To ask MIL not to use their car seat?

[WorriedAboutHurtingFeelings]

MIL bought a car seat for her car, for when they take our 18-month old DD somewhere. This is very kind of her and I'm grateful. But the one she's bought isn't rear-facing, and everything I've read indicates that children should stay rear-facing as long as possible.

MIL doesn't see DD very much (they live an hour away) so I don't want to discourage contact, but she's very sensitive and I'm worried that it will hurt her feelings when I insist they use our own rear-facing car seat if they do take DD somewhere. I also have a strong feeling that MIL thinks I am too protective and precious about DD.

AIBU to insist they use our rear-facing seat instead of the one they've bought? As far as I'm concerned, DD's safety comes before MIL's feelings, but DH feels awkward about it.

It’s not safe to rear face that young.

I travelled from Lancashire Dover then Calais to Spain in the tailgate of my dad's car.

I was fine because we were not involved in an accident.

Cot bumpers are available to buy.

Oh wow - have been out for the morning and am surprised to see so many responses; just about to start reading them now. Thank you, everyone.

Clearly your child, your rules. Best way of dealing with it is to buy another car seat yourself for her to use - imagine the embarrassment if your MIL bought a rear facing one and there was something else about it you weren't happy with.

@OMGitsnotgood actually I don't really see it as "my child, my rules" - when DD is with her grandma, I don't mind that normal mealtimes go to pot, DD is given a crazy amount of junk food and treats, and allowed to do things that she wouldn't be allowed to do at home. I'm very grateful to MIL for spending occasional time with DD and I would never impose any rules. But when it's potentially a safety issue, that's where I do feel I have to assert myself. MIL is very cavalier at times - I think she likes to counterpoint my protectiveness! MIL was a nurse years ago and often moans about current NHS advice and how it was much more sensible in her day . . . perhaps not considering that there's been a lot of research in the last few years and that's why new guidance is in place. She also gets most of her "facts" from Facebook

Yes we have a besafe stretch. My son is projected to be 125cm at age 8, and well under 36kg.

We also have an axkid one, which is good for 23kg/125cm so the younger sibling has that one.

People are so evangelical about bloody car seats and make rear facing their child a major part of their personality

Your child will be absolutely fine in the car with their grandma. Don't cause a problem.

And FF car seats are much safer than none at all. It's all perspectives. If all FF seats were so dangerous every kid who had been in an accident ip to the last decade should be dead or severely injured from it as nearly ALL kids were forward facing from 9 months or a year

I've no doubt that rear facing maybe slightly safer in certain situations but saying FF is UNSAFE it's exaggerating

Incorrect. Your 18mo may prefer it just as she may prefer riding her bike without a helmet when the time comes. It's your job as her parent to make the safest choice, however unpopular.

Please read the safety guidance for your DD's seat for her weight/height and do exactly what it says.

'Your child your rules' - I was mainly referring to something as important as safety, not granny allowing more TV than you are happy with but didn't make that clear, sorry.

When I was born, cars didn't legally even have to have seatbelts fitted. I was transported in an unrestrained carry cot on the back seat. Cars weren't as fast and there wasn't as much traffic but still I shudder at the thought of the outcome of an accident.
Our children were always in car seats, although only rear facing in the tiny baby seats you'd carry them into the car in.
We didn't have any family nearby so we had no grandparent car seat issues but I did frequently see grandparents transporting children on their laps. Horrific.

I do agree with listening to latest research,

and this thread is a reminde to check with my DCs before buying anything at all when they have childen- but you as parents do need to be patient and be prepared to educate us oldies on current thinking. I will try to educate myself but can't be 'up' on everything. Probably like me very very few of your parents / ILs will be aware of any child being harmed, even after an accident, in a forward facing chair so it wouldn't cross our minds.
Same with weaning - it was ok to start weaning at 3 months when I was a baby and even when I had my DC, 3 months was OK but we were encouraged to try to leave it to 4.
So please don't assume we know what is right and wrong by today's standards.
I know some grandparents will have the awful 'well it was ok when we did it this way' attitude (our parents also did!) and not be prepared to educate themselves or listen to current thinking. But most people I know want to do the best for their grandchildren , we. maybe just need some help keeping up to date

"As far as I'm concerned, DD's safety comes before MIL's feelings, but DH feels awkward about it."

He'd feel more than awkward if there was a car accident! I bought a car seat for my first grandchild and my daughter insisted I change it for one she recommended so I did. Just stick to your guns and don't be railroaded out of it.

508 are not tiny though. If it was a 208 id be more in agreement about working in smaller cars

It is a choice, it's legal. You also have a choice whether to allow your child in it, though. I'd be buying MIL a rear facing one myself if she was doing lots of childcare. If she isn't, then it's unlikely to be used anyway as I would always transport my own child.

How do we know whether her child will be 'absolutely fine' being driven around by grandma? Don't shame OP for wanting to keep her child safe.

There are many exclusive rear facing seats available that will support your child up to 36kg. My child is small and he should last in his 25kg rear facing seat until he reaches 6-7years. Look into Axkid minikid and movekid seats or Britax max safe pro as examples.

While I agree fully that rear facing is much safer, I really do hate seeing people drag others for forward facing. There isn’t enough education for parents and there is so many forward facing seats out there, that of course many are going to think they are just as safe. I have had to rear face 2 of my children way before I wanted too, after spending a lot of money on rear facing car seats it was gutting. They are both neurodivergent and could escape any car seats straps. Being able to see them and pull over when needed was much safer for my children.

OP just be honest about your feelings with them. The car seat can always be used for when your child is older. 18 months is very young.

I read the guidance and it's safe for her to forward face. I wouldn't let her ride a bike without a helmet. That's like letting her sit in the backseat without a seatbelt.

Well, you're wrong

You're wrong

www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules

My child rearing years are passed and it was front facing after about 9 month in my day so, can I ask a stupid question? Where do their legs go when they're 3 or 4 but still rear facing?

They cross them

What an absolutely shitty low blow.

I didn't FF as early as @Babyybabyyy but I know which of you I think is a bad person and it's not the one who FF.

If you don't have space to rear face chances are you don't have space to forward face safely if in a seatbelt and hbb.

You need a certain distance between them and the seat in front as a survival gap. Can't remember what it is exactly but when their heads are thrown forward they can smash into the seat in front.

Many RF seats take up the same amount of space as the survival gap