To ask MIL not to use their car seat?

[WorriedAboutHurtingFeelings]

MIL bought a car seat for her car, for when they take our 18-month old DD somewhere. This is very kind of her and I'm grateful. But the one she's bought isn't rear-facing, and everything I've read indicates that children should stay rear-facing as long as possible.

MIL doesn't see DD very much (they live an hour away) so I don't want to discourage contact, but she's very sensitive and I'm worried that it will hurt her feelings when I insist they use our own rear-facing car seat if they do take DD somewhere. I also have a strong feeling that MIL thinks I am too protective and precious about DD.

AIBU to insist they use our rear-facing seat instead of the one they've bought? As far as I'm concerned, DD's safety comes before MIL's feelings, but DH feels awkward about it.

The UK rules allow FF from 15m, but the test and real life data shows if there's an accident RF is much safer.

Rear facing car seats are safer than front facing but that doesn't mean front facing ones are unsafe and they are still legal. How were you PILs suppose to know if you didn't say before? If you complain to now of course they will be offended and upset. Why didn't you mention rear facing before they bought the carseat? I think you just have to accept that you have messed up by not telling them this was important to you before they bought the carseat. You can't expect them to dispose of a new and expensive bit of kit.

Have you looked at the statistics for children who are in cars during accidents? In 2021 just 6 children under 7 died when in a car during a car accident. The likelihood is tiny so while rear facing may be slightly safer than front facing the biggest factor is actually a) being in the car and then b) being in a carseat, any carseat. These tiny numbers are not worth offending your PILs for.

www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/car-seats-forward-facing-warning-crash-internal-decapitation-baby-child-paralysed-a8257581.html

Children are at a higher risk for internal decapitation during car crashes than adults because their bodies are still developing. Not only do babies' heads make up 25% of their total body weight compared to an adult's 6%, but also their necks and spines are much weaker to begin with.
"A toddler's vertebrae are connected via cartilage rather than ossified bone. Those connections are called synchondroses, which are slowly closing over time," Car Seats for the Littless_ explained on its website. "Before age two, none of the cartilaginous spaces have completed ossification. Those pieces of cartilage have the ability to stretch up to two inches. Yet only 1/4 inch stretch is enough to rupture the spinal column, resulting in paralysis or death."

csftl.org/why-rear-facing-the-science-junkies-guide/

Why the recommendation to rear face until a minimum of age two? Previously, the only data with hard numbers comparing injury when rear versus forward facing were centered around that age group. However, age two is truly a bare minimum. According to the previously noted study, at age three there is still only a 50% probability that the C3 vertebra has finished ossification. The older a child gets, the more time their spinal column has to strengthen and the reality is the longer, the better. Most car seats on the market today will easily rear face even above average height and weight kids until 3-4 years of age. Without a CT scan, there is no way to know what stage of development your child’s spinal column is in, so the safest option is to rear face to the maximum weight or height of a convertible car seat. As time goes on and more older children are rear facing, there will be more scientific data to compare the benefits of a rear facing car seat for preventing spinal injury.
Rear facing is not a choice to be made based on parenting style or opinion; it’s one based on scientific fact. The more we know about physics and physiology, the better we’re able to protect our kids from severe injury as a result of a crash.
References
Bull, M. J., & Durbin, D. R. (2008). Rear-Facing Car Safety Seats: Getting The Message Right. Pediatrics, 121 (3), 619-620. DOI:10.1542/peds.2007-3637.
McCall, T., Fassett, D., & Brockmeyer, D. (2006). Pediatric Cervical Spine Trauma in Children: A Review. Neurosurgical Focus, 20(2), 1-8.
McMurry, T. L., Arbogast, K. B., Sherwood, C. P., Vaca, F., Bull, M., Crandall, J. R., & Kent, R. W. (2017). Rear-facing versus forward-facing child restraints: an updated assessment. Injury prevention, injuryprev-2017.
Yoganandan, N., Pintar, F. A., Lew, S. M., Rao, R. D., & Rangarajan, N. (2011). Quantitative Analyses of Pediatric Cervical Spine Ossification Patterns Using Computed Tomography. Annals of Advances in Automotive Medicine / Annual Scientific Conference, 55, 159–168.
Turbell, Thomas. Rear Facing: The Way Forward.Retrieved from www.rearfacing.co.uk/expertquotes.php

Are parents getting new car seats for each of their offspring, because if these seats last until a child is 7/8 aren’t some of them going over the seat’s lifespan?

Has she only just bought the car seat? If so, could it be returned for a different type? Try to soften the blow by saying how wonderful it is she's gone to the trouble of buying a car seat but, for safety reasons, it needs to be rear facing while your DD is so young.

@JaninaDuszejko I had no idea they were buying a car seat. They didn't tell us until after they'd bought it. So, zero "messing up" on our part. Your post is completely out of order.

@C152 I'm not sure when they bought the car seat, but they've already taken all the tags and things off it, so I doubt they could return it even if we do broach the subject.

Gosh I'm honestly not sure what to do. I think I'm just going to ask if we can quickly put our own rear-facing seat into their car when the occasion arises, and hope I can be bright and breezy about it . . . even though the risk is small, why accept it if we don't need to?

This is not true. It is legal but not safe.

@WorriedAboutHurtingFeelings If your MIL likes Facebook, then you could try and direct her to the Car Seat Safety UK page, which is very strong on rear facing, and see how she feels about the seat once she reads the advice there. She may come to her own conclusions about the seat and they could advise on a replacement.

A seat which lasts rear facing to that age isn't suitable for a newborn, so wouldn't be in use for 8 years.

As others have said, rear facing seats are safer than forward facing. There may be judgement calls re travel sickness but the evidence really is quite strong on safety especially for the under 2.

You see it at older ages re high back boosters versus booster cushions or no seat at all. There needs to be a culture shift away from seeing car seats as ‘babyish’ and seeing them as a fundamental and important bit of kit that protects children at a range of ages. People seem to want to rush through the stages like it’s some sort of milestone to aim for.

It’s odd that so many UK outlets picked this American story up and ran with it. The primary issue in that case wasn’t the car seat but rather the fact that the mother put herself and her child into the car of a person who was intoxicated, driving recklessly, and who smashed head long into a concrete wall.

kobi5.com/news/local-news/two-year-olds-neck-broken-following-medford-rollover-28060/

No.

actually, you’re wrong.

Properly fitted forward facing car seats provide more than enough risk reduction to be classed as safe on any sensible scale.

Rear facing do offer a marginally higher risk reduction factor for some types of accident.

However, there are plenty of other factors that impact likelihood of serious injury as a result of a car journey.

If you don’t check your tyre tread weekly, and switch your phone off for every journey then you really shouldn’t be preaching to anyone else about car safety.

@ThatEllie however the accident is caused, whether that be by a drunk driver, a medical incident like a seizure, or just pure bad luck, the kids will have better chance when they're rear facing. The stats don't lie. I'm not saying they will spontaneously combust if they're forward facing and rear facing isn't a magical bubble of safety around the vehicle. But their chances are better. I'll take any steps I can to give my child the best chance I can

Thank you for replying. I'm hoping to have DGC one day so need to understand all of this.

My DC were at school at just over 4yrs, front facing in the car, tall, lots of dangling legs! I don't know how on earth I would have tucked them in if they were rear facing!

Eldest DC was forward facing before his sibling arrived 18m later.

I remember rolling my eyes at stuff my mum said with 'advice'. I'm going to be my mother, aren't I?!