was giving someone £5k for the explicit purpose of buying a car, I would expect that money to be ringfenced for buying a car.

There is no evidence at all that mum has some sort of superpower that enables her to take anything off 17/18yr old boys. Especially money. Did she frog-march him to an ATM with a weapon in his back? I have to negotiate with a 15yr old for hours to get PE kit in the washing machine and the dog walked! If this young adult is that susceptible, he really shouldn't be driving. He maybe does like his dad's partner. Which is useful. But he might also be aware that she dislikes his mum and treats him like a 10yr old. Who knows?

Maybe her son offered her the money if her financial situation was dire ; which could also affect him.

A gift was given by your husband. End of story. If the money was his own money it's none of your business. If it came from a joint account your gripe is with your husband to the tune of £2,500

Hello. I think you're labouring under a misunderstanding? My children don't have a stepmother? I also don't drink. Have you misquoted? Have a good evening.

If some of that money was yours I would be as mad as hell about it and your DH would have no access to my savings in the future.

The poster you are responding to is not the OP.

Oh. Okay. Apologies to the poster. My mistake. Trying to multitask as on a break on night shift. Never works for me! Sorry again. My DC don't have a step mother though. Because their dad is dead. Thanks for pointing it out and - again - sorry!

I withdraw my apology.

Don't be so naive, if she hasn't got much money it was pretty obvious she would spent the £5k, your DH was stupid giving it to her

@Calochortus

You can absolutely secure a test that quick, I managed to get my second test 5 days after I failed my first test - I just had to pay a little more than usual. My instructor knew someone.

OP, I would feel exactly as you do now and yes, I would want to know what had happened to the money. I think your instincts are spot on, but I would want to have it in the open.

If it was me, I would wait until DSS was over and you, DH and DSS are together having dinner, (maybe even at a restaurant? Captive audience), and bring it up and say “when are you looking for a car DSS?” He will avoid the subject etc, but then you or DH throw him a lifeline and say “look, you keep avoiding this, we think something has happened to the money, tell us now, did you give some to your Mum?” Make it easy for him to tell you. There’s no point getting angry at him, so make it way for him to tell you, ask how he feels about that - “did you want to give the money to Mum in exchanging for using her car?” And then once all the info is out, say “well, we thought you preferred to buy your own car for these reasons - independent, don’t need to share, can use it to come over to our house as well as at your Mum’s, can take it with you when you left home, an asset in your name etc - but you obviously thought of all these things and decided they weren’t important to you, so that’s ok. You are the one who lives with the consequences of having no car here etc, so we will say no more about it.”

‘And then move on. You can’t do more about this particular situation. But I would make him feel those consequences subtly - no access to your car etc.

Then, you have three other issues to address:

1. confront his mother? I wouldn’t;t bother. It is really DH’s job, and it seems clear he won’t.
2. discussion with your DH that there are no more public promises of money to DSS in advance. You and DH may decide to gift money for other things, but given the situation with his mother, DSS should not be told in advance like this time, so his mother can’t do what she has done here, and probably any gifts of money should be in the form of paying the bill itself, not cash.

3) issue with your DH as to transferring the money without telling you. You haven’t raised this much in you OP, but this is the one I think is key. If a grown man, who is divorced from this woman can’t stand up to her, what hope does her son - underage and who does live with her (so gets the pressure all the time?!?)

How do you know he didn't benefit from it?
You clearly don't like his DM, but you don't know that she took the cash - he could have used it to fund his driving lessons, partying or blown it on drugs.

There’s nothing you can do. I would ask SS if he has looked at cars yet. But you need to keep your money separate from DHs and don’t fund anything else for SS

Your poor DSS was probably quite excited to be getting to own car - it’s a big step at that age- and now he is for some reason driving mums car when I’m sure he would preferred to have gone and bought his own car.

I would also be furious with DH he should have protected you and his son and had a spine and said no!!! He needs to sit down and get to the bottom of this for everyone’s sake but don’t be too angry at DSS he’s obviously enmeshed in mums issues and so I’m sure felt pressured

If she's able to manipulate your DH, she most surely will be doing the same with her son. The money came nicely in time for Christmas. I would be livid.

Is it a full fucking moon tonight or something? Honestly some of the tit for tat backwards and forwards between what I assume are GROWN WOMEN is embarrassing.

It's done now, and whether your DS has frittered it, or ended up giving it to his mum it doesn't look like it's going to reappear.

I think your husband needs to have a conversation with his son - 10k(?) has just gone in the space of a few months and he has nothing tangible to show for it? Even if he had changed his mind and booked a holiday or bought a fancy computer, but to have nothing of value at all?

If his mum has pressured him in to giving it to her, she should be ashamed.

I do think it's a bit strange to just transfer 5k as opposed to just keeping it paying for the car once he had been shopping, especially if his mum has form.

Some of you are missing the point, if the DSS mum has coercively made the DSS give her 5k that he has been given by OP and DH then yes it is a safeguarding issue as is financial abuse. He is not an adult.
Whilst it may not be the reason the OP is upset it's the worse part of this ness.

Totally agree. Absolutely bonkers on this thread!

I don't think DSS's mother is relevant since no one has any evidence that she has taken the money and DSS hasn't said so or even implied it, as far as I can see. If this money as a joint gift from you and DH, then he should not have moved the money without your knowledge so that's a general issue to work out between you and him. And it is reasonable of you to continue asking what plans there are for buying the car. Other than that, DH needs to parent his son - find out if the money's gone on something else or if perhaps he's still saving for the car or hasn't found the one he wants yet. It does no one any good to make assumptions.