To ask MIL not to use their car seat?

[WorriedAboutHurtingFeelings]

MIL bought a car seat for her car, for when they take our 18-month old DD somewhere. This is very kind of her and I'm grateful. But the one she's bought isn't rear-facing, and everything I've read indicates that children should stay rear-facing as long as possible.

MIL doesn't see DD very much (they live an hour away) so I don't want to discourage contact, but she's very sensitive and I'm worried that it will hurt her feelings when I insist they use our own rear-facing car seat if they do take DD somewhere. I also have a strong feeling that MIL thinks I am too protective and precious about DD.

AIBU to insist they use our rear-facing seat instead of the one they've bought? As far as I'm concerned, DD's safety comes before MIL's feelings, but DH feels awkward about it.

If she lives an hour away, how often is she realistically going to drive your daughter around?

Asking again....is there a FIL?

@BarbaraHoward I could not care less if you think I'm a good person. It's important to me that I do everything in my control to keep my child safe, if someone doesn't want to do that then that's their decision but they should expect to be called out for bullshit claims that it's 'safe as long as it's a modern car seat'

In case helpful my child is 7 and still comfortably rear facing. She will probably fit her seat for at least another year. She's normal height, and within normal weight range (albeit on the lower side). Personally I don't understand why you wouldn't choose the safest option for your child, and require family members to do the same. It's a safety device not a fashion accessory. You can have the conversation with relatives in a grown up but frank way; it doesn't need to turn into a drama. Things have moved on since the 80s or whenever they had young kids. And it really does not need to be an emotive topic or something that sets off delicate MILs; it's a car seat.

I never FF any of them in a HBB in that car, so no idea. I vaguely remember reading that it's vanishing unusual for a normal road car not to have the survival gap though.

The seat was safe to FF in that car, obviously.

I'm glad you don't care about my opinion of you. Because I think you were really shitty to another person, and I also think you have a poor grasp of risk assessment.

@BarbaraHoward cool, good for you. Maybe watch some of the crash test dummy car seat videos and google internal decapitation before you do your 'risk assessment'

I would have loved to have kept mine rear facing but by the time they were 2.5 they could undo the clasp and would climb out or worse, just take the straps off and sit still so I didn’t notice!
I figured it was safer to have them forward facing than not strapped in at all. They didn’t undo them when FF. I’m guessing because they could see more and felt more occupied.

Last year, there was a petition to ask the government to mandate rear facing seats for children under four. The government responded saying that "a rear facing child restraint system is likely to offer better levels of protection than its forward-facing equivalent in a frontal impact". Despite this, it decided not to change the law, because rear facing seats are 'larger and often more difficult to install'. It also went on to say that parents can 'consider the relative benefits' of purchasing and using an extended rear facing seat - basically, up to the parent.

So in short, the government accepts that rear facing is safer with a correctly installed car seat, but doesn't want to mandate it.

https://petition.parliament.uk/archived/petitions/640558

The petition also directs people to ROSPA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents) for advice on selecting a car seat. Their page is linked here: https://www.rospa.com/policy/road-safety/advice/vehicles/car-seats

It says:

"Rearward-facing seats provide greater protection for the baby's head, neck and spine than forward-facing seats."

I agree that we shouldn't be judging people for forward facing - there are a lot of factors for parents to consider including travel sickness etc. - but we equally shouldn't shame people for wanting their kid to travel in the safest way possible or imply that they are overreacting because they don't want their child FF.

My kid is a screaming mess rear facing and a chilled-out angel front-facing when he can look at the view. You may not think that a good enough reason but it's certainly a reason. Dunno if you've ever had a real car-hater but it makes life v difficult and isn't very safe either (distracting.)

@StacieBenson it didn't exactly get an overwhelming response I notice.

And how big do you think the risk of internal decapitation is?

Anyway, need to go - cycling with the kids to the local park. Something that I suspect poses a much higher risk of injury than any trip in a correctly fitted car seat! Terrible mother that I am and all that.

My goodness! Absolutely shocking that you think it’s safe for under 4s to face forward! You need to do your research.

The whole point of rear facing is to protect the neck and spine. In a collision a front facing child will get flung forward whereas rear facing get forced back in the seat hence reducing neck and back injuries.

No - that's because there's a shocking lack of car seat education in the UK and not enough public awareness to make this an issue. I'm more focused on the fact that the government have publicly accepted that rear facing is safer.

For what it's worth, I'm not sure I'm in favour of mandating rear facing until 4 given the issues that some parents have with sickness and escapees, but I repeat, posters shouldn't be shaming OP for wanting to keep her child safe.

That was uncalled for. Did it make you feel better? A little frisson of 'aren't I edgy?'

Given your update, I think that you are very restrained and tolerant with your MIL. Surely, even as a former nurse who doesn't agree with updated NHS advice, she must know that it's not a great idea to stuff an 18 month old with junk food.

Definitely stick to your guns about the car seat. She's your daughter and you decide which car seat is suitable.

@BarbaraHoward probably safe to cycle without a helmet, as long as you don't get knocked off your bike. Bit like rear facing. Bet you make the kids wear helmets though 🙂 Enjoy the park!

Unfortunately this is not true. It's legal but it's not safe.

I would ask her to return it and get one that rear faces or use yours. There are low cost rear facing ones (Joie every stages) but if the FF seat was cheaper you could offer to split the cost of a RF seat.

It's OP's child and she has every right to be evangelical about using the safest car seat, even if it upsets her MIL.

Government rules are the lowest level of safety. THE LOWEST!!!!

Just because gov.uk says it it doesn’t mean it’s safe.

Driving examiners test learners on their test AT THE LOWEST level required by the Government. Doesn’t meant it’s safe.

18 month old baby front facing IS NOT SAFE in a collision! Ask an emergency worker that had to work on a baby that’s been on a front facing seat. Broken neck, back……

You’d be surprised

Bloody hell this is TERRIBLE advice. Please, please do not forward face your 18month old baby!!

You'll basically never know until it's too late to make a different decision.

The best and most likely case scenario is that you hurt her feelings.

If you don't say anything, your child might be in an accident and you'll have to live with the what ifs. It might be less likely but its far more devastating.

I don't think I would, but if you can find some numbers feel free to post them, I've never succeeded in finding anyway and as I said upthread nor has DH even with a proper hunt through the literature (a good few years ago now I'll grant you).

I would have signed it but wasn't aware of its existence. I suspect there are many others like me.