Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

OP, your daughter invites who she wants there, not someone who is being forced on her. Don’t be guilt tripped by those saying it’s only one person and her parents are spending a fortune to come to the wedding.
Over the years at many of our life event parties I have invited people, not because we wanted them there but because we thought we should invite them, mainly to keep the peace within the wider family. Without fail these people have upset us one way or another and usually at the event itself. In the case of our anniversary party this year, before and during. Never again. Only people we want to spend time with, and want to spend money on a meal for them, will be invited in future.

Do all the people suggesting the niece just 'gets an invite' have any concept of how much a seat at a wedding can cost, or of venue capacity restrictions, or actual human relationships?

Just waiting for the 'I was uninvited to a close friend's wedding so her cousin who's she's never really know can go AIBU' thread...

I think that maybe DN can perhaps be left sometimes but not at other times? I can't see any other reason why she would insist on attending if she's not close to the family, especially when your nephew isn't joining them. MH is not always stable and ups and downs occur. Would you know how her health has been lately?

That would make sense then if they've said we'll take DN to the UK and see if she might be able to be near the parents on the wedding day just in case she needs them? Might that be construed as shoehorning? When really it's providing support to a disabled person that DSis and DBil are carers for. Have a chat, suss it out and see what you can sort between you in good faith.

Isn't it up to your DD & partner to decide whether to invite / uninvite them. How do they feel about this. Where did this information / assumption come from ? Maybe your DD could have a quiet word with her aunt to check if the rumour is true ?

My DD is getting married this year. Small wedding, no DC or cousins invited. Some family members are peeved but she's not bothered and Im certainly not getting involved. She's having the wedding that she wants not the one that others think she should have. Its up to those invited if they want to come but uninvited guests would have be turned way on the day simply because there is no room, food etc for them , Surely your DSIS knows this - why are you jumping to the conclusion the your niece will gatecrash ?

I thought this was going to be about an entire rabble ‘gatecrashing’ not one poor girl with mh issues attending with her parents. DH is fuming??

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@PoppyRoseBucky and what about cousins who live nearby and see the bride/groom more regularly? If I was one of those I'd be annoyed I didn't get to go to the wedding but a cousin they barely knows made the cut because they've decided to travel over.

Nor do you yet people are berating op. I'm going with the family t it's her family she will know better than a random on here

Cause you know what's going on in ops life 🤔

I think it up to your daughter and her partner who to include the wedding. With that being said 60 guest is not a small wedding and if cousin are excluded - who actually being invited. I assuming they are not all inviting friends.

Will it break your bank or something? Just invite her. One person, for goodness' sake!

I find it odd to invite the aunt/uncle but not the cousins. In this instance i wpuld have not invited any of them as I am presuming they have next to no relationship with them if they are so far away and weddings nowadays are far too expensive for most people to afford people they aren't close to. Can't you speak to your sister and explain there is a set budget/venue capacity so unfortunately cant stretch to anymore, but understand if this means they no longer wish to attend?

Absolutely. Under the circumstances your niece a nd nephew should be invited.

It’s not a small wedding, you're inviting 60, then 40 more. Surely your niece/nephew should be on that list. You may not see them often, but the bride and groom and you are more likely to still know them in 30 years time than many (most?) on the friends invited list.
We had a similar sized wedding 30+ years ago, only a small bunch of the friends we invited are still in touch.

If the DD does come, she will be staying in the same hotel as her parents, possibly at the venue. Imagine the awkwardness the night before, and on the day, when you see her milling about and she's not invited.

Extra points if she stares through the window at you, whilst you are eating your wedding breakfast. Triple points if it's raining.

You don’t know it’s true unless it happens. So what will you do if she turns up on the day? Probably just put an extra seat out. Two extra guests turned up at my sister’s wedding breakfast because they misread the invitation. It’s very common, venues are used to it.

It's your DDs wedding and isn't she dealing with this? Anyway if your niece is definitely not invited then I would write to your sister to make this 100% clear in black and white, to head off any gatecrash attempt.
Say you are looking forward to seeing her and that you are very sorry that you are not able to include DN, but as it is a formal sit down meal catered for a set number of people there is absolutely no extra space for any last minute extra attendees.

Frankly I think it's pretty rude of your daughter not to invite the cousin, if she's coming such a long way.

She's coming a long way knowing that she isn't invited though. It's not as though she said "lovely if you'd like to pop in for half an hour to see me but you can't come to the wedding". Very different.

And cousins can depend a lot. When I had my wedding all cousins on both sides and their families were invited. That was 10 extra people in total.
When my cousin got married, I have no idea about the other side but that would have been an extra 15 people just on one side. They didn't invite their cousins, which was fair enough, and I totally understood why.

A cousin in Australia is unlikely to have been an inseparable support through childhood, so is very different to a cousin who lived 5 minute walk away. So again someone saying "you have to invite cousins" is coming from one side. I had a great aunt in Australia who I've met once and never met either her children or grandchildren. My mum has met her Australian cousin three times since she was 18 months (when they moved there).

Op, I think it's worth a conversation if you have that sort of relationship.
Is she:

1. Coming along because they can't leave her
2. Coming along but they don't expect her to come to the wedding
3. Sister's humphed because she thinks the children should be there so has decided they're coming.

If it's the first two, if there is space, then I'd try and fit her in. If it's the last, I'd issue a "lovely to see her at the wedding, but it's a sit down meal so there won't be space" comment.

No one asked the cousin to come a very long way though.

People can invite, or not invite who they want to their wedding day.

If you’re going to have one cousin only, the long-lost one who lives thousands of miles away, who you didn’t even really get on with on the few occasions you’ve met, would be bottom of the list. Her MH doesn’t change that.

I'm getting married this year, I'd be seriously looking at hiring security to prevent my estranged family coming to the wedding if I needed to.

Traveling from Australia and they have a daughter, your niece, who still lives at home with MH issues? It's very likely as she is dependent on them that they can't leave her or really don't feel comfortable doing so. Lean in.

You should invite her and not waste any more energy on it so you enjoy the wedding run up and day. 💒

Didn't read everything, but you said cousin could be left for a while anyway.

Are any cousins included in the evening party, and who else is on the list for that part?

I think I'd find a compromise and invite the Oz cousins to the after party if they can make their own way there. Maybe others going to the afters can bring them along. If not, get DD and future DH to invite them for the day. Who bloody cares what anyone else thinks. If that's the solution and your DH has a strop about it, he is a right Dickhead.

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