Boyfriend going on a stag do on my birthday

[Scribbleonapagee]

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

Why quote me? Why not just write your own post saying he’s in the wrong, if that’s what you think??
I can’t believe you read my post — of the many on here — and decided that was the one you wanted to take issue with.
Also, FWIW, there are no absolutes here. Your OPINION is that he’s in the wrong. My opinion differs.

@PinkiOcelot seriously rtft.

Just seen that money etc is an issue. I suppose that's a different issue to the birthday, it's just the logistics of him going away full stop. - that's a bit different

In that case he needs to be able to find some days he can stay at home to ease your load. Even if that was one day a month. Also working 7 days a week with no break is a way to burnout.
If he is doing the jobs for family and friends for free he needs to stop that.

I know this is off topic but a 5 night stag is an expensive trip especially with cash rich tradesmen 😳.

Even Eastern Europe for 5 days with I would imagine Stagg type activities would set you back a fair whack. If it’s May and it’s Ibiza or Benners then even more.

Then a reasonable BM wedding costs. Are you saying invited to the equally lavish hen do?

I'm with you @highdaysandholudays

Why on earth do MNers think it's OK for men to prioritise stag dos over family?? You see it all the time here. It's a holiday, not a sacred event. The wedding is the important bit.

I like to think there are a lot of men on here, because I can’t bring myself to imagine other women would be so unkind to an exhausted new mother whom is struggling with no support.

I hope you are okay op 💐💐

I'd say the birthday issue isn't actually the problem. If he can't afford 5 days abroad then he needs to tell his mate that. If there's other lads who can't go too. Then they can all pick a night to go out once the rest of the guys get back from the stag.

That's a bit spiteful isn't it? The OP is just a bit sad about it.

It's difficult to coordinate dates for a group of people. @Scribbleonapagee i hope you do get the birthday you'd like on a different weekend.

He’s not though, is he.

OP has already made it very clear that the 7 day working week is needed for the household finances while she is on maternity and has nothing to do with the stag.

He’d be working those hours whether he went or he didn’t.

I appreciate that you are disappointed , your first one as a Mum etc.

That said he is grafting away as you both decided so you can have 9 months maternity leave.

I would have 2birthdays - on the actual day whilst he is away arrange something lovely with your Mum or your best friend, sister etc and then have a special day with your DP as originally arranged

having a different opinion is not "horrible", chill.

Of course you can have a day to feel special. It can be the weekend before or the weekend after! Why the need for the drama and over-reaction?

Would YOU refuse to go on a one-off trip when you can celebrate at home another day? Why?

If it's too hard to see him working 7 days a week - which it is, has he suggested the OP goes back to work early so they have 2 income and he has his weekends off?

With the cost of childcare, realistically they will need to take alternate time off, so they will each be in charge of the children alone on their days off when the other one is working

Then they wonder why their relationships disintegrate, it’s because there are no standards or red lines whatsoever. He is free to blow thousands of pounds of money they don’t have, wasting annual leave he could be using to support op. And that’s fine.

The bar is just so low on here today it’s depressing to read.

When does her husband get a break?

They could take a holiday together and take it in turns.

If you have a good relationship with your mum then do ask for support when you need it, i promise she won't think it's a burden and if you are close she'll tell you if its too much or if she can't. Honestly I bet she would much rather you say than not mention it (although it's clear you care about her which is why you're hesistant. You are not a burden (just in case you needed to hear it again).

I’ve found Mumsnet are really weird about birthdays. It’s like if you want to celebrate it past the age of 18, you’re selfish/a spoiled child/weird. Of course YANBU to be disappointed and upset. You aren’t asking him to change the date or anything. I feel like pretty much all my friends would feel crap about this, so would my mum… it’s not just you.

For what it’s worth, my boyfriend would literally not ever say yes to that date… because it’s my birthday. I would never ever plan anything on his either. In my world, birthdays are special days. Yes, I appreciate you can celebrate another weekend and you would be of course unreasonable to ask them to change the date at this point but it’s mad to suggest you’re being unreasonable to feel disappointed about this. I think a lot of people in the real world would but admitting you would like to celebrate your birthday brings a lot of weird vitriol on here.

She's said that he's working those hours to afford her maternity leave and barely making ends meet to the point that she doesn't know how they're going to manage when her maternity pay drops further. So it's hard to see how a five day stag extravaganza is in the budget.

The problem is not the party and birthday, the problem is that you are feeling unimportant for your partner in a difficul new-mum stage when you are on your own every day with the baby. Thats tough. We are not designed to be alone with a baby all day everyday. Its exhausting.

why on earth are so many MNers hating stag dos AND hen dos?

Many of us are maybe a bit more understanding.. because we go away with our girlfriends on our and their hens! 😂

A lot of us have a life, just the same as our husband!

I’d like to change my vote. Having read all your updates, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want a weekend where you’re not solo parenting. Given the stag is 4 months away, I hope he can take some time off before then to be at home (maybe a couple of days annual leave so he’s not loosing pay). Something has to give, or both of you will burn out.

All I have asked is if it’s unreasonable to feel upset by this. If you think it is unreasonable, you can say so without being this rude about it. I haven’t said he can’t go, I haven’t made a big deal about it, I’m just posting here to talk through my feelings with people to see whether I might be being over sensitive, or whether it’s a valid. I don’t think me asking this question warrants such a sarcastic and rude response really

If I had a hen do and one of my good mates said she couldn’t come because it was her boyfriend’s birthday, I’d be a bit miffed!

The stag clashing with my birthday wouldn’t bother me too much - it can be difficult to arrange these things with dates that suit everyone and I’m not sure a partners birthday, unless a milestone one, would be a big reason to ask for different dates.

I’d be annoyed by the fact it’s basically a weeks holiday he’s going on!

sounds like he works hard and puts many hours in, I wouldn’t deny him a break but I think 5 nights away is selfish especially given that you have a baby and debt.

i’ve declined hen weekends of good friends in the past as I couldn’t afford the cost of fancy 4 day breaks abroad, nor justify it when we had kids to look after and limited childcare help or annual leave (never been the maid of honour though so didn’t have that added pressure or guilt of feeling I HAD to go)
but there would usually be an extra date arranged for a second hen, just a local night out so everyone could still celebrate but without the commitment or cost of a weekend away.

you said he helps out friends and family on weekends, will try and work more to cover the stag expenses, didn’t want to cause more issues with the dates so sounds a little like he doesn’t like to say no to people or feel awkward speaking up (I could be reading this comeplety wrong) and so it feels like he’s prioritising others over your feelings?

you have a young baby who wasn’t planned, finance difficulties, and a partner you don’t get to spend much time with now he’s increased his workload and so I’m guessing your relationship has changed a lot to accommodate this and I get that wanting to spend some time together even just at home would be nice, and sounds like it doesn’t happen often if this is something you have to plan as a birthday months in advance so I would feel frustrated that it appears so easy for him to just be able to find the free time and money for 5 nights abroad. I’d probably feel more generous if it was a 2 night away stag. I’m not sure why anyone needs a 5 night stag or hen trip though so maybe I just have different thinking.