Neurodivergent husband has brought me to my knees, am I unreasonable to leave him ?

[MyNextSteps]

This is my first Mumsnet post so I'm sorry but this will be a long rant. But I have really lost my way and would appreciate everyone's thoughts.

My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been married for 25 years and have 5 kids who are late teens/20s.

The marriage has always had something "not quite right", something missing which I couldn't explain. DH didn't have many girlfriends I thought he was just shy. Once married I always felt he was avoidant, pulling away, preoccupied, unavailable, never initiated sex. If I ever tried to raise it, even gently, he was irritable and defensive, saying my "constant criticism and oversensitivity" was the problem and then he'd try to run away or hang up the phone or get busy or fall asleep or get one of the kids to interrupt us to shut me down. He is also very interested in facts not feelings and tends to disconnect from conversations once he's satisfied himself of the facts.

Eventually I dragged DH to therapy wondering if he was a covert narcissist but this year he's been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (Aspergers) which explains everything. I feel I'm in a nightmare as our story started out as a fairytale with our beautiful kids but now I'm acceptingw nothing will change with DH.

We both had good careers but I stayed at home to raise the kids. He worked hard to provide for us all but had a long commute. We moved out to the coast and bought a rambling old house with land, did it up and we have a small holding with animals. DH seemed to avoid intimacy but I didn't question it as he was tired and working so hard and so was I. He never took me out in the evening or hired a babysitter or took me away for a few nights. We only ever went away with the kids but I was so in the tunnel of parenthood and we didn't have much money to spare so I didn't really stop to question it.

Gradually the kids grew up and then DH stopped work and I thought we would spend more time together but I gradually realized he wasn't interested. Once he stopped work and was around 24/7 and the kids were grown up, it dawned on me that he was just making excuses to avoid time with me and avoid intimacy.

We did years of marriage therapy but he could neither express his feelings at all (alexithymia) or understand mine. He just cannot hear me - all he can hear is that he's being criticized and then he becomes a professional victim. I have given him a million chances to sort himself out, so many times we have fought and he always comes back, says sorry but nothing changes. Our therapist said he wouldn't change and to leave him as he wasn't able or interested in meeting my needs.

Some of the worst family fights have been when I have been angry with DH and then he goes to the kids and portrays himself as a victim and me as the perpetrator. Then the kids (who are angry he's so weak) stand up for him. So I'm then fighting my own kids and he sits there with his head in his hands not speaking while it all kicks off between me and the kids.

So there have been times when the kids have seen me as the aggressive bad cop whilst he is good cop being their friend as he does everything for them, drives them around, gives them money and never sets rules or boundaries. Mum "wears the trousers" and keeps it all fair and accountable. Although the kids hate on me for being bad cop I notice when life gets tricky they all come running to me for guidance because I'm actually the only real parent.

Every time the whole family gets together which is now only about twice a year I work hard to cook food and make it nice but either my husband or one of the ND kids has a meltdown or shutdown which ruins the occasion and the family doesn't speak for months, I am beginning to dread get togethers.

Now his daily routine is to get up feeling anxious and then just drift around for the rest of the day, no plan, no goals, achieving not much, never gets together with friends, sometimes hangs with his family (many of them have the same issues as him) low functioning, wears same clothes for days. If I ask him to do something he'll do it eventually but then says I'm bossy and that he feels "controlled" and then makes sure the kids know it.

Some of our kids have various neurodiverse traits/issues and DH and I clashed seriously about how to raise them because as a ND himself his first instinct was to deny their problems and help them to mask whereas I as an NT wanted to get them diagnosed and get them help. DH also insisted that we don't mention anyone's diagnosis in the family (shame) so when several of the kids have huge meltdowns we are not allowed to address it with the other kids and I can see that they feel guilty and responsible when it's not their fault.

Things have come to a head in the last few months. DH was being assessed for suspected cancer. He wasn't able to process many feelings about that beyond being sure he didn't want the kids to know. I did all the worrying and supporting whilst he looked blank and numb all through Christmas. Finally this week he got the "all clear", he did express some relief but I was hugely emotional after the hospital.

The same night one of our kids rang up and shouted at me because she'd given a message to DH for me to do something but he hadn't passed it on to me so I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I was still emotional from the hospital so after she'd put the phone down I was angry with DH that he hadn't passed on the message. He denied this so we started to argue. DH then portrayed himself a a victim in front of one of our sons who got aggressive with me and goaded and shoved me (he's 6 ft) and started being verbally abusive and telling me I was crazy (he didn't know about the hospital or cancer scare at all so didn't know why I was so emotional). I said to DH "tell him to stop" but DH said "why should he stop abusing you when you abuse me ?" (professional victim).

In that moment after 25 years something snapped in me. I did something I've never done before. I calmly put together a small bag of clothes and walked out. I drove off and checked into a local B&B where I am sitting now with no idea about my next move.

DH has brought me to my knees. It's not what he does, it's what he DOESN'T do, he's just absent from our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want to have a relationship with me either. He just wants a housekeeper/secretary/organizer/mother not a wife. I want to leave him but then I break up the family, we lose our lovely home and I get blamed for that by him and the kids, I lose my smallholding and animals and will have to give up my dream part time job that I have taken up in the last few years too, so essentially I lose my entire life as it is currently.

I rang DH from the B&B to discuss the issues. He said "all you do is criticize me, I'm a victim" and hung up. He didn't want to discuss the issues because he can't summarize or express his feelings. He says he can't change and I am persecuting him to do things he can't do. He then said by the way if I was moving out then he'd sell our home and small holding because he wasn't interested in it anyway he only bought it for me (first I heard about that, he was the one that insisted we buy it when I wanted to stay in the city !). I went back briefly to our home to collect clothes etc and he was just lying flat on the sofa staring into space, washing left in the machine overnight, last night's dinner still on the table untouched, curtains not drawn, animals not fed, plants not watered, post not opened etc.

AIBU to leave and break up the family and sell our family home and smallholding and rehome the animals ? Or am I overreacting and should I accept he can't change, stop asking him to and just suck it up for the sake of the family ? DH is not a bad person, we have a lot in common with our joint kids, life and animals. He worked hard to support us all, he's never been unfaithful or had addictions or been abusive (contrast I've been a drunk and screaming harridan more than once when pushed beyond human limits by rigid and goading ND family members). I am also nearly 60 and have let myself go with all the stress. Dating now fills me with horror, what are my chances anyway and my friends are having horror stories on Bumble.... I would also have to go back to full time work at 60 to support myself and the children would be hostile to a new partner as they feel responsible for their victim dad. But he is not my husband or lover and he's more friends with the kids than a father to them. He is a professional victim and he has no capacity for a marriage or partnership with me. I would be happy to live alone but I keep having the sad thought that I don't want to get to the end of my life without having experienced a true and loving partnership.

If I could find a way to stay with DH I would but I have tried to compromise a million times. I don't want to have an affair either but it seems that if I stay I would have to completely deny my own needs for love, support, intimacy, boundaries, joint parenting, joy etc and life is too short for that. Advice please.

I agree with @YeezysBeans. Don't focus on his way forward, you can't do anything for him. Focus on your own way forward and getting to a happier place in your own life.

From your update, he sounds completely oblivious to your needs and the issues in your relationship, and he's not going to change. Stop trying to fix things and get on with your life.

For goodness sake OP, why did you go back? You'd made the move that you need to make, and have just set everyone back again, most of all yourself! Also, after he'd said he would help with the dishing up, etc. and then wandered off to go on his computer, I would have just collected my things and left him to realise that actually if he didn't help then no one else was going to do it for him.

I do know how hard it is to break the habits of a lifetime, ie, to leave him and the kids to get on with it, but they've managed so far while you've been away, and none of them have died or killed each other. Therefore, if he comes back, either tell him you don't want him back, or when he walks in, be prepared with your bags, and ready to leave, then get in the car and go.

Allowing this to drag on is just cruel to EVERYONE!!

I agree with PP. I don't see a way back from this, it doesn't sound like he can fix this or give you what you need in a relationship.

You need to move forward, properly separate and you might have to build up your relationships with your DC separately as it sounds like they are all in different places.

Why weren't they all dishing up? Just serve yourself. You are not the family slave.

Tbf, it's the OP's home and she has a right to go back to it, she presumably can't stay with her DD indefinitely.

She needs to separate her life from his though. No need to make communal meals from now on, she should cater to her own needs and he can cater to his.

Glad he has moved out @MyNextSteps - I agree that you need to see a solicitor now, if the house is big enough and you can stand it, you could live separately under the same roof (separate bedrooms, living rooms, and no domestic duties done for anyone but you) which would give you more time to sort out arrangements for the smallholding, animals etc.

Well he hasn’t moved out, he’s just scarpered for a while.

Next steps:

1. solicitors to get the ball rolling with divorce.
2. If DH comes back go back to your b&b
3. Don’t waste time seeing if you could manage the house alone - a. He’s there and b. It’s highly unlikely not to have to be sold.
4. Acknowledge DH’s ASD diagnosis to the family.

You do need to consider your own needs, you have accepted that it is over and he will not change. Your mistake this weekend was expecting him to behave any differently then reacting when he didn’t.

Now you’ve got the house to yourself for a couple of days start getting paperwork together that you might need, finances, details of his pension.

with regards to xh don’t engage with him, stay civil, but expect nothing, leave any future reaction and finances to the solicitor you hire to divorce him. Do not let him move back in but if that is unavoidable you need to be somewhere else.

I would suggest however start trying to rebuild your relationship with your son. Start by apologising, he’s witnessed your complete frustration towards his dad, without understanding the background behind it and how much it has worn you down. Don’t make the apology about you though, he will twist that completely, something along the lines of apologising for how your relationship with his df has affected him over the years. But that you love him and hope that you can rebuild your relationship together and that you are always going to be there for him.

You are not at a loss. You instruct the solicitors and you have the house valued and starting planning for your future.

This man is going to ruin what’s left of your life and it’s already getting so destructive for your children.

He can’t change and you can’t live like this op. No one could realistically. Please save yourself.

I am concerned about your relationship with your DC. In one of his moments of clarity, could your DH perhaps speak to them and tell them it is not all your fault.

You need to figure out pronto what you want here. Do you want the kids to live with you? Do you have DC who have exams in the summer - how to keep an even keel for them?

All the talk of victim, perpetrator, abuse risks getting into an unhelpful cycle. Divorce is on the cards. Everyone could see it, no one's surprised. The question is not who to blame, but how to set up your new family living arrangements v2.0. Preferably minimising the impact on DC especially if they have exams in the summer. It's not an ideal time to be moving if so, but start from what you want the future to look like and work backwards.

Divorce and selling the property is next surely. Life's too short to feel miserable.

Really sorry to say that it is over. Try and apply some of the: Don't complain. Don't explain. They all know as much as they want to know.
The stronger and more confident you are in the immediate future the more you can be a parent to your adult DCs later.

You really need to walk away from this, for the sake of your sanity and your relationship with your children.

He won’t give you what you need.

Seek therapy too.

OP, what are you expecting.
You walked straight back into skivvy mode and were treated thus?

Your toxic marriage to this nasty abusive man is over.

Get legal advice and put your house on the market.

Stop expecting anything to be different.
Your children are damaged enough from this selfish manipulative man and your toxic marriage.

Its over. Start dealing on managing a divorce.

What should I have expected on my return to our home ? What would a normal DH do in that situation ?

Apology? soul searching on why I left for 2 weeks and their contribution to it? declaration of love ? and vision for new way forward ? Help with the dinner ? Being begged to share a bed ? Passionate makeup sex? Eventual new understanding of joint way forward ?

It takes 2 to repair a marriage and it's only me that has ever tried. It really hurts to think he just can't and won't meet me any of the way.

Every time I take a stand on DH's behaviour, he just withdraws further and becomes more hurt, more victimised, tries even less, wallows, gives up. So it's a vicious cycle where after 15 years of this (destroying our kids lives over that period) it's deteriorated to not being able to be under the same roof. And it's not like DH has any other plans or way forward, he's not upset that our joint vision is crumbling, he seems to be waiting for me to tell him what he is "allowed" and he's just very sad and wallowing. No backbone to determine his own way forward at all ....

You are not wrong.
He doesn't care and hasn't probably ever.
You are a white appliance and you rightly acknowledge your poor children have seen it all.

End it now.
Accept its over and move forward with a divorce.

You deserve better than him.
Give yourself the chance of a happier future.
Do NOTHING further for him in the house or kitchen.

So, end the cycle. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get the same results you’ve always got. You’re tired. Your kids are tired.

You’re going round and round about what he should be doing, what he’s not doing, what he’s incapable of. This will achieve exactly nothing. So, just stop. Stop it.

All your analysis of him sounds spot on OP.

So that begs the question….why did you agree to go back?
You know in your head he can’t give you what you want. Not even for one Sunday lunch. But in your heart you aren’t accepting what you know to be true in your head.

Don’t waste your time and energy wallowing in the justifiable resentment you feel from his every action and word. Going back for more of the infuriating same old same old. It’s futile. It sets you back. It adds trauma to the boys.
Instead, avoid any more of his actions and words. He hasn’t changed, he won’t change. You don’t need any more examples. We believe you. Stay away from him now. Right away.

Your next tasks are to decide where you want to be. At home but without him. Or elsewhere.
Start the divorce.
Trust that doing these two things are a step towards eventual happiness.
Only move forwards away from him from now on.

Agree with PP, for the vast majority of people you can only expect more of the same behaviour. He won't change.

So sorry the reunion was a shit show. You have to accept it is not salvageable. It is not an option to play happy families anymore.

Now that you have the house to yourself, gather up the paperwork and see your lawyers about dividing the assets. Everyone is waiting for closure. The impetus will not come from your dh so this will be your last task for the family to secure your peace of mind.

So sad it has come to this. Your dcs will come round eventually. Let them go and speak to them about future arrangements without your dh there so that he does not get the change to load the atmosphere. One thing is don't ask them whether they approve or what they want you to do. It is your decision. Just inform them and let it settle.

I think that this post closes after 7 days do no-one can post, not sure as haven't posted before.

You're in AIBU so the thread will close when it's full at 1000 posts. If you want to you can always start another one, if you feel the support and advice is helping (possibly in Relationships as there is a wealth of practical advice in there)

So you can have as much help as you need.

You just seem to be going over the same stuff over and over: why why why why is he like this and how how how how can I change it???? And repeating over and over how his behaviour hurts you.

If this has been going on for years and you've told him over and over why you're unhappy and what needs to change and nothing changes, you really need to accept that nothing's going to change, and he couldn't care less how he's hurting you, and if you want anything to change, you're going to have to be the one to change it. You've got to stop the obsessing over why he does what he does and start thinking about what YOU are going to do. Make a plan and start carrying it out.

I know what you want. You want him to acknowledge the pain he's put you through. You want him to acknowledge his wrongs. You want him to act like he gives a crap about you. These are all very reasonable things to want. But it's not going to happen. Make a plan.

Well, no one can say you have not tried, OP. I do think it is time to do something different now. Is there space to set up the house with separate living and bedrooms? So he can be in a separate part? He could even have a kettle, microwave, mini fridge so you dont have to see him. Then you could be in your house and keep up with the animals. For a lot of people I know, divorce means leaving their dream house and would be really really difficult. If that is not tolerable, then it seems like a clean break and selling up is the only way.

I would speak to unhelpful DS though. Tell him about DF diagnosis, and that he has witnessed some things he would not be able to understand, given that. Tell him you are sorry about how that has affected him. But leave it there.

Good luck, and I am sorry.

I have to agree with this. Its quite right.