Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

[JandamiHash]

Original thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805

To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update.

So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?”

I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home).

Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil!

I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way.

PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

This thread is hilarious! So many CF enablers!

OP - you've got it spot on!

Those of you who would enable Amanda - she won't change her behaviour until it impacts her. She doesn't care about inconveniencing others. She will always take the CF route with people who will enable her.

Also, the parents in the playground are just people who happened to have a baby at tge same time as you. Most of them are not your friends, they are just people in the same stage as life as you. In a few years time, you won't see them and they don't really give a toss about you or your child.

It's a bonus to make enduring friendships with a few of them, but you have no obligation to accommodate CFs and their manipulative behaviour!

Go OP! She won't be a CF with you again!

@tandora I think it would have been extremely rude to just ignore the text, but, you do you.

Perhaps as a (now retired) police officer I don't stand for bulllshit or attempted blaming and bullying of someone into forking out cash for a mistake made by the person on the text.

Why as a society are we accepting of cheeky fuckery? No wonder we're in the shit position we are with people being offended for no reason, having melt downs because they aren't getting their way?..... is it because we've stopped taking responsibility for our own actions? Stopped telling people to take responsibility for their own behaviours/actions? Accepting peoples bad/poor behaviours or choices because we are frightened of a reaction?

What is it?!?? I'm absolutely fecking sick of it!
Son called me today as he was called into the managers office as the person he had been working with had a crying meltdown because part of HER job hadn't been done by my son yesterday when she was off! She's away home now to "deal' with the upset my son caused except he was also off yesterday !!!!

She should be getting told to get a fucking grip, take responsibility for her own job and if she is going to be off and needed something done check the rota as to who is on and ask them to help her out!!!! I'm totally sick of this utter pish!

I am just popping in to say that good for you OP, you don't owe her a party bag, and also that cheese and coleslaw is the king of jacket potato toppings!

@JandamiHash you are my hero.

This is a mumsnet post on the AIBU board- literally the context is to invite debate/ feedback on whether your behaviour is unreasonable. So absolutely I’m happy to share my thoughts on that.

But in my real life, no , I don’t go around sending goady , aggressive texts to acquaintances calling them out on their irritating behaviour

I think if everyone was as straight up as the OP and NotNeil, the world would be a far better place.

Such a brilliant thread.. a minor incident with a mother being disorganised at best and inconsiderate / rude at worst - not RSVP'ing and than turning up. But then compounded by aggressive entitlement. OP dealt with it calmly and considerately... Amanda heads off down the rabbit hole of entitlement and victimhood.

All a bit of a storm in a tea cup, but an amusing anecdote to share with the internet....

.... initial responses supportive and amusing and then carnage (interspersed with excellent potato ideas!). OP you obviously hate all children that aren't yours, you want to make them experience extreme hardship (lack of party bag!) to toughen them up for the chaos of adult life.... not too tough though
(you are feeble for not having your party out doors, in a frozen puddle and donating the money to charity (obviously not a children's one - you hate them!!))

You obviously should from henceforth provide free child care... party bags and Vegan food to Amanda and all her offspring....

Oh and your DH cares for you and your kids, and stands up for you whilst being respectful but firm - definitely leave him immediately....

Also although i have read all the posts and been amused / interested / angered / incensed (delete as appropriate!) you have replied far too many times... and i will continue to read and reply to you...

I am so sorry your DS has had such a tough time, but it seems like he is incredibly lucky to have you, his Dad and hi DS in his corner

Rude to ignore perhaps, but not confrontational . Sets a boundary in a way that shuts down rather than invites further drama. I mean by all means feed the drama but don’t play all innocent and incredulous when you receive it!

Luckily this isn't in Scotland in my sons formative years, Amanda would have been to foxtrot Oscar and told to make up for her own mistake!

Well, I'm in Scotland too and I can't imagine ever telling another parent to foxtrot oscar regardless of how much they might deserve it. Do people really behave this way in real life? If so, it's very sad.

More generally, I still maintain that this is a mean post and that the pile-on is also mean. No-one is saying that 'Amanda' has not behaved badly but why do so many if you think it's up to you to teach someone else a life lesson?

And for those iof you saying that it will help the wee boy learn resilience, what's wrong with being kind to a child even if his mother's behaviour has caused the problem? There was no need to buy extra bags @£12 in advance in case of unexpected kids turning up, but given that the party seems to have been quite an expensive affair and the boy was actually invited, why not just spend the extra £12 afterwards and come out of it looking like a caring person who has done something nice for a child?

Incidentally, am intrigued by the offence caused by the mum taking home the leftover pizza. Yes, it was extremely cheeky not to ask but the pizza was ordered specifically for her son so she was not being completely unreasonable. And, anyway,who wants to eat someone else's leftovers? Would OP really have preferred to bin it? At my kids' parties, I always encourage folk to take spare food home because I hate food waste.

None of the protagonists in this drama over nothing is coming out of it well.

Pizza is something you take a slice out of the box, the leftovers are not like someone’s half eaten piece of chicken. And the op has said that one of her children I think would eat anything and would eat it. I’ve never ever taken leftovers home from some other child’s party!

I assume NotNeil had a stress free school drop off and she hasn't tried to phone again.

I get so cross with CF enablers. The reason these people exist is because they are tolerated and encouraged by others. Finally someone (and Neil) stands up to a CF on Mumsnet and they get criticised. Go figure!

Incidentally, am intrigued by the offence caused by the mum taking home the leftover pizza. Yes, it was extremely cheeky not to ask

It's because she was extremely cheeky and didn't ask. What's 'intriguing'?

I absolutely admire your stance on this OP. Having numerous children and having had so many parties over the year I have dealt with so many CFs and I've always been far too nice and probably encouraged this sort of nonsense behaviour. Wish I could go back in time now. I'd take what I've learnt with me and deal with them in a much more appropriate (and fairer for me -and them in the long run) way!

Good lord. No one is ‘piling on’ to ‘Amanda’. All the OP has done is not wasted valuable time entertaining her nonsense. She’s explained the situation and left it. What’s wrong with that? Amanda shouldn’t be calling her constantly and she should have RSVP’d!

In my observation some screen names are instantly recognisable as those who relentlessly troll threads hoping to get as many bites from other posters as possible.

Two appeared on the former thread. This is another.

My DS has SN and eats a limited diet. His safe food is a plain jacket potato with nothing on it and he doesn't want any salad garnish and it can be blooming expensive. We now usually choose something off the starter menu for him.

let me see if I've understood this correctly.

You invited her child to a party

she did not rsvp so you did not count her child as coming, therefore you did not buy her child one of the £12 personalised party bags.

they turned up anyway

she announced her son is vegan and expressed disappointment that you didn't have a vegan pizza even though none of the people who actually RSVPd were vegan,

You ordered a vegan pizza for him

she ate most of it and took the rest home

she was annoyed there was no £12 personalised party bag for her son even though she did not RSVP and so you did not know he was coming

You told her where she could buy one

She's tried to phone you and is cross you haven't answered

She asked your husband a question and he answered her

She won't let it drop because she, presumably, believes that whatever she wants to happen should happen and you should sort it out for her. (she's probably told her child you forgot his party bag and you will get him one)

And from this, you are anti feminist, cruel to children, mean and thoughtless. You had too expensive a party, failed to adequately prepare for a child you thought wasn't coming. Your husband ignored her by answering her question and is also mean.

It reinforces the idea that someone else’s problem is something you’re required to solve, for one. It also reinforces to people like Amanda that they’re entitled to get what they want, because god forbid someone not ‘be kind’.

As if ‘being kind’ is something we all should be aspiring to over having a backbone. As if expecting someone to go out of their way to prevent your kid being upset as a result of your actions is ‘being kind’ to the person you’re trying to dump that responsibility on.

Why not, though? Because she doesn’t want to. It’s not her responsibility to assuage any bad feeling Amanda and her child have. It’s simply not her problem, and she is no way required to make it her problem.

This thread does fall into 'you couldn't make it up' territory and I've seen some have questioned its veracity.

I have no difficulty in believing it. The world is full of CFs and the lengths some will go to to avoid being 'bested' is a constant well of surprise. As my gran used to say, 'some folk will have the last word if it kills them!' This parent is a prime example of a severe sufferer of Lastworditis.

On the contrary, some of the replies have a distinct aroma of wind-up merchantary about them. If not, then with the 'Amandas' of this world as their example at least it's clear why too many children grow up lacking in basic social skills.

I'm team OP and Neil!
To the posters who are saying @JandamiHash should have had a crystal ball and foreseen that one of the five non- rsvp kids would actually turn up, are bloody delusional! What if the other four had turned up as well? Was she supposed to shell out another £60 'just in case'? Absolutely no! I might have done for a plastic tat party bag but not a special personalised bag!
And OP DID accommodate re the pizza and ordered in a vegan one, that CFer Amanda then proceeded to tuck into and took the rest of it home!
I can only imagine that the Amanda supporters are as bloody cheeky as Amanda herself!

I've just heard an advert on the radio where he's talking to a guy called Neil and at the end he say's "I'm not Neil".

I've always liked the sentiment of "if you want people to speak well of you, behave well".

Basically if you don't want people to call you a dick, don't be a dick 🤷‍♀️

We had a party for my daughter I had limited numbers although actually there was a little leeway (but none of the other parents knew that). Did drop off/pick up as was just after restrictions from Covid.

on the day -one of the invited girls was dropped off by her dad who I’ve never met (mum has her most the time) and his friend and another child -they just dropped them at the door and said “on you go” to the girls who ran past me into the hall to the other children and then said as they walked away-see you later…
i was too shocked to say anything. I had never met either adult or this random girl…didn’t even know her name…and nor had my daughter.

we we’re getting drive through and had spare cupcakes (which we were doing instead of party bags) so it only cost us an extra £5/6 but it was the absolute cheek of it that got me!
the men clearly just wanted to have a free couple of hours.

for all they knew I would have had to pay for extra place as well as food etc.

it didn’t help that these two girls were very badly behaved and demanding the whole time.

on saying to my friend after she said -oh you’re not the only one they’ve done that too!
for her friend group now all birthdays at outings when the parents specify multiple times that they’re putting in final numbers and meal plan in advance so that it’s clear there’s no extra space. (I’m sure it’s because of CF father)

it wasn’t the children’s fault but I was too in shock to say “no she can’t come” when they didn’t even ask if it was okay 🙄 if we do a party again I’ll need to be ready!

I certainly wouldn’t have been after the party sorting out a special expensive party bag for a child I hadn’t expected to be there!!! youve given her magicians details I’d leave it at that.

cant believe you weren’t even invited to their sons party and they’re now hounding you about party bag! It’s not even just the cost it’s the extra work load for you-contact magician, order bag, collect bag, give to child- for something that wasn’t your fault!

I just think it's hilarious and insane that some people (if not bots) are hating on OP and saying quite unpleasant things about her - i.e. not being very kind at all - just because she didn't magically produce a bespoke party bag days after her son's party. It was impossible to do so on the day but he got a free pizza instead to take home.

It's deliciously ironic, idiotic and un self-aware. The misogyny is massive. Because they're being mean to OP (not that she cares, clearly) because she's not kind enough whilst being hideously unkind to her. Physician, heal thyself.

They really should be much kinder to a mum who's gone all out to give her son a lovely party after a difficult year and faced aggressive and inconsiderate behaviour despite her good deed from another school mum.

How anyone could read the heartrending posts on the previous thread and then be so hateful is beyond me.