Boyfriend going on a stag do on my birthday

[Scribbleonapagee]

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

A total non issue. You get a birthday every year. I’d hope this chap would only be having one stag party. Plus your husband would look a total bellend if he said to his mate ‘oh its my wife’s birthday, can we change the date of the stag party’. Although if he did get his mate to change the weekend, whenever it did happen it would give all the guys a good laugh taking the piss out of your husband for being so under the thumb. Come on OP, get real.

That's a very mean spirited interpretation. Why assume the OP is exaggerating, other than to justify you sticking the boot in?

The man is working hard bc they have no money ergo of course he can't afford a 5 day holiday abroad.

Yeah he’s a real superhero- doing all this while she sits on her arse and does nothing. Doing homers for friends at the weekend is not 12 hour shifts down a coal mine. And I’ll wager the “housework” in the evening is just scratching the surface because @Scribbleonapagee has been too tied up caring for their baby all day.

I mean it’s not like being a new mum to your totally dependent first child is difficult or time consuming. I think it’s you who needs to take a look at yourself, love, and apply some critical thinking instead of kicking a woman when she’s down.

But the thing is, it’s everyone else who has an issue with this, not me. I started the thread for the reason that was bothering me, which is that it’s on my birthday. I have answered people questions about how long it’s for and explained why I was looking forward to my birthday. And now other people have decided that the issue is actually the length of the trip and money, which isn’t what I made the thread about.

Hey, I’m going to a funeral in my birthday.

You are being ridiculous.

No, I probably wouldn't have fancied a 5 day "piss up" with a 6 months old at home, but a 5 day city or beach break with a spa for my friend's hen? Absolutely! Obviously not in Australia, but within a couple of hours flight? Yes, I'd trust their dad with my 6 month olds.

You have a better family unit if you don't start a "who's the most tired" and are resentful and giving up on life. You start taking an hour here and there so the baby is used to be with someone else. How do you think we all manage?

Is so much drama (on this thread) necessary because an adult will celebrate their birthday on a different day, when the only "plan" was to stay home and chill? Really?

At first I was thinking you were being unreasonable and a bit of a diva. Ordinarily, at another stage in life (pre kids or when they are a bit older), of course the stag do should prioritise an adults birthday. However the more information you give about your current circumstances the more I sympathise. At 2 months post partum and basically a single parent in terms of caring for baby of course you're going to be feeling emotional, exhausted and resentful of this additional freedom your partner has planned.

I know from his point of view he deserves this, he's working like a slave and 'doing his bit' by putting food on the table. However I remember those early years (I too had a husband only saw baby on a Sunday due to work) and the unfairness when he felt able to have weekends away (never 5 days though, that's ridiculous). I could never be afforded the same freedom as he was basically a stranger to baby and she would not settle for him and I would have felt guilty.

Take your birthday out of the whole question, you need a break/some support , he needs to take at least one weekend off a month or both you and he are heading for serious problems. This is a tough period and you do have to just 'get through it' but you also need something to look forward to. Tighten your belts as much as possible and try to have a little bit of family time together. With regards to the stag, his best friend should be understanding of his situation, if he loves him and wants him there he should be happy for him to go for 3 nights (more than reasonable in my opinion) and somewhere relatively cheap.

I’m a big believer that it’s about the day not the date. So do something with your mum or mates on your actual birthday but make him promise to spend a special birthday day with you when he gets back.

You can't expect him (and all his friends) not to go, so you can lie in bed with a cup of tea in the morning? If you're only gifted that "luxury" your birthday to do that, then you need to look at the rest of your life. It's hardly a luxury to just have him actually parent his kid one morning while you lay in.

I'd be more pissed off that he's spending all that money to go away for 5 days, because without this expense he presumably wouldn't need to do so much OT - but then he sounds like he grafts uncomplainingly to do so.

However, what do we work for? Sometimes we need to work to pay for something other than the normal shitty grind of bills, food, car repairs etc...

Would he care if you wanted to go away for 5 days on a Hen Do? If you were maid of honour?

if it's so black and white (and I am replying to you, not throwing digs at the OP, but you are the one being ridiculous)

why doesn't the OP go back to work full time, and they share the baby and the housework equally?

Probably solved. They can both have a rest at work then.

OK, in that case, I apologise for derailing and will let everyone get back to calling you a princess.

Is it your 21st birthday party?

I would be upset if it were a big birthday with invitations etc gone out.
Otherwise, he can remember your birthday without being at home. Choose another date to celebrate if you are the celebratery type.

They're not separate things though?

If money weren't an issue the obvious solution is to celebrate your birthday the weekend before, it's not ideal but not that big a deal.

But because of the money issue he cannot take a single other day off if he goes on the stag, in which case it's more reasonable thar you're so disappointed, to miss out entirely on a nice break.

Ah ok. Then in that case, YABU.

You are already looking forward to your birthday - in May ?!!!

Plenty of time between now and then to have this ' family ' day out and to let you have a ' lie in ' and him to parent his child for a couple of hours.

Yes i can totally understand him putting in the over time esp as you are on maternity leave.

I think you’re being just a bit precious. He is best man, he has to go. My hubby was a groomsman last year and had to miss my step daughter’s wedding as the stag fell on that weekend. Couldn’t be helped. Celebrate the week after or before.

Nah, no way. The superhero dad is working 7 days then cleaning the house top to bottom in the evenings, leaving little time to get to know his baby daughter. No way would a sensible mum leave their first born at such a young age for 5 days to go on a jolly (which the family can’t afford) with a dad who’s barely cared for the child. It’s all very well looking back once your DC are that bit older and you know their dad is capable of attending to their needs. But as a new mum whose partner has not cared extensively for the baby, you’d not have that insight/confidence.

You’re just displaying the cool wife mentality that allows men to take the piss and portrays women as the needy nags.

This.

Better now than when you're working again. My OH went away when baby was seven months old. Central heating oil ran out. Thankfully we had a log burner because it was so cold.

Have a nice treat another time.

Wait - he missed his daughter’s wedding for a stag do?! Please tell me I’m interpreting this wrong?

Grow up it’s only a birthday! Do something with some girlfriends to celebrate! Expecting someone to change the date of their stag because it’s your birthday, is childish and shows your sense of entitlement!

@Scribbleonapagee if the length and cost of the trip are no issue to your feelings and it’s purely that the stag is on your birthday, I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable to feel a little hurt that your first birthday as a mum and family won’t be spent together. If you were stomping your feet and telling him he cannot go as it’s your birthday, I think that would be unreasonable.
it is difficult to accommodate everyone and arrange a date that suits, in general if this is the date the majority can make I don’t think a partners birthday is enough reason to ask everyone to find other dates, likelihood is that any other dates would clash for somebody for some reason.
if nothing is yet planned and they are still just throwing dates and plan ideas around, I don’t think it would have been out of order for him and I just say to the group ‘if possible could we try and avoid the first week of May (or whatever date) but understand if this is the only time that suits most’
it still shows he’s thinking of you, but gives you the heads up that he might unfortunately be away for your birthday.
different if you and he had set plans booked, but can see why he wouldn’t necessarily think a day home for a chilled morning or a lie in would count as plans important enough to disrupt a stag do for everyone else.
but I would expect him to plan a day off for you to have your day the week before or after to compromise

He... what?

He missed his daughters wedding for a stag????

My step daughter - not his daughter. Sorry, I wasn’t clear!! It still meant I had to go on my own, but couldn’t be helped. She understood.