To ask MIL not to use their car seat?

[WorriedAboutHurtingFeelings]

MIL bought a car seat for her car, for when they take our 18-month old DD somewhere. This is very kind of her and I'm grateful. But the one she's bought isn't rear-facing, and everything I've read indicates that children should stay rear-facing as long as possible.

MIL doesn't see DD very much (they live an hour away) so I don't want to discourage contact, but she's very sensitive and I'm worried that it will hurt her feelings when I insist they use our own rear-facing car seat if they do take DD somewhere. I also have a strong feeling that MIL thinks I am too protective and precious about DD.

AIBU to insist they use our rear-facing seat instead of the one they've bought? As far as I'm concerned, DD's safety comes before MIL's feelings, but DH feels awkward about it.

do you know what seat they bought? And did they buy it new?
I think you could approach it in a few different ways depending on the above

Can anyone link to any specific data on the relative safety please? I have found claims that RF is 90% safer than no restraint. Claims that the load on a neck is 5x greater FF compared to RF, from a manufacturer of RF car seats, so not unbiased.

But not how the reduced load specifically translates to risk of injury. To do that, you need to understand the risk of injury in the first place. A 90% reduction of what the rate of injury is without restraint. I am not arguing that we should go back to the 1970s, rather trying to fully evaluate how solid the evidence set is.

I haven't found the injury reduction from no restraint vs FF. So what is the actual delta between RF and FF?

One thing I'd like to note - a bunch of comments seem to suggest you are safer if it's short and closer to home journeys, are people not more likely to crash in these types of journey?

Yes, more likely to crash but more likely to be low speed, low impact - not fun but the child would likely be fine in any car seat. It's in high speed crashes with a very high risk of death and serious injuries for everyone in the car that the marginal benefits of RFing and higher rated seats come into play.

I found 77% reduction when FF as opposed to unrestrained.

If it wasn't safe for children to ff then it would be illegal to sell car seats that do so.

This simply isn't true - there are lots of items available to buy that aren't safe - cigarettes, energy drinks, rawhide chews for dogs - just because something is legal doesn't mean it's safe.

I don't have kids and RF wasn't really a thing when I was a child so I have no skin in the game either way.

I'm too lazy to do a lit review but DH did try when ours were little. He never found it.

Reduction in what? (Genuine question, not being arsey.)

That is older kids (4-10) with a properly positioned seatbelt.

YANBU my DD is 20 months and would not be going in a FF car seat. My MIL also bought a car seat but thankfully she got in touch first to ask which one she should get as she recognised she was a bit out of the loop with it all, and knows we have a FF seat.

As your MIL has already bought a seat I think I would offer to buy her another one rather than her being out of pocket again.

My 6 year old (in march) is still rearfacing. I find it safe and she finds it more comfortable - in rear facing seat she can cross her legs, in forward facing her legs just dangle. Unfortunately she has just a few cm to go before the height limit for the axkid now so will have to forward face soon. Her baby brother will then inherit the axkid as its still within date (outgrew her 360 at 18kg then into axkid)

She has to use a high back booster if grandad runs her down the road in his car, I hate it and she doesn't find it comfortable because of the dangle legs and adult seat belt. We don't allow those journeys unless short and necessary - just can't transfer seat between car each time because it tethers to the bars

Encourage a better seat if you can or wait until a bit older before putting them in grandmother's car, I could never forward face an 18 month old personally

Ok, so this is what I was going to ask, how do you physically get a 4, 5, 6 year old in a rear facing seat? My six year old is enormous. He would have to fold himself in half to get in a rear facing seat. Where do the kids’ legs go?

Just because it’s legal to forward face at younger ages does mean it’s safe. Extended rear facing is 5 times safer than forward facing. My 4 year old still rear-facing and we’re hoping to get at least another year out of his seat (Axkid Minikid 2). We didn’t have this issue with out grandparents, my mum was happy to buy the same car seat as us once I explained about the safety aspects and the very very rare occasions MIL has him in the car she uses our seat.

Could she return the seat she’s got and buy a cheaper rear-facing one. Joie Everystage is a cheaper option, particularly for a lower centile child (we had it in my husbands van but DS outgrew it as he turned 4 because of his height).

I'd just buy her one - just say some research popped up in your newsfeed (link it) and you've replaced your car seat and thought she would also want one, so saved her the hassle and ordered one direct to her.

From looking at the thread and the photos you (a) need to have a massive car (b) hope your child has short legs or will be comfortable with legs bent at the knee at quite a high angle for long periods and (c) hope no one in the front has long legs as their seats will need to be quite far forward. As I am a short person I might be able to get that to work in my fairly big car but not the little one I had when the kids were little.

I was pretty chilled with mine watching more telly and having late nights, more snacks with PIL.

i would never compromise on their safety.

In terms of cars needing to be huge - they really don't- I have two rear facing in a Peugeot 508 2016 model - much smaller than all the suburby wagons you see around the place

So much misinformation on this thread!

YANBU.

Yes forward facing is legal, but it isn't safe.

A rear facing cat seat has statistically better outcomes in crashed in ALL directions, including crashes from the rear.

You don't need a big car - I had 3 rear facing in a honda jazz.

My kids have complained far more about being uncomfortable when forward facing than they ever did rear facing.

When kids sit on the floor, on chairs, on the sofa, they choose to bend their legs, a child's natural sitting position is froggy style, which is much easier in a rear facing seat.

A Peugeot 508 is a relatively large car, not like a ford fiesta or Citroën c3. Of course it can fit 2 seats.

If you already have a RF seat she can use in her car, then just give it to her to use. Otherwise, buy another seat that is RF for her car. The FF seat your MIL got, either donate it or keep it for when your DC is older.

About being closer to home - you (and everyone else) are often travelling 15-20 mph, there is less chance of a high speed and therefore impact collision. I FF my 3 yr on trips to nursery / the supermarket but RF (in an ispin) if I am driving on dual carriageways / motorways etc.

I feel the same too, mine are 16, 13 and nearly 9, we did have a 360 spin for the youngest and he stayed rear facing to maybe close to 2, so I do know things changed on rear facing, but both my older ones forward faced around 9 months and I remember someone I knew putting their 5 month old forward facing when my eldest was a baby because he was big.

Like you, reading this thread does make me feel a bit like the grandparents who rolled their eyes at baby led weaning when I did it 16 years ago, because I had no idea rear facing longer was now so common, and my instant reaction was the occasional trip with a grandparent was fine. So I definitely agree to handle it sensitively with her, don’t go in all guns blazing about it. Will she realistically be taking her out any time soon or very often? Would there be an age in future you’d be happy for her to use the seat with your MIL, eg over 2, so you could say you’d prefer your own seat until she is a bit bigger but her seat would be great when she is older, or would it never be suitable (and if so could she still return it?)

RF being safer (data pending) doesn't make FF unsafe, it makes it less safe. Every parent has to choose for themselves which risks they are willing to take, and where the line is for them personally. Life is inherently risky, we cannot eliminate all risk from every activity.

Which car seat do you have that lasts until age 8, please? Our nearly 5 year old is rear-facing in a BeSafe Stretch, which I expect to last until she's about 6.5 as she's very tall. Thanks x

You need to go back to medical school if you're really a qualified medic. Forward facing is less safe but it isn't unsafe. Being in a car full stop is unsafe. Hopefully you tell your patients to never go in a car.

Thank you! These are all the reasons I forward face my 18 month old. I'm following the law and her car seat is safe. The women having a go at me should never put their child in a car full stop due to the small risks of being in car accident.