Does anyone wish they hadn’t had a second child (despite obviously loving that child now they are here)

[Mumwhatathat]

Just that really. I’m on the fence about a second and feel it’s more a society pressure about when you’re having the next, rather than wanting another. Any plus points to having one?

Absolutely not, don't regret her or our third who was very much a surprise.

I have friends with onlies and they love it and I see so many benefits.
I have friends with 2 (both same sex and opposite sex) who don't get on at all.
I have two and they get on brilliantly. There are times in the early years when you do feel pulled between the two, but for those who say "I don't want to miss out on time with them" - remember that as your children grow and become more independent they will pull away a bit or go out and have hobbies. During those times, I get time with my other one. We also get time just the three of us (single parent) which I adore.
I also feel less guilty working longer hours in the office now because they are at home together, but that's a bonus, not a reason to have another child!

Word of warning, I have a four year gap, opposite sexes - they have never played nicely together, ever. Full on rivalry and bickering. My eldest often says she wishes she was an only child. I just hope they get on better when they're a bit older.

I am the older sister to a brother 4.5 years younger. Childhood much as you describe though not sure I ever went as far as saying I wished he’d never been born. We have been close since his mid twenties, all great now. So it may take a long time but yours could well get there.

Hand on heart, I have to say that having a second child was the best decision we made. They are best friends and help each other hugely in confidence and socially. I’d have hated to stop at one (although worried about having a second initially).

Youngest is only 18 months but so far I love having two :) they’re a boy and a girl 5 years apart and I’ve been surprised how well they play together!

No, never. Having two was the best decision we ever made, even though I'm mostly doing it on my own now.

I was an only child, there are pros and cons. But in the end I felt like the cons outweighed the pros (for me personally, not for my parents necessarily) and my now ex husband was an only child and felt the same. So we had two.

But also I just want to say that the only good reason to have a child is if you want one! No matter if they are your first, second, third. If you don't want another child, that's completely valid and you shouldn't feel pressured into having another. When I was younger, I was seen as a bit of an oddity, but now it's much more common, so you will find other parents who have made the same choice and who you can relate to.

You don't say how old your child is, but bear in mind as your child gets older you may change your mind or make a firm decision. One family I know have 2 children with a 7 year gap between them, they just weren't ready for another until then. Don't feel like you have to have a "typical" age gap.

Yes , second child has sn and as much as I adore him . I'm scared for what happens when I'm dead ..

I feel that in some ways I would have been a better parent to 1 (less screen time, earlier bedtimes, more homework focus) because when they tag-team or fight it runs me ragged. Also, they are both still very attached to me and want me to play, so it didn't get me out of that one. But it's lovely when they cuddle up, or look after each other, and I am glad that my eldest has a sibling relationship (I'm an only).

@HotCrossBunplease no, my children aren’t narrow-minded. They were just reflecting on their own experiences with gratitude and fondness. They love Christmases and family holidays. They have fun together. They want to have big families themselves. People can be very mean and judgemental about big families so I suppose that’s the context (which is off topic for this particular thread).

But anyway, this is AIBU so it’s the place for people to express different opinions 🙄

No don’t have a second for the first child it doesnt work that way

but no I dont regret having a second she is gorgeous as is my first and I love being a mum

People can be very mean and judgemental about big families so I suppose that’s the context

And others can be mean and judgemental about small families, as this thread has demonstrated.

@bookworm14 If you told me that you have an only child who tells you how much they enjoy being an only child I wouldn’t be offended.

People are simply sharing their experiences on the thread. Some people have said they enjoy having an only. Some people have said they don’t get on with their siblings. That is fine. My experience is that my own siblings made a very difficult childhood easier. And my children enjoy having siblings. And are grateful for them.

DS (18) is an only and has never mentioned his lack of siblings.

He does have a good group of friends and a girlfriend, and has been unaffected. It’s been a benefit in some ways as we’ve been able to afford to pay for driving lessons, a car, insurance, while he’s at college, something that we would have struggled with if we had more DC.

Yes there were times I felt sad about him not having siblings but I didn’t dwell on it too much. DH and his DB don’t get on AT ALL, so there’s no guarantee even if DS had a sibling, that there would be harmony and a great relationship.

I have a 3yo DD and I don't think we will have another, for various reasons including my health.

But I've got to admit I HATE comments like this about how our life must be quiet and boring? Why? We are fun people (I think anyway!), DD has a big personality and we are constantly laughing, messing around etc and enjoying life. DH has some friends who have 3 kids but they are a very quiet family despite their being 5 of them, which is totally fine but it's totally family/personality dependant surely?!

Like how in films like Cheaper by the dozen the family of 12 are all lovely and fun whereas the one child family are all portrayed as stiff and dull.

Gets my goat 😂 not the point of the thread

But you can “reflect on your own experience with gratitude and fondness” without phrasing it as a pitying declaration that the life of someone who had a different experience must be unimaginably “boring”.

PS my only DS also loves Christmas and family holidays 🤷‍♀️

Having two is tough but I would never change it. As an adult I can’t imagine not having my siblings. BUT I wouldn’t have had my second child if I wasn’t sure about it.

Honestly you will drive yourself bonkers asking questions like this and comparing yourself! Do what feels right for you and your child sod everyone else. For every child lonely and bored as an only you will find others who love being an only child. For every child who adores the loud jolly family of 7 there will be another that bloody hated it. Your kid will just have to deal the hand life gives them frankly as we all do.

Randomly on my street literally all the new young families have an only boy (5 families).

I had two older DBs who were close in age, therefore being the only girl, I didn’t have that close sibling bond.

There were many arguments growing up and I often stayed at my grandparents house to get some peace and quiet as the house was ‘busy’. Ioved staying with them.

I never felt lonely though and as we’ve grown up, we have had many nights out together in the past, and it’s great having older brothers but we don’t see each other often, usually special occasions and Christmas.

I much prefer my own company now and I’m not an ‘only’! I grew up in a noisy house, maybe that’s why, who knows. We’re all different, having a sibling doesn’t guarantee you a life long friend, DH is a great example of that. DS has honestly never asked about siblings. He has cousins who bickered (boy/girl dynamic) and he was always thankful when we came home to peace and no annoying sibling(s).

but can you relax when only child is constantly monopolising your time, instead of playing football, or with doll or even (heaven forfend!) computer games with their sibling(s)?

I have and love my two children but I still find this a bit of a strange comeback. I didn’t have DC2 as a playmate for DC1; I had her because I wanted another child myself.

I like my child, I didn’t need to have a sibling to palm her off on to. She doesn’t monopolise my time any more than any other child would, and is perfectly capable of playing with a doll or with other toys independently as well as with me.

(Am not suggesting that’s why every parent of more than one child has 2+, before people get their knickers in a twist…but this is such a strange response.)

I was speaking from the point of view of the child!