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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone wish they hadn’t had a second child (despite obviously loving that child now they are here)

139 replies

Mumwhatathat · 17/01/2025 13:41

Just that really. I’m on the fence about a second and feel it’s more a society pressure about when you’re having the next, rather than wanting another. Any plus points to having one?

OP posts:
Porcelainpig · 17/01/2025 14:51

Some days it is really difficult with DC2 because of his disabilities which are largely mental. He is very challenging and it has interfered with the relationship of DC1 as it has been all about DC2 and manging his needs. I do love them both a lot, but I was very close to my first child and that bond changed when DC2 came, and the siblings aren't particularly close either. Of course i don't regret DC2 and love him and relationships and dependencies change as they age, but it has been bloody hard!

flipflop76 · 17/01/2025 14:53

BraOffPjsOn · 17/01/2025 13:46

I would hate to just have one as I feel they get so much out of having a sibling.

Two is so much more work though - the bickering over nothing etc but on the other hand we can go to soft play or the park now and off they go to play together and we don’t have to be climbing with them.

Not always. I have a very difficult relationship with my sibling so I would never have wanted my daughter (who is an only child) to go through that.
I could only have one as I had my daughter in my 40s and I just know that having two would be beyond my ability to cope. I feel stretched to the max with one child, physically, mentally and emotionally!

Hankunamatata · 17/01/2025 14:56

I loved being an only and there's no guarantee siblings will get on. I know 3 or 4 people who have actively disliked their siblings since mid primary age

Lidlisthebusiness · 17/01/2025 15:11

I have never regretted having any of our children for a second, and I'm about to have our 6th. I can't imagine ever having stopped at just one, and life has just evolved with each new addition.

CheshireCat1 · 17/01/2025 15:17

I was close to my three siblings, we still are and are a massive support to each other. I have three, they’re close too, they also have their own friends. They’re adults now and their partners get on well too. I think we’ve been lucky.

IButtleSir · 17/01/2025 15:20

brummumma · 17/01/2025 14:18

My child's sibling ended up being twins. Destroyed my marriage but I don't regret it. Yes it's bloody hard work. But the relationship between my eldest and the twins is lovely - and it's my job as their parent to ensure this relationship endures Into Adulthood by raising well rounded happy and kind children. I do personally find being deliberately one and done for material reasons a tad selfish. But maybe because my ex husband was an only child and he very much has all of the negative personality traits of not having grown up with a sibling.

Having children at all is selfish! You're not doing it to benefit anyone else, are you?

Let's not pretend that parents of two or more children are these wonderful, selfless beings.

lompi · 17/01/2025 15:21

I am inclined to agree with most PP about having two.

Initially I thought I had fucked up DC1s life. Now I realise - now that they're best of friends - that it was the greatest gift I could've given them (although this wasn't my reason for wanting another!).

CuriouslyMinded · 17/01/2025 15:23

I've really appreciated the comments on this thread.
I am 35 and my DD has just turned 2. I have been thinking about having another, I do feel a pull towards that life path, but I also have to be honest with myself in that I am far more upright and less patient than I thought I would be. I had terrible PND for the first year of DDs life and now I desperately want to be the best mother I can be for her. Having another child and more demands on my patience and time would not work for me and as sad as I am to admit that, I have to be realistic about who and how I am because someone's childhood rests on my shoulders.
Good luck OP! I hope you make a choice that brings you happiness and fulfilment ❤️

Twirlywurly2 · 17/01/2025 15:23

brummumma · 17/01/2025 14:18

My child's sibling ended up being twins. Destroyed my marriage but I don't regret it. Yes it's bloody hard work. But the relationship between my eldest and the twins is lovely - and it's my job as their parent to ensure this relationship endures Into Adulthood by raising well rounded happy and kind children. I do personally find being deliberately one and done for material reasons a tad selfish. But maybe because my ex husband was an only child and he very much has all of the negative personality traits of not having grown up with a sibling.

Three things:

  1. It was worth it even destroying your marriage in the process? I'm guessing there were other factors involved here?
  2. It's a very outdated opinion to think it's selfish to have one for material reasons. What about the families who genuinely can't afford another?
  3. Why do you assume your ex's negative traits are down to being an only child?
Veryoldandtired · 17/01/2025 15:25

I’m an only child so I had 2.
Having said that life with one child is generally easier and probably more fun. One can fit in, two - you have to accommodate.
I don’t regret having my second. She does complete us as a family and we all adore her. I like the dynamics between DS and DD. This way DS gets to stay younger for longer too.
there’s no right or wrong answer though.

HotCrossBunplease · 17/01/2025 15:27

I really wish you’d phrased that question differently. The fact that you feel the need to ask if there are ANY plus points to having an only child suggests that you are very steeped in societal prejudice against/pity for only children. There may not be enough for you to convince you to stop at one, but it’s insulting to suggest that you can’t even think of a single one for yourself.

mandarindreams · 17/01/2025 15:28

Not to take this discussion slightly off-topic, but from reading this so much of the positive about having a second seems to be about how close the siblings are, how they play with each other, having a best friend for life - but doesn't this mean that they have to be close in age? We've been struggling with secondary infertility and if we ever do manage to have a second there'll be at least a 4 year gap now - this makes me wonder if there's even any point, given they'll be too far apart to be friends?

nam3c4ang3 · 17/01/2025 15:33

I had my second because i wanted to - and my sister in law - who is an only practically begged me to have another as said said the loneliness was the most unbearable part of her life - i have 2 but i would say it was because i really wanted a second. Do they fight? every bladdy day - but there are those moments i catch when they are not looking, the little ones, like one of them gets a drink for the other, or gives their last pizza slice, or holds their hand while the other is crying. Yesterday my older child was upset they didnt get some test question right, my other younger said to them 'you are the smartest person i know'... Those little moments make it all worthwhile. I wouldn't change it at all.

nam3c4ang3 · 17/01/2025 15:34

mandarindreams · 17/01/2025 15:28

Not to take this discussion slightly off-topic, but from reading this so much of the positive about having a second seems to be about how close the siblings are, how they play with each other, having a best friend for life - but doesn't this mean that they have to be close in age? We've been struggling with secondary infertility and if we ever do manage to have a second there'll be at least a 4 year gap now - this makes me wonder if there's even any point, given they'll be too far apart to be friends?

there is 8 years between me and my siblings - and 16 years between my older sibling and younger - we are very very very close.

HamptonPlace · 17/01/2025 15:34

Have at least one more. Whatever about playdates, they're no a replacement for another child to grow up with 24/7..

devilspawn · 17/01/2025 15:36

mandarindreams · 17/01/2025 15:28

Not to take this discussion slightly off-topic, but from reading this so much of the positive about having a second seems to be about how close the siblings are, how they play with each other, having a best friend for life - but doesn't this mean that they have to be close in age? We've been struggling with secondary infertility and if we ever do manage to have a second there'll be at least a 4 year gap now - this makes me wonder if there's even any point, given they'll be too far apart to be friends?

I think it purely comes down to the people.

There's 4 years between me and my sister, we were never really that close and we haven't spoken at all in 10 years, she didn't invite me to her wedding either.

There's 18 months between my friend's kids, one is ND and one NT and they don't get on at all.

My partner and his brother are 2 years apart and it used to drive him crazy having a little brother tagging along all the time wanting to be friends with his friends.

There's 2 years between another friend's kids, they get on fine.

A big age gap is nothing to worry about, especially the older they are. They'll either be friends or they won't and age has nothing to do with it.

PeloMom · 17/01/2025 15:36

Society doesn’t pay your bills, provide childcare, take care of your kid when is sick or make your life in any shape or form easier. You do what YOU’d be happy with.

CurbsideProphet · 17/01/2025 15:36

My sibling and I only started getting along when we were 15 and 18. My DH only started getting along properly with his sibling in their late teens. I hadn't realised siblings could get along so well as children!

HotCrossBunplease · 17/01/2025 15:37

HamptonPlace · 17/01/2025 15:34

Have at least one more. Whatever about playdates, they're no a replacement for another child to grow up with 24/7..

Yes, after a play date you can leave the annoying other child behind and relax in the peace of your own home. So often I wished my brother lived in a different house…

LillyLeaf · 17/01/2025 15:40

stanleypops66 · 17/01/2025 13:51

we can go to soft play or the park now and off they go to play together and we don’t have to be climbing with them.

I've one child (now a teenager) but I had lots of friends with same age kids, so spent a lot of time in soft play and parks. They all played together, didn't bicker, then I could go home to my nice calm bicker free house. Win win

I have one 4.5 year old, it's bliss. So many siblings seem to fight or ignore each other. We couldn't have a second but actually I think life is so much calmer with one, he's a delight. Also he hasn't asked for a sibling yet so I've not felt guilty.

swingandtrampoline · 17/01/2025 15:40

RabbitsEatPancakes · 17/01/2025 13:57

Not regret but I did have moments of sadness about a few things I couldn't do with my DS when we had DD because I was heavily pregnant and then had newborn.

Pretty short lived though as now we've left baby days they play together really well and get on well. They always want to sit next to each other and it's great they always have a playmate on days out. Really lovely to see.

I'm an only child and always played very independently at home, it's seems quite lonely looking back now when I see my too giggling together or giving each other bedtime cuddles.

Edited

I felt I missed at least a year of my dc1's life for this reason. I was very sick during pregnancy and the early days were very harsh with a newborn. Add in sleep deprivation where you have a short fuse and get frustrated very easily, normally a spilled drink would be fine to clean but under the circumstances you then snap when you normally wouldn't with the older child as you're tired, struggling with the newborn.

There's also other things you cannot do with dc1 due to baby napping or baby needs to be bf. All in all I'm glad I had dc2 but I feel sad about being out of the baby stage with dc1 and only to get to a stage where we could enjoy each others company, we then went onto having another baby. But they love each other and dc1 has become more independent and learnt how to manage boredom creatively rather than constant input and being out and about.

MarigoldSpider · 17/01/2025 15:45

To start with I was surprised by how much the second child dented my relationship with the first child. There is 2.5 years between ours and I felt an overriding impulse to protect the new baby from older DS who was perfectly lovely and happy to have a sibling but it did feel a bit like a Cold War for a while. He is now so incredibly close with DH which is lovely to see. We want to have a 3rd and I want to be a bit more mindful next time about how to preserve the existing relationships.

The above definitely hasn’t put me off having anymore children and I never regretted having DD, it just took me by surprise.

I never contemplated only having 1 DC tbh, our family is richer for having more children.

I’m not sure it’s something you should do if you’re on the fence about it though. Another child is understandably a lot of work!! And the amount of laundry more than doubles and it becomes much harder to juggle 2 full time careers.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 17/01/2025 15:47

Team one here.I don't think company for dc is a reason to have a child

Screamingabdabz · 17/01/2025 15:50

I remember when I was pregnant with my second child (quite soon after the birth of my first) an elderly neighbour looked at me pitifully and said “it must be so tempting to stick at one…” I had no clue what she was talking about as it was most definitely planned and we longed for a big family. The mere idea was baffling to me.

It made me realise some people are just ‘one child’ people. And you always get them on threads like these extolling the virtues of holidays, and extra attention and their children thriving as an only. But at the end of the day what matters is what that child thinks when they look back as an adult. Some enjoyed siblings, some didn’t. Some appreciated being an only, some were lonely.

All you can know at this point is what suits you and your family. We’ve loved having three DC and we are still all close now they are adults. Our family life is fun and full. We’ve struggled financially but they’ve never been short of holidays, personal space, friends and individual attention. And when we’ve gone, they’ll have each other.

Porcuporpoise · 17/01/2025 15:50

All the parents of only children I know make a huge effort with playdates, sleepovers, taking friends on holiday with them etc to make sure their child has plenty of company. Personally I'd rather deal with my own children than other people's so had several and let them fall back on each other for company. Obviously they had friends and playdates and even occasional sleepovers <shudder> but I never felt pressure over their social lives.