Page 6 | Does anyone wish they hadn’t had a second child (despite obviously loving that child now they are here)

Mumwhatathat · 2025-01-17T13:41:27+00:00

Just that really. I’m on the fence about a second and feel it’s more a society pressure about when you’re having the next, rather than wanting another. Any plus points to having one?

Burntt · 20/01/2025 23:12

My second child is disabled. I now cannot work as I need to care for him and there are no school places suitable for him. He needs constant supervision. The whole family out of necessity has to revolve around his needs. My eldest can and must wait for my attention, must be independent, must understand her brothers needs. She is missing out on her childhood. We are living in poverty. I pay interest only in the mortgage and when I'm too old to care for my son there won't be time left to pay it off. When I die my kids will get nothing when they should have had my house at least. I'm a shell of a person now. Can't do so many normal things with the kids. Dd can't have play dates. I love my son more than my own life but if I were you OP and happy with how my life was I would never have another child now I know that it's just a roll of the dice and you get one who's needs fuck everything up for everyone around them. And I could never say this unless I was anonymous because when you have a child like this you know it's not their fault and you feel terrible for them as you see them realise the impact their disability has. You cannot even acknowledge how hard life is because doing so hurts your child. I always say this now when people ask in here about having another child: don't assume your child will be healthy and normal and childcare and school will just fall into place like it did for your first.

bookworm14 · 20/01/2025 23:17

I’m so sorry, burntt. That sounds incredibly hard.

I think most people simply never consider the possibility that they will have a severely disabled child. As someone with a severely disabled sibling I was very much aware of it, and it was a (secondary) factor in deciding to stop at one child myself.

BertieBotts · 20/01/2025 23:19

There are loads of benefits to sticking with just one, it just wasn't the life I wanted ultimately.

Don't have a second if you feel it's societal pressure. Have a second if you want a second. It's a huge responsibility and a big lifestyle change.

Look up "one and done" if you want more one-child positivity. Once they are out of the very needy baby and toddler stages, it's a different lifestyle entirely to juggling multiple little ones (IME). I had one for 10 years and now I have three. No regrets :)

Enough4me · 20/01/2025 23:26

My two played together when younger (primary age) but the eldest now a young adult just wants to live with me and my 15 year old with his dad. I have never regretted having two (love seeing them grow) and they do still share a connection, but if either were single DC they would have been content too.

mswales · 20/01/2025 23:29

Sorry if it's a bit morbid but aside from all the things people have said here, a factor for me in wanting a second was not wanting my kid to be on his own when me and his dad get old (if we are lucky enough to) and die. It's such a huge weight nursing someone elderly and/or dying, and doing the immense amount of death admin afterwards while needing to grieve. I know this burden is often very unequally shared among siblings but at least they won't be alone in it.

lucky111 · 20/01/2025 23:31

Unpaidviewer · 17/01/2025 14:33

We are one and done. I couldn't imagine having to split my time between 2 children and having 1 means we can travel and do more with DS.

I agree, I’m the same
I’m happy with one and feel I’d be spreading myself too thin with 2 as we have zero support
I honestly don’t know how we survived the newborn phase , I wouldn’t put myself through that again. It would be nice for him to have a sibling but a mum who is sane and happy is far more important

LostittoBostik · 20/01/2025 23:32

No I feel the opposite. It's a fuck ton of work but I was talked into it by my DH and it's the best decision I've ever made. I find being a mum of 2 easier somehow. You can't be so obsessed with the detail when there's two and that's been much healthier for me - and them! Plus the relationship between them brings me so much joy which I hadn't expected

LostittoBostik · 20/01/2025 23:37

Burntt · 20/01/2025 23:12

My second child is disabled. I now cannot work as I need to care for him and there are no school places suitable for him. He needs constant supervision. The whole family out of necessity has to revolve around his needs. My eldest can and must wait for my attention, must be independent, must understand her brothers needs. She is missing out on her childhood. We are living in poverty. I pay interest only in the mortgage and when I'm too old to care for my son there won't be time left to pay it off. When I die my kids will get nothing when they should have had my house at least. I'm a shell of a person now. Can't do so many normal things with the kids. Dd can't have play dates. I love my son more than my own life but if I were you OP and happy with how my life was I would never have another child now I know that it's just a roll of the dice and you get one who's needs fuck everything up for everyone around them. And I could never say this unless I was anonymous because when you have a child like this you know it's not their fault and you feel terrible for them as you see them realise the impact their disability has. You cannot even acknowledge how hard life is because doing so hurts your child. I always say this now when people ask in here about having another child: don't assume your child will be healthy and normal and childcare and school will just fall into place like it did for your first.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Do you get any respite care? Is your partner and wider family supportive?
I'm glad you wrote this post. Honestly it was one of the top potential reasons in my "no" column and if DH wasn't so keen I think it would have kept me to one child.

Mumof1andacat · 20/01/2025 23:37

mswales · 20/01/2025 23:29

Sorry if it's a bit morbid but aside from all the things people have said here, a factor for me in wanting a second was not wanting my kid to be on his own when me and his dad get old (if we are lucky enough to) and die. It's such a huge weight nursing someone elderly and/or dying, and doing the immense amount of death admin afterwards while needing to grieve. I know this burden is often very unequally shared among siblings but at least they won't be alone in it.

Never bank on this. My mum is 1 of 8! No one wanted to deal with any of it, so it was left for mum to sort out. The other siblings were very happy to accept the inheritance, but we're to busy to help sort the house, etc.

lucky111 · 20/01/2025 23:39

bookworm14 · 18/01/2025 10:02

We can be defensive because we are so often told we are selfish (including on this thread) and that our children will be lonely and unhappy. Are we just supposed to agree?

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This is true
but I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks
I’m the one who has to go through another pregnancy , sleepless nights, constant sleep deprivation
do what you are happy with
stuff what anyone thinks

lucky111 · 20/01/2025 23:55

Burntt · 20/01/2025 23:12

My second child is disabled. I now cannot work as I need to care for him and there are no school places suitable for him. He needs constant supervision. The whole family out of necessity has to revolve around his needs. My eldest can and must wait for my attention, must be independent, must understand her brothers needs. She is missing out on her childhood. We are living in poverty. I pay interest only in the mortgage and when I'm too old to care for my son there won't be time left to pay it off. When I die my kids will get nothing when they should have had my house at least. I'm a shell of a person now. Can't do so many normal things with the kids. Dd can't have play dates. I love my son more than my own life but if I were you OP and happy with how my life was I would never have another child now I know that it's just a roll of the dice and you get one who's needs fuck everything up for everyone around them. And I could never say this unless I was anonymous because when you have a child like this you know it's not their fault and you feel terrible for them as you see them realise the impact their disability has. You cannot even acknowledge how hard life is because doing so hurts your child. I always say this now when people ask in here about having another child: don't assume your child will be healthy and normal and childcare and school will just fall into place like it did for your first.

My heart and soul goes out to you
you are a warrior

HolyGrailSeeker · 21/01/2025 00:25

My experience:

One is easier.
Two is more fun.

HamptonPlace · 21/01/2025 13:48

itstoocoldtoday · 20/01/2025 18:43

I have and love my two children but I still find this a bit of a strange comeback. I didn’t have DC2 as a playmate for DC1; I had her because I wanted another child myself.

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I was merely reacting to the comment made on my comment. I wanted and adore all 3 of my children, not just because they are playmates (sometimes!) but for their unique joyful selves....

HamptonPlace · 21/01/2025 13:51

Caravaggiouch · 20/01/2025 18:57

I like my child, I didn’t need to have a sibling to palm her off on to. She doesn’t monopolise my time any more than any other child would, and is perfectly capable of playing with a doll or with other toys independently as well as with me.

(Am not suggesting that’s why every parent of more than one child has 2+, before people get their knickers in a twist…but this is such a strange response.)

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just a response to the idea that having an only child gives the parent(s) more free time... From my only-child friends that has not been the case... but maybe that's just me and my friend groups...