Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

[MyNextSteps]

This is my first Mumsnet post so I'm sorry but this will be a long rant. But I have really lost my way and would appreciate everyone's thoughts.

My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been married for 25 years and have 5 kids who are late teens/20s.

The marriage has always had something "not quite right", something missing which I couldn't explain. DH didn't have many girlfriends I thought he was just shy. Once married I always felt he was avoidant, pulling away, preoccupied, unavailable, never initiated sex. If I ever tried to raise it, even gently, he was irritable and defensive, saying my "constant criticism and oversensitivity" was the problem and then he'd try to run away or hang up the phone or get busy or fall asleep or get one of the kids to interrupt us to shut me down. He is also very interested in facts not feelings and tends to disconnect from conversations once he's satisfied himself of the facts.

Eventually I dragged DH to therapy wondering if he was a covert narcissist but this year he's been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (Aspergers) which explains everything. I feel I'm in a nightmare as our story started out as a fairytale with our beautiful kids but now I'm acceptingw nothing will change with DH.

We both had good careers but I stayed at home to raise the kids. He worked hard to provide for us all but had a long commute. We moved out to the coast and bought a rambling old house with land, did it up and we have a small holding with animals. DH seemed to avoid intimacy but I didn't question it as he was tired and working so hard and so was I. He never took me out in the evening or hired a babysitter or took me away for a few nights. We only ever went away with the kids but I was so in the tunnel of parenthood and we didn't have much money to spare so I didn't really stop to question it.

Gradually the kids grew up and then DH stopped work and I thought we would spend more time together but I gradually realized he wasn't interested. Once he stopped work and was around 24/7 and the kids were grown up, it dawned on me that he was just making excuses to avoid time with me and avoid intimacy.

We did years of marriage therapy but he could neither express his feelings at all (alexithymia) or understand mine. He just cannot hear me - all he can hear is that he's being criticized and then he becomes a professional victim. I have given him a million chances to sort himself out, so many times we have fought and he always comes back, says sorry but nothing changes. Our therapist said he wouldn't change and to leave him as he wasn't able or interested in meeting my needs.

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.

So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Every time the whole family gets together which is now only about twice a year I work hard to cook food and make it nice but either my husband or one of the ND kids has a meltdown or shutdown which ruins the occasion and the family doesn't speak for months, I am beginning to dread get togethers.

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days. If I ask him to do something he'll do it eventually but then says I'm bossy and that he feels "controlled" and then makes sure the kids know it.

Some of our kids have various neurodiverse traits/issues and DH and I clashed seriously about how to raise them because as a ND himself his first instinct was to deny their problems and help them to mask whereas I as an NT wanted to get them diagnosed and get them help. DH also insisted that we don't mention anyone's diagnosis in the family (shame) so when several of the kids have huge meltdowns we are not allowed to address it with the other kids and I can see that they feel guilty and responsible when it's not their fault.

Things have come to a head in the last few months. DH was being assessed for suspected cancer. He wasn't able to process many feelings about that beyond being sure he didn't want the kids to know. I did all the worrying and supporting whilst he looked blank and numb all through Christmas. Finally this week he got the "all clear", he did express some relief but I was hugely emotional after the hospital.

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I was still emotional from the hospital so after she'd put the phone down I was angry with DH that he hadn't passed on the message. He denied this so we started to argue. DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy (he didn't know about the hospital or cancer scare at all so didn't know why I was so emotional). I said to DH "tell him to stop" but DH said "why should he stop abusing you when you abuse me ?" (professional victim).

In that moment after 25 years something snapped in me. I did something I've never done before. I calmly put together a small bag of clothes and walked out. I drove off and checked into a local B&B where I am sitting now with no idea about my next move.

DH has brought me to my knees. It's not what he does, it's what he DOESN'T do, he's just absent from our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want to have a relationship with me either. He just wants a housekeeper/secretary/organizer/mother not a wife. I want to leave him but then I break up the family, we lose our lovely home and I get blamed for that by him and the kids, I lose my smallholding and animals and will have to give up my dream part time job that I have taken up in the last few years too, so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently.

I rang DH from the B&B to discuss the issues. He said "all you do is criticize me, I'm a victim" and hung up. He didn't want to discuss the issues because he can't summarize or express his feelings. He says he can't change and I am persecuting him to do things he can't do. He then said by the way if I was moving out then he'd sell our home and small holding because he wasn't interested in it anyway he only bought it for me (first I heard about that, he was the one that insisted we buy it when I wanted to stay in the city !). I went back briefly to our home to collect clothes etc and he was just lying flat on the sofa staring into space, washing left in the machine overnight, last night's dinner still on the table untouched, curtains not drawn, animals not fed, plants not watered, post not opened etc.

AIBU to leave and break up the family and sell our family home and smallholding and rehome the animals ? Or am I overreacting and should I accept he can't change, stop asking him to and just suck it up for the sake of the family ? DH is not a bad person, we have a lot in common with our joint kids, life and animals. He worked hard to support us all, he's never been unfaithful or had addictions or been abusive (contrast I've been a drunk and screaming harridan more than once when pushed beyond human limits by rigid and goading ND family members). I am also nearly 60 and have let myself go with all the stress. Dating now fills me with horror, what are my chances anyway and my friends are having horror stories on Bumble.... I would also have to go back to full time work at 60 to support myself and the children would be hostile to a new partner as they feel responsible for their victim dad. But he is not my husband or lover and he's more friends with the kids than a father to them. He is a professional victim and he has no capacity for a marriage or partnership with me. I would be happy to live alone but I keep having the sad thought that I don't want to get to the end of my life without having experienced a true and loving partnership.

If I could find a way to stay with DH I would but I have tried to compromise a million times. I don't want to have an affair either but it seems that if I stay I would have to completely deny my own needs for love, support, intimacy, boundaries, joint parenting, joy etc and life is too short for that. Advice please.

He spoke to NT-DS behind my back. I knew he was driving him back to uni but didn't know when....I only knew DH had arrived in the garden when DS started taking things out to the car. I went out and said to DH "you could have told me what the plan was, you could keep me in the loop with the kids".

He said " you told me not to contact you or be anywhere near you". Is this neuro diverse literal interpretation or covert narcissistic passive aggressive punishment ?

I said "my requests for this marriage are reasonable" ( I have been very clear with him: sex, setting boundaries with kids, apologising when wrong, having the drive to get up and get stuff done and be a team in keeping the marriage going) he said "well I can't meet those needs".

I said "well why did you get married then if you can't do those basic things, this is normal husband behaviour and also it's honouring your marriage vows?". He said "what you want is unreasonable, other women wouldn't want those things". Delusional.

When I confront him, his shame kicks in then his narcissistic defense. He wants to hurt and wound as much as possible then run away really fast. He's now on high alert as he is shamed that he left the house in front of our son so he's at his most narcissistic and vindictive.

He's also masochistic, if I said " go and live in a cardboard box" he would do it if there was mileage in being a victim in front of the audience of our DCs. Whilst insisting on total secrecy from our family and friends. He's got me and DCs keeping all his secrets for him, keeping his mask up that he's a regular sort of guy

I said "what are you going to do now then?". He said he didn't know, he didn't have a plan.

He said "I'll probably get a job, so someone else can tell me what to do". Then he shut the car door. I agree with pp I dont think he ever realised what a marriage is, he was just masking being NT going through the motions and thought he should get married.

DS came out, said " shut up mum, just drive dad" and slammed the car door in my face and without a backwards glance they skidded off together......

DH certainly never set boundaries with our DSs treating me with respect that's for sure.

I feel devastated and alone. Sitting in my lovely home that I worked so hard for, alone, in the wreckage of my dreams with DH portraying himself as such a victim that half the kids are hating on me. And I can't tell my friends as he's got me to mask in front of them too.

So sad. I'm crying. My heart hurts. I'd never get in the car with one of the kids and just drive off ignoring him like that.

Your DH is a great example of learned helplessness OP, and you have great insights - yet you continue to enable his behaviour by returning home, cooking dinner and expecting him to be different. He won’t be. You are just smashing your head against a brick wall here, and any analysis will just further exhaust you. You need to drop the rope, gather your dignity and plan for the next phase of your life. You will have such peace without continually having to second guess someone and beg for empathy.

I know you were hoping he'd change, but sadly, he's not going to.

Now you need to stop trying to fix your relationship and concentrate on your own future. Don't fret about his lack of plans, he needs to make his own decisions, and you need to make yours. I know this is a completely different way of thinking after 30 years, but that's the best way for you to move forward.

The mistake you are making is hoping that with a sharp attack: screaming or leaving or threatening that you can move your dh to action—towards you rather than into retreat. YOU CANNOT. He simply isn’t built that way. Be doesn’t have the nous, or the empathic imagination, or the ambition, to engage and negotiate. He is barely functioning at a teenage level, perhaps not even at a toddler level. He wants mommy/servant to take care of his needs and he will hide if she is “mad” at him until she stops. He has no theory of your mind. Your motivations and goals are mysterious and annoying to him.

Stop asking why he is this way. He.just.is.

Untangling yourself is going to be, oddly, like coming to terms with a runaway husband. He isn’t leaving—you are—but you must first accept that he has abandoned you emotionally and prioritized himself and his toys and his wants over you for years. He betrayed you even while living in the same house. Even though not with another woman.

That betrayal hurts—but you have to accept it as reality and move on.

You need to talk to your friends and own family now op. You can not carry this alone. They can offer love, support and assistance.

You can not single handedly change any of this, he will continue to revel in his victim hood now and blame you for the marital breakdown and your ‘unreasonable’ demands on him. It’s all lined up so he can get attention, sympathy and manages to free himself of all responsibility.

Get some real life support.
If you don’t file for divorce this will never end, it will go on and on.
The longer you put off the inevitable things will continue to spiral.

I am so sorry op.

Once you have left you can demand that your children respect you or they are not welcome. Start now. You don’t need your dh to stand up for you. Tell them directly not to be disrespectful.

He's got me and DCs keeping all his secrets for him, keeping his mask up that he's a regular sort of guy

And I can't tell my friends as he's got me to mask in front of them too.

You’re still being controlled by him. The marriage is over ergo so are his demands. You are no longer his coping mechanism or his mask.

No more secrets within the family and without. You call tell friends and family you’re divorcing as you have always found is recently confirmed ASD very challenging and you can’t cope any more.

You’re wasting energy. This is all exhausting to read. He cannot and will not meet your expectations. Stop trying to get him to do and just initiate the divorce. Stop trying to analyse him. It is nonsense and makes no difference to the outcome.

DS is torn and I think all you can do right now is sort out the split /divorce and extract yourself from the marriage.
DS won't be happy to accept this short term but longer term will come round.
You just need to move forward. I'm sorry OP this is so hard

I agree that you should confide in your family and friends about the true situation, you shouldn't have to pretend and they can support you.

It's heartbreaking, but you need to stop trying to make him change, you'll drive yourself mad.

He isn't a normal DH so stop having the expectations of him of a normal DH.

Start planning for divorce and splitting of assets and move on with your life.

Above all, sort out the animals. It isn't fair to them.

This. You say he has no backbone to make decisions about the future - fine, there are worse things in a divorce than an ex who acquiesces to your decisions. What do YOU want? It can be extremely hard to make these decisions, but at the moment your stream of consciousness seems to be all criticising him and analysing his choices, which is getting in the way of you making decisions about the future too.

ETA re what would a "normal husband" do? There is no such thing. We are all individuals, NT or ND. My autistic husband is infinitely easier to live with than a lot of NT people, I expect... for me anyway.

For God's sake, if you tell someone not to speak to you or contact you why are you expecting him to speak to you or to contact you.

It feels like impossible mental gymnastics.

You basically set a boundary and he respected that boundary and then you are upset that he upheld his part of that boundary.

Yes, you can tell your friends. You can tell everyone you know. Because you've followed his wishes up to now doesn't mean you have to go on the same way - certainly not if you are ending it. No more masking, no more secret keeping. If you like. Your choice.

He's told you, in so many words, that he isn't going to give you want. What are YOU going to do about it? Are you going to stop the endless obsessing about what he does / says / thinks / wants, and decide what's right for you?

You want him to feel bad about what he's done to you. If you end it, you want him to understand why. He won't. It will always, in his mind, be because you're an evil abusive bitch. All you can do is decide that if he's no longer your husband, what he thinks is no longer your problem. The only alternative is to go through 10 or 20 or 1000 more rounds of "but WHHHYYY won't he love me / hear me / care how I feel / transform into another person????".

Accept now that this will be how your life is until one of you dies...or don't. That's all there is to it.

OP, that latest exchange is heartbreaking.

You have got to tear yourself away from this toxic triangle between you, your dh and your dcs. You need to get far away from dh and not talk to your dcs when he is there because he just casts his pall over them.

Get away or better still get him to move out. Give yourself a clear head. Tidy the house. Consider whether you are going to sell, how to split the assets. Where you will live Without Him and also the children for now.

You all need space from each other to heal.❤

Stop demanding he change, you know he won't, move on. I'm afraid I am starting to see why your son is taking his dad's side, just leave him (alone) and concentrate on building a new life without all this toxicity and drama.

You need to stop having these arguments in front of your children. Your children are traumatised and that isn't all on your husband. You are both responsible for this. Your son isn't hanging out with tough guys because he lacked a tough father. That was a strange conclusion to come to. Your children are all just mentally messed up from growing up in a toxic environment caused by both their parents. This is why half your children are angry at you. You don't accept any responsibility for what they went through - and are still going through.

You know fine well that your marriage is over and you need to split, but you don't want to so you keep putting it on your husband to change when you know he can't, because then you can blame him for this situation. Your children see this too. You need to grow a backbone. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your future. At this stage, you are choosing to remain unhappy.

You have been so enmeshed with him for so long in the dynamic of <he does x y z wrong, I’m so angry> etc you can’t get out of the emotions and mindset.

So when you see him again instead of standing back and considering divorce options you are simply right back in the <I asked him to do x he did y, why oh why oh why> etc.

If you want your life to change you have to make a conscious decision to detach from him and this addictive toxic dynamic.

I get the sense that you’d rather be around him hitting him over the head with a rolling pin for all his faults over 25 years like Mrs Punch than actually be free.

You are also populating the victim persecutor rescuer roles. Step out of the triangle. Take responsibility for your own needs and the consequences of your own actions, establish boundaries and be open and vulnerable when appropriate. This is not about him now, he won't fix it or change it or take the blame. You have to meet your own needs.

The most recent update doesn't make you sound great.

I am autistic, and I'm here to tell you that some of this is not because of autism. Yes, some of it is because you speak different neurological languages; but he has issues around his attachment behaviour, learned helplessness etc, and there is some emotional abuse of you in there too.

You don't have to put up with this and are 100% justified to leave and rebuild your life.

As @WhyCantTheyJustBeKids said, I dont think this is all ND behaviour. But it does not really matter. It is intolerable and means you have no marriage to speak of. Stop asking why, stop stoking the fire by expecting things from him and decide what YOU want to do. Stay in the house with separate quarters and little to no contact? Sell and clean break? It is really time to stop. Although your frustration is understandable, by reacting like you are, you are playing into his narrative that you are the bad person here.

You keep going round in circles

I'm sorry.

You don't have a marriage to save. It was all 'pretend' from his side. Look at it that way.

Get out, don't look back, and find some joy and enjoyment in the second half of your life. You don't get another one.